CHRISTMAS EVE LIVE BLOG!
Many of you have recently written to inquire if I am, in fact, dead. Because during this, one of my favoritest times of year, I have been silent for almost three weeks! (Not really THAT silent. I was on Facebook for much of this, giving brief, meaningless, insane updates. Also giving away books. I like Facebook.)
So for 25 days I have been working away . . . on CHEER. And signing a few hundred cards for the MJ Holiday Card Workshop. Also, I finished my book. Yes, I was deep in Scrooge’s workshop, writing away by the light of one guttering candle to get Scarlett Fever done.
And now I am in Philadelphia for Christmas! I almost didn’t make it. It started when I booked my train ticket, and then I got on the train, which was oversold. So I was crowded into a seat. I had five bags with me—two overhead, one behind the seat, one by my feet, and one essentially on my head. I heard the conductor say the name of my stop and say it was the SECOND STOP. So I took out my computer and prepared to do a little work on something you’ll see below.
And then, we didn’t go anywhere. Apparently, the rails broke. We sat and we sat and we sat. I barely noticed when the train finally started going. So there I was, minding my own business, working away, computer open, coat off, and we finally slowed to the first stop and it was . . . MY STOP.
And I was still . . . computer open, coat off, headphones on, five bags in all directions. And the conductor started yelling, “THIS TRAIN IS GOING TO HARRISBURG!”
Harrisburg is very far from Philadelphia, and I was very far from getting off the train, so what happened next was me yelling, “#^$^&*^#$&*^&*%!%!!!” I slammed my computer shut, but for some unknown reason, it started to play music OUT LOUD. Specifically, it played THE GONK, which is the music featured in the thing you will see below.
One thing you kind of don’t want? Is to be jumping around a crowded train, yanking out bags, swearing profusely . . . AND blasting The Gonk from your bag. But that’s how I arrived home for the holiday. And I only made it because a man blocked the door with his body, giving me just enough time to eject myself and my five bags and my musical accompaniment on to the train platform. My computer was so mad at being slammed shut that it refused to stop playing The Gonk as I walked through the train station.
I was very quiet in the car.
I felt much better when we got back to my house. When we pulled up, it was all decorated. We Johnsons go all out in the Cheer department. I learned from the best. Every single room in our house is decorated, many with items actually made by my mother, who has the gene that allows her to make VERY FANCY DECORATIONS. So I was all ready for the Cheer. I opened the door and saw the thousands of twinkling lights, and our dozens of nutcrackers, and our bows and our wreaths and our snowmen. I looked over and saw our Christmas village (the basis of the Flobie Santa Village in Let it Snow).
And there was an alarm going off, and my mother was on the ten foot ladder screaming, “ALL I DID WAS PUT OUT A SCENTED OIL DIFFUSER AND IT HAS BEEN GOING OFF FOR A HALF AN HOUR AND I CANNOT GET IT TO STOP.”
So then we had to Cheerfully pull some circuit breakers and Cheerfully call the electrician.
Now, I have many questions here that I have not answered as I was gone for so long. So I will try to make that up this week, because as far as I am concerned, Cheer STARTS on Christmas! But let me try to answer a few. And let me try to do it in a way I have never done before. I am going to try to SORT OF LIVE BLOG some Cheer! Every hour until Christmas, I will UPDATE this blog and answer at least one CHEER RELATED QUESTION from the comments! So leave them now, and as you wait for Santa, I will STUDY the questions and provide the most advanced CHEER-RELATED answers I can!
ALSO! I promised a signed Let it Snow to a random commenter before! I will announce that winner at midnight, as I finish answering questions! And I will give out ANOTHER copy tonight, to ANOTHER random commenter! I just can’t stop!
So, leave your questions, and I’ll GET ON THEM! Let’s have CHRISTMAS EVE TOGETHER!
Oh, and The Gonk? Is here:
QUESTION ONE, 9:23 PM
They have failed, Gabriella, and I'm afraid Santa can't help you. I know this because he just went down our street in the fire truck, wrapped in plastic. This is a tradition in our town. Every Christmas Eve, usually when we are having dinner, we hear the sirens in the distance and my mom says, "EVERYBODY GET UP SANTA IS COMING ON THE FIRE TRUCK GET UP NOW, NOW, NOW . . ." and we have to drop everything and stand outside. And inevitably, as he did this year, he turns down some other street, so we stand there for about fifteen minutes but my mother, who is CONSUMED by Cheer, refuses to let us go back inside until we have WAVED TO SANTA. So I saw him and he does not have your stuff. I think the plastic was for the rain.
But you are not without hope, because I totally have your back and have some gifts you can get RIGHT NOW if you hurry and they are fine, fine gifts.
First of all, you can get this:
Yes, that's a Hannah Montana full coverage bra in 34a, which anyone can wear, even guys! If it doesn't fit as a bra, you can use it as a hairband. It was in Macy's which I think is still open so HURRY . . .
Failing that, you can go to Seven Eleven right now. Bring a plastic bag, like the one Santa was in, and get some CHILI AND CHEESE.
This is both delicious and economical. Nothing says Christmas like a bag of chili and cheese!
QUESTION TWO, 9:35 PM
I am for them. They make much more sense to me than those scary doll clamps we demonstrate in the video. Also, we have such things HERE, IN THIS HOUSE. Yes, even our bathrooms get their own special bubble lights. Except for the downstairs powder room, which is the domain of my lawyer, C. Catso Fangola. That is where he keeps his legal office and litter box, and the bubble light gives him the shakes and makes him howl at the wall.
Remember, SANTA is just SATAN spelled wrong! So that may help you think of your demonic glow as more of a Cheer-glow!
QUESTION THREE, 9:45 PM
Let me tell you a Christmas story, Chelsea, that actually happened to me.
When I was a kid, I was not exactly Little Mozart. Thoughts came slowly to the tiny mj brain. So, I was sitting there after a Christmas party with a toy I had gotten, but instead of playing with the toy, I decided the thing to do was break off some of the Styrofoam and stick it up my nose. As you do.
So I went in to the kitchen to proudly show my mother what I was achieved, and she said, "WHY DID YOU STICK STYROFOAM UP YOUR NOSE?" And I just smiled enigmatically, probably because I had no idea. I mean, if you go around sticking Styrofoam up your nose, you are probably not thinking very deeply.
My mother, who is a nurse and Knows Things, got a flashlight and looked up my nose and decided that this was very bad, because the Styrofoam might get into my sinus. So she turned off the oven, where our dinner was cooking, and packed me up. See, it was snowing. A lot. It was a huge storm. And we had to drive to the hospital in it. (Well, my parents did. Or one of them did.) The drive, which normally took ten minutes took and hour and a half, and when we pulled into the parking lot . . . I sneezed. Out came the Styrofoam.
My mother was not amused and decided that since we had risked our lives getting to the ER in the first place, I was going to be seen. So we went in and it was all deserted, because there was a storm. So everyone was paying attention to me . . . the little child who stuck foam up her nose. And you know who was there? SANTA! Yes, there was a hospital Santa and he was TOTALLY BORED, and in came this little kid, and he had something to do! So I got a TOY!
And my mother said, "OH NO SHE IS ALWAYS GOING TO THINK THAT IF YOU STICK THINGS UP YOUR NOSE YOU WILL GET TO SEE SANTA." And you know what, Chelsea? I DO think that!
I realize this may not help you directly, but if you meditate on this story for a while, I am sure you will be able to make the connections.
QUESTION FOUR, 10:00 PM
Two words, Joanna: puppet show.
NOT A QUESTION, A CORRECTION 10:05 PM
My mother has just informed me that I put paper up my nose at home. And then, shortly after, I put Styrofoam up my nose as an attempt to repeat the experience.
QUESTION FIVE, 10:25 PM
Devyn, I assume you are asking how you tell someone that you LIKE like them. This is always tricky, but I have a method that is very useful. It is called, "I AM HAVING ONE OF MY EPISODES."
Here's how it works.
When yo see your friend, make sure to look good, but not TOO good. Don't, for example, get dressed up in a top hat and tails. Keep it casual good. Just hang out and talk for a while, make some jokes, act like everything is normal. And then, just say, "I LIKE like you."
Then immediately clutch your head, sway a bit and yell "OH NO! I AM HAVING ONE OF MY EPISODES." Fall to the ground.
If the friend is creeped out by your admission, he or she will probably sneak away and leave you for dead. If the person likes you, he or she will stay and cradle you in his or her arms until you come back to consciousness, which you should do in about five minutes.
If the person does not seem to feel the same way, this method gives you an out. Because later you can say, "What happened? I woke up and you were gone?"
And then the person will start mumbling something about just liking you as a friend. Cut them off quickly and say, "What are you talking about? I was having ONE OF MY EPISODES. And when I have an episode, I say some words twice and then pass out."
And then the person will be embarrassed and you will have the upper hand, forever.
For the holidays, do this in a Santa hat or festive sweater.
QUESTION SIX, 11:00 PM
Stay calm, Hannah. I've got this. Here's what you do. Take your computer and get as close to them as possible. Crank up the volume, expand the screen, and play this:
Do this three times. This will upset them and make it very hard for them to play. Watch them closely. They will start making mistakes. Then, hit them with this:
Stay strong, Hannah. Keep the computer on them. And as it plays, mutter the word "tampons" under your breath.
They will see the error of their ways and immediately leave to commit acts of CHEER.
QUESTION SEVEN, 11:35 PM
WHERE DO YOU LIVE? I WILL BE THERE IN TEN MINUTES.
QUESTION EIGHT, 11:50 PM
Sarah, I not only know this, I have done it. I've done even worse than this, actually.
I played this game when I was snowed in to my friend's house, and he said, "You should play this. You would like it. You like organizing things."
And I do like organizing things. But I hate rides. So when I built my theme park, I ignored the rides and concentrated on food stands and costumed characters. I had no good roller coasters, but I won a never-before-seen award for best food! And then I hired all these people dressed like tigers to entertain people in the lines for my terrible rides, and I went to move one of them, which you do by picking them up with what looks like a little claw. But I wasn't very good with the controls, and I accidentally dropped my costumed tiger in one of my ornamental lakes (I also invested in landscaping) and it struggled and DROWNED. Which totally bummed out the little patrons in the game. So I built a new food court.
QUESTION NINE, 11:57 PM
Try reading it in a Swedish accent. Imagine Abba is reading it. Or use this.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!
A signed Let it Snow to DASHA (send me your address, Dasha) . . .
And another to a random commenter on THIS POST!
So for 25 days I have been working away . . . on CHEER. And signing a few hundred cards for the MJ Holiday Card Workshop. Also, I finished my book. Yes, I was deep in Scrooge’s workshop, writing away by the light of one guttering candle to get Scarlett Fever done.
And now I am in Philadelphia for Christmas! I almost didn’t make it. It started when I booked my train ticket, and then I got on the train, which was oversold. So I was crowded into a seat. I had five bags with me—two overhead, one behind the seat, one by my feet, and one essentially on my head. I heard the conductor say the name of my stop and say it was the SECOND STOP. So I took out my computer and prepared to do a little work on something you’ll see below.
And then, we didn’t go anywhere. Apparently, the rails broke. We sat and we sat and we sat. I barely noticed when the train finally started going. So there I was, minding my own business, working away, computer open, coat off, and we finally slowed to the first stop and it was . . . MY STOP.
And I was still . . . computer open, coat off, headphones on, five bags in all directions. And the conductor started yelling, “THIS TRAIN IS GOING TO HARRISBURG!”
Harrisburg is very far from Philadelphia, and I was very far from getting off the train, so what happened next was me yelling, “#^$^&*^#$&*^&*%!%!!!” I slammed my computer shut, but for some unknown reason, it started to play music OUT LOUD. Specifically, it played THE GONK, which is the music featured in the thing you will see below.
One thing you kind of don’t want? Is to be jumping around a crowded train, yanking out bags, swearing profusely . . . AND blasting The Gonk from your bag. But that’s how I arrived home for the holiday. And I only made it because a man blocked the door with his body, giving me just enough time to eject myself and my five bags and my musical accompaniment on to the train platform. My computer was so mad at being slammed shut that it refused to stop playing The Gonk as I walked through the train station.
I was very quiet in the car.
I felt much better when we got back to my house. When we pulled up, it was all decorated. We Johnsons go all out in the Cheer department. I learned from the best. Every single room in our house is decorated, many with items actually made by my mother, who has the gene that allows her to make VERY FANCY DECORATIONS. So I was all ready for the Cheer. I opened the door and saw the thousands of twinkling lights, and our dozens of nutcrackers, and our bows and our wreaths and our snowmen. I looked over and saw our Christmas village (the basis of the Flobie Santa Village in Let it Snow).
And there was an alarm going off, and my mother was on the ten foot ladder screaming, “ALL I DID WAS PUT OUT A SCENTED OIL DIFFUSER AND IT HAS BEEN GOING OFF FOR A HALF AN HOUR AND I CANNOT GET IT TO STOP.”
So then we had to Cheerfully pull some circuit breakers and Cheerfully call the electrician.
Now, I have many questions here that I have not answered as I was gone for so long. So I will try to make that up this week, because as far as I am concerned, Cheer STARTS on Christmas! But let me try to answer a few. And let me try to do it in a way I have never done before. I am going to try to SORT OF LIVE BLOG some Cheer! Every hour until Christmas, I will UPDATE this blog and answer at least one CHEER RELATED QUESTION from the comments! So leave them now, and as you wait for Santa, I will STUDY the questions and provide the most advanced CHEER-RELATED answers I can!
ALSO! I promised a signed Let it Snow to a random commenter before! I will announce that winner at midnight, as I finish answering questions! And I will give out ANOTHER copy tonight, to ANOTHER random commenter! I just can’t stop!
So, leave your questions, and I’ll GET ON THEM! Let’s have CHRISTMAS EVE TOGETHER!
Oh, and The Gonk? Is here:
QUESTION ONE, 9:23 PM
Gabriella said...
Amazon is sadly bringing cheer down. They have FAILED to deliver half our family's presents on christmas eve like they PROMISED. What are the odds that santa had them in his possession and will show up in the middle of the night/before we leave for the grandparents house with all of them?
They have failed, Gabriella, and I'm afraid Santa can't help you. I know this because he just went down our street in the fire truck, wrapped in plastic. This is a tradition in our town. Every Christmas Eve, usually when we are having dinner, we hear the sirens in the distance and my mom says, "EVERYBODY GET UP SANTA IS COMING ON THE FIRE TRUCK GET UP NOW, NOW, NOW . . ." and we have to drop everything and stand outside. And inevitably, as he did this year, he turns down some other street, so we stand there for about fifteen minutes but my mother, who is CONSUMED by Cheer, refuses to let us go back inside until we have WAVED TO SANTA. So I saw him and he does not have your stuff. I think the plastic was for the rain.
But you are not without hope, because I totally have your back and have some gifts you can get RIGHT NOW if you hurry and they are fine, fine gifts.
First of all, you can get this:
Yes, that's a Hannah Montana full coverage bra in 34a, which anyone can wear, even guys! If it doesn't fit as a bra, you can use it as a hairband. It was in Macy's which I think is still open so HURRY . . .
Failing that, you can go to Seven Eleven right now. Bring a plastic bag, like the one Santa was in, and get some CHILI AND CHEESE.
This is both delicious and economical. Nothing says Christmas like a bag of chili and cheese!
QUESTION TWO, 9:35 PM
Halle said...
What do you think about chrismtas lights in a washroom? And what do you think if said christmas lights are radiating a demonic red glow that instills fear into anybody needing to pee?
I am for them. They make much more sense to me than those scary doll clamps we demonstrate in the video. Also, we have such things HERE, IN THIS HOUSE. Yes, even our bathrooms get their own special bubble lights. Except for the downstairs powder room, which is the domain of my lawyer, C. Catso Fangola. That is where he keeps his legal office and litter box, and the bubble light gives him the shakes and makes him howl at the wall.
Remember, SANTA is just SATAN spelled wrong! So that may help you think of your demonic glow as more of a Cheer-glow!
QUESTION THREE, 9:45 PM
Chelsea said...
So... Let's say your mom has had a Very Bad Tooth Infection and is currently on antibiotics, but all of a sudden it starts to go insane and she almost has to go to the emergency room. But she ends up not going to the E.R. because you called beforehand and they said they couldn't do anything and there was a three hour wait. What would you do to Cheer your mom up?
Let me tell you a Christmas story, Chelsea, that actually happened to me.
When I was a kid, I was not exactly Little Mozart. Thoughts came slowly to the tiny mj brain. So, I was sitting there after a Christmas party with a toy I had gotten, but instead of playing with the toy, I decided the thing to do was break off some of the Styrofoam and stick it up my nose. As you do.
So I went in to the kitchen to proudly show my mother what I was achieved, and she said, "WHY DID YOU STICK STYROFOAM UP YOUR NOSE?" And I just smiled enigmatically, probably because I had no idea. I mean, if you go around sticking Styrofoam up your nose, you are probably not thinking very deeply.
My mother, who is a nurse and Knows Things, got a flashlight and looked up my nose and decided that this was very bad, because the Styrofoam might get into my sinus. So she turned off the oven, where our dinner was cooking, and packed me up. See, it was snowing. A lot. It was a huge storm. And we had to drive to the hospital in it. (Well, my parents did. Or one of them did.) The drive, which normally took ten minutes took and hour and a half, and when we pulled into the parking lot . . . I sneezed. Out came the Styrofoam.
My mother was not amused and decided that since we had risked our lives getting to the ER in the first place, I was going to be seen. So we went in and it was all deserted, because there was a storm. So everyone was paying attention to me . . . the little child who stuck foam up her nose. And you know who was there? SANTA! Yes, there was a hospital Santa and he was TOTALLY BORED, and in came this little kid, and he had something to do! So I got a TOY!
And my mother said, "OH NO SHE IS ALWAYS GOING TO THINK THAT IF YOU STICK THINGS UP YOUR NOSE YOU WILL GET TO SEE SANTA." And you know what, Chelsea? I DO think that!
I realize this may not help you directly, but if you meditate on this story for a while, I am sure you will be able to make the connections.
QUESTION FOUR, 10:00 PM
Joanna said...
Any Christmas Eve suggestions for, say, a Jew who is stuck inside because of some freak snowstorms and has in fact barely left the house in 5 days because of said snow and is now going a little STIR CRAZY? You know, just hypothetically.
Two words, Joanna: puppet show.
NOT A QUESTION, A CORRECTION 10:05 PM
My mother has just informed me that I put paper up my nose at home. And then, shortly after, I put Styrofoam up my nose as an attempt to repeat the experience.
QUESTION FIVE, 10:25 PM
Devyn said...
How do you say HAPPY HOLIDAYS--OHH AND I 'LIKE' YOU! To a friend? :O!
Devyn, I assume you are asking how you tell someone that you LIKE like them. This is always tricky, but I have a method that is very useful. It is called, "I AM HAVING ONE OF MY EPISODES."
Here's how it works.
When yo see your friend, make sure to look good, but not TOO good. Don't, for example, get dressed up in a top hat and tails. Keep it casual good. Just hang out and talk for a while, make some jokes, act like everything is normal. And then, just say, "I LIKE like you."
Then immediately clutch your head, sway a bit and yell "OH NO! I AM HAVING ONE OF MY EPISODES." Fall to the ground.
If the friend is creeped out by your admission, he or she will probably sneak away and leave you for dead. If the person likes you, he or she will stay and cradle you in his or her arms until you come back to consciousness, which you should do in about five minutes.
If the person does not seem to feel the same way, this method gives you an out. Because later you can say, "What happened? I woke up and you were gone?"
And then the person will start mumbling something about just liking you as a friend. Cut them off quickly and say, "What are you talking about? I was having ONE OF MY EPISODES. And when I have an episode, I say some words twice and then pass out."
And then the person will be embarrassed and you will have the upper hand, forever.
For the holidays, do this in a Santa hat or festive sweater.
QUESTION SIX, 11:00 PM
hannah said...
what if you are trying to enjoy a nice christmas eve with your parents, watching Its a Wonderful Life, and then your brother comes home with 5 of his very loud and obnoxious friends who want to play poker at your kitchen table for just a few min. your mom says sure why not?! they have now been here for 45min and are getting louder by the min. help me...
Stay calm, Hannah. I've got this. Here's what you do. Take your computer and get as close to them as possible. Crank up the volume, expand the screen, and play this:
Do this three times. This will upset them and make it very hard for them to play. Watch them closely. They will start making mistakes. Then, hit them with this:
Stay strong, Hannah. Keep the computer on them. And as it plays, mutter the word "tampons" under your breath.
They will see the error of their ways and immediately leave to commit acts of CHEER.
QUESTION SEVEN, 11:35 PM
Nadia Murti said...
What should one do when confronted by loud parents who refuse to stop singing ABBA? When these parents cannot sing?
WHERE DO YOU LIVE? I WILL BE THERE IN TEN MINUTES.
QUESTION EIGHT, 11:50 PM
SarahE said...
Did you know that on Rollercoaster Tycoon you can actually manipulate the people in the park? At the exit, if you stop them from leaving with a no entry sign, they get very depressed and drag themselves around, heads hanging forlornly. You can also drown them. One time, when I logged onto the game, I realized that my sister had drowned 20 people in a row. It wasn't very Cheery. She also made one of the rides crash, killing eight more souls. It was truly terrible.
Sarah, I not only know this, I have done it. I've done even worse than this, actually.
I played this game when I was snowed in to my friend's house, and he said, "You should play this. You would like it. You like organizing things."
And I do like organizing things. But I hate rides. So when I built my theme park, I ignored the rides and concentrated on food stands and costumed characters. I had no good roller coasters, but I won a never-before-seen award for best food! And then I hired all these people dressed like tigers to entertain people in the lines for my terrible rides, and I went to move one of them, which you do by picking them up with what looks like a little claw. But I wasn't very good with the controls, and I accidentally dropped my costumed tiger in one of my ornamental lakes (I also invested in landscaping) and it struggled and DROWNED. Which totally bummed out the little patrons in the game. So I built a new food court.
QUESTION NINE, 11:57 PM
Renata said...
Maureen, I'm reading your blog and laughing out loud very loudly in my grandfather's living room and everyone keeps looking at me weird and asking me what the heck is so funny. Then I read it out loud and they just don't get it . . . how can I explain to them the amazing humor that is Maureen Johnson?
Try reading it in a Swedish accent. Imagine Abba is reading it. Or use this.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!
A signed Let it Snow to DASHA (send me your address, Dasha) . . .
And another to a random commenter on THIS POST!
Labels: cheer, dolls, Libba Bray, live blog
posted by Maureen at
5:09 AM
164 Comments
