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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

HARRY POTTER SECRETS REVEALED!

Guys, you will never guess what happened to me.

I stopped in Starbucks this morning while I was out, and I noticed a woman in the corner. She was wearing what seemed like an obvious disguise—an oversized sweatshirt that said “I love London,” a floppy wool hat, sunglasses, and a fake moustache. At first, I thought I was imagining things. Though she was clearly trying to hide, I could tell it was J.K. Rowling.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Just because you are in England dosn't mean you will see J.K. Rowling. But she has to be SOMEWHERE, doesn't she? And apparently, somewhere happens to be in the Starbucks at the end of the road.

To be honest, I was surprised to see her in this state—disheveled, obviously nervous, sitting around in a Starbucks in the middle of the day with fake facial hair on. I bought an extra coffee and approached her carefully. She started when I came near, but when I set down the coffee and identified myself as a fellow author, she relaxed a little. We authors have an unspoken bond like that. She snatched the coffee and drank it in big, sloppy slurps, then glanced around the room with frightened eyes.

“I can’t take it anymore, mj,” she said. “Do you have any idea what it’s like? Everyone in the entire world wants to know what happens in Harry Potter seven. And you know who knows the answer? Me, my editor, and two other people who set the pages. This morning? A van came around, took my editor away. They say she’s being kept in a volcano until the release. They killed the other two. I heard they fed one of them into a woodchipper, and the other was encased in cement. That's how much keeping this secret is worth. I just escaped this morning. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it in. I won’t last until the 21st.”

I wasn’t sure if any of this was true, but I had to admit, it is a lot of pressure.

“Relax, J.K.,” I said, coming closer. “I am the soul of discretion. Tell me all about it and get it off your mind. What happens in the last book?”

She took off the sunglasses and looked me in the eye.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll tell you. Maybe that’s the only way I can stay sane. But once I tell you, you’ll be in danger, too.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “I have plans to get a stun gun. Lay it on me.”

The following is all 100% true. Please don't spread it around too much, or the book will be ruined for everyone.

DRACO AND NEVILLE

“Let’s start with Draco,” I said. “When we last saw him, he was punking out his job. He couldn’t kill Dumbledore. What was with that?”

“You must know where Draco’s headed,” J.K. said.

“Hell? In a handbasket?”

“Try Paris. Milan. New York. Draco goes into fashion.”

“Fashion?” I repeated.

“Draco has always had an interest in labels. You’ve seen him on Diagon Alley. His eventual goal is to design upscale handbags, sunglasses, and footwear. He does all of the outfits for the final battle between good and evil . . . you know, because no more Hogwarts, no more school uniform. Part of this final battle takes place on the catwalk. Guess who does the outfits for good! Go on! Guess!”

“That guy who does the robes?” I offered.

“Neville,” she said smugly.

“Neville?”

“Yep.”

“Wasn’t Neville almost the Chosen One?”

“Yep.”

“And isn’t Draco the kind of evil Chosen One?”

“Yep. And here’s the exciting part. Their conflicting styles and viewpoints result in a tantalizing dance of fabrics and colors. They eventually team up to form the house of Longbottom and Malfoy.”

“Draco and Neville form a fashion company together? That’s really not what I expected.”

“That’s why I am a record-breaking author,” she said. “I give people the unexpected.”

She adjusted her moustache. I was feeling a bit weird about this news, but she was right. She does deliver the unexpected. I decided to move on to a character from a family I admire deeply—the Weasleys.



Draco hates what you’re wearing.


GINNY

“Ginny’s a robot,” J.K. said offhandedly, eyeing the cakes in the dessert case.

“But she’s Ron’s sister,” I replied with a start.

“Robot.”

“But . . .”

“Ron doesn’t know,” she said with a sigh. “That’s one of the major reveals. Ginny gets attacked, and her arm is blasted off and all of these wires come out. Cho Chang is too. All the girls Harry make out with or like are robots. All those French girls in the fourth book were robots. Every last one of them.”

“But . . . why? And how would Ron not know that his sister was a robot? And how would HARRY not know?”

“They are very sophisticated robots. She was adopted from a robot farm.”

“Did you just say robot farm?”

“I am J.K. Rowling,” she explained. “I can do what I want. Now get me a muffin.”

RON

I returned with two muffins. I let J.K. choose which one she wanted, because I wanted to get her in the right mood for my personal big question.

“Ron’s my favorite,” I confessed, giggling and going all pink.

J.K. looked at me with deep compassion. Or dislike. It was hard to tell.

“Then you won’t like what I’m about to tell you,” she said, clawing at the lemon poppy seed muffin.

I gripped the table.

“Please,” I begged. “Please, don’t tell me you killed Ron. That’s my worst Harry Potter nightmare.”

“I didn’t need to.”

“What does that mean?” I gasped.

“There is no Ron.”

I stared at her. She didn’t blink. For like two minutes. I began to wonder if J.K. was entirely human.

“Ron was all a dream,” she said.

I didn’t reply.

“It was obvious,” she went on. “The first person Harry meets. The one person no one else seems to see or talk to . . .”

“Everyone talks to Ron!”

“In Harry’s mind.”

“Ron is there,” I said firmly. “He drives the flying car into the Whomping Willow. He gets taken to the bottom of the lake in The Goblet of Fire and Harry has to rescue him. He becomes the Quidditch Keeper.”

“It’s all in Harry’s head.”

“You’re making this into a poor man’s version of A Beautiful Mind. And the ‘it was all a dream’ device is the worst ending ever! It doesn’t even make sense!”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t hear you over my millions and millions of fans. What were you saying?”

I cleared my throat, and she devoured her muffin in three bites.

“Let’s move on,” I said.

“Let’s,” she said.



Just a dream. A beautiful dream.


HERMOINE

“Well, then,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “What are you going to tell me about Hermione? You’ve covered robots and dreams, so what is she? A hologram?”

“Don’t be stupid,” J.K. said. “The fans would never buy that. Hermione is a normal girl.”

“So . . .”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know.”

“Surprise me.”

“What, are you dumb?” she asked.

I refused to answer this question. She finally smiled a bit.

“She’s . . . Harry’s . . . sister.”

“You mean . . . like Luke and Leia in Star Wars?”

“What’s Star Wars?” she asked.

“Star Wars!”

“I don’t watch much television. What is that? A reality show? Like American Idol?”

“It’s a movie!” I exclaimed. “A very famous movie. Darth Vader, the Dark Side, the Death Star, may the Force be with you? Is any of this sounding familiar?”

“Vaguely,” she said. “Is this one where, if you get the monsters wet, they multiply? All those little monsters with the cute names . . . Gizmo, Frodo, Bilbo. So they have to go back in time in a 1980s car to get rid of them?”

“That was Gremlins,” I said. “And the Lord of the Rings, and Back the Future. I’m talking about Star Wars. Does the word Jedi mean nothing to you?”

“Is it a kind of cheese?”

“Look,” I said. “Luke is the hero, and Leia is the heroine, and you eventually find out that they are brother and sister after they fight side by side against evil over the course of several stories. And there is a third member of the group, a kind of funny, unlikely hero called Han, not unlike Ron.”

“Completely different.”

“No it isn’t! And Star Wars might be the only thing more famous than Harry Potter!”

For the first time, there was a flicker of concern. Then she swung her arm wide and knocked my muffin to the floor.

“Looks like someone needs a new snack,” she said.

I grumbled and went to the counter for a new muffin. While I was up there, I heard frantic scribbling behind me.

“Like I was saying,” she said, brushing eraser scratchings off the page, “that’s so derivative. Hermione ends up with Ron.”

“You mean like Leia and Han.”

“Who wrote this War Stars, anyway?” she snapped. “And which one of us is getting their own theme park? Hmmm? I rest my case. Next question.”


Somehow related to someone, or possibly dating someone. No matter what, Obi Wan is her only hope.


HARRY

“We’ve reached the big one,” I said. “And I can barely wait to hear what you have to say about this.”

“Oh, right,” she said with a yawn. “Harry, right?”

“Right.”

“People seem so hung up on him,” she said. “I never understood why.”

“Maybe because you called the books HARRY POTTER.”

She nodded thoughtfully, as though she had never considered this before.

“So . . . what’s the story. Does he die or doesn’t he?”

She stirred her coffee for what felt like ages, until I “accidentally” kicked her under the table.

“Oh, sorry . . .” she said. “I was miles away. You were asking about Harry, right?”

“Yes . . .”

“And you wanted to know whether what? Whether he dies or not?”

“Yes . . .”

“Well, I have no idea.”

“What?”

“Harry’s not in the seventh book.”

I had to get up and go to the bathroom and put my head in the sink for a moment. When I came back, I caught the last sight of my muffin being hastily shoved into J.K.’s mouth.

“They cleared the table,” she lied, coughing out crumbs. “And your muffin . . .”

“Whatever.” I sat down and folded my hands on top of the table. “So, tell me. What possessed you to leave Harry out of the seventh book, and where might he have gone?”

“I’m so bored of him,” she said, slumping petulantly. “So I sent him off to do a year abroad. In Spain.”

“Spain.”

“Yes,” she replied. “He’s in Spain.”

“And presumably, since Ron is apparently a figure of Harry’s imagination, he’s not in it either.”

“No.”

“So who is in it?”

“The seventh book,” she said, “is mostly about Kevin Whitby.”

“Who is Kevin Whitby?”

“You know. Kevin Whitby. The last student to be sorted by the sorting hat in book four. He’s a bit of a mysterious one.”

“By mysterious, do you mean ‘not really in the books at all except for that one mention one time.’ Is that what you mean?”

“Do you have any idea what it’s like?” she asked. “That stupid name is all I’ve heard for the last ten years—and it took me seven years before that to write the first book. I am so sick of Harry Potter. So from now on, it’s all about Kevin Whitby.”

“Does Kevin Whitby have an exciting past involving Voldemort? A scar? A destiny?”

“No. He’s just looking for a girlfriend who isn’t a robot.”

“I see.”

We fell into an uncomfortable silence.

“I’m going to go,” I finally said.

“That’s probably for the best,” she replied. “You won’t tell anyone what I’ve told you, will you?”

“Never,” I said. “My lips are sealed until the 21st.”

When I last saw her, J.K. Rowling was running down the street, cutting in and out of traffic, and flipping off the cars that honked at her. I wasn’t sure whether or not I should reveal the contents of our conversation, but in the end, I decided that you had to know, just so you could brush up on your Kevin Whitby trivia.

You guys can keep a secret, right?

Labels: ,

72 Comments:

Anonymous kiersten said...

ron is a figment of harry's imagination?!?!?! NO!!!!!!!!!!! well that means that hermoine's not really dating him. so that means... YES! RONI S M
INE AT LAST! i saw the order of the pheonix last night. so good. but so different from the book! they left out so much and changed a lot too. my cousin almost killed me because the whole time i was like THAT DIDNT HAPPEN IN THE BOKK!!!!!!! DIE EVIL DIRECTORS WHO CHANGE THINGS! AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE OUT FIRENZE? NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW HOW TO SAY HIS NAME!

8:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bloody brilliant!

9:07 PM  
Anonymous Liz said...

Kiersten--They seriously left out Firenze?! I'm SO not seeing it now! Or maybe I WILL see it and take many a pair of shoes to throw at the screen...And I'll fight you for Ron.

Anyway, love the HP7 secrets. Totally the best spoilers yet. :-y

9:20 PM  
Anonymous kiersten said...

never! ron is so my fictional boyfriend! you cant have him! :-P
you should still see it though. it was the best movie out of all of them if you didnt read the book right before seeing the movie so you know every single difference. (like me) there are centaurs in it for about 5 seconds. but other than that nothing. i still cant say fireze. you should take shoes to throw. i tried popcorn but got distracted and just wound up throwing it at my cousin. i mean, i had to retaliate back at her.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous kiersten said...

anyone know where i can find griffindor colored scarves and ties by the 20th? other than online? my friend stole mine from the last midnight harry potter party so now i dont have it for this one. *tear*

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Daphne Unfeasible said...

*brushes up on her Kevin Whitby trivia* I wonder if the name Whitby is a casual aside to vampire lore? You know, of course, that Whitby is the town in England where Dracula's ship first arrived from Transylvania. I wonder if this is J.K.'s way of telling us the last book has a lot more vampires in it? Everyone loves vampires!

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Jas said...

My friend Kat will be heartbroken to hear that Ron's not real. She loves him. On the other hand, I always suspected there was something fruity... I mean, fishy, going on with Neville and Draco. I hope Harry's having fun in Spain.
I wonder what Le... Hermione is going to do without her brother and the figment of his imagination that is her boyfriend.
Why didn't you ask about Snape? Does Kevin Whitby become his favorite student since Draco flounced off with Neville? Oh, right, he's not teaching anymore. 'Cause he did that... thing. The BAD THING that may or may not have actually been bad.
Sorry kiersten, I have no idea where to find a scarf. I've never actually dressed up like anything from Harry Potter. I was an LOTR elf for Halloween one year, but the last HP opening I went to, I wore a shirt with a Geisha on it. No, I wasn't confused, and yes, it was way before Memoirs came out (I hadn't even heard of the book then, and the movie wasn't even in production).
Sorry, rambling.
Anyways, the fembots should be interesting.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my friend suggested hot topic. they do have a lot of movie-esque stuff in there. but. i dont know.

12:43 AM  
Anonymous kiersten said...

oops. that was from me.

12:44 AM  
Blogger La Reina said...

J.K. Rowling steals muffins.

Abso-frickin-lutely HEElarious.

1:47 AM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Haha.. that kinda made me laugh. Imagine if J.K.R. really WAS that, er, loopy. But I'm still sad, I'm going through HP withdrawal from seeing the movie this morning :(. I miss every1! ahhh. Has any1 seen it? I LOVE it! Plus all the guys cut their hair (yes! finally!) and all look way hott. I've always been a Ron love, meself and he is.. at his peak in this movie yea! Haha ;P

3:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i liked his hair much better in gof. i like him w/ long hair. harry is better with short hair though.

3:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wait you were serious about the theme park thing?!?!?! i thought you were kidding! but its going to be in orlando in 2009? so cool!

3:56 AM  
Anonymous kiersten said...

want to know yet anoth reason to love ron (rupert grint)? while Hermione (emma watson) wants to go to college after harry potter, rupert bought an ice cream truck which "was an option for the future should his acting career fail." gotta love him.

4:02 AM  
Anonymous tess said...

I laughed harder than I have ever laughed EVER reading that.

4:04 AM  
Anonymous tess said...

And I will fight all of you for Ron.

4:06 AM  
Anonymous sarai said...

Y'all can have Ron AND Harry. I've had a crush on the guy who played Oliver Woods since the first movie! But if he's busy, there's always the twins.... Sigh.

Time for another bleeping cold shower.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Jez said...

Don't worry MJ, I can keep a secret as well as you can ;)

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Dawn said...

Daphne Unfeasible is right. Everyone loves vampires. Or at least I know I do, and I certainly count for a lot of votes. Thanks for revealing all of this information to us, even though you might be putting yourself in more danger because of it! We've got your back, Maureen.

7:44 AM  
Anonymous Gabrielle said...

Delicious. You're brilliant.

I'm a little sad that I know all the spoilers now. I just read without being able to tear my gaze off my computer screen. It's addictive, you know? I feel so guilty.
Draco in fashion... He did always look a little gay. Sorry, couldn't resist. But Neville doesn't really have good taste. But you see all kinds of weird stuff in fashion.
I always was rather intrigued by Kevin Whitby. Hm. The seventh book looks even more interesting. I won't have another thought about Harry Potter.

This definitely is way cooler than the time you and Scott Westerfeld tried to steal a helicopter. :D

8:43 AM  
Blogger Tobias said...

Maureen, you are the best.

Since everybody here seems to be in the possession of a second X-chromosome I guess I don't have to fight over Hermoine? Good!

About the vampires; maybe buffy can make an appearance. And in that case I'll dump Hermoine for her.

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I completely and totally believe you. Completely. Oh. And totally.

And Kevin W. rocks.

Kelsey (Sharing the K and E with Kevin.)

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Nuwon Wearspants said...

Gah, Harry was such a loser anyway. I always thought it was about Kevin. He was the hot one, anyway. And you know? I bet that Snape killed Dumbledore because Dumbledore wanted in on Malfoy's new fashion designs. He wanted the new pink-and-yellow pointy wizards hat, made exclusively from Chinchilla fur. And Snape was like, "No way girlfriend! That hat is mine!"

That's what really happened.

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehehehe...oh ow ow cramps...hehehe...

7:54 PM  
Anonymous kiersten said...

what about Luna? you didnt ask about Luna Lovegood? shes one of my faves. Her and Tonks (who sadley got pretty much no time in the movie) other than ron of curse. hes the best.

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Amy-la said...

omg!! as i was reading this, i was running to my sister and telling her this! we were both laughing so hard!

P.S. i dont remember Kevin Whitby!

9:37 PM  
Anonymous Amy-la said...

yall can have harry, ron, and oliver wood! i like malfoy

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Liss said...

Lmao when i finally am able nto read that book when i'm in b.c. i will be laughing the entire time trying to convince my cousins that the plot maureen has shown us is true. mwhahahaha evil cousin torturer!
BTW fred and george rule ALL THE OTHER GUYS!

10:41 PM  
Anonymous Jas said...

My little sister can't wait for the theme park. I found out about it a few weeks back and told her, and she's like "Can we go now?" and I'm like "No," and she's like "Awww..."
Anyways, I meant to ask, have you ever seen her house? I went to Edinburgh a while back and the B&B we stayed at was down the street from it. I swear, the thing was huge. It looked like a castle. I loitered around out front for a bit, but I didn't get a chance to see her.
It's just as well, I suppose. If she'd actually been there, I might have gone all crazy fangirl on her. And getting a restraining order from an author is not on my to-do list.

11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...Aet?

1:26 AM  
Anonymous Juanita said...

I love that Harry isn't in the last book, absolutely perfect.

2:10 AM  
Blogger limeywesty said...

Draco is my favourite character. What all you don't know is that he is addicted to caffine...

3:41 AM  
Anonymous Danica said...

Hmm...after reading the part about Draco, it almost sounds like Scruffy may have paid J.K. a little visit.

4:21 AM  
Blogger The Ninja Faery Princess said...

You. Are. Amazing. I've been reading your blog and it is Bloody. Brilliant. You are incredibly. LOVE FOR YOU AND AWESOMNESS! It's nice to know there's a secret sister I can look up to.
You rock.

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DRACO HATES WHAT YOU'RE WEARING!!

oh lord..

i need a t-shirt that says that. along with the smug picture.

i heart this blog

8:16 AM  
Anonymous IHeartKevinWhitby said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*gasp!*

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This post is fabulous in so many ways...

10:02 AM  
Blogger Ronni said...

Brilliant. Just brilliant. I was giggling the whole time I read it.

6:30 AM  
Blogger Lindsey said...

Just read this, then read out loud to husband, then called sister and read, then posted a link on own blog. Brilliant.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Disco Mermaids said...

This was seriously funny...and picturing her running out in traffic flipping off cars as they honked, just made my day.

Thanks for this!

-Robin

6:47 AM  
Blogger Travis Erwin said...

thakss for the chuckle.

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was really funny!

8:45 PM  
Blogger Little Willow said...

So Ginny's really Vicky from Small Wonder and Ron's that kid on St. Elsewhere?

3:36 AM  
Blogger gtg86 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:38 AM  
Anonymous tropical_blonde said...

Wow! That really is unexpected! but it is what makes JKR so great! LOL SHE STEALS MUFFINS I will try to lure her with a muffin....hmm blueberry or chocolate chip....oh sorry,daydreaming. anyway for those of you who have been to the midnight thing, what do you do there? just get the book? also should i pre order the book? plz keep me updated on these things!

10:23 AM  
Blogger Danielle said...

That was amazing...simply amazing. Thanks for sharing. *wink*

8:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well.....That was interesting. haha. That was good though =]

8:39 PM  
Blogger chris said...

this is all a load of shit, you didnt see jk rowling, and her editor and pagers was bullshit, people stole copies of the book and told all, like she said, shes a fellow author so shed have no problem making all this up

6:09 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

Ahahahahahahahahahahah.

Maureen, you're a genius. There's no way I could have got those secrets out of JKR.

9:01 PM  
Anonymous toni kearney said...

obviously its just a joke ! and its pretty damn funny too :)

7:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahaha. This is sooooo funny!

8:31 AM  
Blogger Brianna said...

Aw, you left out Luna Lovegood. I always liked that character. And she does show up in the book...

3:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

genius

2:03 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

You misspelled “Hermione”! Ten Points from Maureen! ;)

2:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow if u guys really thought this was real... thats kinda stupid. Maybe this chick really did run into J.K Rowling, but do u expect her to tell the secret everyone wants to know to some stranger JUST BECAUSE SHE IS AN AUTHOR TOO. it was clear from the get go that this was all b.s

fo sho.

and liek i said..if it is real and J.k really said that

well that just goes to show she is one funny broad

my kinda gal.

4:54 AM  
Anonymous cep program said...

thank you nice sharing

3:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thats kind of a dumb story

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stupidest story I have ever seen. Who is the author that is with J.K Another figment of imagination?

8:46 PM  
Blogger Zoe : With two dots over the "E" said...

ha ha! This makes me laugh every time. Hi Maureen, I've been reading your blog and I think it is great!

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5:02 AM  
OpenID lalalaamichelle said...

MJ, I love you. :D
This was brilliant. I was gone once she said “I am J.K. Rowling, I can do what I want. Now get me a muffin.”. XD

Although... I hope you're not under the impression that Jo is full of herself. She's got her head on straight, that woman.

5:57 PM  

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