I have enjoyed starting off every post recently with giving away a Scarlett. Today is no exception!
When I last wrote a few days ago, I set a challenge to see if we could do something about the very poor state of the Amazon YA discussion board. At that time, it had eight sorry little discussions, floundering around and going nowhere. Now it has 34! And they’re great! This is what I mean about YA readers . . . you guys know your stuff!
The winner when the clock went off was:
What YA book are you reading right now/have you most recently read and loved?--Christmas gift cards need spending!
This was started by Jocelyn. So, Jocelyn . . . please send me your address, and the third copy of Scarlett will go out the door!
As my final act of 2007 . . . and my way of ringing in 2008 . . . I am giving away my final (as far as I know—unless I am sent some more, but I don’t think I will be) ARC of Suite Scarlett.
Here is the contest. Finish this sentence. “MJ should send me Suite Scarlett because . . .”
Answer it in whatever form you want. Answer it in the comments. Answer it on your own blog. Answer it in a video. Answer it in a piece of fan fiction. Answer it in an e-mail to me. You just need to get the answer to me somehow. If you answer it quietly, to yourself, I will never know. Any form of answer that I can access counts. You just need to tell me about it so I know to look.
If you were left out of the Amazon Challenge . . . mention this! It will give you BONUS POINTS!
Because judging this by myself will kill me, I am going to call a PANEL OF EXPERTS to assist me. They may include . . . . Oscar Gingersnort, my friend J.K. Rowling, Free Monkey, and Several Famous Authors. Know that I WANT to send books to everyone. I WANT to do that. I just have the one left, though, so I am forced to choose. I have tried to mix it up between asking questions, posing challenges, and picking names at random.
Know that I WANT to send books to everyone. I WANT to do that. I just have the one left, though, so I am forced to choose. Know that I look forward to having the real copies of the book to give out, because there will be lots of those!
The deadline for this is Monday, January 6th, 2008, at noon. One week from now!
Today is technically the last day of ASK MJ. But you know . . . ASK MJ will never really be over. I just won’t be answering in every single post. But if you ask me something that I simply must address, I will immediately do so!
I got great questions this time . . . great because they were all about FEAR and DANGER. Two of my favorite topics!
jellybean said... Emergency cheer question! Let's say that a few weeks ago you took a short weekend vacation to the seaside. You were frolicking in the ocean, like a FOOL, when a rogue wave smashed you to the sand, held you under, and gave you a lump the size of a baseball on your hip. You have hidden said lump with only moderate success over the holidays. Now New Year's Eve is coming up, and you are sick of wearing baggy dresses. So you are going to wear an awesome dress that totally shows the still-huge lump. Question: what is your awesome cover story for this lame, lame injury?
Jellybean, have I taught you NOTHING? If I get across one point and no other, I hope it is this one: THE SEA IS OUT TO GET US ALL. I blog about it. I wrote a book about it. And yet, despite my best efforts, many of you still frolic in the gently lapping Waves of Death.
But okay. So you went swimming and were hit by a (*shudder*) rogue wave. Lesson learned . . . HOPEFULLY. You need a cover story. I have one.
That lump is where you keep your hamster. It is a hamster holster. You keep your hamster on your hip because you know Zac Efron breaks into houses and eats unattended hamsters sometimes, and you know that he will know that a lot of people are out tonight and there will be hamsters aplenty to feast on. You are no fool.
anonymous said... Is your New Years going to be as equally festive and cheery as your christmas? I was wanting to warn you that there is a very large possibility that JK will break into your house at exactly midnight and wishing you a frightening new year of jam thievery and "dancing queen"/jelly fish nightmares. I'm not psychic, she just seems like the kind of person to do that. Be afraid...be very afraid.
I needed this image in my head about as much as Zac needs another hamster in his mouth.
bissfullydazed said... You know what? Zac Efron has no business eating hamsters. I almost wish someone would eat HIM, thereby ending High School Musical's plot to collaborate with Wal-Mart and Starbuck's to take over the world. I have two questions. 1. WHEN is Girl at Sea coming out in paperback? and 2. Is there ANY way we can come up with a an incredibly complicated hairbrained scheme in which I stow away with you in the plane on your trip to England? PLEASE?! I HAVE to go!
I agree with you about Zac and the hamster eating. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that he should be eaten himself, though.
As for the other questions . . . I think Girl At Sea comes out in paperback in May. I’m not 100% sure of this, but I think so. It will probably be right around the release of Suite Scarlett. As for number two . . . I am sure we can work something out. I will need protection, after all. J.K. has been leaving little hints at my door that she knows when I am flying to England. Can you fit in a bag? Can you be ready in a week? Are you willing to fight J.K. Rowling?
If you answered yes to those three questions, we should talk.
shausto-la said... aww no i cant post on amazon. *headdesk* but i do have a question. Why in the world is Mario so darn funny looking?? I mean, really. with that funky red cap and blue overalls and HUMUNGO white gloves that he so stole from Mickey Mouse...its actually pretty freaky..
I had absolutely no idea what the answer to this was. But you are lucky, Shausto-la. First, I have video game expert Oscar Gingersnort here (but he is busy making fun of me at the moment). I *also* have Famous Mario Expert Charlieissocoollike.
It was Charlie who answered your question. He said:
1) Mario originally started in 8-Bit and its tricky to make detailed 8-Bit characters. To make sure that the Mario character was recognizable as a person in this very simple form of computer graphics, the people in the character design section of Nintendo obviously tried to emphasize all of his features too make sure that people could tell what he was. This meant Mario was blessed with a big mustache (to show he is male) and then big hands and big feet. Mario's limbs and facial hair have shrunk a bit from his move during his move from 8-Bit to Wii, but his limbs are still kinda large.
2) Mario is a plumber, and is apparently always caught on the job when he is asked to go rescue Princess Peach which is why he is always seen in his plumbing uniform. The gloves are obviously there to protect his hands from the junk people shove down their drains and the dungarees are there because they are just far more practical when doing work. Mario doesn't have time to tighten his belt, Mario has a job to do.
3) The reason that Mario's uniform is bright red and blue comes back to the whole 8-Bit simple graphics thing. If you can remember, Mario has a brother, Luigi. These two brothers do look and sound quite a lot alike so to be able to tell the two apart they had to don uniforms that were strikingly different to each other in terms of color. Also, there weren't really that many colors to pick from in those days so Mario got stuck with the basic ones, which always turn out to be really bright.
4) Mario also chose to dress in red and blue because the world he lives in is primarily green and brown and so he wants to stand out from the background so Princess peach will notice him. This also explains why Luigi hardly ever gets kissed like Mario does at the end of the games because Luigi just kinda blends into the background and peach doesn't really see him.
5) Mario looks kinda odd because he is Italian and as a general rule all Italians are required by law to look kinda funny.
cei cei said... lily i truly feel your pain. my Scarlett card is also taunting me, but she keeps changing what she says. her two fav. things are- 'HAHAHA, You cann't read me til the day AFTER your birthday! Just like Libba Brays The Sweet Far Thing (which came out 12/26)! HAHAHA' or 'Tho there is a small chance of you winning a copie of me early it will not happen, then in may I will be sold out!MAWWHAHAHA!' clearly Scarlett DOES NOT like her potential readers.*sniff sniff*
A lot of you also seem deeply freaked out by Scarlett. There are many reports of her staring at you, talking to you, and controlling you. Rest assured . . . it is only her picture that does this! The real Scarlett would do no such thing. The real Scarlett has enough to deal with . . . like insane hotel guests with dead ferrets, actors on unicycles, handsome boys who burst into flames, hotel rooms with criminal histories, rich boys with dinosaurs, younger sisters with too much power, and a family on the constant verge of disaster. She would tell you that the last thing she wants to do is freak you out. She herself is trying very hard to KEEP CALM.
Also, she won’t be sold out. There will be Scarletts for all. Big boxes of them. Don’t you fret!
2007 has been a big year. I wrote Suite Scarlett, Girl At Sea came out. There was the Bartlesville book banning (to be discussed in a later post soon). I met Free Monkey. In August, I took a train to Georgia with Scott Westerfeld, Justine Larbalestier, Holly and Theo Black, and Cassie Clare and wore a Wonder Woman costume.
There were darker moments too. I think you will all remember the reports in which I was spotted driving around with a baby on my lap. What made it worse, I guess, is that it wasn’t even my baby. Or my car. But at least I have a LICENSE.
Then there was my disastrous rap album, “Free Monkee Playa.” I thought I could rap. I really did. Everyone told me that I was great . . . so great that I should go somewhere else and share my rap with OTHER PEOPLE. Sorry for that.
What does 2008 have in store?
Oh, my friends . . . my dear, dear friends. More, and better. There will be work on Suite Scarlett 2 (already started, actually) and the revealing of the secret project I have been working on in the UK. Suite Scarlett will come out in May . . . and there will be celebrations and a truly awesome contest. Later in the year, Let It Snow will appear.
Plus, I have plans for this site and this blog. PLANS. Plans that involve you. Plans that at this point include more updates, new stuff to help you with book reports . . . and maybe getting an assistant to help me keep it all running. (Note to J.K.: do not even think about applying.)
So, until next time (which won’t be long from now), please get your entries in to get your Scarlett. And have a Happy New Year!
First order of business: let’s give out a SUITE SCARLETT!
In case you are wondering how the winner was chosen, I wrote every name down and put them in a FESTIVE TIN. Then I had my mother, who is a registered nurse and therefore deeply impartial, reach her hand in and draw out a slip of paper. The entire event was witnessed by my lawyer, C. Catso Fangola, who proclaimed it fair and legally sound.
And the winner was . . .
flinn said... You know, I think a copy of the book would instill just the right amount of Christmas Cheer in me.
Flinn! It’s CHEER time! Please send me your address posthaste!
Okay. There are two copies left now. Today’s opportunity to win contains a CHALLENGE!
This is Amazon’s Young Adult Lit forum. It has 8 discussions, and is kind of making me sad. Here’s a great place people could be talking about YA, and seasoned YA readers like you could be giving recommendations! Instead, it’s a weak little thread or two. The only conversation that’s really booming over there is the “IS PHILIP PULLMAN TRYING TO KILL GOD???” one, and frankly, it’s making me tired. So very tired, friends.
So, here’s the plot . . .
Start a discussion on this forum about YA books. If you want it to be about one of mine, that’s great! If you want to talk about what Keith wears under his kilt in 13 Little Blue Envelopes, or how Clio deals with the jellyfish in Girl At Sea, or Jane’s problem with red foods in Devilish, or if you would like to live in a New York hotel like Scarlett . . . do so! I’d love it!
BUT . . . I’m not saying TALK ABOUT ME FOR DAYS ON END! I’m saying . . . talk YA! Talk about great books! Talk about censorship and your thoughts on removing books from school libraries!
The winner of this contest will be the person who can start and continue the most active conversation by noon, New Year’s Eve! (Suite Scarlett also has her own little sad forum, in which one kind person tried to start a conversation. I will also count conversations here.)
Let me answer any anticipated questions about this.
Q: What do you mean by “most active”? A: Literally, the one with the most posts. But that doesn’t mean you should post a topic and then answer yourself 134 times, because Amazon will get mad and maybe even erase the thread. You CAN, however, come back and moderate, answering things that people have written. It is YOUR discussion! Keep your discussion lively! Poke it with a stick!
Q: So, if I talk on someone else’s discussion, won’t I improve their chances of winning? A: Yes, you will. But that might mean they’ll come over and talk on YOURS. And the important thing is . . . you are expressing your views! The YA community is strong, like bull! Talk amongst yourselves! Share your knowledge and views!
Q: Hey, wait. Isn’t it true that you can only post on an Amazon discussion if you or someone who uses your family computer has purchased items from Amazon? A: Um . . . yes. This is the only drawback of this plan, and one I thought long and hard about. I decided to go ahead with it because . . . A.) I think that forum really does need a swift kick. B.) a lot of people have purchased things from Amazon, so lots of people will be able to do this. C.) I have a special plan to help make things right for anyone who is excluded. I am having another contest on New Year’s Eve, and anyone who was left out will get special treatment!
Q: Will you participate in the discussion? A: If I have something to say, then YES! I will check on them regularly to see what, if anything, is going on! Because . . . maybe nothing will happen!
Q: How will you know which discussions have anything to do with this contest? A: I’m counting any that start from this point. There are only eight so far on YA, and one on Suite Scarlett. So it should be pretty easy to see who’s who!
Now, since it is still ASK MJ TWO MONTHS AND A FEW DAYS, let’s get to the questions . . . .
jez said... I've got a plan for you. Okay, buy JK some snacks, say they're for Christmas. Hide them somewhere far away from your house and send her on a Nerdfightery scavenger hunt. Draw it out with as many clues as you can and you won't see her for awhile!
I haven’t seen her since the night of the jam jar. It makes me nervous. And you know what . . . I think it’s more than just the snacks themselves. I think she likes MY snacks in particular. She seems to derive real pleasure from jumping out and scaring me, and then raiding the cabinet. I’m going back to England in a little over a week to go back to work on the Secret Project, and I’m a little nervous about that too . . . since she always seems to know when I fly.
In any case, Jez, I’ll try it . . . but when JK has it out for you, like she seems to have it out for me . . . there isn’t a lot you can do about it.
bria said... how do you get rid of JK? One word Afghanistan. I think you know what i mean
I don’t think this would even do it. You don’t understand . . . this is a woman who chases Alan Rickman in a small plane and lurks on the grounds of his house with infrared specs.
kayli said... So today my brother and I were discussing ridiculous rich people, and I said, "You know, J.K. Rowling owns a dolphin." And then I couldn't remember if that was true or if it was something from your conversations with J.K. (not to imply that those are in any way anything other than the truest truth.)
I did say that. She told me about her dolphin, Fatso, when she snuck up on me on my flight back to New York a few weeks ago. He lives in a tank on her roof. Naturally, I am telling this truth about this. I am always truthy.
lily said... Hi Maureen! Merry day after Christmas! I received my Scarlett card in the mail yesterday. It is awesome. It is sitting on my dresser where it will not be damaged. Scarlett taunts me now though. She says, 'You won't get to read me until May. That's more than 5 months from now. You should try to win a advanced copy from Maureen. Then I will stop talking. NA NA NA NA NA!' Does she always do this?
Um . . . yes. And it is slightly worse when her head is much bigger than yours, as I tried to demonstrate in my video from the other week. I am a little afraid of my huge Scarlett poster. Sometimes . . . at night . . . I think she moves. I am kind of afraid that I will wake up and find her right next to my sleeping face, her eyes level with mine, peeking over the pillow. And then I will turn around and find JK standing on the other side of the bed, holding a jellyfish in a jar and singing “Dancing Queen.”
You are not paranoid if they are really after you, you know.
katie h. said... I forgot to tell you, just for future references, I am a different Katie from the one posting above me whose asking about raising 7 thousand dollars. (Poor you. You could use some cheer!) I am the Katie who told you about all of the fantabulous books I get to buy today. I put an H after my name so I won't seem like a wacko who posts three times in a row.
Katie Holmes! Is that you? How did you get internet access??? Is this your way of asking us for help out of the compound, because I will put together a crack team within the hour!
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS DIRECTLY, Katie! Send us a sign through one of those creepy interviews you do, where you robotically talk about your constant state of joy and how Suri can communicate with dolphins and how Tom bought you your own mountain. Slip in the phrase, “Zac Efron ate my hamster,” and we will know you have received this communication. We will come in the night, when no one is watching. Have Suri ready and in silent mode.
We run the risk, of course, that Zac Efron has actually eaten your hamster and you might bring up this fact in an interview . . . I would if it happened to me . . . and you don’t even know about our offer. Although, I think it is a pretty safe bet that he hasn’t. I mean, why would he? Craft services on “High School Musical 3: The Great Space Coaster” can’t be that bad. Those movies look pretty cheap, but they have to feed the talent, right? Zac can’t be so hungry that he’s busting into seriously guarded houses to eat other people’s hamsters . . .
But, then again, celebrities are not like us. Since they can get everything they want, Zac may do it just for the thrill, like JK does when she breaks into my house and tries to take my jam. I can almost see him now, his little elfin face shining in the moonlight, as he shimmies up the side of your house, breaks through the window of the Rodent Room, grabs the closest hamster he can find and shoves it in his well-formed mouth . . . the tail slipping through that tiny gap in his perfect teeth.
So, we should have a second code that means, “Zac Efron actually did eat my hamster, but I still need rescuing.” If this is the case, please say, “Posh Spice ate my hamster.” Then we will know you are lying. Posh Spice doesn’t eat ANYTHING! If we hear this, we will come and get you AND will we have a new hamster waiting.
If Zac Efron has eaten your hamster, but you do NOT want to be rescued, please say, “Posh Spice ate my hamster, but promptly coughed it back up into a napkin and it is fine.”
Zac Efron: making due with pistachio ice cream until Ben and Jerry’s starts making Chunky Hamster Mash.
I hope to see you on the YA forum. But, as always, you are welcome here! And you still have a few days to get questions in!
I have been looking through your comments today, and I have noticed something distressing. LOOK!
distraught beth said... *Sigh* Yet another loss. I like all the prizes and contest you have, MJ but it gets quite self-deprecating when you keep losing because you're just not quite clever and/or insane enough.
And this:
jk said... oh, see i thought that we were supposed ot be finding like the real meaning of it. but i guess this makes more sense cause i goes with teh book and everything. but ahh this is so sad I called him, i talked to teh guy with the tape dispencer, seriously. i google the post office i called it i talked ot the guy. he told me what it meant!
I was understandably dismayed. This had DECREASED YOUR CHEER! Drastic measures were needed! I dropped what I was doing and went right to cheer control and set everything on MAXIMUM CHEER. I made calls, I poked elves.
And I am pleased to tell you two things!
One, the Holiday Signing Workshop Elves, in response to the poking, produced one more box of Suite Scarlett cards. I will keep sending these until the supply dries up! There aren’t many, but there are some! And they can be yours! Act now! Supplies are limited!
Two . . . and then even better news . . .
I managed to obtain two more advance copies Suite Scarlett. This was a bit tricky, as they are rare creatures. The giveaway starts RIGHT NOW, because the time for giving is upon us! And this contest requires NO CLEVERNESS.
This is how you enter to win COPY NUMBER TWO of Suite Scarlett:
1. Leave a comment. That’s it. I don’t care what it is about! It can be about Cheer, or it can be about why you want to read Suite Scarlett, or it can be about how to get rid of J.K. Rowling. Whatever. No research, no cleverness, no wit required! It doesn’t matter where you live—I ship EVERYWHERE!
2. Okay, you do have to put a name on the comment somewhere, even in the comment itself. I can’t enter “anonymous” into the contest. But that’s not that hard.
3. If you want, send your friends or family along to comment, and if they win, take the book from them! Feel free to stack the odds in your favor!
4. If you want to leave a comment but aren’t interested in being entered to win the book, just say so!
I will pick the winner completely at random the day after Christmas, December 26th, around 3pm.
The next Scarlett could be yours!
Speaking of . . .
anonymous said... im sorry MJ, but i am unmistakably out of Christmas cheer. quesiton: i am having a brain fart and cant remember if you told us when Suite Scarlett is coming out. so, uh, when is it coming out in 2008? 2009 even?
The answer to the question is: MAY 2008. Just a little over four months from now. Basically, when the first little flowers pop their fool heads out of the ground, Scarlett will appear.
From the comments I’ve seen, many of you are suffering deficiencies of CHEER for many reasons. Again, I can’t just sit by and let this happen. So I thought that—since I am now ensconced in the Swiss Family Johnson treehouse, and the SFJT is pretty much the most Cheer-encrusted place I know—I would take you on a little photo tour. The Cheer will seep out of the computer and infect you!
It would be impossible for me to show you all of the holiday decorations around Chez Johnson, because there are simply too many. Quite literally, there is a decoration in every room. This is like one of those White House tours, where you only get to see a tiny, tiny portion of the full workings.
To begin, this is my lawyer, C. Catso Fangola, wearing his Santa hat. Even though he is a member of the Bar Association, C. Catso always takes time out for Cheer.
C. Catso, seen here right after having some delicious wet food.
I have talked little in the past about my mother’s extensive Dickens Village. In fact, I got at least one request for photos of the Village. Ask, and ye shall receive!
I must tell you that the Dickens Christmas Village* is sadly incomplete. There was a furniture change in the room where it is normally set up, so its custom-made table can no longer be used. It is a third of its normal size. It used to be two streets deep with a cathedral and a lake. Most of the houses are packed away in the attic right now, crying quiet little ceramic house tears. If that doesn’t break your heart, then you are made of stone.
Here is an overall shot of the tiny Village:
The Village has two outposts (again, it used to have more). Here is the one that hangs on the wall in a wreath that my mother made for this very purpose. (My mother is really good at making wreaths, and we have a LOT of them. It was for this wreath that we pepper-sprayed ourselves in the infamous squirrel incident.)
The Little Village on the Wall.
The other really important things to note about this photo are the two framed pictures to the left and right of the wreath. Those are needlepoints my mother has made of some of her favorite Dickens Village houses. The small grey lump on the sofa is C. Casto, reading a legal brief as he reclines against a snowman pillow. And that throw on the sofa is an official Dickens Village throw listing the names of popular houses and the years that they were made.
These are what I call the Kreepy Karolers. I dislike the Kreepy Karolers, but my mother insists they bring Cheer. She also says they are highly collectible, which to my mind means that people will collect anything.
This is just one group of Kreepy Karolers. There are others.
Now, let’s move on to the tree, which is really sort of a Cheer antenna. I used my parents’ camera to take some of these next photos, and accidentally downloaded 848 pictures from their trip to Egypt. So since I have them, here is a photo of my mother on a camel. It's kind of like one of those live Nativity scenes!
Watch out. They spit.
In case you didn’t think I was telling the truth before . . . here are the boxes of tinsel my mother had ready and waiting on my arrival. There are TWELVE of them. That is for ONE TREE.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my mother gave to me, twelve boxes of tinsel, eleven Kreepy Karolers, ten Village houses, nine rabid squirrels . . .
Not enough Cheer yet? Let’s keep going! Let’s go to the front room. Here are some of our nutcrackers.
We have others . . . obviously. I mean, this is hardly enough.
I used to get so excited when the nutcrackers came out. I used to use them to make my own version of this board game called “I Vant to Bite Your Finger.” A more CHEERFUL version, where there was no board, and occasionally, I would bite you with a nutcracker. And by you, I mean me, because I am an only child, and these are the kinds of things only children do. We make friends with boxes and old bits of string, we make games with nutcrackers, and we like it!
Speaking of being an only child . . . look! Christmas stockings! Can you guess which one is mine? Can you?
If you look VERY CAREFULLY you may be able to figure out which one belongs to me!
But Cheer is not limited to the inside of the house. Oh no! Nor is it even limited to OUR house!
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this or not, but our next door neighbor—who has lived next to us as long as there has been a me—paved over a lot of his yard about ten years ago and installed 150 cement angels and a ten foot high cross. He constantly rearranges these things. It looks like he has taken down the ten foot high cross (which he used to shine a blue spotlight on—it would cast a huge, cross-shaped shadow that stretched all the way out to the creek that runs behind our houses). There is a smaller one now.
Here is a little peek at what we can see from the window:
There used to be an angel that hung from a bungee cord out of a tree. That was my favorite. But the tree has been taken down to make way for more angels. If it had been there, I could have sung:
Angels we have heard on high Bungee jumping out of trees And the cross lights up the sky I am al-ler-gic to bees
Fa la la la la la La la la la la La la la la
STRICTLY FOR THE NERDFIGHTERS:
If you have come here via Brotherhood2.0 and are waiting for today’s scavenger hunt clue . . . here it is! I have just returned from hiding it. American History Nerdfighters . . . this one is for you.
After I hid the clue, I turned and took this picture—if you can get to where I was standing, you will get today’s clue!
* This Village plays a huge role in my story in “Let in Snow,” the three-story collection I am writing with John Green and Lauren Myracle. If you read it, feel free to come back and look at these pictures to get a visual!
My recent experience on a jury makes me think that if the police ever suspect me of something and they come to me asking for an alibi . . . I could be in trouble. Case in point, last night.
So there I was, sitting with the MJ Holiday Signing Workshop Elves, signing a pile of Suite Scarlett cards and waiting for various members of the Martin family to drop by and sign as well . . . and I got hungry. I remembered that I had purchased a jar of really good jam. I wanted some jam on toast!
The thing about the jam was, I had put it in the fridge. So when I went to get it out and have some, the lid wouldn’t come off. I tried and tried, but it was no good. I ran the thing under warm water, but I could see that was making the jam all runny . . . so I decided it needed a more gentle warming up. Like if I just held it in my hands for a few minutes.
So there I was, hugging my jam jar. As you do.
Now, imagine if I was framed for a crime I didn’t commit, and the police came and asked me what I was doing on the night of the 19th of December. I would have to say, “Why, just sitting on my sofa, officers, hugging a jar of jam.”
They would look at each other, then one would warily ask, “Can anyone back up this story?”
“Oh, the elves can!”
Another look.
“And J.K.Rowling,” I would add.
Did I not mention this? Of course she was there. I HAD JAM. (I swear, she can hear me every time I step into the kitchen.) She must have been lurking out on the fire escape with a glass cutter, because I never even heard her until she was sitting next to me. She even had a spoon.
“Give me the jam or I’ll kill Harry Potter,” she said.
“Too late,” I replied, smugly. “Everyone knows Harry lives. Suck it, Rowling!”
Oh, she didn’t like that. She stewed for a moment.
“Give me the jam or I’ll kill that girl Bella from Twilight!”
“You didn’t write Twilight! You can’t kill Bella!”
“Oh, can’t I?” she said. “I am MAGIC!”
“No you aren’t.”
“Yes I am! I’ll prove it! Accio, jam!”
She made a lunge for the jam, but I was ready for her. I jumped up just in time, hugging the jam close.
“Since you’re here,” I said, “you can help me pick a winner for the Suite Scarlett giveaway.”
“Give me the jam and I’ll think about it.”
“I will share the jam,” I said, “after you help me.”
“Fine,” she grumbled. “But I’ll get that Bella yet. She’s been hitting on Harry, and I don’t like it.” WHAT IS JORGE RODRIGUEZ?
That’s the question that was written across the tape dispenser at the East Village post office. I took a picture of it. This photo, of course, is the basis of the Suite Scarlett challenge. I asked you to explain it. Here it is again:
“What is that thing?” J.K. asked me, studying the photo. “Is it a phone?”
“It’s a tape dispenser.”
“What’s tape?”
“It’s sticky stuff,” I explained. (For all I know, “tape” may be an Americanism. I am willing to give J.K. the benefit of the occasional doubt.) “You use it to stick things together.”
“You mean glue.”
“No. It’s not glue. It’s tape. It comes in a roll. This is a picture of it.”
“What, the phone?”
“It’s not a phone!” I yelled.
J.K. smiled. She likes it when she gets me riled up.
“I’m getting my own amusement park,” she said. “I think I know what tape is. But it’s your book. You figure it out.”
“I’m not giving you any jam unless you help.”
“Peevish girl. Fine. Let me see some of these other questions. I’ll answer them. You talk too much.” JK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS
anonymous said... I know for a fact that I'm going to be getting a whole lot of book store gift certificates for Christmas. I've got a few ideas of what to buy, but not nearly enough to quench the fire that is gift-certificate-mania. Have you read any really great books lately that you'd recommend?
JK replies: I am the top selling author on planet earth and am magic . . . and even I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future! I don’t think you’re going to get a gift certificate at all! I’ll tell you what you’re probably going to get—you’re going to get a turtleneck! Or you may not get anything, because I pretty much own everything! Did you hear about my dolphin? I have a dolphin!
But I’ll play along. You want to buy a book? I assume, of course, that you already have my books. (Everyone does.) Maybe you should buy one of Maureen’s books, so then she’d get some money and stop being so STINGY with her jam. Merry Christmas.
cardiganweather said... I have come to the conclusion thats it's JK Rowlings way of keeping in contact with you. She's leaving clues everywhere, so when you find out what Jorge Rodriguez is , JK will leave another one. All the while, she will be plotting getting away you from your house just so she can break in to try and steal your food. Watch your back. She's coming. Which is scary.
JK says: You’re next, cardiganweather, if that is your real name. Which I don't think it is. Your house of lies will come tumbling down!
anonymous said... Wow! So many questions! I can't speak German or French like apparently every other soul reading this blog can (Spanish, anyone?), but... I'm the 50th comment, so that means something, right? Who's your favorite friend (who is also an author?)
JK says: I am.
reese said... Maureen, My friends think that my current goal is weird. It is a well known fact that gay guys make the BEST friends ever. So my goal is to make a gay italian guy who's two years older than me my best friend. I just haven't found him yet. That is a perfectly good goal to have. What do you think?
JK says: Dumbledore is gay. He will be your friend. Give me jam.
ally said... Do you like cupcakes? Do french fries dipped in ketchup creep you out? Do you like Hershey Kisses?
JK says: 1. YES. 2. THE WORD IS “CHIPS.” 3. YES.
ysa said... I have a cheer related question... Maureen, where are you on the whole candy cane thing. Do those gigantic peppermint sticks that are about an inch long count as candycanes?
JK says: What is wrong with you people? You are food obsessed. But to answer your question . . . yes, they count. (Weren’t all those sweets I invented in the books BRILLIANT? Like the Puking Pastilles? I am more clever than twenty clever people at a clever convention. I should own a sweets company. Maybe I will buy one.)
joanna said... Hullo Maureen, Since you are knowledgeable on all things Christmas-related, I am hoping you can answer a question for me. I recently did a Christmas-themed crostic puzzle. When it asked for a 5-letter word for the clue "Christmas berry", I first thought that it must be "HOLLY"; I quickly realized that those letters were all wrong, though. Upon completing the rest of the puzzle, I found that the answer had to be "TOYON". Toyon?! They never taught me about toyon in Hebrew School! If you have the time, I would greatly appreciate the inside scoop on this mystical Christmas fruit!
JK says: DO YOU NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD? And anyway, everyone knows what a toyon is. So I’m not going to tell you. Happy holidays. MJ adds: I’m sorry. She can be rude.
JK adds some more: Shut up, jam-hoarder. What ever happened to hospitality? If you came to my house, I would give you all the jam you could eat.
MJ adds more on that: I have no intention of going to your house.
JK adds the final word: No one said you would go voluntarily.
THE WINNER
On that note, I handed over the jam. While was eating, I chose the winner of THE VERY FIRST COPY OF SUITE SCARLETT!
I can barely stand it! I’m so excited!
It was a hard choice. But I had to pick someone. I had to. It caused me pain. I agnozied. I asked JK!
So . . . .
*drumroll*
*okay, JK tapping a spoon on the coffee table*
The winner is Karen, who wrote:
karen said... You know, it strikes me as odd that the initials for Jorge Rodriguez are JR. Why? You may be asking this question. Well, MJ, I'll tell you why. In the spoken-phonetic alphabet, JR stands for Juliet & Romeo. Romeo and Juliet may very well be the most famous play ever written by the possibly most famous playwrite in the world, William Shakespeare. If you do not know what this play entails, I suggest you get your butt out of your computer chair and read it. Anyway, for those of you who do not know, Romeo and Juliet entails the story of young but tragically forbidden love. The only conclusion you can draw from this is that Jorge Rodriguez symbolizes young but tragically forbidden love. LOVE I TELL YOU. Hrmm, I guess theatre really did help me in the end.
This is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. And what’s more . . . Suite Scarlett features Shakespeare! Specifically Hamlet! On unicycles!
So, Karen . . . send me your address over e-mail RIGHT AWAY, and the very first copy of Scarlett is yours for consideration.
There will be more in the future! FINAL THOUGHTS FROM JK: Suite Scarlett sounds stupid. Where are the moving staircases? Where are the house elves? I’ll probably read it anyway, because I am exceedingly generous, but I won’t like it. This jam is okay.
FINAL, FINAL THOUGHTS FROM MJ: Please forgive JK’s lack of CHEER. I should tell you that there I do have elves . . . namely, the Holiday Workshop Signing Elves, who have agreed to work for one more night. So if you still want a card, and you write in tonight, you can get one! TERMINAL THOUGHTS FROM JK: Signing Elves aren’t real. I think it’s sad how she makes these things up, don’t you? Oh, and now she’s saying something about how you can keep asking cheer-related questions, whatever that means. I guess she’ll need me to help out with those again, since she’s clearly a little bit on the incompetent side. I mean, look how long she went without posting the other week! I wrote, like, a ZILLION pages of Harry Potter in less time! Still, we cannot all be me.
Anyway. Ho ho ho, etc. Write in if you want. I’ll be here. I think she’s got crackers somewhere. I can smell them.
Hello, friends! I am pretty much falling over dead with Cheer! I hope you are the same!
A quick note of explanation before we go any further, because I have been getting a lot of comments about this . . .
Many of you who watched yesterday’s video will have noticed that I put the Nerdfighter thumbnail in completely the wrong place. It was supposed to go in the middle of the video, but instead, I put it . . . not just in the wrong place . . . but in the wrongest place. The place that makes me look like I think minutes have 100 seconds, not 60.
My excuse: I AM SICK. And I DON’T MAKE VIDEOS OFTEN. And I WAS IN A HURRY. Look, can you imagine how nervous-making it is to be me, sniffling and sneezing and banging around with a video camera and a HUGE book cover . . . all the while knowing that J.K. Rowling could be crawling up your drainpipe to get at the genuine English Christmas cake you bought for your mother? Can you?
Many of you are still going with the “not so bright” theory, I know.
Actually, I have proof that I am not dumb. Just the other day, my friend Charlie made me this medal, which clearly states that I am well-appointed in the brain department.
Proof!
If that isn’t enough for you, you will never be satisfied. Charlie does not lie. Neither do I.
In response to the WHAT’S IN THE BOX challenge in the video . . . Many of you guessed what I WANTED the box to contain, namely, a Vespa, a pink stun gun, or sequin-covered Converses.
Sadly, none of these were true.
What was ACTUALLY in the box was Lil’ Poxy, my adorable stuffed giant syphilis microbe.
Pox in the box
I felt the closest answer was this one:
phases of the moon said... it could also contain a tiny Holiday Elf who was punished for not being cheery enough. as we speak, the elf is crouched in there, dressed all in black and wearing headphones. i sympathize, elf. i been there.
He is kind of crouched in there, so I thought this was close enough. So, phases of the moon, please e-mail me your address and your choice of book right away!
Five people made response videos. VIDEO MAKERS . . . please e-mail me your addresses as well so that I can send you some AWESOME PRIZES as well.
“Wait,” you are saying. “Is that it? No more prizes? I thought you abounded with CHEER?”
I do!
I saved the best for last, friends!
Soon after I recorded that video, my agent, Daphne, brought another box over to my house. And do you know what that contained? YES. It contained advanced uncorrected proofs of SUITE SCARLETT.
Advanced Uncorrected Proofs (or ARCs) are exactly what the name implies—advance copies of the book with some mistakes in them. They go out to reviewers and people in the publishing industry . . . and now ONE can go to YOU! You will be the FIRST PERSON aside from me (and Daphne, and a few other people) to read Suite Scarlett. For reals. It will be signed, and it will be yours.
“How?” you ask. “How can I be the first person to explore the inner workings of the Hopewell Hotel, New York City? How can I be the first to read about the trials and travails of Scarlett, Spencer, Lola, and Marlene? How can I get this highly-collectible, first of the series, limited advance edition. HOW, #&*#@ YOU? HOW?”
I’ll tell you. The book will go to the person who can explain this photo I took today with my iPhone while mailing my Christmas cards at the East Village post office:
What is Jorge Rodriguez? And why is this question on the side of an official USPS tape dispenser?
Put your explanation in the comments by noon, Thursday (that’s noon Eastern U.S. time). At that time, I will select the correct answer, sign the book, and send it to its new owner!
Now, let’s get right to some questions!
balexa said... Hi Maureen! quick question:When will the worker elves be finished and the cheer cards arriving?I can't wait!
The elves are close to breaking point, guys. There have been a lot of card requests. Which is GREAT! Each card is a little bit of Cheer. The biggest batch of cards is going out TOMORROW. So, this is the LAST CHANCE SALOON if you want a signed card! Hurry, hurry!
danica said... My house is being renovated, starting today and going on 'til late January. Consequently, my parents and I are moving in to my Grandma's for Christmas due to lack of bathrooms. Suffice it to say this Christmas will be much different than previous years. What can I do to raise Cheer Levels and just make the day more awesome all 'round?
Danica, let me tell you a story.
The other day, I went to the gym. There is a grocery store next to my gym where frequently stop and buy groceries after working out. This means I am sort of not looking my best. I am looking like I just went to the gym. But John Green was staying at my house and we needed some snacks, so I ventured in, even though I knew it was a dicey proposition since the Silver Sneakers Society had just had their party at the gym while I was there, so all the Silver Sneakers members were filtering out and they all wanted to go to the store as well.
So there I was, clipping through the aisles as quickly as I could—but when I got to the registers, the lines were truly epic. What was I going to do? John Green was STARVING TO DEATH on my sofa, and I needed a shower!
So I turned to the self-checkout line, which are these four computers, two of which are almost always broken, and the remaining two are notorious for getting things wrong. Like, if you buy a box of tea, it screams something embarrassing instead like, “ADULT DIAPERS” or “ONE COPY OF THE O’REILLY FACTOR FOR KIDS.” (Did you know that Fox new anchor Bill O’Reilly has a YA book out? It’s true! You were probably hoping for “Are you there God? It’s me, Ann Coulter” but this will have to do!)
Holiday shopping dilemma: RESOLVED
No one likes the checkout robots because of this, but I was in a jam. The Silver Sneakers had beaten me to the punch. I plunked down my chips and salsa, and the checkout robot immediately started ringing up my headcheese and soap . . . and it did it in a very peevish voice.
See, it doesn’t help that the checkout robot has the voice of a tattletale. A kind of “Nah-nah-ne-boo-boo, I’m telling on you” voice. This, aside from the fact that it broadcasts all the wrong purchases, makes it extremely punchable. I was wondering what the scanner would make of me going all Blade Runner and pounding it into replicant oblivion, when I heard the most beautiful voice . . . the most alluring voice . . . the most seductive voice imaginable . . .
And it was coming from the OTHER checkout robot. In Spanish. I understand only a little Spanish, but that Spanish corresponded to the foods going into the bag. And that voice . . . that voice.
I was kind of falling in love with Spanish checkout robot, but English checkout robot was screaming at me to put my items in the bag, even though I had put my items in the bag, and the Silver Sneakers people were looking at me like I was stealing chips. So the guy with the keys and the magical card had to come over, like he always does, and the Spanish robot fell into silence just as I was falling in LOVE. And it was kind of like Decker in Blader Runner, which I just watched for the first time—except that a lot of people think Decker is also a replicant, whereas I am clearly not a supermarket checkout scanner robot.
Anyway, Danica, I hope this answers your question!
icanhaswurdz? said... I'd love to see a gratuitous photo of Danny Kaye on your blog; he's my favorite member of the International Heartthrobs and definitely cheer-related. :o)
Ican . . . Icanhas . . . I . . .
Wurdz,
I cannot do this because there is no such thing as a gratuitous photo of Danny Kaye. There are only totally legitimate and awesome photos of Danny Kaye! Here’s one from White Christmas . . . and it is sure to bring Cheer!
Awesome.
Okay! Get your explanations and your card requests in. I’m reading and signing and wearing my Santa hat!
Hello, everyone! I have been so caught up in writing, signing holiday cards, and CHEER that I have fallen a bit behind again, but am coming back with a vengeance.
For today, I have made this video, which answers just a few of your many excellent questions. This is part of John and Hank Green’s Project for Awesome—a Youtube-wide invasion to raise money for charity.
The charity I reference here is Citymeals on Wheels. I hope you will pay them a visit!
I will be posting a proper entry within a day. And get your guesses in to win some books!
Also, if you would still like a signed card from me and one of the Suite Scarlett characters . . . there is still time! Barely! The Holiday Signing Workshop is operating at full capacity right now, and will be closing down on Wednesday, or whenever the elves run out of cards! So get your requests in to cheer@maureenjohnsonbooks.com right away!
I am back at my desk, now that my jury service is over. Being on a murder trial is certainly interesting, and sometimes excruciating. It took us a few days of painful deliberation to come to a verdict. I was the jury foreman, and I had to stand up in the court and declare someone guilty of murder. Now that it is over, I can say I feel pretty good about it. I think we did the right thing, even though it wasn’t easy.
There were reporters there in our jury room when it was all over. So, I am telling you something, Law and Order . . . if you ever rip this one from the headlines, you had better let me be in the episode . . . preferably playing MYSELF. I will be watching.
In my absence, so many questions have come in! Let’s not waste another moment!
danica said... A-TEAM QUESTION! Is there an episode of the A-Team where B.A. DOESN'T have to be knocked out to fly in a plane/helicopter/whatever?
Yes. In “The Beast from the Belly of a Boeing” (real episode title, and no, I didn’t even have to look it up—I just knew it from memory), BA and Murdock pose as airplane mechanics to put something on a plane before it takes off. Unfortunately, the plane starts moving with them on board. BA, after a few moments of panic, passes out. But technically, he is not drugged—nor does he even look that scared later on as he fights hijackers at 42,000 feet. I suspect he was “on the jazz” at the time.
As much as I loved the A-Team, I will acknowledge that they were a bit cheap in some of their production values. You will notice in the very last scene of this episode, when the nosecone of the plane crashes through the window of the airport . . . a woman throws a baby in the air? That’s because it is taken directly from the movie AIRPLANE!
lindsay n said... What is your favorite ornament- and are you a pro-tinsel (as in "in favor of" vs "professional") Christmas tree decorator?
Tinsel is a very serious subject at the Johnson homestead in Philadelphia. My mother, for reasons we have never completely understood, is obsessed with the stuff. You have never seen anyone use as much tinsel as my mom. In fact, the tradition now is that I decorate the tree (using the careful and time-honored tradition of putting on the balls in a very specific order). Then I put on FOUR BOXES of tinsel, thinking that will be enough. And then she comes in with a cup of nog and says, “The tree looks nice, but don’t you think it looks a little bare?” And then she whips a bag containing SIX MORE BOXES of tinsel and puts them all on the tree.
It’s hard to believe that a tree can withstand the tinseling we give it. I’m surprised we haven’t snapped a few. As she’s encrusting the tree, my mom always reminisces about some old-timey tinsel that was really heavy and hung straighter than modern tinsel. She implies it was made of lead or something, which really doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you want to put on a tree—especially considering that my lawyer, C. Catso Fangola, eats as much tinsel as he can get his little kitty jaws on.
In the end, we have a blinding silver spike that sort of resembles the nose-cone of a rocket, which probably explains all the strange visitors we get on Christmas Eve seeking transport to their home planets—and also why I thought Santa was from space.
SANTA!
emily said... do you think red sequined converse (google them, i'm sorry i can't figure out how to link) are appropriately cheery? because i just got them, and i think they are, but i want ask you, master of all cheer. (keep in mind that they sparkle when light shines on them!)
shakes
shakes very hard
BUY THESE AT ONCE. THE IMAGE OF THEM DANCES IN MY MIND AND I CANNOT SLEEP. GET THEM IN EVERY COLOR, ESPECIALLY THE SILVER.
THE VERY DEFINITION OF CHEER
rebekah ruth said... When can we expect to see these cards?
The Holiday Signing Workshop Elves have just produced the first box of cards, so I will start signing them and sending them out early next week! I will continue to sign and send right up until the 20th of December (or until the cards run out). And to those of you who asked . . . NO! It is not too late to request cards! This is the perfect time!
ashley said... my mother and I are currently in a 'disagreement' (it's not a fight, there was no yelling) about some particularly obnoxious ornaments. They are large, strangely shaped, and metallic purple. I think they are AMAZING, but she tells me that purple is not a holiday color. I disagree. So, master of all cheer, my mother has agreed to let you settle the debate, because she also loves your books. Is purple a holiday color? Are these ornaments allowed to don our tree full of cheer?!
Thank you for including me in your cheerful debate! First, let me just say that it is a good thing you didn’t ask Daphne Unfeasible this question. Daphne is not rational on the subject of purple. Daphne is wearing purple shoes in her wedding to Rexroth Implausible, where we will be eating purple cupcakes and carrying purple flowers. If you asked Daphne, the entire tree should be purple, like something out of the Lorax.
As it happens, the MOST IMPORTANT ORNAMENTS at the Johnson Family homestead are large and purple. They are from the 1940s, and we keep them in a special box. But that is really not enough information to help you settle this most Cheerful of discussions. So let me give you some historical background.
Purple is the color of kings, and my personal favorite when it comes to kings is “Mad” King Ludwig II of Bavaria—largely because he is the man responsible for the construction of Neuschwanstein Castle, which is arguably the coolest castle in the world (and the basis of the Disneyland Magic Kingdom castle). The German room of my high school had a large wall-mural of Neuschwanstein, so in my memory of high school, I visited this castle EVERY DAY.
As it happens, I kept all my foreign language textbooks from high school. (I didn’t steal them. We had to buy them.) My textbooks are very, very hilarious because, for whatever reason, we used a German edition created in 1974, and a French edition from 1984. Even taking into account that I went to high school several years ago, the books were still outrageously outdated, and yet we were made to memorize everything in them as facts. For example, I took a test with questions drawn from the following passage on French culture:
Young women enjoy wearing bib overalls (salopettes). Every girl carries a purse (sac), which is usually tiny with a long shoulder strap crossing the body. Currently, some girls wear ankle socks with high-heeled shoes.
I remember some brave soul in my class trying to explain to sister that this was not exactly accurate, and sister saying, “It is IN THE BOOK.” Some people have trouble understanding the fact that you kind of need to think about cultural and historical context before you go being all literal and following every word of something . . . because if you don’t, you are liable to make some egregious mistakes.*
Anyway, I want to show you the difference between the very first lesson of French I and the very first lesson of German I.
FRENCH I, first page text of Perspectives Françaises:
CHRISTINE: Bonjour, Marie! MARIE: Bonjour, Christine! Comment vas-tu? CHRISTINE: Je vais bien, merci. Et toi? MARIE: Comme-ci, comme ça. CHRISTINE: Que fais-tu maintenant? MARIE: J’étudie les math. Je passé l’examen dans dix minutes. CHRISTINE: Bonne chance! Ou vas-tu après l’examen? MARIE: Je vais a la patisserie. J’ai faim! CHRISTINE: Moi, aussi. Allons a la patisserie ensemble! MARIE: D’accord. A bientot, Christine. CHRISTINE: Au revoir, Marie.**
Translation:
CHRISTINE: Hello, Marie! MARIE: Hello, Christine! How are you? CHRISTINE: I’m fine, thanks. And you. MARIE: So-so. CHRISTINE: What are you doing? MARIE: I’m studying math. I take the test in ten minutes. CHRISTINE: Good luck! What are you doing after the test? MARIE: I’m going to the pastry shop. I’m hungry! CHRISTINE: Me, too. Let’s go to the pastry shop together! MARIE: Okay. See you soon, Christine. CHRISTINE: Good-bye, Marie.
Now, I think you will agree with me when I say that that is PRETTY BORING. The only part of that that I was even remotely interested in was this pastry shop they all went running to after math tests. What’s THAT about? The best I ever got after a math test was a prayer card and a lecture about my slouching socks.
The trouble was, I was used to better. Our German textbook was just so very excellent, Perspectives Françaises never had a chance. First of all, it was loaded with pictures from 1974, so everyone looked like Abba!
Everyone in my book looked like this. Now those are some bib overalls!
Aside from the obviously superior photos, my German book totally rocked when it came to conversations and vocabulary. No “Good morning, I am going dans le pastry shop” for us! No way! Here is the first piece of German text I ever had to read:
Du kennst mich nicht Ich heiße Gisela und wohne in Deutschland Ich finde Deutschland schon Ich habe eine nette Familie, aber oft fuhle ich mich ganz allein Und du?
Gehst du auch ab und zu lieber allein durch die Straßen? Fuhlst du dich manchmal verlassen, auch wenn viele Leute da sind? Traumst du manchmal? Schaust du in den Spiegel und fragst: ‘Wer bin ich und was wird aus mir?’
Aber es ist nicht immer so! Erika kommt oft zu mir. Wir gehen dann in mein Zimmer und sprechen lange und lachen laut miteinander. Oder wir weinen zusammen—und finden die Welt trauig und schon, fremd und freundlich. Und du?
Translation:
You don’t know me. My name is Gisela, and I live in Germany. I find Germany beautiful. I have a nice family, but often I feel quite alone. And you?
Do you too prefer to walk alone through the streets now and then? Do you feel sometimes forsaken, even when many people are there? Do you dream sometimes? Do you look in the mirror and ask, “Who am I, and what will become of me?”
But it’s not always this way. Erika often comes over, then we go to my room and talk a long time and laugh loudly with one another, Or we cry together—and find the world sad and beautiful, foreign and friendly. And you?
No vapid snacking here! Marie and Christine aren’t in the same universe as Gisela. I liked her insane trawling through the streets, mirror-talking, and group sobbing. Bonus: one of the first ten German words I ever learned was FORSAKEN.
This is why I became president of the German club. German is awesome.
Anyway, Ashley, I hope this clears everything up for you!
I hope those purple balls hang proudly from the branches of your tree! And if you want, you can be like my mom and just cover them up with tinsel! Everyone wins!
Thanks to Libba Bray (who gave out the link), I can offer you the chance to see my new publicity photo in the form of either Elf me or Scrooge me. You're welcome!
NOTE:
I understand that Blogger has been giving some of you trouble leaving comments. I am sorry for this! You can also send your questions via e-mail if that is easier! Your questions are the lifeblood of my very existence!
* It is possible that I am talking about more than just language textbooks, but I leave it to you to draw your own conclusions!
** Note to French and German readers: I love both of your languages, so please do not be offended by the lack of some accents and umlauts. I tried to make them appear, but the Gods of Word and Blogger colluded against me. If you have accents and umlauts I can borrow, I would be most appreciative.
Today’s Question One leads me nicely into my story:
danica said... mj, do you still want a pink stun gun after the tazering incident in Vancouver? (I realize you'd only ever use your stun gun for good, but I'd still like to know.)
Rexroth Implausible, fiancé to my agent, Daphne Unfeasible, just tempted me with this:
“What’s that?” you ask, not unreasonably. “It just looks like a small keychain of a pink seal with a heart-shaped nose. How adorable! But does it have another function?”
Yes, the ad says! It reads: Who imagines this lovely seal is a stun gun? It gives an electric shock to a naughty guy trying to touch you.
And here’s that in action . . .
YOWZA!
But it is not all fun and games, the ad goes on to say. Please note that electric seal is a funny toy, not a strong weapon. Try its effect before you use it as a self-difference tool. Use it as a funny toy just to make your friends surprised and laugh!
It is good advice to try it out on ourselves first, I guess, if only to reveal our tiny, tiny skeletons and HUGE SKULLS. Is this the “self-difference” they refer to? I want to understand my self-difference!
Electric Seal dreams of hanging from your purse.
This week, I have been in a courtroom all day, every day. I am on a jury in a murder trial. I am not permitted to talk or read about the case—and though the judge has permitted us to watch Law and Order (really), I also cannot make any Law and Order comparisons. (Well, I can tell you there are differences. It doesn’t all happen in an hour, that’s for sure.)
When I got picked for jury duty, everyone said to me, “You idiot. Why didn’t you tell them you were a DERANGED PERSON who wants an electric seal tazer (funny toy)? They would have let you off.”
I will tell you why:
1. It is my duty as a citizen to serve as a juror. People deserve fair trials, and we all have to be willing to be part of the process in order for the system to work.
2. J.K. Rowling has a hard time following me into the courthouse. She tried on the first day, but was expelled when she tried to steal a breakfast sandwich from one of the police officers by the door.
3. They just would have taken my electric seal away and made me do it anyway.
But just because I am on a jury doesn’t mean that my CHEER is lessened in any way. So let’s get to the questions!
DEPARTMENT OF CHEER
anonymous said... question for the marvelous MJ: what is this about special holiday cards from the book suite scarlet? i am very confused (http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifalthough a little excited about the use of the word "glitter" in there)about this and the aforementioned book signing?? could you please elaborate?
Sure! Last year, I began a tradition of sending out holiday cards to readers who requested them. And this year, with Free Monkey’s help, I’m doing it again! But this time, the cards are FANCIER. If you would like a signed holiday card from me and one of the characters of Suite Scarlett—or if you are giving one of my books as a gift and want a signed card to tuck inside—just send an e-mail saying so to cheer@maureenjohnsonbooks.com. Give your name (or the name of the person who the card is for), your mailing address (or theirs), and any short messages you want inside (short is key).
It’s best to get your requests in early. I’ve just noticed that the entire first batch of cards I ordered from the Helper Elves has already been claimed. I’ll have more made, but sooner is better than later!
ally said... Oh! Can we give you our friends address and name and you mail it to them so it will be a surprise?
YES! In fact, I may go further! Maybe I will hide in their bushes and leap out with my Electric Seal when they come home, yelling, “FEEL THE SELF-DIFFERENCE!”
I’m not promising that, but if I run out of cards, that’s what it may come to!
allie beckaliciousness =) said... what kind of holiday do you celebrate (i.e. xmas, hannukah, etc.)??? and what are you getting everyone for the holidays?!?!?!? (UH OH.)
I was raised celebrating x-mas, so that’s what I do. Each year, I kidnap a small tree and drag it to my apartment, where I make it stand around, dressed in shiny objects! Also, thanks to my mother, I have a small Department 56 “Christmas in the City” village. I did not really want a Department 56 “Christmas in the City” village, but sometimes we must do things that our mothers want us to do. Which in my case, includes putting out “Wong’s Chinese Laundry.”
See. my mother collects the Department 56 “Dickens’ Village.” My mother’s Village is so massive that it takes two days to set up and has its own special electrical wiring to keep it from blowing a circuit in the living room. It actually formed the basis of my story in “Let It Snow,” which I am writing with John Green and Lauren Myracle—and that is why “Let It Snow” will be the first of my books my mom is not allowed to see.
Unlike my mother, who populates her Village with official Department 56 figurines ONLY, I populate my city with a diverse group! There is Weird Oversized Reindeer, Alien Monster, Stuffed Giant Syphilis Microbe, Darth Vader, and Tiny Smoking Baby! I feel this is just one way of embracing many traditions!
But I approve of and rejoice in ALL holidays at this time of year.
scott neumyer said... LOL. Cheery? Hmmm.... If you Save the Cheerleader, can you really Save the World?
Strangely, this question is also answered in Let It Snow. Which means that I can’t tell you now, but all will be revealed soon! However, I want to be helpful, so I will tell you that I saw Beowulf in 3D last night. What I learned is that when you die, Angelina Jolie makes out with you. Does that mean that Brad Pitt is dead and is therefore, technically, a zombie? I DON’T KNOW.
ally ALSO said... What is your more favorite movie; the one with Rudolph and the Misfit Toys (it looks like its made out of clay) or the Frosty the Snowman movie. Surely you have to know which ones I'm talking about.
Naturally, I am a fan of both of these excellent, CHEER-inducing films, but I do have a slight preference for Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys. Though, Frosty does have the beardy power of International Heartthrob Burl Ives . . .
Burl Ives.
B.A. said... MJ: I'm writing this on my Dad's laptop in the hospital. I'm really scared about my surgery tomorrow (even though I'll be asleep - darn that 'awake' commercial!) but I was just wondering have you ever had any medical 'experiences?' I just need something to take my mind off of tomorrow -eek!
B.A. (not of A-TEAM fame, right? I know EVERYTHING about the A-TEAM! You can also send me your A-TEAM questions) . . .
A-Team questions are ALWAYS Cheerful!
B.A. . . . I hope I am not too late in answering this. I hope your surgery went okay. Please drop a note and let us know. In the meantime, I DO have something that will take your mind off the pain! A picture of International Heartthrob Burl Ives!
Burl Ives.
As the trial wraps up, I HOPE that things will begin to get normal, and I can answer your questions QUICKLY! In the meantime, please keep sending them!
