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the key to the golden firebird
vacations from hell
let it snow

Monday, October 29, 2007


What a week, my friends. I am sorry it took me so long to update. I have had not one, but TWO book deadlines, and my father had an operation. So I was trying to finish both Scarlett and Let It Snow while bouncing around between New York and Philadelphia. When it gets like this, I go into Cheese mode.

My father must be feeling better, because I was on the phone with him last night, and he was giving me tips on how to throw lit matches at people. (A hobby of his youth. Obviously, I have never tried this, but the skill may come in handy when the shuffling undead show up at the door.)

It seems in my absence, Justine Larbalestier was advertising the fact that it is ASK MJ month—and questioning my truthfulness! She says I make things up! I don’t want to have to fight Justine (largely because, like Meg Cabot, she can take me). About the questions, though, I have an announcement.

Because I have gotten a little behind in the last two weeks, and because you have written in with such top-notch questions (really, I don’t deserve you), I have decided to extend ASK MJ month for THE REST OF THE YEAR! One caveat . . . after Thanksgiving, I shift into Holiday Cheer mode and will pay special attention to Cheer-related questions. I did this last year, so I know that some of you are bursting with things you need to know about Cheer.

So, expect that I will be moving over to that mode in a few weeks. That is also when I will open the MJ Holiday Signing Workshop, which this year will feature cards from the Hopewell Hotel, the home of Suite Scarlett!

Okay. Enough of that. I have news to tell you. So, the other night, my phone started to ring and ring and ring and ring. It was Oscar, desperately trying to reach me.

“You will never guess who just showed up,” he said, when I finally answered.

“If it’s J.K. Rowling,” I replied, “toss a snack out, and when she runs for it, slam it and bolt the door.”

“It’s not J.K. Rowling,” he said, “although I did catch her out in the garden the other day, letting the air out of my neighbor’s bicycle tires.”

(Except he is British, so I guess he said tyres. Why do they persist with their strange spelling habits? They are a lovable but insane people.)

“Then who is it?” I asked.

“Free Monkey’s cousins.”

Well . . . by Ana Matronic’s sainted brassiere, you could have knocked me down. I had no idea Free Monkey had cousins! He never mentioned it.

For those of you who are wondering (quite reasonably, in my opinion) where Free Monkey has been . . . he’s still in the UK office. As I mentioned before, he got lost in transit twice during his tour, so I told him to stay put until I got there in a few weeks. He’s been drinking tea, watching Doctor Who and self-improvement shows, and working on his memoirs. And I guess he must have called his cousins or something, because two of them showed up, little bags in hand.

They are smaller than he is—they are the WEE FREE MONKEYS.

Oscar quickly took this picture of them. Either he was so excited that his hand started to shake, or he took it with his phone . . . in either case, it’s a little out of focus. But here they all are. Obviously, when I get over to England at the end of the week, I will tell you all about the new members of the family.

Free Monkey and his cousins, the WEE FREE MONKEYS, relaxing in the UK office.

I have dozens of questions piled up, all awaiting answers. I can only answer a few at a time, but now I have all year to keep taking them in and plugging away. In this last batch, I discovered that some of you are in trouble. That is UNACCEPTABLE! Let’s get to work!


hannah said...
Hey Maureen. I have a question for you, and while I wish it could be a silly happy one, I'm all out of silly at the moment.
So my question is this. I just found out my parents are getting divorced. I'm...upset, to put it lightly. Unfortunately I've been sick for the past...well, since I was five really, but REALLY sick for the past three years, and when you're sick your "friends" tend to show their true colors. So basically I have none. Right now I just need to STOP THINKING. I went to the bookstore today and got a new book, but I already finished it. I need distraction! Here are the rules: I can't leave the house because A) I'm too weak from my cardiac condition and B) I have a head cold, because why do things halfway, right? So any suggestions? Books, movies, people to tazer....?

Thanks Maureen, and tell Free Monkey hello.


Helpless Hannah

Hannah, this is a tough one. I told Free Monkey (and, I suppose, the Wee Free Monkeys) of your plight. He said there are no easy answers to any of this . . . but there are options and good points!

The truth is, sometimes life hands you absolute garbage. It does so unapologetically. It shows up with a bunch of TOTAL CRAP and just gives it to you, all smiles and city manners, and says, “Enjoy!” The good news is . . . many of the absolute coolest people throughout history are people who had a lot of overcome, people who got special delivery after special delivery of crap. These people get really, really good at dealing with crap and turning it into good things.

Here’s a story I like, that may feel kind of relevant. I may have mentioned this before, but I love the band Belle and Sebastian. Their lead singer/founder is a guy named Stuart Murdoch. He suffered from a disease called chronic fatigue syndrome, and wasn’t able to do anything for SEVEN YEARS. He was alone for a long time, because he couldn’t even get up, couldn’t really socialize or work or go to school. So while he was stuck in bed, he dreamt up some songs—and now, he is AN INTERNATIONAL ROCK STAR.

There are tons of stories like that.

But, I’m guessing you are thinking, “Yes, MJ, that is all well and good that you are suggesting that I, too, will become an International Rock Star when I’m 90, but what about now? What about some practical solutions?”

I hear you.

The really, really, really good news is that you have something that is relatively new in the world . . . namely, the power of the internets. Do not dismiss the power of the internets! For all the crap that is also on the internets, there is also quality. There is also a world full of friends to be made—an actual world full. This means, for example, that you could start a blog about how to deal with CRAP! Or you could make a friend in another country and start to try to learn a foreign language. You could be QUEEN of something wonderful. This is the power I would tap into.

And Free Monkey says that he is totally your friend. Once you’ve made friends with Free Monkey, you are golden.

anonymous said...
Where is my Ipod? I lost it on Friday.

Here. Simply substitute the word “iPod” for “Indian drum.” Have you looked above you to see if there is a guy in pajamas leaning out of a window? I always do this, and it is very effective.


shausto-la said...
umm.. mj? whats your blood type?
just curious.

Shausto-la, I would be lying if I said that this question didn’t make me a tiny, tiny bit nervous. (Or, since you are clearly from the tribe of Westerfeld, I would say that it is nervous-making.) I don’t want to start making assumptions about people who may be of the pointy-toothed, invisible-in-mirrors persuasion, but . . .

However! My blood type is no secret. It is O, negative. You have to say it really sad like that. We Oh Nos (as we call ourselves) are universal donors, which means that in a pinch, anyone can have our blood.

You shouldn’t take that as any kind of invitation, though.

beckalicious said...
what are you going to be for halloween!?!

I think I will be doing that classic, “Writer on a deadline, stuffing candy in her face in front of the computer.” Which means that I may end up hanging out of a window by my fingertips. Which may also mean that I have the iPod asked about above.

lacey said...
If you were (hypothetically speaking) a lion tamer, do you think you would be successful at said profession? And would you work in a circus? If so, please specify which circus.

A fine, fine question. For a start, I would not work at a circus, only because many of them have patchy records in their treatment of animals. And if Sigfried and Roy have taught us nothing at all (and they may not have), it’s that our friends the Big Cats don’t necessarily like being in shows. In a hypothetical sense, though, I can tell you I would be totally excellent at this job. I have a natural affinity with cats, which is why I have one as a lawyer. Granted, C. Catso Fangola is a small Siamese who spends much of his time on his back in his favorite chair, but this is because he is in a thinking profession, and that is how he concentrates.

I promise more posting, now that some of the pressure is off. (It’s not quite off yet, but it is getting there.) Keep them coming! The ASK MJ office is OPEN. And naturally, this week, I am looking forward to some very werewolves questions.

Labels: , , ,


Anonymous emmalou said...

I STILL want to know about the waters of book banning and how the temperature is to you! (must i questionize it to qualify it?) How are the banned seas of books? (I really like the water metaphor. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!)

11:57 PM  
Anonymous Shausto-la said...

Did you hear about J.K Rowling being list of 100 Top Living Geniuses?
Really makes you think twice about all those visits she made to you in the past..

12:13 AM  
Blogger ozjazza said...

E. Lockhart thinks you're a fibber too. I am not alone in this assessment of your character. But we enjoy your lies so it's okay. Keep lying!


12:49 AM  
Anonymous Jessica-ca-ca said...

What is your stance on marsupials? I, for one, have a severly irrational fear of them. I mean, come on: pouches?

1:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I like to write. But sometimes I have trouble. And sometimes I think of ideas and think later, "That was stupid."
What do you do when you have those moments?

I have some writer friends, but not like you do. At my school we have a writer's club. It's really awesome.
How did you meet John Green, and Lockhart and everyone?

1:21 AM  
Anonymous nuwon wearspants said...

If you could meet any author in the entire world, who would it be and why?

Also: If you met a talking dolphin, and he was pretty but only one man could control him - and you understood the dolphin, but couldn't control him - and that one man was a hobo with a bottle of Lysol for a hand, would you befriend him?

1:23 AM  
Anonymous reese said...

NO WAIT! I HAVE MORE!!! It has come to my attention by the book club people at Joseph-Beth in Cincinnati that you refuse to come to our store. That you only do "regional stuff." But Maureen, we NEED you to educate the people in ways of good literature. We need you in Cincinnati! Why won't you come to save us?

2:03 AM  
Anonymous Becky said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you soooo much for asking and answering in response to my comment... I have two more questions for you.

1. I'm assuming you're a Joss fan since you like Buffy. Have you seen any Firefly episodes? If so, can you tell me where to find them? I've been dying to see some more.

2. I was just in a show, and our cast was just so unbelievably close... It was amazing. And now the show is over. I'm majorly depressed. How can I get over my post-show depression?

2:23 AM  
Anonymous jas said...

Ooooh! Werewolves! I love werewolves--I'm trying desperately to write a story involving them... as well as witches, vampires, fairies, and berserkers. And maybe cat-people. Or tiger ladies.
So my question today is for Free Monkey--what is your favorite episode of Doctor Who? And, as a supplement, do you prefer the older series or the new run? I really liked the one about Abbadon. Now I want to watch the second part. It was especially awesome because the music sounded a lot like the music from Firefly (which becky mentioned above--amazon.com has the DVD if you're interested). Joss Whedon is made of awesome, and so are his shows. I love Firefly, moreso than I love werewolves (although it is pretty close). I also love the Tenth Doctor. His pinstripes hold a special place in my heart.
I hope you aren't permanently stuck in Cheese mode. I like cheese, but one can only stand so much.

3:24 AM  
Anonymous phases of the moon said...

i love werewolves!
maybe that is an omen you should join the Lobby for More Awesome Werewolf Books. and write a werewolf book. and make all your cool friends write awesome werewolf books.

also, click my name and spread the word! ***Assuming, that is that you have completed Scott Westerfled's Midnighters series. or else there are enormous spoilers.****
Chasing Midnight Werewolves are the Best Werewolves!

my friend's phone was doing that the other day, except she tried to type Thanks and it wrote Thanksgiving. which is ironic, because, as a vegan, she rarely discusses eating turkeys.

i am beginning to feel the holiday Cheer. or halloween Cheer, at least, which involves far more skulls and candy.

3:52 AM  
Anonymous phases of the moon said...

ah, like jas, i obsessively watch the new doctor who. i am partial to the Ninth Doctor, however, as he is the one i came in on.

the phrase, Are you my mummy? pronounced in a british accent STILL gives me chills, nearly three years later.

3:55 AM  
Anonymous phases of the moon said...

oh dear, the linkage is failing me. let's try again.

well, there might as well be a point to this post.

my favorite werewolf-related song is Yellow Sun by the Racontuers. listen to this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnWLVIQuctk) and deny the lycanthropic undertones.

The Raconteurs are one of my favorite bands. partially because they have 13 letters in thier name. and French-ness. also, the aforementioned song uses the lyric "my actions are dictated by the phase of the moon".
you know that's awesome.

4:01 AM  
Blogger Allie Beckaliciousness =) said...

gahhh you didnt answer my wicked good question that like 3 people backed up. i'll try this again.

WHAT WAS IN THE THIRTEENTH ENVELOPE!??! WHAT DID IT SAY!?!? i will go crazy. but i understand if you cannot tell me for you may ruin the whole story for the world. BUT PLEASE. PLEAAASEEE.

=) thanks.

4:09 AM  
Anonymous the tundra is cold said...

Did you read Blood and Chocolate? Were you DISGUSTED by the book to movie translation? I was. I mean, I was go to bathroom and throw up disgusted

5:05 AM  
Blogger Kristi said...

Hurray, Belle and Sebastian and Kids in the Hall, all in one blog post! Two of my faves.

6:31 AM  
Anonymous Marlena said...

Hey Maureen!

Have you ever done NaNoWriMo? What advice do you have for me to not go insane? 'Cause I'm already halfway there and I'd really like to not go crazy in the straitjacket, curled-up-in-a-ball whimpering over my computer way. Plus my mom is already frightened of the idea of this much writing.
Love, Marlena

6:53 AM  
Anonymous ani said...

Dear Maureen,
My predictive text does not know the word "werewolves." Or "burrito" for that matter. It does know "zombies" however, and also claims that "zombier" is a word. What do you make of this?

8:57 AM  
Anonymous Yin said...

FINE. You asked for werewolves, I'll give you werewolves.

Zombies? Werewolves? Zombie werewolves? Werewolf zombies? WHICH OF THESE FOUR WOULD LOOK RLY RLY AWESOME AS A CUSTOMISED VESPA AND WHY? Answer in 50 words or less!

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Shana said...

Hi Maureen,

This is unrelated to your current blog post, but I work at Court TV, and I just received our monthly newsletter (okay, it was posted on the backdoor of a bathroom stall) and it said that in November on the show HOLLYWOOD HEAT, they will be doing an exclusive interview with the people who play the dead bodies on LAW AND ORDER. A behind the scenes expose on what it's like to play dead!

No idea when it will air, but if I find out, I'll let you know. I'm just a lowly freelance graphic person who gets the company gossip via bathroom doors. So I'm often out of the loop.


5:35 PM  
Anonymous Shausto-la said...

oh, so theres this big debate on this other site, so I just have to ask you:
Which is more awesome?
Edward Cullen or Jacob Black?

11:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

shuasto-lo: your comment just made my pulse race while trying to answer that. now i have to block it from my mind. don't EVER ask that again. my mind just literally blew up.

now for my question: while riding along in your new pink vespa, you see a zombie and werewolf planning to take over the world. you take out your trusty pink tazer (that matches your vespa perfectly) and are dismayed to find that it only has 1 taze left. who do you taze?

also, i love your dad for teaching you how to throw a lit match. will you teach us,the faithful readers of your blog, how to do that? please?

3rd of all, do you like the beatles? becuase i just didcovered their awesomeness, and i am in love.

i'm actually done now.

2:00 AM  
Anonymous phases of the moon said...

hmmm....i think i may be part of the problem, because i HAVE actually used the word "werewolves" in a text message. possibly more than once.

the beatles rock, now and forever.
oh my god, creepy. i just looked down and realized i was wearing a beatles shirt. insane.

please! stop talking about twilight! it makes me rant-eth. and throw things.

here's a real question!
have any of your books taken a complete turn from where they started? i know, they probably all do, because other writers (and personal experience!) has proved that. but were there ever alternate endings? did you cut out a scene of Ginny and Keith fighting zombies? was Devilish originally dominated by a whiny werewolf named Grigori? Was it originally a Silver Firebird?

most useless question ever, possibly, but i'm bored.

2:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't you be Tonks for Hallowe'en? Since you WHERE Wonder Woman for the conference.

4:52 AM  
Anonymous shaylaluna said...

Ok Question:

(Just finished new moon)

which do you hate more werewolves/freaks who own to much pink/moon zombies/ i would ad jk rowling but then (no offense) i love her to much and when she came to visit you it was awesome/oh forot, jellyfish

which do you love most vampires(peeps)/ any of your book characters/anything else

if you answer me ill answer you (for the questtion)

7:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm O-neg also. I'm a librarian so you can trust my blood... you need some ever, I'm there for ya.

7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you more of a Jimmy Stewart or a Cary Grant? (based on your b & w photos which I also love and think you should have more of). I like them both but they are very different alterna personas.

4:20 AM  
Blogger The Overgrown Hobbit said...

Since this is "ask MJ month" (When I first saw it referenced, I thought Spider-man's girlfriend was starting a blog. This is good too. But I digress.) have you heard that 13 Little Blue Envelopes was nominated for the Evergreen Award?

I ask because the gal who used to get to write to the authors and tell them so has retired, and I suddenly wondered whether anyone had taken up that task of hers...

Anyhoo, if you have already got the news, here 'tis again: Go you! (It's a fun booktalk) If you haven't, I can write you a nice letter on Quasi-Official Letterhead (if you like) and (of course) tell the 9 other nominated authors as well.


6:16 AM  
Anonymous Ann N. Ymous said...

Werewolves are basically the greatest. I think it would be quite fun to be a werewolf. Or some other were-animal, like a WOLVERINE or a SABER-TOOTH TIGER! But wolves are pretty cool too. As are werewolves. (Though there might be a chance that vampires are better. But just maybe.)
I was going to be a werewolf for Halloween, but then my friends and I decided to dress up as famous dead writers. I was Jane Austen. My boyfriend was Shakespeare. My best friend was Charlotte Bronte. And my other friend was Mark Twain. It was fun. Maybe I'll be a werewolf next year...
So, would you want to be a werewolf on the off chance that you had the decision to be a werewolf or not?

3:18 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

no zombies or werewolves, but almost as scary, I promise (at least to me).

so I have been thinking about moving out of state for years and years, and have been looking for jobs out of state for almost as long, and I just found out that a job I applied for in Arizona put me on their short list. I am TERRIFIED. I should be excited, and I am, but now that it might actually happen all I can think of is that I like my current job, how nice it is to have different seasons (I live in Maryland) what if my dog doesn't like the desert, what if I don't like the desert, and what am I thinking, moving across the country from everyone I know? One of my sister's friends said that I just need to put on my big girl panties and go, but once I stopped laughing I realized that the voice in my head yelling "it's too scary!" hadn't shut up.

what do I do???

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Zombify said...

have you seen the Zombie Invasion book? it is a guide for the upcoming zombie invasion. THE TRUTH IS COMING OUT!!!! Before long CNN will be announcing the truth. People will flood grocery stores. We must start preparing earlier! (I hope that we can get all the supplies for when the werewolves join in with the zombies)

12:18 AM  
Anonymous Kiersten said...

My copy of 13 Little Blue Envelopes keeps getting lost when i take it back and forth between my mom's and dad's house. They say it's becuase i carry my whole library back and forth so things are bound to get lost. This can't be true because 1) if i crried my whole library it would way about a ton and 2) they're covering for the zombies. (see http://maureenjohnson.blogspot.com/2007/10/truth-about-alligators-vampires-and.html) Any suggestions on how to zombie proof my house/library for the invasion?

4:45 PM  
Blogger The Perilous T said...

Gee, that J.K. Rowling is giving you some real trouble, huh?

And now for the real question.
So, you're walking down the street one day, and everything appears to be normal. Suddenly, a delivery truck swerves to a halt in front of you and a beautiful cakes comes tumbling out. The truck driver (who just happens to be Zac Efron) and the entire High School Musical cast get out of the truck and gape at the cake in shock before asking you to assist them in lifting the thing back into the truck. You oblige, and have successfully placed the ruined cake where it should be when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes come bursting out of the nearest building, screaming that their daughter Suri is choking on an anthrax-spiked bagel. They shove her into your arms and beg for your help, only to be silenced by a white grand piano falling off of the roof of a nearby apartment.
The Cruises are now dead, except for Suri, who's still choking on the poisonous bagel while Zac starts singing a chorus of 'What Time Is It?". What do you do?

9:00 PM  
Blogger Little Willow said...

Good vibes for your father, Maureen.

The Wee Free Monkeys are pretty cute.

4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Maureen,

My question has to do with my pants (um, brotherhood 2.0's pants, not my actual pants.) Anyway, have you been in my pants lately? Because there's a totally awesome scavenger hunt going on, and I was wondering if you're following it, or if you have The Answers. And if you do have The Answers, what would we need to bribe you with to get them?

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's your favorit time of the day anf why?

4:18 AM  
Anonymous Ashley said...

MJ, I just had what I can only call a 'you' moment.
I'm currently writing lesson plans for a ginormous project, and I just told myself: finish this lesson, and you can take a shower.

but instead of finishing the lesson, i am commenting on your blog, further deterring my much-needed shower.

question, do you believe the zombie invasion will just occur, or that a human will cause it, using something nefarious like a Necronomicon?

10:58 AM  
Blogger Tobias said...

first of all: I hope it wasn't the stroopwafels that got Free Monkey lost in the mail (again).

secondly: Have you ever been to that lazerquest-thingy in Guildfords I recommended?

Thirdly: I'm sorry (although that sounds weird) that I haven't read your blog in ages. But since I tore my ankle-ligaments (I tried to do a summersault+half turn while flying over a vault, suffice it to say it didn't work out exactly as I planned), so I've been stuck on bed/couch for the past 5 days (and tomorrow as well) so I finally had a chance to catch up.

4:07 PM  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

Oh my goodness. Love the whole post, but thank you thank you for the Indian Drum link. Madness! I am still giggling. Cheers!

10:59 PM  
Anonymous Faith said...

So we know your opinion on unicorns vs. zombies, and the werewolf fandago has been frankly irritating, but what about the logical next step: THE PINJA DEBATE.

Pirates? Ninjas? Pinjas?

We eagerly await your answer, MJ the Great and Powerful. (that just sounds better than Oz the Great and Powerful. Plus you would not need a curtain. You would kick ass in your Wonder Woman boots)

ALSO: http://www.frozenreality.co.uk/comic/bunny/

9:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, I realize you're in the process of writing two books and I'm sure you have even more than that on your plate, but can you please let us know your still alive out there somewhere?

6:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is there actualy such a car as a Golden Firebird? Have you seen one? Ridden in one? Or was it several cars combined in your imagination?

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Jessica-ca-ca said...

Where's MJ?

Please tell me the jellyfish didn't get to you.

1:02 AM  
Blogger Rebekah Ruth said...

I'd like to inquire as to how many words, on average, you write per book. For example, how many thousands words were put into the final copy of Devilish (which if my favorite of all your books).

Speaking of Devilish, within it notes how all those talentless stick insects that get wildly famous for "singing" have actually sold their souls to the Devil - so does that mean that Hannah Montana is, actually, the anti-Christ?

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Ally said...

haha niiice^^^

Yes, wheres MJ? Did the zombies attack New York and shes in hiding? That would explain not contacting the outside world.. she needs to send us a message letting us know shes safe.

(Soposed to be doing To Kill A Mockingbird project)

8:24 PM  
Blogger Jez said...

Hey Maureen, guess what I did today! I created a LiveJournal community devoted to you & your books.

9:33 AM  
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