Last Christmas Eve, I tried to answer as many questions as I could in a massive BLOG MARATHON that lasted all night. This year, in the countdown to Christmas, I am going to try to do something LIKE that. Throughout the day, I will post ANSWERS to your questions on a rolling basis. But let’s get started!
Jo07 asks: what do you do when someone gets you a gift unexpectedly you've gotten them nothing?
When I was just a tiny mj, I was pretty good with my homework, generally. But I had a terrible memory for Kindergarten show and tell day. I would always find out about show and tell when we gathered in line to go into school and I would go into a SILENT INNER PANIC about the fact that I hadn’t brought anything. The first time I remember this happening, I yoinked a stick off one of the trees outside—a little bent one. When show and tell came around, I told everyone it was a snake stick. It was what baby snakes used to learn how to crawl. And another time, I found out when show and tell started so I just had to roll with it and show my ARM, like that was what I meant to bring all along. I showed it all around the room and told everyone what I did with it. Pretty slick, right?
This presence of mind is pretty remarkable because, as I was just remembering today, I was a pretty clueless kid. Weird stuff was always happening to me and it’s ONLY NOW that I realize how strange it was. Take, for instance, the bus driver I had when I was in first grade who was this seventy-year old playboy who used to stop the bus and take us into McDonald’s every single morning because he was hitting on the manager, a saucy wench of seventy herself. We were late pretty much every day because of this. I had no idea this was weird!
Or what about the creepy bus driver we had when I was in second grade (once they fired the other guy because he used to take us into McDonald’s every morning without permission and make us late for school), the one who used to have me come and stand BETWEEN THE SAFETY BAR AND HER SEAT to MASSAGE HER SHOULDERS as she drove. I did this! Why? Because some adult told me to. Did I like it? No. But she would always say, “Maureen, come rub my shoulders,” and I would sigh and put down my book and when we reached a red light I was squeeze my tiny body into that space and do her bidding. How did this unspeakably creepy behavior come to an end? That would be when THE BUS CRASHED. Yes, we LOST OUR BRAKES* as we were going down an incline and took out two other cars and there I was squeezed into what was more or less the most dangerous spot possible on the bus. I was still there when the police came on to the bus, and they were like, “What the hell are you doing there?” Let me tell you the one answer a police officer loves to hear from a child: “I was massaging the bus driver.”
Or, when I was in high school, and we had this 23 year-old bus driver who I used to talk to as we were driving around. And then he started asking me out. Every. Single. Day. He was all, “You could tell your parents you’re going somewhere else and I’ll meet you down the street and we’ll go to dinner.” At first, I tried to laugh it off. Then I tried to explain that I was busy, forever. That my parents locked me in the basement. That was allergic to being outside. Anything. This guy would just not stop. So I was telling my friend Betty Vox about it one day in her homeroom and her teacher overheard and she reported the guy. He was so furious at me that he screamed at me for five minutes and then HE RIPPED OUT MY SEAT.
Now, that may sound like a completely irrelevant bunch of anecdotes about my very bad luck with school bus drivers and not an answer to the question of all, but it is, in fact, my way of LEADING you to the answer. What I’m saying is . . . don’t massage the bus driver. Maybe just don’t massage, because 9 times out of 10, that is a creepy offer. Like, if your co-worker in accounting gives you a scented holiday candle, don’t just grab a post-it note and write “GOOD FOR ONE FREE MASSAGE BY ME!” on it and hand it over while making squishy-squishy motions with your hands. Likewise, if someone in your class gives you a gift certificate you weren’t expecting, don’t then ask them out every single day for the rest of the year and then if they complain physically tear their homeroom desk from its moorings and turn it on its side in the back of the room. Or if your friend’s grandmother gives you some homemade cookies, don’t forcibly take her to McDonald’s every single morning at seven thirty and then hit on the staff as she sits there, looking at her hashbrown in confusion. Some people will say these points are self-evident, but not all. Not all. And if I can reach just one person, this blog has done its job.
The stick and arm tricks work pretty well, though. Try those.***
OR! You can give them a FREE SUITE SCARLETT! Always have this link ready.
*vampires? ** This really happened. All of these really happened. In the case of the massaged bus driver . . . it just came up because my mom, who is a school nurse, was telling me about a bus crash at her school today. Luckily, it wasn’t serious and no one was hurt, but she had to deal with it. And I said, “Remember that time my bus crashed?” And she said yes, and how she was so mad because the school or district didn’t TELL her that the bus crashed—they said the bus stalled (which our buses did ALL OF THE TIME). So I got home and told her all about this crash, and she was furious that no one told her and she called the school and complained. And literally the only other time my mom called my grade school and complained was in eight grade when she found out that I knew absolutely nothing about the sea battle between the Monitor and the Merrimack. She’s convinced this is pretty much the most important thing that has happened, ever. Well, I can tell you that I have graduated from college and grad school and I have fancy degrees and I still don’t know %^$# about the Monitor and the Merrimack. So I don’t know what that says about me, or naval history, but anyway, I said, “Yeah, and I was standing between the safety bar and the driver’s seat because she used to make her massage her shoulders . . .” And it was only AS I WAS SPEAKING that it occurred to me just how extraordinarily creepy it is. *** On second thought, giving parts of your body as gifts might also be creepy. And “snake stick” doesn’t sound much better. Don’t do either of these things.
mighty_mudha asks: So, the boy and I are spending xmas with his family....first time meeting them....any advice? (I'm overly nervous...)
The holidays are a wonderful time to get to know the parents of a significant other—but the experience can go HORRIBLY WRONG if you are not careful. Thankfully, you asked me in time. Right now, go and get as many objects relating to your S.O. as you can get your hands on. Go! Get them!
You see, the main thing parents of an S.O. want to know is that you REVERE their child in the same way they do. Well, not in the same EXACT way, but they want to see the depth of your appreciation. And the FIRST way you do this is by making some tribute tree ornaments, glorifying your S.O.
I realize that some of you are craftier than others and that some of you may find the prospect of making these ornaments daunting. But don’t worry. These can be as simple as attaching a picture to a pre-made ornament. I’ve made one of my friend John Green to show you how easily this can be done.
This simple and elegant ornament requires only scissors and tape.
You will undoubtedly have a collection of totems from your relationship which you have saved and can easily convert into ornaments simply by attaching a hook or a bit of ribbon, and perhaps a short note with a bit of a memory! Here is are two examples:
Your collection of totems can be easily converted in a matter of minutes.
Now, the key part of this is PRESENTATION. You don’t want to just shove this box of ornaments at your hosts. You need to decorate their tree with them. The easiest way to do this is when everyone is sleeping. If you are not staying overnight, the best thing to do is excuse yourself and get outside, taking their car keys with you. Put their car into neutral and push it as far down the street as you can. Then come back in and scream, “SOMEONE HAS STOLEN YOUR CAR!” When everyone runs out, lock the door and get started! If the tree is already decorated, simply remove the decorations and start over. If they do not have a tree, either bring one or hang the decorations on the refrigerator or some other large object. If they have pets, you can also decorate them.
When everyone wakes up or comes in through the window (depending on your situation), they will be ENCHANTED to see what you have done! Imagine the beautiful scene, this display of your love! Don’t worry if no one is talking about your decorating. Sometimes people have trouble expressing very deep emotion. They must just look down, or at each other, or at your S.O. But trust me, your relationship will now be the NUMBER ONE thing on their minds. You have them EXACTLY where you want them. You could easily stop there and you’d be golden, but I think it’s best to press on, burrowing your way further into their hearts like some kind of parasite of love.
At this point, it may be time to eat. This is a major opportunity to impress the parents with your intricate knowledge of your S.O.’s eating habits. It’s important to demonstrate that you are fully prepared—no, fully DETERMINED—to make sure all of their nutritional needs are met. As I am sure you know, real love means exerting control over every single aspect of your S.O.’s existence.
So when the Christmas beastie and the trimmings are being passed around, make sure to examine absolutely everything that goes on to your S.O.’s plate. It might be useful to have a small food scale with you. There are many tiny models that you can slide into a purse or a man-bag, but there is nothing wrong with hauling a larger, industrial model to the table. Be bold. People admire boldness. Whenever your S.O. tries to spoon something on to his or her plate, guide their hand over to the scale. Once you have an accurate measurement of the food, use your computer or a small book on nutrition to calculate the exact nutritional value of each and every serving and edit it as necessary. You might have to bring along some Tupperware containers full of whole grains or steamed vegetables and make up the rest of the plate. (Make sure to have a plastic bag ready for all the unwanted items you scrape off the plate.)
Now that you’ve proven your serious dedication to your S.O.’s health, you need to take that one extra step to prove that you are ready to do anything for them. Nothing, truly nothing, impresses an S.O.’s parents like ACTUALLY SAVING YOUR S.O.’s life RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. To do this, you are probably going to have to nudge certain things along a little—namely, you have to make it appear that your S.O. is in harm’s way. This can usually be accomplished with little to no injury on the part of your S.O. Here are just some ways you can do this:
Choking is a very effective trick, and you can do this right at the table. If you feel comfortable with your Heimlich skills, you can go ahead and stick a fishbone or small pebble into you S.O.’s meal. If you’re less sure, you can go ahead and perform the maneuver whenever your S.O. coughs. (If you S.O. is not prone to coughing, a quick handful of glitter to the face does the trick wonderfully.) Just get up behind them, pull them out of their seat, grab them around the middle and start squeezing, screaming, “BREATHE, damn you, BREATHE!”
If you are lucky enough to have an S.O. with a very serious allergy, this is a piece of cake. Slip the allergen quietly into the scene and let nature do the rest. MAKE SURE you have the EpiPen or any other necessary medication on the ready, otherwise this is just attempted (or completed) murder, and that will not impress anyone.
I know that for some people this last step might seem like too much, but trust me . . . once you have saved (or appeared to save) your S.O.’s life in front of their parents, they can NEVER REJECT YOU and you can do whatever you want, forever.
I hope this has helped. Please, continue to send your questions, and I will continue to answer them.
UPDATE: Due to popular demand, I am auctioning off the beautiful John Green ornament seen above for CHARITY! The ornament is paper on glass, handcrafted and absolutely one of a kind, with artist's signature. Send your bids in to Twitter. The auction starts NOW and ends at noon tomorrow (EST). The winner will make an online donation to Citymeals on Wheels, and I will send the ornament with my SPECIAL THANKS.
PLUS . . . you will ALSO get the ONE AND ONLY HARDBACK COPY OF SCARLETT FEVER, my PERSONAL copy with my handwritten notes in it. Truly, you cannot get it ANYWHERE else.
Listen you guys . . . I am about to lay something critical on you. I am probably not supposed to be telling you this. I am going to get myself in trouble with the League of Real Writers. But you know that I am always compelled to tell you the truth. I won’t tell everyone, but I will tell YOU, friends. Just you. So here goes.
If you want to be a Real Writer, you must learn the fine art of the excuse. Observe:
So, you know how I said yesterday, on the first day of NaNoWriMo, that I would try to give advice EVERY DAY? Well, you may have to cut me SOME slack this week because I am moving tomorrow. Everything I own is in boxes, and after I finish writing this, my desk is going to be taken away and I will have NOTHING. And the cable appointment got messed up so I won’t even have my own internet until sometime on Thursday, so until then I’ll be sneaking around my new building trying to bogart some signal through the walls. Hopefully no one will paint with that special paint that blocks signals, and everyone will have nice, non-password-protected wifi.
Plus, I just found out that the new desk doesn’t come until Friday, so until then I will be a DESKLESS FREAK with NO SIGNAL in a WORLD OF BOXES. Plus my mailbox key doesn’t work. And I have to get this thing for my intercom. And I have to go out and all kinds of STUFF so that I can live like a normal person, like a shiny new trashcan. You guys—I NEED A TRASHCAN.
So this week is a bit special. But will I TRY? Oh, I will try! But if service is a little on and off for a few days, that is why.*
Now, you see, that is a pretty solid excuse. Moving your entire house and not having anywhere to sit and having to let movers in and shove boxes around and not having a buzzer or a key or any clothes or a trashcan . . . sometimes, life happens, and you have to deal with the life stuff completely. Many of you will face a few days this month that are simply so full or otherwise out of control that you won’t be able to write. And that’s fine. Those days often give you something to write ABOUT.
And also? You make up for it. Because when it comes to meeting the mark, aim for NO EXCUSES. Now, I realize that this probably seems like it runs counter to my previous statements about excuses, but hear me out. You have to allow for bumps and problems and days that are just slow or rough going. You can and will make up for them. For all the days I have been moving, I have found and replaced the time in my writing schedule, because my book is still due when it is due. It will still get done at the same time. If you get sick and miss a few days, if you start late, if you have to go away for a weekend, if someone needs your help, if you house is swept away in a tornado and you land in a magical kingdom . . . don’t worry. You’ll get back on track JUST LIKE ME.
Now, let’s get to today’s question.
Rachel asks: I've always loved writing and definitely consider becoming an author a goal of mine, this said, I think it would be a good idea for me to do NaNoWriMo. However, I don't think I have the time to do it (high school is way to stressful) and don't have a clear outline of a book ready at all. I have an idea for a book but I don't know if I like it or where it's going. Should I attempt it, knowing I'll probably fail, or not have the time necessary to complete it, or do it anyways?
I think you should definitely do it. Here is why:
1. No one has the time. (See above story for clarification, and just pretend I never said that part about missing a few days.**) You make the time if you want to write. If you do not want to write, you do not make the time. So if your goal is to become an author, start giving the time now.
2. No one knows what they are doing when they start out. Before you write a book, you do not know how to write a book. Catchy, and true.
3. There is no way of putting this delicately, so I am just going to shove it out there . . . if you are in high school or are otherwise just starting out, MUCH OF WHAT YOU WRITE IS GOING TO SUCK. This is because you learn to write while writing. So for a while, you have to embrace the Suckmonster. Hug it close to you. Love your Suckmonster, because your Suckmonster is going to help you get where you want to go. He is your friend and traveling companion. He’s friendly and furry and Muppet-like. Picture him clearly in your head now. Take a moment.
Do you see the Suckmonster? Isn’t he cute? Why not give your Suckmonster a name? That should kill a few minutes!
You have a friend. He's right there with you!
See, where the Suckmonster roams, progress is often made. A good sentence here, a clear idea there, maybe a great paragraph, and then a great page. But first, you have to try, and you cannot fear or avoid the Suckmonster. Because his presence doesn’t indicate failure. Every good writer I know has a friendly Suckmonster on a leash.
Really, the only way you can fail is not even trying in the first place. So don’t worry about how much you like it or where it’s going . . . just START.
I hope that encourages you, and that if necessary, I can come and live in your house. Until . . . soon. And please, continue to send your QUESTIONS.
* This means if I DO succeed, you should be extra impressed. ** Because, no, seriously . . . I AM MOVING. And I have totally done my 50,000 words many times over. If a marathon runner needed three days to get, like, a new FOOT BONE or something, would you give them @#$%? No. Of course you wouldn’t.
Can you believe it! It’s November, which means it’s time for NaNoWriMo—National Novel Writing Month, in which something like 100,000 people have signed up to sit in a chair (or stand, if you like, or recline, or maybe suspend yourself from the ceiling, as I would like to do) for an entire month and string together approximately 1,666 words per day. That’s 50,000 words by the end of the month.
It’s time to BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS and GET IN THE CHAIR.
Since writing is WHAT I DO, and since I love to provide SERVICES, I will be answering NaNoWriMo advice questions and attempting to dispense some advice EVERY DAY.*
You may be asking yourself, “mj, are you actually DOING NaNoWriMo this year?”
My friends, I am always doing NaNoWriMo. I will be writing many, many words in November, but I will not be listed on the official ranks because I will not be uploading what I write. This is because those 50,000 words belong to a book that is already under contract, a book that is already well underway. I’ll be writing a lot, and you’ll be able to see those words eventually, when the book is out.
But trust me, I’m going to be coughing up a LOT of words.
And now, the first NaNoWriMo question . . .
Samuel asks: Hey! I'd love to read your advice of having/developing a writing habit -- more to the point, I'm curious if you treat it like a job (i.e. always writing at the same time every day, no distractions). For people who work a full time job and struggle with kids/pets/pants, what advice do you have for making sure the writing gets done too?
I like the phrase “writing habit.” All writers start with a “writing habit,” which is admittedly pretty weird and antisocial, but is still better than an “arson habit” or a “loud whistling” habit. If you really want to write, you have to make it habitual—and NaNoWriMo can help you develop it.
It’s ALSO a job. Well, it’s my job. And I do treat it as such, and proudly. Personally, I don’t write at the same exact time every day. My job has flexible hours. But I generally work 6-7 days a week, and at weird times when other people aren’t working. Because writing is my habit as well as my job, it’s just part of the continuum of my life.
But I think your main question is: how can you schedule in all that writing when you have ANOTHER job, and a family, and a life? How can you make it all work? HOW IS THIS GOING TO BE POSSIBLE? There are hamsters to feed and shiny things to collect and people who will want to talk to you and phone calls that need returning . . . To answer this, let’s return to the idea of the job. When I first got serious about making myself a professional, about making writing my life, I decided to MAKE it my job, even though I had two full-time jobs at the moment. I begged, borrowed, and stole the time. I wrote whenever I could, under whatever conditions, making sure I clocked a minimum of two hours a day, if not four or six. I was a pretty terrible employee, but I was developing the correct attitude about writing!
Writing doesn’t come to you. It doesn’t just hand itself over on a plate. And it’s not magic. I do not, for instance, believe in muses. I believe in work and practice. Writing has always been a craft, and there is nothing wrong with viewing it as a job, something you must do. Shakespeare was a workman playwright (notice the “wright”), after all. It means “maker” or “builder.” It means WORKER.
I realize this idea of writing as a job conflicts with portrayals of writers on tv and in film, where the writers are usually these weird creative types that are always sawing on about something esoteric, hammering away about their inspirations in their special writing studio. Perhaps they are wearing a beret.
Writers on TV and in films are shown this way because ACTUAL WRITING IS VERY BORING TO WATCH. Oh, it’s good to DO, but it is not something you want to see in action. Actual writing involves the aforementioned sitting/reclining/dangling and WRITING. Sure, some places are nicer to write in than others. For example, at this very moment, I happen to be sitting on a lovely porch overlooking some trees and woodland creatures, but this is only because I am at a wedding that is at an inn.
Notice that part in which I am AT A WEDDING. The wedding is in 90 minutes, and I am jamming this session of writing in between a long car ride, some lunch, and the ceremony. I usually write at home, or with friends who are also writers, or on the subway, in a car, on a plane, in the airport . . . I have snuck my computer into my beachbag. I have written in hospitals and on buses and in traffic.
Many of the most prolific writers I know write while raising children or working other jobs. This is because they have to LASER-FOCUS their writing into set times, and they make those times work. When I’m backed into a corner, I tend to get more done. It’s like that old saying about how if you want something done, give it to someone with too much to do. Or Robert Benchley’s quote that anyone can do any amount of work, provided that it’s not the work you are supposed to be doing at the time.
So if you are doing NaNoWriMo while working another job or going to school . . . YOU ARE SET! You simply have to blow off about two hours of your other work every day and write! You will find this kind of finkery is a time-honored tradition amongst writers, who are by nature a sneaky, nocturnal group. You are joining the proud ranks of People Who Write When They Are Supposed To Be Doing Other Things (PWWWTASTBDOT).
We cannot entirely be trusted.
Though 1,666 words SOUNDS like a lot, you will find that it comes easier with time. Because when writing becomes your habit, you’ll be able to press on, press faster, and press harder. You will not be frightened by word counts. You should find that’s true even within this month. NaNoWriMo is a great way of SNAPPING YOU LIKE A TINY TWIG, and I mean that in the best way possible. Use the train. Use the bus. Use lunch. Use 5th period Spanish** Use TV time. Use mindless internet surfing time. Make writing your job. Be proud.
Have questions? Please leave them below! And to anyone who is wondering . . . YES, the final installment of The Lost Symbol Readers’ Guide is coming soon! Why isn’t it done yet? I WAS WRITING!
* Please note the word attempt. ** High school students: I’m kidding, obviously! Stay in school! Study hard! (wink!)
Hello, everyone! I write to you from England, where it is 4 in the morning. Why am I blogging at 4 in the morning? Because my body decided that it would be fun to wake up at 3:00. I hung around in bed until 3:30, and then just gave in to the challenge.
“Fine,” I said. “Have it your way, body. You won’t think it’s so funny around 6am.”
My body ignored this and demanded a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea. So here I sit, poised in front of my computer, with several hours to go before sunrise! Exciting!
Now, you may have noticed that I have been A LITTLE BEHIND on the blogging this summer. This isn’t because I’ve been napping on the job. QUITE THE OPPOSITE. My silence was caused by the fact that I was working overtime on an exciting new project WHILE working on 13 Little Blue Envelopes 2. Plus, I was DOING STUFF.
But it’s all to the good, I assure you. And I will be able to tell you about the EXCITING NEW THING this week. And I’m not waiting just to be annoying. There’s going to be a general announcement made, and I have to stay in step with that. But I am BURSTING to tell you. Maybe that’s why I’m awake at 4am.
Anyway, since I’m up, I felt like it was time to do a blog! So I went on Twitter to ask if anyone had any questions they needed answered. I’m not sure you should take my advice on any occasion, but I can say without hesitation that you should not take the advice I dispense at 4am. Will that stop me from giving it? Of course not!
It's always time for ADVICE!
rawrlol asks: What does one DO at 4AM?
One writes a blog and gives out advice.
Elenisilelf asks: why are there no cute boys in any of my classes?
Possibly you go to MY former high school? Look around you. Is it all girls, in all directions? Are they all dressed head to toe in fireproof navy blue polyester?
Diamondelight92 asks: should i buy a snuggie or a slanket?
Wow. This was a hard one. I had to do some research before I could make a call.
The Snuggie is pure informercial magic. It unabashedly goes for the “are you too stupid to live?” audience, which I appreciate. It takes some serious chutzpah to get out there on national television and say, “You know what are hard to figure out? Blankets.” You can’t make a statement like that without VISION. That they offered a free booklight with every purchase was simply another sign of their genius. Because what does “blanket too hard” imply if not “serious reader”? I can smell that copy of Chicken Soup for the Snuggie Soul from miles away! This is why we, as a nation, immediately saluted them. We know our kind of greatness when we see it.
The Slanket people come at it from a totally different angle. They know that we all, even if we won’t admit it out loud, want a Snuggie or a Slanket. We want one very much. We all KNOW it’s just a backwards robe and that it makes you look like an insane, lazy cult member, but it’s still AWESOME! We want to drape ourselves in sleeved fleece and recline, slack-jawed, on the sofa. If offered one for free, we will greedily accept it. I wish I had one right now, to write this 4am blog! If only I could get over the shame of ordering one!
The Slanket people have tried to figure out a way to make this okay. They have done this by filling their website with weird, quasi-hip descriptions and by giving small donations to eco-friendly causes. They are the thinking person’s Snuggie. And while I like the concept to giving money to charity, and I prefer the colors, I feel this makes the Slanket too self-aware.
I feel I’m going to have to come down on the side of the Snuggie, though you really can’t lose either way. And now matter what you choose, one thing will always be true . . . if you buy a wearable towel, the Snuggie and Slanket’s bastard cousin, you are clearly some kind of an a$%&*#e.
lalibrarylady86 asks: What are Bacon Bits really made of?
Many bacon bits are, weirdly, vegetarian. (Bac-o definitely are. You have to check the labels brand by brand. An easy rule of thumb: if they are crunchy, like fish gravel or Pop Rocks, they are vegetarian! If they are kind of quasi-moist and chewy, they are real!) The fake ones are made of soy or textured vegetable protein, often flavored with soy sauce and colored with red dye. In all cases, they make delicious cupcake toppings and are wonderful to toss at weddings in lieu of confetti.
VoraciousReader asks: Pls do not think I took your 'follow me' button overseriously but am also visiting UK atm and also up at 4 am. Advice?
Would you like to come over? Perhaps I can start a 4am club!
Failing that, if you are in London, I would go and stand in line for the FIRST LONDON EYE RIDE OF THE DAY! I mean, why not?
EJ_Hope asks: What is more appropriate in a literary work - tongue in cheek, sarcasm or in you face comedy?
There’s no answer to this. There are no rights or wrongs or appropriates. What’s important is a strong, clear, distinctive voice that tells its own truth in its own way. Also, vampires. Have you tried vampires? They are like Bac-os, but for books!
springtosprung asks: I have lots of fears that keep me from doing things i wish i could. social interaction is top of the fear list. any advice?
While I would normally encourage the development of a Fear List (I have written several of them myself!), I can see the problem here. While most things (jellyfish, the sun, birds, butterflies, shelving, water slides, etc.) are out to get you, other people generally aren’t. the one thought I always find reassuring—whatever you are going through, whatever weird feeling or problem you have, you are not the only person who has experienced it.
KWMomo77 asks: My whole family thinks I am going to be a literary great but, SMeyers crushed my dreams. HELP.
How has Stephenie Meyer crushed your dreams? And why is it that your family thinks you are going to be a literary great? The one thing I notice left out of both these statements is YOU. Nine times out of ten, the only person who can raise you up or keep you down is YOU. So while it is great that your family thinks you will do AWESOME, you are the only one who can make that happen. Likewise, it’s actually really hard for other people to keep you down—especially people you don’t know who have nothing directly to do with your life.
Unless, of course, Stephanie Meyer comes into your house at night and deletes your files. This is the problem I have with J.K. Rowling, who has been my nemesis for some time. I have told many stories of how she sneaks up on me, eats my snacks, follows me, and crashes through my windows. Of course, I don’t have it NEARLY as bad as Alan Rickman, who is trapped in her basement, forced to survive on jam and swim with her dolphin, Fatso. Even so, I thrive DESPITE Rowling’s attempts to bring me down. ARE YOU READING THIS, ROWLING? YOU’LL NEVER WIN! (And kudos to the brave people who fight to FREE ALAN RICKMAN.)
sushiitrain asks: how do I deal with my crippling tendency to procrastinate when I have so many things to do?
The best thing to do is to spend a few hours on the internet researching personal organization software, downloading free trials, and learning how to set them up. I find that the only thing better than an actual, physical list of things to do are about thirteen different computerized versions of the same thing, except with long, complicated menus and functions and lots of choices of colors and themes. This is what I do and it has LITERALLY NEVER FAILED ME!
koriannespeaks asks: How do you get a hamster in your brain?
Hamsters cannot live inside your brain. This would kill both you and the hamster. Hamsters control your brain remotely. They can do this from up to 500 miles away. So don’t worry if you can’t SEE the hamster who controls you! Trust in the fact that that hamster is there, bending you to its will, even if that will is that you wake up at 3:30am and write an advice blog. TRUST THE HAMSTER.
Certainly not me! I never respond to critics! I only respond to YOU, the hamsters, and the moonlight. But I do like how CRANKY this guy is! I also like how he’s extrapolating based on one incident involving one person which was generally acknowledged by everyone, everywhere to be COMPLETELY NUTS! One person doing one thing somewhere does not a TREND make! But why let that stop you, article writer? If there’s one thing we can always use, it’s another article complaining about the internet . . . on the internet.
But wait . . . am I responding to a critic using Twitter? I mean, he said nothing about me, and I’m responding in a blog. But I did get this link FROM Twitter. And I am responding. OH NO! I am going DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE!
Whatever the case, I think that in the future, we will solve all internet disputes with dueling cat videos. This way, EVERYONE WINS!
Ah! It is sunrise over England! I see it creeping over the horizon with its rosy fingers. So I bring my advice to an end. I must now run into the streets, heralding the morning and waking the inhabitants with my morning song. Look for more from me SOON. Maybe even TOMORROW.
Epiphany asks: How do you write a college admissions essay? I love your writing advice so much I just wanted your opinion on how to go about this.
Since I am sitting here with noted collegeologist Robin “Harvard” Wasserman (who has, in fact, helped several people get into Harvard and is the author of Hacking Harvard, along with other fine books, like Skinned), I thought I could do a kind of point/counterpoint of advice on this subject. So here is Robin’s advice, followed by my replies.
HARVARD SEZ: Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but . . . be aware that basically every essay topic has been written about a million times. Admissions officers have heard it all. Your work in the soup kitchen/trip to South America/amazing grandparents . . . while very important to you . . . aren’t necessarily unique. You have to have done something REALLY exceptional to surprise them. Like perform successful open heart surgery using tools you have crafted yourself. That doesn’t mean that you can’t write about those things, or that your essay won’t be a success. Think of it this way: your application, as a whole, is a story about you. Your passions. Why you would be a good person to have on campus. You need to talk about yourself and your interests in a compelling way. A really excellent essay on your beloved sock collection is actually BETTER than a boring, rote essay about the environment. Honest writing wins.
MJ SEZ: I disagree with the “honest” part, because some people can’t be honest. For example, did you see Twilight? Did you see the part where the Cullens had all those graduation caps on the wall? Do you think Edward wrote a letter like this?
Dear Admissions Committee,
I am a 108 year old vampire, and I’ve been to college about 17 times. I am applying to your school mostly based on the local weather pattern, but don’t take that as a slight. I highly respect your academics. And while I know my 17 previous degrees might be a drawback (“why bother?” you must be thinking), I feel I have more to learn . . . and more to give.
My skills include music, running, baseball, examining slides in biology, and also I can read your mind. I prefer evening classes, and for me, every night is an all-nighter. Need couples housing because girlfriend is v. clingy, clumsy. Actually, need family housing as family is all vampire. (Lots of windows OK. Meal plan unnecessary.)
In conclusion, I ask that you admit me or I’ll eat you and all the members of your family in a blood orgy. (Kidding!)
Sincerely, Edward Cullen
HARVARD SEZ: I probably should have made clear, these rules do not apply to supernatural creatures of the night. Or, really, anyone who sparkles. Admissions officers get very distracted by sparkles.
MJ SEZ: I know they just stuck those graduation caps in for the movie but I think it works. Also, Robert Pattinson has kind of a big, awesome head. He could definitely get into Harvard. But let’s talk about the people who are worried about their writing skill.
HARVARD SEZ: Good point. Plenty of “bad writers” can still write good essay, and lots of them will get into good colleges because they’re good at math or science or football or what have you. Maybe you can’t write an amazing novel, but you can still produce an interesting, honest essay about yourself that tells the admissions staff about who you really are.
MJ SEZ: See previous note about honesty.
HARVARD SEZ: No, seriously. Don’t lie. Aside from all of the obvious concerns, it’s really hard to maintain, and you’ll probably get busted. MJ SEZ: Harvard is wrong. But let’s move on. What about guide books?
HARVARD SEZ: Oh yeah. Don’t get all freaked out by reading the sample essays in college books. Many of them suck.
MJ SEZ: Obviously, though, you should follow any models I post here. For example, I remember when I applied to college (not to HARVARD, though), I was QUOTE MANIAC! Based on my own success story, I offer the following example:
“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught,” said Oscar Wilde. This reminds me of something the poet Yeats said: “Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” Both men were talking about education, and that’s what I look for in a college . . . education.
Of course, as Aristotle reminds us, “The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.” But what fruit? Lemons? Apples? Bananas? Tomatoes (which are technically a fruit). “Yes, we have no bananas,” the song says, but are bananas what we really need?
In my four years of high school (not, as Abraham Lincoln tells us, “four score and seven,” because that’s actually 87 years, which is WAY too long for high school, lol!), I learned many things about myself. “You live, you learn,” Alanis Morissette said, back on her 1995 album, “Jagged Little Pill,” and that’s still true today. I believe that as we go on in life, we change. It was Einstein who told us that “The only source of knowledge is experience.” Change. Experience. Education.
I feel this is all summed up in the words of Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana:
There’s always going to be another mountain I’m always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm going to have to lose, Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb.
“So wise so young, they say, do never live long,” says Shakespeare. Let us hope for Miley’s sake . . . and for mine . . . that he is wrong.
Feel free to model your essays on that! And now that the INTERNET makes finding quotes so easy (you don’t even have to check them or anything, because everything on the internet is right!), you can pound out one of these babies in about five minutes, like I just did.
HARVARD SEZ: This sounds obvious, but . . . check your essay carefully for typos and spelling mistakes. And if you are using one essay to send to multiple schools, make sure you have the right school name in there! Don’t send Princeton a letter saying how much you want to go to Duke. This happens more than you think.
MJ SEZ: Actually, I think that you SHOULD put in the names of other colleges just to mess with their heads and make them JEALOUS.
HARVARD SEZ: And make sure you get someone else to read you essay—someone who isn’t just a friend. By this, I mean a teacher, a parent, or someone like that.
MJ SEZ: Or a vampire.
HARVARD SEZ: Also, don’t try to be overly clever. If they ask for an essay, send an essay. Don’t send a crayon drawing or a sculpture or a shoe with a note attached that reads, “Just wanted to get a foot in the door!” Admissions officers often keep these things to mock them.
MJ SEZ: I’ll tell you what they DO love, though. Emoticons. Pepper your essay with them! They won’t even notice them, and yet, all those smileys will affect their mood. They will remember reading your essay and being happy.
HARVARD SEZ: You have plenty of places on the application to list your achievements, so don’t go over them again and again in the essay. It looks like bragging. Bragging is bad.
MJ SEZ: BRIBING, however, is just smart. It can’t hurt to write, “P.S. I hear someone has a five dollar foot long in their future if they admit me!” Everyone loves a sandwich.
Tomorrow . . . more help for you! Leave your questions!
So far, the most remarkable thing about this Blog Every Day April thing (aside from the fact that it is happening, and that other people are doing it, and that SO MANY other people are doing it) . . . is all of the stuff I am learning by reading your blogs. I am finding out what madness goes on in your school, and that it is sunny in England, and that cats guard Chopin’s grave . . . so many things.
The first featured blogger (because every day, someone’s blog will be featured so everyone can MEET THEM) was Jordan. Jordan is also the BEDA coordinator and keeps the blogroll with all the participants. So far, about 250 people are in BEDA. IT IS NOT TO LATE TO JOIN. This is like a SLOW MOVING CARNIVAL, and you can just come right along.
Anyway, Jordan’s blog yesterday was all about this list of “18 Things to Do Before you are 18,” which he read on a box of Reese’s Puffs cereal. Having just turned 18, he wanted to make sure he was all caught up—only to find the list was a HORRIFYING AND MOSTLY IMPOSSIBLE INDEX OF MADNESS.
Here are a few excerpts:
1. Ride the world's biggest roller coaster. Just so you know, the world's biggest roller coaster is the "Kingda Ka," a Six Flags attraction in New Jersey. Despite it's terrible name, the Kingda Ka boasts a 456 foot climb and a 418 foot drop, and accelerates 0 to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds.
I don't know about you, but I–and this may seem a bit selfish on my part–prefer living as opposed to being dead. So it should be clear that a) I don't like roller coasters AT ALL, and b) I have not been on the world's biggest roller coaster. Moving on.
(MJ: AGREE.)
2. Bungee jump! Why the heck do the people at Reese's want me to kill myself? NO. NEXT.
(MJ: AGREE.)
6. Go back stage at a gig. 7. Meet your idol. 8. Play a part in your favorite TV show.
10. Make a discovery. Here, it means "Make an actual discovery. Not like those cheesy emotional ones where you discover a new hobby or something new about yourself. We want you to make a legitimate scientific discovery, and then it must be named after you."
Please forgive me, demanding box of cereal, for I have not yet made a groundbreaking discovery like the Jarvik artificial heart or the Dyson Ball. 13. Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary.
I think Jordan’s responses to this list are appropriate. What right does a cereal based on CANDY have to tell you how to live your formative years? You might as well ask your Graduation Day Troy doll for medical advice.
No. This list is the work of some advertising copywriter who was asked to create something EXTREME and EDGY for this box. Something ASPIRATIONAL, so that you will buy and eat more candy cereal, because you will develop a COMPLEX and think you are not GOOD ENOUGH and must keep SHOVING THIS CRAP DOWN YOUR THROAT while you are developing new words and building inventions in your lab and throwing yourself from great heights.
SHUT UP, REESE’S PUFFS CEREAL.
In response, I have developed my own list of 18 things that you can do AT ANY TIME. I remove the pressure of age—so if you are about to turn 18, or if you have long ago turned 18—it’s all good. These are 18 sensible, achievable things.
1. Blog every day in April
This is an obvious one, but I felt like I had to start with it. And by every day in April, I mean, do what you can! Start now, even if it is not the 1st of April! 2. Make some soup
I only know one person who does not like soup, and that person is Robin Wasserman. Make some soup for yourself, or someone else!
3. Get a hat
You could really use a hat.
4. Read a book
You should have done this by now. Feel free to tweak this as you like. “Read a book . . . every week.” “Read a book . . . every two days.” Whatever you want. But let’s start with a baseline of A BOOK. 5. Make a friend
Another one that has probably been covered, so you can rewrite it however you like. I suggest you “Make a friend . . . on BEDA.” Why not just read some of the blogs and start talking to someone if you like what they have to say? 6. Say something nice to someone
Many people are walking around thinking that they suck. One nice word can make all the difference. Absolutely true story from my first day in the Polyester Gulag (high school) . . . I got through that day by the skin of my teeth. I was in a convent. I didn’t know any of the prayers that everyone else knew (I wasn’t Catholic). I didn’t know the local parishes, or how things were DONE, and we were lectured all day long on how we had to memorize all the rules by the end of the week or we were going to get our a$%es handed to us. I sat on the bus home, demoralized, thinking that I had just done day one of a four-year prison sentence, and that the best I could hope for was some kind of terrible accident . . . like maybe a sinkhole would just open up and drag me down to the middle of the earth.
And then, just as she got off the bus, some random sophomore stopped and said something really nice to me. I didn’t know her. She just took five seconds and said something nice, and I PROMISE you, I instantly felt better. I sat there trying to work it out in my mind—how something that was conceptually THAT CHEESY could have such a major impact on me. But it did. The fact that she said ONE NICE THING to me changed how I viewed that day, and I kept going at it, faking my way along until I was actually making it. And I still remember it.
So you can do that. It works! Right now, a lot of people are down about their blogs. Why not leave a FRIENDLY COMMENT. It may help you to do #5. 7. Work on your moves
I don’t mean to imply that your moves are not ALL THAT THEY COULD BE, but there’s always room for improvement. 8. Speak for an entire day in a fake accent
It’s really annoying for everyone else, but very fun for you. I once did it for an entire week.
9. Cultivate a completely imaginary relationship with someone famous
Another one I think many of you have covered! Add to your personal happiness index and EXPAND YOUR IMAGINATION with your awesome boyfriend/girlfriend/general buddy. (Note: this does not extend to STALKING said famous person. You are ABOVE that. Your love is so pure, you need never sully it with actual contact. That is why Robert Downey Jr. and I have been so happy for so long, and all my new companions and I are getting off on the right foot.)
10. Do something completely sekrit
Don’t tell anyone. Shhhh.
11. Go into a store and pretend not to know how something works
And I mean something really simple, like a mug or a pillowcase or a stapler. Ask for really detailed explanation. Write it down. It will give the people in the store something to talk about for a while. I did it with a toaster. “Push what? Can I only use bread? Does it just make it hot? And what do you mean crispy? Like, it makes it hard? It makes it hot AND hard?” L.O.L.
12. Spend one week completely offline
But not this month, though. RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, WEBMONKEY.
13. Plan to go somewhere
I’m a big one for travel, which part of the reason why I keep writing books where people go on long, crazy trips. Set yourself a travel goal, and start taking the steps to get there. Get a passport. There’s a good start. Read about the place. Get a map. Maybe start writing to someone who lives there. That’s how many great trips start!
14. Hit the shiny red button
Just do it. Then run.
15. Write to me
I wanted to put one in that was really easy and you could just knock off right away. This was the same philosophy I used with Girl Scout Badges. I was absolutely obsessed with reading about the Girl Scout Badges, which are these little tiny sew-on patches you could get for performing a variety of tasks, and you put them on your sash. I LIKE earning things and collecting them. So I scrutinized the guide for months, trying to single out the easiest badges I could snatch right up. Except that I was such a crap girl scout (I forgot my troop number at the first meeting, for example) that I just left after about three weeks and never got ANY badges.
So I am trying to give you a FREEBIE. It’s maureen@maureenjohnson.com. You’re welcome. 16. Learn to sew on a button
You should know how to do this already. If not, learn.
17. Admit it
Go on. Just ADMIT IT.
18. Try again tomorrow
There you go! 18 achievable things, and you don’t even have to eat PUFFS.
My beloved agent, Daphne Unfeasible, was just in town. She has left her mountain outpost where she controls her empire, Unfeasible Enterprises, and came to the big city to visit me (and some other people, but I like to think she is just here to see ME).
I told Daphne about Blog Ever Day April, and her response was a strange little noise.
“What?” I asked.
“Every day?” she said. “Your blogs are ridiculously long. If you try to write one of those every day for a month, you’ll die. I’ll have to manage your estate. I’d probably have to bury you, too.”
“I have a playlist for my funeral,” I said. “It’s mostly Swedish disco, Belgian techno . . . and the audiobook of “Robert Pattison, Eternally Yours, an Unauthorized Biography”, which isn’t even the real audiobook, it’s just me reading it into my phone, but I think people will like that . . .”
“HOW are you going to blog every day?”
I pointed to my computer confidently.
“You don’t have a plan,” she said, shaking her head. “This is one of those things that you do where you don’t have a plan. This is one of those things where you wind up calling me at 3 in the morning saying you’re fleeing the country and I have to cover for you. I’m not telling your editor that story about you being a werewolf. Not again.”
I held up a reassuring hand. I have a very calming way when she gets like this.
“Of course I have a plan,” I said smoothly. “I would never embark on a 30 day blog-writing spree without a plan. Let me make you a calming tea and I will tell you all about it.”
Now, as it happened, I did not have a plan, but that is not the kind of thing I tell Daphne. And since I am a Professional Writer, I am fully qualified to Make Things Up.
1. WAKE UP EARLY AND OBSERVE THE WORLD
The Professional Blogger is three steps ahead of the curve. Up with the dawn, he or she scours the internet for the Newest Things to talk about. For example, I woke up before ANYONE just to read about how Obama gave the Prime Minister of England some Region 1 DVDs the other day (Region 1cannot be played on most UK DVD players), and now has given the Queen an iPod, but she’s already got one. And then the Queen gave him a picture of herself.
Which is a pretty craptastic round of gift-giving. And I certainly know the pain. I borrowed this whole set of the @#$&ing Wire from Oscar thinking I could play it on my computer, because my computer has this thing where you can switch regions, so I switched regions so I could watch, and then the stupid DVDs had SCRATCHES or SPACE DUST on them or something and I couldn’t play them! So I had to buy the whole thing off of iTunes, which is fine, actually. And my dad got an iPod at the casino that he tried to give to me, but I already have an iPhone, so I said no, thanks. I’m just saying I can RELATE TO CURRENT AFFAIRS.
Start early, and with a positive attitude.
2. TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID ALL DAY
Many times, the best blogs are simply recounts of what has happened during the day.
If I was not blogging today, I would have probably said that I didn’t do anything yesterday. Just a normal day. Some writing. Made some food. Made some calls. Did some stuff online. It was an Indoor Day. I never really moved more than a few feet away from my desk.
But since I am BLOGGING, I have to take things apart a little more and really EXAMINE my actions. For instance, yesterday I: imitated a seagull, screamed prayers in German, climbed out of a window, got faked out by 250 people online as part of a massive April Fools Day extemporaneous joke, accidentally started a nerd dating service for proms and friendship, danced on my stoop for a bunch of schoolchildren (again, not intentional), read a hundred blogs, sang for my agent, made some quinoa, presented to the first chapter of Scarlett Fever to the world, and ate a cupcake.
Listen, Emily Dickenson, one of the greatest poets that America ever produced, didn’t leave her house for years. Sometimes she didn’t even come out of her room, or wouldn’t even open the door to talk to people, preferring instead to TALK REALLY LOUDLY through the door and to send them weird little messages in baskets she lowered from her window. And she was a GENIUS!
Could Emily Dickenson have kept a blog? Hell, yeah, she could have kept a blog. DID she? No. And I sort of think she would have Twittered more. She was a woman who rocked a 140 character limit.
You don’t need to leave your house to be exciting.
3. TALK ABOUT STUFF ON TV
“This is where it will fall down for you,” Daphne said. “You don’t watch enough TV. You haven’t even SEEN Battlestar Galactica, or Lost, or Real Housewives, or . . .”
She listed a bunch of other shows, but I don’t remember what they are, because I don’t actually watch enough television to keep up. I DO watch television, but I tend to watch a lot of television in England, or I just watch hours and hours of Law and Order while I do other things. And I don’t even watch them, I just listen to them on headphones. But I have gotten so good at this that I can actually predict what face Jack McCoy is making without even looking. (When you read Scarlett Fever—IF you read Scarlett Fever—you will see at once that I know my Law and Order backwards and forwards.)
“I saw this show about children in pageants,” I said. “Toddlers and Tiaras. I watched it for research on stage parenting.”
“Once is not enough,” Daphne said. “If you are going to blog TV, you are going to have to watch ALL of the shows.”
But once again, I go back to Emily Dickenson, who ALSO did not watch any TV, but I think she would have been up to this task JUST FINE and would maybe have produced something like this:
This Toddlers and Tiaras show— They show on TLC— It kind of really makes me mad— I throw s^&t—at my tv—
Those moms—and dads—are so messed up— They are screwing up their kids— They’ll all end up—in therapy— Whatever—lol
Demonstrate your awareness of media and events, and people will be impressed.
I could tell from the way she was giving me a cold, dead, fish-eye and was answering notes on her Blackberry that Daphne could see I had the situation well under control. And so I do, having now successfully met the challenge for TWO DAYS!
I hope these tips can help YOU with YOUR BLOGGING!
If you have been around here for a while, you will know that I am more than a little obsessed with the holiday season. I love Cheer. I cannot get enough. Soon, I’ll be opening the MJ Holiday Workshop, as I do every year, to distribute CHEERFUL things, like books and cards.
And in the past, I have often liked to use this special time of year to give out advice. I thought I’d do a little of that today.
It seems now that when I am working a lot, I check in with Facebook once or twice a day, as it is an excellent way of seeing what and how everyone is doing. The other day, I asked people if they had any questions that needed answering. I got many excellent questions. Here are a few of them.
Julia asks: is there a bad reason to leave and never come back?
Well . . . and I’m not saying I have any direct experience with this . . . but say you burned the place down by accident because you were decorating a makeshift disco with hundreds of tea lights and you didn’t know your spray glitter was an accelerant and the whole place went up like Edward Cullen riding a rocket on a sunny day. That’s a really good reason not to come back.
Faith asks: do you accept apprentices of awesome?
Yes.
Tim asks: How should one handle bitchy customers at work?
I have held many jobs in which I dealt with the public. I remember well dealing with bitchy, longwinded, annoying, unfriendly people who have come to take your time and ruin your life. This kind of customer is impossible to dismiss. They don’t care about you, or the other people, or common decency. They’ll scream, they’ll throw money in your face, knock things off shelves. They’ll make twenty people wait in line behind them while they rant and rave and announce that they don’t care. You can never be rude back, sadly, as that just adds fuel to the fire (and see the above questions for where that will get you).
This kind of anti-Cheer behavior must be stopped. I used to employ many methods for doing this. Here is one of my favorites. It never failed me.
Say you work at Target, at the customer service counter. For the last twenty minutes, you have watched a horrible woman screaming about the fact that the store has run out of the Hannah Montana Rockstar Powerdrill and Bake Sets that were advertised in the circular. She has been taking out her wrath on an innocent checkout girl. The checkout girl, reduced to tears, pointed at your counter in defeat. Now it is your turn for punishment. But no. You will not go down quietly. You need to be one step ahead of her. Before she even gets to your desk, run around so that you are standing in front of her on the same side of the counter. Bow low at the waist and pretend to take off a hat.
From this point on, speak entirely in Renaissance Fair speak. Wring your hands together and say something like, “Please, good madam, speak to me that I may absorb the gist of your need!”
This should set her a little off-balance, but she’ll keep rambling on. Whatever she says, just look shocked and exclaim “Most injurious, sweet lady! Most assuredly injurious!” Offer her a chair. If there is no chair, offer your own back as a bench. Say, “Fie on this! Fie, fie! Come. Together we shall investigate this injustice and rectify all that seeks rectification.”
Lead her away. Make sure to keep stopping and bowing and that you always walk a few steps behind. Go to the toy section, but to the wrong aisle. Proceed to take every single toy off the shelf and ask, “Doth this be the object of merriment?” Whenever she looks like she is tiring of you, jump up and down and exclaim, “Curseth my pumpkin head! I have possessed the knowledge all this while! I will bring the bauble henceforth!” Disappear. Come back with a toaster oven.
After an hour or so, when you have exhausted all the objects in the aisle, scream at the top of your lungs and say, “Fair lady! Fair lady! Do you hear the sound of carriage wheels on the road and the steps of a hundred mighty horses? I THINK THE QUEEN IS COMING!” Run out of the store and never come back.
Tobias asks: Maureen, where does one meet cute nerdy gay guys who like to watch Dr. Who and House?
Tobias, everything you need to know—all of the essential skills of attracting the ladies or the mens—can be found in the works of 1990s manboy band, Color Me Badd. Color Me Badd was so bad that they had an extra “d” on their name. What did the “d” stand for? No one knew. That was just one more thing that made Color Me Badd so very badd. These guys were so goodd with the opposite sex that they could have all the consonants they wanted.
Color Me Badd
The theme of every single Color Me Badd song, as far as I can tell, is how much they want to get wit chu. Their hit song “I Want to Sex You Up” is more or less the only textbook you will ever need to learn the Art of Love. They are very on-message. What do they want to do? They want to sex you up. The song never deviates from the theme of sexing you up. We are never left scratching our heads and wondering what is going on. Sexing up is going on.
Lines like “we can do it until we both wake up” and “we can make love until we both drown” made many people think Color Me Badd was a little confused about what “sexing up” was. But that’s the baddness of Color Me Badd—no one knows what they’re talking about, really! You just know that it a). is smooooove and b.) involves really big pants.
I think it could only help you to learn every move and line of this video, get the biggest pants you can find, and head to the nearest con. Slide on up to the debate about who the eleventh Doctor will be, and at the first pause bust into your move. But you will, of course, have changed the lyrics of the song to reflect the occasion, so you will sing something like:
Want to get you in my Tardis Just like that Rose Tyler Show you my big blue police box And my sonic screwdriver
By the time you are done, EVERYONE will be attracted to you. It is merely up to you to select the appropriate nerd.
Kayla asks: I'm trying to compose a short, fun little song for kids....and I'm not for sure what it should be about. Giraffes who love giraffes? penguins? llamas? I just don't know. What do you think? :)
Back when I was an editor, I had an assistant named Cartography Jones (not his real name, but a name I bestowed on him). I spent the majority of my time at work trying to make Carto’s life better, and one of the ways I did this was by hiding pictures of lemurs all over his desk. Dozens and dozens of pictures of lemurs. He would come in in the morning, tired and bleary-eyed, and slowly notice the round, gleaming eyes of a lemur peering from just over his monitor, or just under his mouse, or on the fourth page of a report, or out of an “urgent e-mail of instructions” I had sent him. Sometimes the lemurs were under his mug. Sometimes they were in a book, waiting to be discovered weeks later. Sometimes the lemurs were in his lunch, carefully placed just under the wrapper of his sandwich when he stepped away from his desk. Sometimes he would even go home and find lemurs in his bag, his hat, his laptop. I buried pictures of lemurs deep in actual work files, attached them to spreadsheets, planted them in the conference room . . ..
There are many pictures of lemurs on the internet!
A LEMUR
Because I was his boss, Carto knew that the many, many pictures of lemurs that haunted his every waking moment were important, and good for his personal and professional development. Sure, they made him shaky and screamy and sometimes he would beg for NO MORE LEMURS, but I would just smile and nod and send him more important e-mails, only some of which were full of the moony, crazed faces of lemurs. What I was trying to show him is that sometimes, life gives you lemurs. Now, I know that it sort of follows to say something like, “When life gives you lemurs, you should make lemurade.” But there is no such thing as lemurade, and if there was, it would be disgusting.
The main point is that it is awesome to be someone’s boss because you can send them 2000 pictures of lemurs and there is nothing they can do about it. So stay in school and become a boss!
(You are probably thinking that this means that I want your song to be about lemurs but I would actually like it to be about penguins.)
Ariel asks: How might one go about getting free Starbucks on a daily basis?
I have a plan that will not only get you free Starbucks every day, it will also SPREAD CHEER! Pick a local Starbucks, the busiest one you can find. If it has disaffected, emo staffers, so much the better. Purchase one (1) shiny holiday sweater. If it lights up or has tinkling bells, again, so much the better. Also get one bag of discounted holiday chocolate from the drugstore. Let this get a little melty and misshapen, and then put it in the refrigerator to harden it in its deformed state. Also, if you can, get your hands on a slide whistle.
Now you are ready for action.
Position yourself in the middle of the Starbucks with a large smile on your face. Wish everyone who comes in a happy holiday. Then, when people are least expecting it, break into Jingle Bells. Don’t go for quality—go for Cheer. Use that slide whistle as much as you can. Emulate this sound:
Leave the store abruptly. Come back again 15 minutes later. Stand around for a few minutes, and then sing again. Make it look like you are going for the door, but then pause and come back in. You must build a sense of anxiety in the staff, who are now watching your every move. Make sure you are always smiling. Pass out a round of deformed candy to customers and staff. Do this all day.
While you stand there, try to figure out who runs the place. Avoid the manager. The manager will be looking for the most legitimate way of throwing you out. What you want is the Assistant Manager, the person who has probably been there the longest and hates you the most. Go up to this person and say, as quietly as possible, “One grande eggnog latte and I am gone. Leave it outside in five minutes or I come back with the accordion.”
Coffee is cheap, and one eggnog latte is definitely worth the price of peace. So while the manager is looking through the corporate manual, the Assistant Manager will be brewing you one hot, delicious eggnog latte. Leave at once with it.
Come back the next day. This time, don’t go in. Make periodic passes by the window, holding up your slide whistle happily. Go away. Return, and sit quietly in the corner for an hour or so. Really build things up for your performance. When the Assistant Manager looks over (these are the people who work every day), make a drinking motion with an invisible cup and hold up one finger. You mean, “One eggnog latte.” It would be really effective at this point if you could pull out some stuffed reindeer antlers or some bells.
You may or may not need to sing at this point. Every staff has a different level of tolerance. But within a few days, you should have them to the point where they will simply hand over the eggnog latte the moment you appear. You may have to travel from store to store, but since most Starbucks seem to be located about ten feet away from each other, you can assume word has spread.
But what about after the holidays? you ask. This works even better in July!
Emily asks: what's the best way to tie your shoes?
It is best to hire someone for this task. It is quite dangerous.
Al asks: What happens to socks in the drier?
I answer this and several other pressing questions in Scarlett Fever.
Let’s kick off some CHEER right now. A signed Let it Snow to a random commenter! Please tell me what is going on with you, and if you have any CHEER-related problems that need solving!
Every year around this time, I get loads of notes asking me if I am doing NaNoWriMo. (That’s National Novel Writing Month, if you’ve never heard of it. It’s where people set themselves the task of writing a 50,000 word novel between November 1st and midnight November 30th.)
I usually say that NaNoWriMo is kind of my life. Every day around here looks like NaNoWriMo. This year, however, I am participating rather literally, as I am finishing up a book deadline on almost the same timescale! Since people have also been asking if I have any tricks or clever tools to help them through the experience, I thought I would share a few PROFESSIONAL THOUGHTS to guide you through an intense 30 day writing stint and make it through to the end. Some of this is guesswork, but it's all based on my own experiences.
WEEK 1: THE EFFORT BEGINS
So, you’ve committed! Feels GOOD, doesn’t it? It’s good to set up your chair, your computer, your mug. For me, the real thrill comes from opening a new Scrivener document. I love my writing program, with its wonderful way of splitting up chapters and blacking out everything on the monitor but the work.
And the story is NEW. The words, they come. The world shapes itself out of nowhere! What’s the goal? 12,500 words? 1,785.7 words a day? Ha ha ha. You’ll be done by the time Thanksgiving rolls around. You’ll be sitting there with your pumpkin pie, editing.
Ready to write.
WEEK 2: CONSTANT COMMUNICATION WITH OTHERS ABOUT MY PROCESS WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING
By this point, a week by yourself staring at a computer has become a tiny bit wearing. Motivation! That’s the key! Community! Time to take a moment and open the old IM, see who’s on . . .
Oh, look! EVERYONE is on! Let’s see who’s one Facebook. EVERYONE! Forums? EVERYONE! How incredibly lucky! Time to talk shop!
What is everyone saying? Something about how it’s kind of good to start and go charging out of the barn like a MAD HORSE ON SPEED . . . but now at 10,000 and 12,000 words in, everyone has caught the first glimpse of that vast, unmapped plain called THE MIDDLE OF THE BOOK. All the other writers have the queasy feeling that SOMETHING is supposed to happen between here and the 45,000th word, and that something should be very exciting! (A lot of people have ideas about those last five thousand words. The question is, how to get there?)
Much chatting about the excitement of the journey.
Time for some friendly chat!
WEEK 2.5: GETTING OFFLINE WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING
The conversation has taken on a grim sameness. Everyone has wandered into the sandstorm now, stumbling and coughing his or her way forward, sometimes just 100 words at a time. What is ahead? What is behind? Who knows.
Why is it going so slowly? That’s the question on everyone’s mind. The realization dawns that I must get offline immediately. That is where my words are going! I am BLEEDING MYSELF DRY in chats and e-mails!
Also, will surely kill that person (luv2rite16) who keeps saying how they are sliding through the middle of their book like a warm knife through butter.
Everyone hates luv2rite16.
WEEK 2.7: RESEARCH WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING
It seemed like a good idea to get offline, but how are you supposed to Wikipedia things like the history of French toast if you don’t have a computer? You need FACTS. You need names for your characters, and maps of Sweden, and charts showing the average rainfall in Kansas, and a few pictures of wombats. Back to the internets!
Log on to find luv2rite16 happily reporting that he/she is now on 35,000 words and is clocking in something like 3,500 a day. And this one day? He/she did, like, 7,000!
WEEK 3: THESE NEW POST-ITS WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING
At about the three-quarter mark, as the deadline comes into sight just over the horizon, I typically experience a mental episode which manifests itself in a compulsive need to buy post-it notes.
I own a lot of post-it notes. I own post-it notes of every size, shape, and description. I use post-it notes to leave myself notes on every door, window, and mirror, telling myself that I am NOT ALLOWED TO BUY ANY MORE POST-IT NOTES. But I cannot obey. One time, I tried to reason with myself by saying that I already had fifteen sealed, untouched packages and therefore how could I need MORE? I solved that by ripping them all open. Surely, the holes in the plot can be sealed if I could JUST FIND THE RIGHT SIZE OF POST-IT NOTE TO COVER IT. None of the others, I say, dismissing the hundreds of now-open packages . . . none of those were RIGHT.
So out I go, into darkness, wind, rain, or snow . . . off to my favorite Staples. I linger gleefully in the aisles, touching all of the shiny new things. Which is how I end up with pens, colored paper, binders, markers, highlights, three-hole punches, and index cards. But the precious thing is always the post-it notes.
I lug home my new stash and dump them out on my desk, which I have cleared off just to properly display my new post-it notes. I look at them happily for at least an hour, not wanting to break their pristine plastic covers. I’m happy because I now have the exact item I need to make this story WORK. If only I had gone out and gotten them sooner!
Eventually, I come to grips with the fact that I have to write things on the post-its. It upsets me to defile them, but I purchased them for a reason, and that reason was TO MAKE SOLUTIONS! I busily open the packages and start writing things down.
My quest for post-it notes is relentless.
WEEK 3.3: THESE POST-IT NOTES ARE GOING TO KILL ME
I am now the owner of a manuscript covered in 300 4x6 post-it notes (along with post-its shaped like arrows and lips). The ones at the front of the manuscript seem to have some pretty clever ideas on them, like “move this paragraph to page 16,” not that I can remember WHY I thought this was a good idea. But I’ll do it, because the me that wrote that note is clearly a smarter me than the one I am stuck with now, the one who writes notes that say things like, “make funnier,” or “make shorter,” or just “fix.”
Not to mention the 45 random flags I stuck all over the place which now FLAP IN THE WIND but tell me nothing about what I’m supposed to know about those pages. Oh, I’m sure I had my reasons for putting them there. But those reasons are gone. Gone like the dinosaur, with only little clues about their existence left behind, like a random thigh bone in a tar pit. What did it belong to? How did it die? WHO CAN SAY?
Set manuscript in corner of desk and try not to look at it.
WEEK 3.5: SCRIVENER WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING
I was such a moron to think that post-it notes could solve my problems. What is this, 1983? Why did I turn away from my beloved Scrivener, which gives me everything I need? I have a virtual corkboard to outline the story. I can move chapters around. I can annotate. This program has it ALL!
Technology is the key.
WEEK 3.8: SCRIVENER IS GOING TO KILL ME
Have done nothing for past day and a half but shuffle chapters in the sidebar and change the colors of the cards on my virtual corkboard in an attempt to see the pattern behind it all.
There is no pattern. Whether I label some broken scenes pink and other broken scenes blue, they are still broken.
It is clearly time to go back to the post-it notes. DO I HAVE ENOUGH? Back to the store!
More post-it notes are needed.
WEEK 3.9: SUBCONSCIOUS
Dreamed about being out in a rowboat with luv2rite16. luv2rite16 was rattling off beautiful, perfectly turned phrases about the scenery with seemingly no effort. When luv2rite leans over to gaze into the water and make comments about the nature of ripples and reflections, smacked him/her in head with oar and then beat down until he/she stopped clawing at the side of the boat.
Back at shore, luv2rite is there, working on laptop as if nothing happened.
Woke up in cold sweat.
WEEK 4: THE END IS IN SIGHT
Time to tally up and see what’s left to do!
WEEK 4.1: YOU GOING THE %#$^%# AWAY WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING
Look, just LEAVE ME ALONE. I’m FINE. Just LEAVE THE FOOD BY THE DOOR AND BACK AWAY. I just have 14,835 more words to write. I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY ARE. WEEK 4.6: THE SOUND OF TYPING
Not, you will notice, the sound of things like showering. Or the sound of having a life.
WEEK 4.7: TYPING
That crick in your back? And neck? You embrace it. You have never known a time it was not with you. Also, who needs pants? NOT YOU!
WEEK 4.9: OH MY GOD, THIS JUST MIGHT HAPPEN
You don’t know what it is, exactly, that you’ve created. But you’ve created a lot of it. but that’s a first draft! A pile of who-knows-what! Doesn’t matter as long as there is a pile of it!
WEEK 4.932467
Errr . . . did that . . . was that . . . is that . . . does that say 51,236 words?
Step away from desk. Confused. Look out window.
Go back to desk. Submit.
Ignore the fact that luv2rite16 submitted five days ago.
Now, at this point . . . this is where I would take the shower and get ready to do all of that AGAIN. Not starting over, but going right back to the start. Every month.
I hope this helps! If there are any specific questions you need answered, I will certainly do my best! Leave them below!
(Many of you want to know what I did for Lauren Myracle’s scare-a-thon challenge! I’ll tell you what I did! I got an extension, along with Libba Bray. Libba got one because she was on tour in Europe, and I got one because of the election, so we are likely doing something scary TOGETHER. Video to come!)
_08.jpg)
