CITIZEN JOHNSON
Today’s Question One leads me nicely into my story:
Rexroth Implausible, fiancé to my agent, Daphne Unfeasible, just tempted me with this:
“What’s that?” you ask, not unreasonably. “It just looks like a small keychain of a pink seal with a heart-shaped nose. How adorable! But does it have another function?”
Yes, the ad says! It reads:
Who imagines this lovely seal is a stun gun? It gives an electric shock to a naughty guy trying to touch you.
And here’s that in action . . .
YOWZA!
But it is not all fun and games, the ad goes on to say.
Please note that electric seal is a funny toy, not a strong weapon. Try its effect before you use it as a self-difference tool. Use it as a funny toy just to make your friends surprised and laugh!
It is good advice to try it out on ourselves first, I guess, if only to reveal our tiny, tiny skeletons and HUGE SKULLS. Is this the “self-difference” they refer to? I want to understand my self-difference!
Electric Seal dreams of hanging from your purse.
This week, I have been in a courtroom all day, every day. I am on a jury in a murder trial. I am not permitted to talk or read about the case—and though the judge has permitted us to watch Law and Order (really), I also cannot make any Law and Order comparisons. (Well, I can tell you there are differences. It doesn’t all happen in an hour, that’s for sure.)
When I got picked for jury duty, everyone said to me, “You idiot. Why didn’t you tell them you were a DERANGED PERSON who wants an electric seal tazer (funny toy)? They would have let you off.”
I will tell you why:
1. It is my duty as a citizen to serve as a juror. People deserve fair trials, and we all have to be willing to be part of the process in order for the system to work.
2. J.K. Rowling has a hard time following me into the courthouse. She tried on the first day, but was expelled when she tried to steal a breakfast sandwich from one of the police officers by the door.
3. They just would have taken my electric seal away and made me do it anyway.
But just because I am on a jury doesn’t mean that my CHEER is lessened in any way. So let’s get to the questions!
DEPARTMENT OF CHEER
Sure! Last year, I began a tradition of sending out holiday cards to readers who requested them. And this year, with Free Monkey’s help, I’m doing it again! But this time, the cards are FANCIER. If you would like a signed holiday card from me and one of the characters of Suite Scarlett—or if you are giving one of my books as a gift and want a signed card to tuck inside—just send an e-mail saying so to cheer@maureenjohnsonbooks.com. Give your name (or the name of the person who the card is for), your mailing address (or theirs), and any short messages you want inside (short is key).
It’s best to get your requests in early. I’ve just noticed that the entire first batch of cards I ordered from the Helper Elves has already been claimed. I’ll have more made, but sooner is better than later!
YES! In fact, I may go further! Maybe I will hide in their bushes and leap out with my Electric Seal when they come home, yelling, “FEEL THE SELF-DIFFERENCE!”
I’m not promising that, but if I run out of cards, that’s what it may come to!
I was raised celebrating x-mas, so that’s what I do. Each year, I kidnap a small tree and drag it to my apartment, where I make it stand around, dressed in shiny objects! Also, thanks to my mother, I have a small Department 56 “Christmas in the City” village. I did not really want a Department 56 “Christmas in the City” village, but sometimes we must do things that our mothers want us to do. Which in my case, includes putting out “Wong’s Chinese Laundry.”
See. my mother collects the Department 56 “Dickens’ Village.” My mother’s Village is so massive that it takes two days to set up and has its own special electrical wiring to keep it from blowing a circuit in the living room. It actually formed the basis of my story in “Let It Snow,” which I am writing with John Green and Lauren Myracle—and that is why “Let It Snow” will be the first of my books my mom is not allowed to see.
Unlike my mother, who populates her Village with official Department 56 figurines ONLY, I populate my city with a diverse group! There is Weird Oversized Reindeer, Alien Monster, Stuffed Giant Syphilis Microbe, Darth Vader, and Tiny Smoking Baby! I feel this is just one way of embracing many traditions!
But I approve of and rejoice in ALL holidays at this time of year.
Strangely, this question is also answered in Let It Snow. Which means that I can’t tell you now, but all will be revealed soon! However, I want to be helpful, so I will tell you that I saw Beowulf in 3D last night. What I learned is that when you die, Angelina Jolie makes out with you. Does that mean that Brad Pitt is dead and is therefore, technically, a zombie? I DON’T KNOW.
Naturally, I am a fan of both of these excellent, CHEER-inducing films, but I do have a slight preference for Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys. Though, Frosty does have the beardy power of International Heartthrob Burl Ives . . .
Burl Ives.
B.A. (not of A-TEAM fame, right? I know EVERYTHING about the A-TEAM! You can also send me your A-TEAM questions) . . .
A-Team questions are ALWAYS Cheerful!
B.A. . . . I hope I am not too late in answering this. I hope your surgery went okay. Please drop a note and let us know. In the meantime, I DO have something that will take your mind off the pain! A picture of International Heartthrob Burl Ives!
Burl Ives.
As the trial wraps up, I HOPE that things will begin to get normal, and I can answer your questions QUICKLY! In the meantime, please keep sending them!
danica said...
mj, do you still want a pink stun gun after the tazering incident in Vancouver? (I realize you'd only ever use your stun gun for good, but I'd still like to know.)
Rexroth Implausible, fiancé to my agent, Daphne Unfeasible, just tempted me with this:
“What’s that?” you ask, not unreasonably. “It just looks like a small keychain of a pink seal with a heart-shaped nose. How adorable! But does it have another function?”
Yes, the ad says! It reads:
Who imagines this lovely seal is a stun gun? It gives an electric shock to a naughty guy trying to touch you.
And here’s that in action . . .
But it is not all fun and games, the ad goes on to say.
Please note that electric seal is a funny toy, not a strong weapon. Try its effect before you use it as a self-difference tool. Use it as a funny toy just to make your friends surprised and laugh!
It is good advice to try it out on ourselves first, I guess, if only to reveal our tiny, tiny skeletons and HUGE SKULLS. Is this the “self-difference” they refer to? I want to understand my self-difference!
This week, I have been in a courtroom all day, every day. I am on a jury in a murder trial. I am not permitted to talk or read about the case—and though the judge has permitted us to watch Law and Order (really), I also cannot make any Law and Order comparisons. (Well, I can tell you there are differences. It doesn’t all happen in an hour, that’s for sure.)
When I got picked for jury duty, everyone said to me, “You idiot. Why didn’t you tell them you were a DERANGED PERSON who wants an electric seal tazer (funny toy)? They would have let you off.”
I will tell you why:
1. It is my duty as a citizen to serve as a juror. People deserve fair trials, and we all have to be willing to be part of the process in order for the system to work.
2. J.K. Rowling has a hard time following me into the courthouse. She tried on the first day, but was expelled when she tried to steal a breakfast sandwich from one of the police officers by the door.
3. They just would have taken my electric seal away and made me do it anyway.
But just because I am on a jury doesn’t mean that my CHEER is lessened in any way. So let’s get to the questions!
DEPARTMENT OF CHEER
anonymous said...
question for the marvelous MJ: what is this about special holiday cards from the book suite scarlet? i am very confused (http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifalthough a little excited about the use of the word "glitter" in there)about this and the aforementioned book signing?? could you please elaborate?
Sure! Last year, I began a tradition of sending out holiday cards to readers who requested them. And this year, with Free Monkey’s help, I’m doing it again! But this time, the cards are FANCIER. If you would like a signed holiday card from me and one of the characters of Suite Scarlett—or if you are giving one of my books as a gift and want a signed card to tuck inside—just send an e-mail saying so to cheer@maureenjohnsonbooks.com. Give your name (or the name of the person who the card is for), your mailing address (or theirs), and any short messages you want inside (short is key).
It’s best to get your requests in early. I’ve just noticed that the entire first batch of cards I ordered from the Helper Elves has already been claimed. I’ll have more made, but sooner is better than later!
ally said...
Oh! Can we give you our friends address and name and you mail it to them so it will be a surprise?
YES! In fact, I may go further! Maybe I will hide in their bushes and leap out with my Electric Seal when they come home, yelling, “FEEL THE SELF-DIFFERENCE!”
I’m not promising that, but if I run out of cards, that’s what it may come to!
allie beckaliciousness =) said...
what kind of holiday do you celebrate (i.e. xmas, hannukah, etc.)??? and what are you getting everyone for the holidays?!?!?!? (UH OH.)
I was raised celebrating x-mas, so that’s what I do. Each year, I kidnap a small tree and drag it to my apartment, where I make it stand around, dressed in shiny objects! Also, thanks to my mother, I have a small Department 56 “Christmas in the City” village. I did not really want a Department 56 “Christmas in the City” village, but sometimes we must do things that our mothers want us to do. Which in my case, includes putting out “Wong’s Chinese Laundry.”
See. my mother collects the Department 56 “Dickens’ Village.” My mother’s Village is so massive that it takes two days to set up and has its own special electrical wiring to keep it from blowing a circuit in the living room. It actually formed the basis of my story in “Let It Snow,” which I am writing with John Green and Lauren Myracle—and that is why “Let It Snow” will be the first of my books my mom is not allowed to see.
Unlike my mother, who populates her Village with official Department 56 figurines ONLY, I populate my city with a diverse group! There is Weird Oversized Reindeer, Alien Monster, Stuffed Giant Syphilis Microbe, Darth Vader, and Tiny Smoking Baby! I feel this is just one way of embracing many traditions!
But I approve of and rejoice in ALL holidays at this time of year.
scott neumyer said...
LOL. Cheery? Hmmm.... If you Save the Cheerleader, can you really Save the World?
Strangely, this question is also answered in Let It Snow. Which means that I can’t tell you now, but all will be revealed soon! However, I want to be helpful, so I will tell you that I saw Beowulf in 3D last night. What I learned is that when you die, Angelina Jolie makes out with you. Does that mean that Brad Pitt is dead and is therefore, technically, a zombie? I DON’T KNOW.
ally ALSO said...
What is your more favorite movie; the one with Rudolph and the Misfit Toys (it looks like its made out of clay) or the Frosty the Snowman movie. Surely you have to know which ones I'm talking about.
Naturally, I am a fan of both of these excellent, CHEER-inducing films, but I do have a slight preference for Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys. Though, Frosty does have the beardy power of International Heartthrob Burl Ives . . .
B.A. said...
MJ: I'm writing this on my Dad's laptop in the hospital. I'm really scared about my surgery tomorrow (even though I'll be asleep - darn that 'awake' commercial!) but I was just wondering have you ever had any medical 'experiences?' I just need something to take my mind off of tomorrow -eek!
B.A. (not of A-TEAM fame, right? I know EVERYTHING about the A-TEAM! You can also send me your A-TEAM questions) . . .
B.A. . . . I hope I am not too late in answering this. I hope your surgery went okay. Please drop a note and let us know. In the meantime, I DO have something that will take your mind off the pain! A picture of International Heartthrob Burl Ives!
As the trial wraps up, I HOPE that things will begin to get normal, and I can answer your questions QUICKLY! In the meantime, please keep sending them!
Labels: ask mj, burl ives, cheer, duty, Law and Order, zombies
posted by Maureen at
1:59 AM
27 Comments
