THE WEE FREE MONKEYS

What a week, my friends. I am sorry it took me so long to update. I have had not one, but TWO book deadlines, and my father had an operation. So I was trying to finish both Scarlett and Let It Snow while bouncing around between New York and Philadelphia. When it gets like this, I go into Cheese mode.

My father must be feeling better, because I was on the phone with him last night, and he was giving me tips on how to throw lit matches at people. (A hobby of his youth. Obviously, I have never tried this, but the skill may come in handy when the shuffling undead show up at the door.)

It seems in my absence, Justine Larbalestier was advertising the fact that it is ASK MJ month—and questioning my truthfulness! She says I make things up! I don’t want to have to fight Justine (largely because, like Meg Cabot, she can take me). About the questions, though, I have an announcement.

Because I have gotten a little behind in the last two weeks, and because you have written in with such top-notch questions (really, I don’t deserve you), I have decided to extend ASK MJ month for THE REST OF THE YEAR! One caveat . . . after Thanksgiving, I shift into Holiday Cheer mode and will pay special attention to Cheer-related questions. I did this last year, so I know that some of you are bursting with things you need to know about Cheer.

So, expect that I will be moving over to that mode in a few weeks. That is also when I will open the MJ Holiday Signing Workshop, which this year will feature cards from the Hopewell Hotel, the home of Suite Scarlett!

Okay. Enough of that. I have news to tell you. So, the other night, my phone started to ring and ring and ring and ring. It was Oscar, desperately trying to reach me.

“You will never guess who just showed up,” he said, when I finally answered.

“If it’s J.K. Rowling,” I replied, “toss a snack out, and when she runs for it, slam it and bolt the door.”

“It’s not J.K. Rowling,” he said, “although I did catch her out in the garden the other day, letting the air out of my neighbor’s bicycle tires.”

(Except he is British, so I guess he said tyres. Why do they persist with their strange spelling habits? They are a lovable but insane people.)

“Then who is it?” I asked.

“Free Monkey’s cousins.”

Well . . . by Ana Matronic’s sainted brassiere, you could have knocked me down. I had no idea Free Monkey had cousins! He never mentioned it.

For those of you who are wondering (quite reasonably, in my opinion) where Free Monkey has been . . . he’s still in the UK office. As I mentioned before, he got lost in transit twice during his tour, so I told him to stay put until I got there in a few weeks. He’s been drinking tea, watching Doctor Who and self-improvement shows, and working on his memoirs. And I guess he must have called his cousins or something, because two of them showed up, little bags in hand.

They are smaller than he is—they are the WEE FREE MONKEYS.

Oscar quickly took this picture of them. Either he was so excited that his hand started to shake, or he took it with his phone . . . in either case, it’s a little out of focus. But here they all are. Obviously, when I get over to England at the end of the week, I will tell you all about the new members of the family.



Free Monkey and his cousins, the WEE FREE MONKEYS, relaxing in the UK office.

I have dozens of questions piled up, all awaiting answers. I can only answer a few at a time, but now I have all year to keep taking them in and plugging away. In this last batch, I discovered that some of you are in trouble. That is UNACCEPTABLE! Let’s get to work!

HELP IS ON THE WAY

hannah said...
Hey Maureen. I have a question for you, and while I wish it could be a silly happy one, I'm all out of silly at the moment.
So my question is this. I just found out my parents are getting divorced. I'm...upset, to put it lightly. Unfortunately I've been sick for the past...well, since I was five really, but REALLY sick for the past three years, and when you're sick your "friends" tend to show their true colors. So basically I have none. Right now I just need to STOP THINKING. I went to the bookstore today and got a new book, but I already finished it. I need distraction! Here are the rules: I can't leave the house because A) I'm too weak from my cardiac condition and B) I have a head cold, because why do things halfway, right? So any suggestions? Books, movies, people to tazer....?


Thanks Maureen, and tell Free Monkey hello.

Yours,

Helpless Hannah

Hannah, this is a tough one. I told Free Monkey (and, I suppose, the Wee Free Monkeys) of your plight. He said there are no easy answers to any of this . . . but there are options and good points!

The truth is, sometimes life hands you absolute garbage. It does so unapologetically. It shows up with a bunch of TOTAL CRAP and just gives it to you, all smiles and city manners, and says, “Enjoy!” The good news is . . . many of the absolute coolest people throughout history are people who had a lot of overcome, people who got special delivery after special delivery of crap. These people get really, really good at dealing with crap and turning it into good things.

Here’s a story I like, that may feel kind of relevant. I may have mentioned this before, but I love the band Belle and Sebastian. Their lead singer/founder is a guy named Stuart Murdoch. He suffered from a disease called chronic fatigue syndrome, and wasn’t able to do anything for SEVEN YEARS. He was alone for a long time, because he couldn’t even get up, couldn’t really socialize or work or go to school. So while he was stuck in bed, he dreamt up some songs—and now, he is AN INTERNATIONAL ROCK STAR.

There are tons of stories like that.

But, I’m guessing you are thinking, “Yes, MJ, that is all well and good that you are suggesting that I, too, will become an International Rock Star when I’m 90, but what about now? What about some practical solutions?”

I hear you.

The really, really, really good news is that you have something that is relatively new in the world . . . namely, the power of the internets. Do not dismiss the power of the internets! For all the crap that is also on the internets, there is also quality. There is also a world full of friends to be made—an actual world full. This means, for example, that you could start a blog about how to deal with CRAP! Or you could make a friend in another country and start to try to learn a foreign language. You could be QUEEN of something wonderful. This is the power I would tap into.

And Free Monkey says that he is totally your friend. Once you’ve made friends with Free Monkey, you are golden.

anonymous said...
Where is my Ipod? I lost it on Friday.

Here. Simply substitute the word “iPod” for “Indian drum.” Have you looked above you to see if there is a guy in pajamas leaning out of a window? I always do this, and it is very effective.

GET TO KNOW ME

shausto-la said...
umm.. mj? whats your blood type?
just curious.

Shausto-la, I would be lying if I said that this question didn’t make me a tiny, tiny bit nervous. (Or, since you are clearly from the tribe of Westerfeld, I would say that it is nervous-making.) I don’t want to start making assumptions about people who may be of the pointy-toothed, invisible-in-mirrors persuasion, but . . .

However! My blood type is no secret. It is O, negative. You have to say it really sad like that. We Oh Nos (as we call ourselves) are universal donors, which means that in a pinch, anyone can have our blood.

You shouldn’t take that as any kind of invitation, though.

beckalicious said...
what are you going to be for halloween!?!

I think I will be doing that classic, “Writer on a deadline, stuffing candy in her face in front of the computer.” Which means that I may end up hanging out of a window by my fingertips. Which may also mean that I have the iPod asked about above.

lacey said...
If you were (hypothetically speaking) a lion tamer, do you think you would be successful at said profession? And would you work in a circus? If so, please specify which circus.

A fine, fine question. For a start, I would not work at a circus, only because many of them have patchy records in their treatment of animals. And if Sigfried and Roy have taught us nothing at all (and they may not have), it’s that our friends the Big Cats don’t necessarily like being in shows. In a hypothetical sense, though, I can tell you I would be totally excellent at this job. I have a natural affinity with cats, which is why I have one as a lawyer. Granted, C. Catso Fangola is a small Siamese who spends much of his time on his back in his favorite chair, but this is because he is in a thinking profession, and that is how he concentrates.

I promise more posting, now that some of the pressure is off. (It’s not quite off yet, but it is getting there.) Keep them coming! The ASK MJ office is OPEN. And naturally, this week, I am looking forward to some very werewolves questions.

I NEVER LIE

Okay, guys. Seriously. You’d think that when J.K. Rowling was following me around a few weeks ago, eating my snacks . . . in all that time, why couldn’t she have told me something useful and interesting?

Like that Dumbledore is gay, for instance?

There’s something good and positive, something . . . oh, what’s the word I am looking for here? Oh, right. Something TRUE. But oh no. She had to tell me that book seven was a musical, that Ginny is a robot, and that Ron is imaginary. She was keeping this tidbit to herself so she could show off at Carnegie Hall.

I promise you guys, if she shows up at the kitchen window when I’m at the UK office in a few weeks time, clawing her way toward my cereal, I am going to throw the neighbor’s cat at her. Magic your way out of that one, J.K.

She delivered this news last night to a large audience of happy people, many of whom are from Scholastic—her US publisher and my new home. Luckily for me, I got to meet some of those people the day before. They had a lovely lunch for Scarlett and I. I was given a microphone and allowed, yet again, to ramble. Hopefully, they got the idea that I am a truth-teller, and I was only telling the world what J.K. told me. It’s not like I lie.

At the end of the lunch, they gave me a huge blow up of Scarlett’s cover to take home. A huge blow up of your book cover is not the best thing to walk down the street with if you are trying to be inconspicuous, but it looks GREAT in my apartment. Now Scarlett can stare at me from the other room, her eyes constantly telling me to GET BACK TO WORK and ANSWER TODAY’S QUESTIONS because it is still Ask MJ month.

I am on it.

MEG CABOT QUESTIONS

meg cabot said...
What the--Angel is hotter than Spike. I mean, Spike did go to all that trouble to get his soul back, and I agree about the blooming onion. But Angel is hotter. ADMIT IT.

I had no idea when I said this that I would be starting a feud with the creator of my idol, Mia Thermopolis. But I can’t back down on this one. I’m throwing down!

OK so last week Meg Cabot said in her blog that you had lucnh with her and E. Lockhart. Three of the best in one room, wicked!! Can you tell us about what she was really like and her views on zombies. Anyone who reads her blog knows how she feels about vamps.

See, this makes it even more awkward. I know Meg. I don’t want to get all up in her grill about this, because I promise you, she can take me. It will not end well for me, even if she is wrong. (About this one point. Meg is generally right about most things. When she puts advice on her blog, I take it. So should you.)

Meg did not specifically say what her view on zombies was. This is wise. She must know that they could be anywhere, listening. E. Lockhart, of course, is a public enemy of zombies. When the Great Zombie War is upon us, she will be on the front lines.

CREEPING EVIL

faith said...
Oh my goodness. Did you know that you have become a terrible, terrible influence on teenage boys? 

You must read this. 

Congratulations!

I am pleased to be of service! What’s extra refreshing is that I know Guildford quite well. That is where the UK office is located, and where J.K. follows me around.

I would have been happy to go to the library and read the book aloud. Perhaps I should even offer this service to my handful of UK readers, as I only have one book out there. (Oscar has them all, but they are in his house, which is not a lending library.) UK friends, if you are out there, please write in and make yourselves known! Tell me what I can do for YOU.

have you seen disturbia??? omg!! after i saw that movie i went out and bought binoculers and i am totally spying on my new neighbors!! after the old ones moved, they built this huge garage thing right next to their house, actually it was BIGGER than their house, and i only see them go in there at night!! scary huh? i wonder what's in there...

I have seen Disturbia. I have been a fan and supporter of Shia LaBeouf for several years. Ask Daphne, she’ll tell you. I said, “That Shia guy is the real deal” all the way back when Holes came out. I even sat through The Battle of Shaker Heights for him.

“A star!” I went on. “He’s going to be a huge star! That kid is FUNNY. He has depth!"

Daphne just kept typing with one hand and dialing the phone with another and said “uh huh sure yeah whatever you say.” And then she added, “Isn’t he, like, twelve?”

Then he DID become a huge star, and now Daphne thinks I am a savant of stardomeness.

Also, Daphne is with me on the Spike thing. She may not have vision when it comes to stars in the making, but she knows her vampire hotness.

As for your neighbors . . . that large garage is actually a refrigerated unit to store body parts. They will claim it is for deer meat or bulk packs of hot dogs, but it is for human nuggets. MARK MY WORDS.

catherine said...
oh, i'm catherine by the way. in case you cared or anything.

I always care. You guys are the reason I come here.

A FEW THINGS ABOUT ME

here's my question(s): is Harrods an actual place in London, or did you make it up? or is it based on something, but you change the name? In all of your books, are the different places based on real places, or totally made up from the mind of author Maureen Johnson??

Like I said before . . . I never lie.

Harrods is incredibly real. It calls itself the biggest department store in the world, but I think that is false. It is the most confusing though, hands down. As proof of its real-ness, I offer this video of me inside of it with my agent, Daphne Unfeasible.

becky said...
If you could choose any question to answer, what would you choose? Then answer it, please. =)

QUESTION: Dear mj, We, the makers of Vespas and Tazers, have gotten together with a few crazy scientists to make the Tezpa 3000, a combination Vespa-Tazer. Unlike a normal Vespa, this one does not sound like a hair drier when it runs—it GROWLS LIKE A LION. Also, it has invisible defensive shields to keep you from being killed by cabs if you are riding it down a New York Street. The handlebars are, of course, detachable pink tazers . . . but not that kind you can accidentally taze yourself with. They know you, and will immediately shut off when you are the target. In fact, they will only work on evil beings.

The Tezpa 3000 is designed to be completely fuel efficient. It is, in fact, the greenest mode of transport in the world, running on sunshine and unicorn hair and it emitting only good vibrations into the atmosphere. Worldwide use of the Tezpa could actually reverse global warming. The Tezpa comes in yellow, ice blue, pink, and mint green, and has a banana seat, a basket, and a bell. Would you like us to send you one in each color?

MJ’S ANSWER: YES

icanhaswurdz? said...
Are you possibly going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year?

NaNoWriMo is kind of my life. My version is called MjNoWriAllTheTime. Not because I am some kind of machine, but because this is my job. They should have some other kind of NaMo for those of us who are writers. I have been thinking on this problem, and here are some ideas.

NaNoBagzMo (National No Bags Month): This is one I have been thinking about for a while—I even mention it in Bermudez. It seems like every time I pick something up, even something as small as a container of milk, I get 60 plastic bags. I realize bags are just a small part of a larger issue of using too much packaging, but they seem like a good place to start. I wonder if I could go a month without accepting a bag. That would mean carrying some of the bags I already have with me and using them again. [It looks like my Secret Brother, Hank Green, is all over this! Check out his post on Ecogeek! Thanks, Maria, for the link!]

NaHelprMoMo (National Helper Monkey Month): This is a month in which I adopt and care for a Helper Monkey. (Free Monkey, though very much a monkey, is not a helper monkey. He is a monkey companion and consultant. There is a difference.) If you have a helper monkey you would like to volunteer for this cause, please get in touch at once!

NaDoSoScariMo (National Do Something Scary Month): Fear is our enemy. I know that is rich coming from me, as I am happy to list my many fears. But my listing them is the first step toward conquering them. Fear is the root of a lot of evils. In this month, you do something that scares you every day! It

Also, I seem to have invented a month with this Ask MJ thing. It was kind of an accident, but I am loving it!

Do you have any good ideas for a new month? Ask MJ rolls on, so please send them in! If I haven't answered one that you're asked, I still might! You never know!

THE TRUTH ABOUT ALLIGATORS, VAMPIRES, AND TOOTHBRUSHES

I just got back from Disneyworld, my friends.

I was not there to ride on Space Mountain wearing Mickey ears. Oh no. I was there for a very legitimate reason: 13 Little Blue Envelopes is on the Florida Teens Read list, so I was asked to come down to the Florida Association for Media in Education conference.

(It’s called the FAME conference, which meant that the entire time, I was doing this in my head. Fame, the excellent mid-80s television show, was shown on constant repeat when I was in high school. I was absolutely obsessed with it. I wanted out of the gulag and into the High School of Performing Arts so bad, my teeth ached from it. Fame probably played no small part in my eventual going into theater/moving to New York/writing Suite Scarlett, which is about theater in New York and at least one student from that very high school.)

Here is part of an actual conversation I heard between a father and his son on the plane going down. The son was about seven, and was getting very cranky as we were getting off.

DAD: If you don’t be quiet, I’m going to kick Peter Pan when I see him. What do you think would happen then?

KID: He would fly up.

DAD: Then I’d punch him in the face.

Just before you are totally horrified, you should know that the kid laughed THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN THE JETWAY. As did I. The idea of punching Peter Pan is, well, kind of funny.

While I was there, I got to talk to lots of librarians and media specialists, which you know I love, and I went to the Crystal River High School. Many writers, when they show up to speak at places, have fancy slide shows. They are well prepared, with long, pre-written speeches that contain many salient and fascinating points that help the listeners understand literature and the role it plays in their lives.

Because I know this, the first thing I personally like to do when I walk in is LOWER EXPECTATIONS. I use the AV equipment to do exciting shadow puppet theater. I tap microphones against desks and podiums to see what sound they will make. The other day, I claimed to have written Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code, Oliver Twist, The Secret, and À la recherche du temps perdu, all in the same talk.

Everyone in Florida was extremely tolerant of my rambling. Floridians seem like a happy bunch of people, probably because it’s always sunny and they can go to the Country Bear Jamboree anytime they like. But here’s why I can’t live there: Floridians swim a lot. And they have—and I can barely believe this is possible—given me entirely new reasons to be afraid of the water.

See, when I was a tiny mj, my Aunt Jerri had one of those little print-on-demand, put-a-child’s-name-in-a-book things made for me. My book was about a happy, banjo-playing alligator who crawled out of a creek one day and befriended MAUREEN. Only MAUREEN really understood the alligator, that he was nice and not scary, and she helped him become a major star. We went off to Hollywood in a limo, but occasionally comes back to visit MAUREEN.

Now, this story seemed implausible to me, but there were a few compelling elements. One, it had my name in it. Two, we lived on a creek. (Granted, there are no alligators in creeks in Pennsylvania, but I wasn’t exactly a zoologist when I was four.) Three, I was aware that my memory about my previous three years was shaky at best. I was constantly going around my house, looking for stuff from “when I was a baby.” I was obsessed with my own short history. It was possible that I had befriended a banjo-playing alligator and had just forgotten about it.

So, even though I was doubtful, I did hold out a certain amount of hope that it was all true. I think I even asked my parents about it. And somewhere in my head, tiny mj still wonders if her alligator friend is coming back in his limo.

This is why alligators don’t scare me. Well, until this week. I didn’t realize just how alligatory Florida is. That you can have alligators in the body of water out back, or IN YOUR YARD. Or that alligators sometimes eat waterskiers.

I don’t blame the alligators, personally. I don’t blame any animal for doing what it does. If you show up in an alligator’s pond, making all kinds of noise when he’s trying to take a nap, and you show up on two tiny sticks . . . well, of course he’s going to think that someone has brought him hors d’oeuvres. Alligators, banjo playing or otherwise, are okay by me. I just won’t go splashing in their homes. I will stay in the swimming pool, where I can plan for the zombie invasion in peace.

Obviously, I have to give you an update on the High School Musical toothbrush situation.

First of all, I did not make a video of my High School Musical toothbrush. There is a reason for this—you can only hear the music in your head! It’s really quiet! And not automatic! It took me ten minutes to figure this last one out. I kept hitting the button, and I would hear this quiet, quiet noise, but the bristles wouldn’t move. I finally stuck it in my mouth, and THEN I could hear the music. Can you believe that?

High School Musical is no Fame, I’ll tell you that much.

But there are questions to get to! I am keeping up with this ASK MJ month thing that I spontaneously declared the other day. First question!

I miss the use of pictures from old black-and-white movies in your posts. Can you start up using them again?

Why, yes I can.



Hello.

SUSPICIONS AND CONSPIRACIES

I was playing softball, you see, when I slid into a base and jammed my foot back. It was quite painful and unpleasant to say the least, and when I went to the hospital I was informed that I had a fractured bone-thing in my foot. So they slapped on a cast, told me not to step on it for 2 - 3 weeks and sent me home. Now, obviously, I am BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I can't play softball (right when we made play-offs), and I get exactly walk around and go shopping on this glorious long weekend. (It's Thanksgiving in Canada).

So as someone whom, I'm guessing, spends a lot of time at her desk (no offence), I was wondering if you had any ideas about how to amuse myself? :(

This is terrible news! But, of course, I have suggestions. I think this is an excellent opportunity for you to start spying on your neighbors.

Neighbors, as we all know, are crazy and up to no good. They should be suspected and watched. The police don’t have time to monitor them all, because NEIGHBORS ARE ALL AROUND US. We, the good people, are vastly outnumbered. When the zombies come, our neighbors will march away willingly, heads forward, offering their brains.

Even now, your neighbors are plotting against us. What is that van doing in their driveway? What is that mysterious smoke coming from their “grill”? Why are the blinds in that one room ALWAYS CLOSED?

I suggest you pick one neighbor and study them relentlessly. Make notes of their comings and goings. Pay special attention to any flicky-curtain activity--that's often the sign of the “room of evil,” where they keep the gimp/wolverine/three-headed man-baby.

Some neighbors have no connection to the supernatural. These neighbors are almost always serial killers. Watch out for any “lawn improvements” (sudden interest in cement patios covering large parts of grass, new flowerbeds, extended driveways, gazebos). Make careful note that all people who go into the house actually come out again. If you see any tubs of industrial chemicals, plastic sheeting, abundances of shovels, or excessive use of large coolers in cold weather, immediately climb into your safety chamber under your bed (you have one of these, right?).



It is only by suspecting everyone that we can win.

Hi Maureen, I just finished 13 Little Blue Envelopes and it was amazing! However, the copy I got from my school library was damaged, and so I will never know what happened on pages 63 and 64. Is there any chance you can tell me what I missed?

I can see the work of a zombie from 500 yards. A zombie will always gravitate toward pages 63 and 64, though it won’t know why. I do, though.

Though pages 63 and 64 of 13 Little Blue Envelopes appear to be an innocent scene of Ginny talking to a ticket booth attendant and buying up tickets to Keith’s show, they are really CODED INSTRUCTIONS on what to do at the time of the invasion. I cannot put them here, because that will only let them know what we are planning.

What is your stance on vampires?

Buffy was my first insight into the vampire world. Spike, everyone’s favorite vampire (it was never Angel, let’s just admit it), played poker for kittens and had an affection for blooming onions. In Scott Westerfeld’s The Last Days, it turns out that some of the vampires are really good musicians. Many books, such as Cassie Clare’s City of Bones, show us a world of well-dressed vampires with good dancing skills. Then along came Twilight, and I saw that vampires really just want to date us and play baseball. If you’ve gotten as far as New Moon, you see Edward angsting over decorative papers and fonts and making mix tapes.

I don’t know why vampires have been trying to convince us they are scary. I mean, yes, they can kill us. But they seem to only want to do that so that they can hang out with us for the rest of time . . . and that’s just not as bad as many of the real, pressing threats out there. (See everything above about alligators, zombies, neighbors.)

Let’s say you have two suitors, a zombie and a vampire. Let’s look at some potential dates. Say you’re hungry and you ask each of them what they want to do about it.

VAMPIRE: I would take you to Outback Steakhouse. I have a selection of songs I’ve put together for us to listen to on the way over, some of my own composition. Just let me go home and put on some nicer clothes so that I am worthy of your company. I just have to wait until the sun goes down. I hope that does not interfere with your digestion.

ZOMBIE: i eat ur brane (*rips off your head*)

Okay. Let’s say that you are having a bad day and really need to talk about it. What then?

VAMPIRE: Listen, you can come to me with any of your problems. I’ve been around for hundreds of years, and I’ve seen it all. Though I may seem shallow—I’m so good-looking, after all—I actually care about you. My heart doesn’t beat, but it can feel. Let’s sit for a while and listen to some sensitive music and talk, and then maybe later we’ll go out and do something to get your mind off things. I like sports. I’m an exceptional dancer, too. Come on. Let’s go have some fun before the sun comes up!

ZOMBIE: problemz in brane. i fix. (*rips off your head*)

I know who I’m asking to the prom.



A typical date with a vampire.

CHARACTER AND BOOK QUESTIONS

A big huge asteroid that will destroy all life is coming towards Earth. Oh noez! Now, a wizard has brought all your book characters to life, and NASA says that because you are so awesome, they will build a home on the moon for you and four of your characters (the rest will live, but the ones you choose you get to live with). You get to choose two female and two male characters. Which ones do you choose? (Also, as a perk, your home on the moon is free from moon zombies.)

Okay . . . let’s see. Girls first. Clio Ford from Girl at Sea would be my first draft. Clio can handle pretty much anything you throw at her . . . and she is HARD TO KILL. That’s going to be important on the moon, because though there may be no zombies, there will undoubtedly be moonmonsters. I would also take May Gold from The Key to the Golden Firebird, because May is the most sensible character of them all. May could actually get things up and running. I mean, it will be no good if we get up there and we all forget to bring food or toothbrushes. May will bring civilization to our new colony.

Guy-wise, I’m going to go with Aidan, also from Girl At Sea, because he knows SCIENCE. That’s got to be useful on the moon. In a twist, I think my other choice would be Richard from 13 Little Blue Envelopes, because if Richard can find his way around Harrods, he can do anything.

So you're really mad at one of your characters. Let's fly into the world where they do exist. You were given the option to "punish them." How would you do so? Jars of mayonaisse, brushing repeatedly with magical musical toothbrushes, more mayo, rabies?

Punishing the characters is a large part of my job. Being an author means, almost by definition, that you make up characters and then complicate their lives. That’s it, really. You make up characters and give them problem after problem after problem. It’s as Shakespeare said in King Lear, “As flies to wanton boys we are to the gods; they kill us for their sport.” Writers are the “gods” in this, and it’s always open season on characters. In fact, I spend so much gleeful time messing up my character’s lives that it’s pretty much impossible for me to be mad at them.

(You really don't like mayo, do you?)

How long did it take you to finish each of your books?

Each one took nine months to a year, start to finish. I don’t work on them all the time, though. That includes when they’re off with editors, being editorialated.



I do not have slide shows for my presentations, largely because I have been sitting at home, torturing characters for extended periods of time.

It’s back to torturing Scarlett and Spencer for me. Keep the questions rolling in. ASK MJ month ain’t half over!

CHAPTER SIX, IN WHICH I GET A MUSICAL TOOTHBRUSH

I had lunch with my erstwhile agent, Daphne Unfeasible, today. It was a glorious summer-like day here in New York (thank you, global warming!). We sat at an outdoor café on Park Avenue behind a table full of priests.

I always feel kind of smugly content when I’m near a lot of priests, because I think, “Yeah, I was kind of Catholic once.” But, you know, not. I sort of want to talk to priests to see if I still have the magic. I was really good at pretending to be Catholic. It was my number one skill, well, right behind my excellent impression of a seagull.

Anyway, so we’re at lunch, and clearly, we were wearing the invisibility cloak, because our waitress forgot us many times over an hour. She forgot our drinks, and she forgot the sugar, and she forgot our silverware. We were just not the droids she was looking for. (Pow! Two nerdy references! I am en fuego!)

So, there we were, in the sun, eating and looking at priests and generally being ignored and talking Unfeasible Enterprises business. Plus, I was getting all kinds of exciting texts from Justine Larbalestier about the fabulous things that are happening on Scott’s Extras tour (Extras is also en fuego. I have not yet read Extras. I am saving it for a plane trip next week. Spoilers will be EXECUTED.)

Daphne turned to me with that beguiling, agenty smile of hers and said, “Rexroth sent you a present.”

A present? For me? From her finance, the dapper Rexroth Implausible, owner of Dizzy and Jake?

“You will like it,” she said. “In fact, you will become overstimulated.”

“Nonsense,” I said, waving my hand. “I am always the soul of composure. You must be mistaking me for someone else.”

She proceeded to pull from her bag THE SINGLE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER GOTTEN.

It was a musical toothbrush that plays “We’re all in this together” from High School Musical. Here is the description, right from the package:

Rock your teeth clean – and encourage better brushing habits! – with this exciting toothbrush that lets you hear one of your favorite songs while you brush! Sound vibrations stream from the bristles through your teeth – so you can actually hear music inside your head!

Think about that! The sounds of High School Musical inside of your head, vibrating in your skull, using it as an echo chamber. If I use this thing twice a day, every day, I am pretty sure I can reorganize my DNA structure.

I have yet to open and experience the toothbrush, I am thinking that I will wait until tomorrow and maybe make a little movie about it. Would you watch such a film? Do you have any questions about the toothbrush?



Troy and Gabriella want to clean your teeth and haunt your dreams. Gotta get, get, get your head in the game!

Speaking of questions . . . I am still keeping up with ASK MJ month. So here we go.

QUESTIONS ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE

I was just watching Meg Cabot on The Today Show recently and she mentioned that she uses gossip sites as a reward for writing (she also mentions TV shows, etc.) I was wondering if you have a "reward system" for sitting down and writing? If so, what types of things do you use for rewards when working on something?

It’s going to sound like I’m bragging, but we worked with Meg this week, and she was telling us about her appearance on the Today Show the day before. We were talking about this.

I do reward myself. The rewards vary in size and kind. To be honest, the final days of working on a book get so ridiculous, that the rewards kind of get to the, “If you finish this chapter, you can have a SHOWER” level. I only wish I was kidding. Some of the rewards I used the other week while finishing up chapters and sections of Suite Scarlett were:

- I was allowed to walk to the health food store for a carrot juice
- I was allowed to walk to the mailbox
- I could have toast
- I could do the dishes
- I could watch fifteen minutes of television
- I could Swifter the floor

Sadly, all of these are true. I also tend to get a lot of fun manicures when I’m on a big writing stint, because I get really sick of looking at my hands. So I get a really fun color. I also go to this crazy massage place that does this amazing, kind of agonizingly painful massage. It’s a brutal hour, but it completely fixes you up if your muscles are a mess from the sitting and typing.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever gotten myself a really BIG reward. If you have any suggestions for one that I could get when I finish Suite Scarlett completely and totally (the final edits start tomorrow), please leave them in the comments!

I ask again:
WHERE IS FREE MONKEY?!

Thank you for asking. I have been meaning to explain his whereabouts for a while. As you may remember, Free Monkey was on a world tour to promote Girl At Sea, as well as peace and understanding. He got lost once, coming back from Bartlesville, Oklahoma. When he finally turned up a week later, I was falling over myself with relief. I took him to England and sent him to The Netherlands from there. And then, HE NEVER CAME BACK.

You can imagine my state. I was frantic with worry. Weeks went by. I had all but given up hope. And then one day, out of the blue, he turned up next to the front door of the London Office. We will be reunited in a few weeks time. Because of these traumas, I suspended the tour. Sending him out again is simply too risky. I hope you understand.

QUESTIONS ABOUT ZOMBIES AND WEREWOLVES

There has been a zombie invasion. Hordes of the undead roam the land in search of delicious brains. You have sought refuge on a small island, but the zombies could arrive at any moment, necessitating some major defensive action on your part. You can only have three of your characters by your side during this battle royale. Who would they be and why?

Now, this is the kind of question I fully approve of! Clearly, you are taking the prospect of the Coming Zombie Invasion seriously. I am ready with an answer. 1. Jane Jarvis, for reasons that are obvious to anyone who has read Devilish (experienced demon fighter). 2. Scarlett, from Suite Scarlett (for reasons that will become obvious when and if you read Suite Scarlett), and 3. Parker from The Bermudez Triangle (because he would be the first to run from zombies, and you know they go after whoever runs first).

So I want to know, do you have a zombie plan? 37 zombie plans? Will you share it with us? I'm still working on mine.

I have at least 37 zombie plans, but I cannot put them here. The zombies have been trolling the internet for some time, reading up on us and our preparations. Suffice it to say, I am ready. You are talking to a girl who spent most of her formative years lying in bed at night, devising escape strategies in her head for just such occasions.

You should be spending all of your free time working on yours. The day is coming.

As is my duty as the leader of the newly formed (think yesterday) Lobby For More Awesome YA Werewolf Novels, I ask you, would you ever be interested in writing a werewolf book?

It is not out of the question that such a thing might happen.

QUESTIONS ABOUT WRITING

so do you have a time limit on all of your books? what if you can't finish one by a certain time and it comes out crap? (not that yours ever would..)

*just laughs nervously for about fifteen minutes while pointing to this post*

WHO SENT YOU??????

I was wondering when you write a book, do you - before you send it to your editor - rewrite it until you are satisfied with it? As a whole I mean, rather than rewriting each chapter everytime you write one (which I understand some writers do).

I do everything I can in the time I have. If I waited until I was satisfied, I wouldn’t have any books out at all. In fact, Suite Scarlett is the first time that Daphne hasn’t gotten a frantic, late-night phone call about a week before the deadline, in which I outline my plans to change my name, get a forged passport, and run away to Portugal to makes hats out of cork.

No one I know hasn’t had a screaming, insane run until the end of at least one book. Justine Larbalestier barricaded herself inside to finish Magic’s Child. Scott Westerfeld toughed out every last second until Extras was done with a chart of days and hours left hanging next to him at all times. I think Libba Bray was airlifted out of the ending of A Sweet, Far Thing.

Are you planning on writing other non Suite Scarlett books while working on the series or are you just going to focus on Scarlett for a while?

There are other things in the transom. Scarlett is the main focus right now. I’m well geared up to plunge into book two—and I will, just as soon as I finish the final, final, final edits of Suite Scarlett. But there will be other things! You can’t stop me! I have a musical toothbrush!

Have any of your books been optioned to be movies yet, or has there been any interest at all?

Every once in a while, someone writes to me and tells me that someone in Hollywood is kind of interested in my books, or that they are someone in Hollywood who is kind of interested. Only The Key to the Golden Firebird was optioned, and there was a script for it, but that was it. It could happen at any time. I will likely be the last to know.

The whole books-into-movies thing . . . it’s all a bit mysterious (unless you make movies, in which case, you probably understand the process quite well and are stumped by something else, like how cheese is made). As far as I can see, Hollywood is kind of like a cat. Sometimes it comes lurking around, cuddling up to you, purring at you—but it could just as easily ignore you or hide under the sofa. It may come, seeking your shiny thing, and it may leave you payment in return (a dead mouse, a check), and then it scoots off and carries out its private business, and you will never really know what it is doing.

Unlike cats, Hollywood does not eat yarn, scratch at posts, or chew its own feet. There may be other differences, but I am unaware of them.

I promise you this . . . if there is ever a movie in the works, I will personally come to all of your houses and tell you.

More questions? You know where to put them.

MAILBAG

Friends! As promised, this post is all about answering YOUR questions. Your questions were quite numerous, and very good. In fact, they were so numerous and good that I could only answer some of them. This batch of answers includes questions about YOU, my general lifestyle, Suite Scarlett, and what would happen if my characters got loose.

I enjoyed answering questions so much that I think I kind of want to do it again. In fact, maybe I will designate October as ASK MJ month.

QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

Just so I can know how to dress to match your mental image of your audience: are you picturing the men in your audience along the lines of Richard E. Grant doing a turn as Miss Marple's novelist nephew -- blazers, cravats, pomaded hair with a razor-sharp part, that sort of thing?

That is precisely right! In fact, I will accept any Richard E. Grant, including insane, lighter fluid-drinking Richard E. Grant from Withnail and I, fancy Richard E. Grant from Gosford Park, and even Spiceworld Richard E. Grant. I don’t want you to feel limited.



This could be YOU!

What song were we playing? I can get about halfway through Moonlight Sonata, and I don't smoke or drink, so I was just curious.

It sounds like “Anything Goes” by Cole Porter to me. But it could also be this.

LIFESTYLE

What is the craziest thing that you have ever done to procrastinate when you were supposed to be wriitng a book?

Um . . . I would have to say it was probably this. I had all this pink plastic wrap, a boat, and a deadline. I managed to get Christo to say he did it, so it sort of worked out.



It just kind of happened.

As a fellow ABBA fan, I have to ask, what's your favorite song?

You are killing me. This is like Sophie’s Choice. But I will try to answer.

When I was a tiny mj, it was “What about Livingston?” from Waterloo. I went to find a videovideo of it, because there seems to be no end to the depths of bizarre Abba footage on Youtube. I couldn’t find a real video, but I did manage to find this montage, which might just be the most wonderful thing I’ve ever discovered. Part interview, part history channel episode, part scrapbook, part documentary on fishing, part just disturbing thing . . . I have no idea who put this together. Whoever you are, you are a genius, and never, ever, ever come near me.

But I really don’t have a favorite. It’s impossible. I’ll tell you what’s not my favorite: Mamma Mia. I am so over Mamma Mia.

What’s your favorite things to do with your friends when you’re not writing?

I am so glad you asked this! Some people think writers lives are boring and we do nothing but sit at our desks. I have even said things to this effect. But I was lying.

For example, I typically go hot air ballooning with Jay-Z and Microsoft founder Bill Gates on Thursdays. We float over Manhattan together and talk computers, books, and hip hop. (You’d be surprised by who’s talking about what!) Of course, our balloon is made by Microsoft, so we tend to crash a lot. Bill has been promising us a new balloon for months, but it still hasn’t arrived. It usually falls to Jay-Z to keep us aloft on his sweet rhymes.



My hot air ballooning friends, Bill and Jay. I took this picture right after we “landed” on the top of the Woolworth Building.


SUITE SCARLETT QUESTIONS

Can you show us the cover for Suite Scarlett?

Hopefully soon. It’s being finalized now. I can tell you that the model was chosen to look like Scarlett, is dressed in an outfit from the book, and has TWO eyes. What’s even cooler—the art director did some research and found an Art Deco hotel just like the Hopewell! (Except, successful and not falling apart.) That’s where the shoot was done. For now, I will use this as the stand-in cover.



Suite Scarlett

Questions: 1. The "large family" that Scarlett is in has four kids? pff. I mean, I guess that's probably large to some people... but there are seven kids in my family. Not that I think you should write the next "Cheaper by the Dozen," but I don't know if 4 is large. 

2. How many siblings do you have?


To me, four kids might as well be a million. I’m an only child. (Except, of course, for my brothers John, Hank, and Tom, but Tom and I left home to join the circus so young, I often forget what sibling interaction is like.) (If you don’t watch Brotherhood2.0, then this will make no sense, and you should just revert to my previous answer about being an only child.)

Also, in New York, being one of four is kind of rare. People in Manhattan often keep their families small—space is a problem. Unless you are talking about mice families, which I don't think we were.

I don't mean to be difficult, but how can one be the middle child in a family of four children?

Scarlett is the third of four, putting her in the general area of “middle.” At 15, she is also the middle point, agewise, between the oldest (Spencer, at 19) and the youngest (Marlene, at 11). It’s possible that I should have said she is the “median” child, but that just sounds weird.

i will so have to read Suite Scarlett...when is it supposed to come out?

May. The exact date has not been announced. You should really just block off the whole month to be ready.

When you started writing Suite Scarlett did you already know it was going to be a series? How does that change the way you approach your books? Or does it? With series... it seems like the biggest difference would be the ending. One thing I love about novels is that by their nature they have bittersweet endings (and sometimes just bitterbitter), because no matter how happy everything may turn out, you're still saying goodbye to these characters you fell in love with. (hopefully fell in love with.)

I knew pretty soon after starting, actually. The characters arrived with a lot of information, carrying long stories. It was clearly much more than one book’s worth. As I was writing and the characters were developing, their future stories started to grow right along with them. So I have plot maps and files on all of them.

The major change I made in terms of my normal procedure was that I planted information in Suite Scarlett that I knew I wouldn’t need for at least a book or two. Then, like a sleeper cell, it will burst to life! The nice part is your can resolve certain parts of the story, while others are still active.

So far, I am very much loving it. I mean, you go to a lot of trouble to make a world and the characters . . . I often miss them when I’m done.

BOOKS ON THE LOOSE

Your characters have suddenly and magically sprung to life, and at first you are, understandably, a bit shaken, but this eventually winds down into a more stable feeling of love and affection for these beings from your imagination. A few months later and you're on vacation with all of your Main Male Characters (You call them your 'M&Ms', for kicks) in some very romantic setting, be it a beach or a European discotheque, and they all suddenly (they are very big with the doing of things suddenly) proposition you.
You can only choose one. Which will it be?

Okay, so this means that I am trapped on an island with Pete (from They Key to the Golden Firebird), Parker (from The Bermudez Triangle), Keith (from 13 Little Blue Envelopes), Owen (from Devilish), Aidan (from Girl At Sea), and possibly with Spencer and Eric from Suite Scarlett. You don’t know Spencer or Eric yet, so let’s just say that they are “back at the hotel.”

I guess the first thing I need to get over is whether I should be dating any of them at all. I’m not sure that it’s smart to date anyone you made and whose destiny you completely control. I mean, when I say jump, they really say “How high?” Actually, they say whatever I want them to say and jump however high I want them to jump. All their action belong to ME.

But, okay . . . let’s take this scenario and see where it goes. First, I’m not sure how they’re all going to get along. Pete and Parker would be fine together. Keith would try to be everyone’s friend, but this would probably make Aidan ill at ease. Owen would keep his distance and scan the area for demonic activity. (If Spencer did proposition me—which he might—it would probably involve knocking himself backwards off a pier or something. And truth be told, I am most likely to end up with him, as he and I are kindred spirits.)

I think Keith is most likely to make a direct approach. Or he might write a play for me. Or really, he would write a play for himself but claim it was for me. It wouldn’t surprise me, though, if Keith and Aidan didn’t end up in some kind of snark-off. Pete would probably do something to rig the lights as a “joke.” Parker’s car would die on the other side of the island. And Owen would just wait it out, because Owen can wait a really, really, really long time.

The more I think about it, the more I think I might just step back and see what they do to each other.

Got any more? Let's hear them!