JAM JAR
My recent experience on a jury makes me think that if the police ever suspect me of something and they come to me asking for an alibi . . . I could be in trouble. Case in point, last night.
So there I was, sitting with the MJ Holiday Signing Workshop Elves, signing a pile of Suite Scarlett cards and waiting for various members of the Martin family to drop by and sign as well . . . and I got hungry. I remembered that I had purchased a jar of really good jam. I wanted some jam on toast!
The thing about the jam was, I had put it in the fridge. So when I went to get it out and have some, the lid wouldn’t come off. I tried and tried, but it was no good. I ran the thing under warm water, but I could see that was making the jam all runny . . . so I decided it needed a more gentle warming up. Like if I just held it in my hands for a few minutes.
So there I was, hugging my jam jar. As you do.
Now, imagine if I was framed for a crime I didn’t commit, and the police came and asked me what I was doing on the night of the 19th of December. I would have to say, “Why, just sitting on my sofa, officers, hugging a jar of jam.”
They would look at each other, then one would warily ask, “Can anyone back up this story?”
“Oh, the elves can!”
Another look.
“And J.K.Rowling,” I would add.
Did I not mention this? Of course she was there. I HAD JAM. (I swear, she can hear me every time I step into the kitchen.) She must have been lurking out on the fire escape with a glass cutter, because I never even heard her until she was sitting next to me. She even had a spoon.
“Give me the jam or I’ll kill Harry Potter,” she said.
“Too late,” I replied, smugly. “Everyone knows Harry lives. Suck it, Rowling!”
Oh, she didn’t like that. She stewed for a moment.
“Give me the jam or I’ll kill that girl Bella from Twilight!”
“You didn’t write Twilight! You can’t kill Bella!”
“Oh, can’t I?” she said. “I am MAGIC!”
“No you aren’t.”
“Yes I am! I’ll prove it! Accio, jam!”
She made a lunge for the jam, but I was ready for her. I jumped up just in time, hugging the jam close.
“Since you’re here,” I said, “you can help me pick a winner for the Suite Scarlett giveaway.”
“Give me the jam and I’ll think about it.”
“I will share the jam,” I said, “after you help me.”
“Fine,” she grumbled. “But I’ll get that Bella yet. She’s been hitting on Harry, and I don’t like it.”
WHAT IS JORGE RODRIGUEZ?
That’s the question that was written across the tape dispenser at the East Village post office. I took a picture of it. This photo, of course, is the basis of the Suite Scarlett challenge. I asked you to explain it. Here it is again:
“What is that thing?” J.K. asked me, studying the photo. “Is it a phone?”
“It’s a tape dispenser.”
“What’s tape?”
“It’s sticky stuff,” I explained. (For all I know, “tape” may be an Americanism. I am willing to give J.K. the benefit of the occasional doubt.) “You use it to stick things together.”
“You mean glue.”
“No. It’s not glue. It’s tape. It comes in a roll. This is a picture of it.”
“What, the phone?”
“It’s not a phone!” I yelled.
J.K. smiled. She likes it when she gets me riled up.
“I’m getting my own amusement park,” she said. “I think I know what tape is. But it’s your book. You figure it out.”
“I’m not giving you any jam unless you help.”
“Peevish girl. Fine. Let me see some of these other questions. I’ll answer them. You talk too much.”
JK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS
JK replies:
I am the top selling author on planet earth and am magic . . . and even I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future! I don’t think you’re going to get a gift certificate at all! I’ll tell you what you’re probably going to get—you’re going to get a turtleneck! Or you may not get anything, because I pretty much own everything! Did you hear about my dolphin? I have a dolphin!
But I’ll play along. You want to buy a book? I assume, of course, that you already have my books. (Everyone does.) Maybe you should buy one of Maureen’s books, so then she’d get some money and stop being so STINGY with her jam. Merry Christmas.
JK says:
You’re next, cardiganweather, if that is your real name. Which I don't think it is. Your house of lies will come tumbling down!
JK says:
I am.
JK says:
Dumbledore is gay. He will be your friend. Give me jam.
JK says:
1. YES. 2. THE WORD IS “CHIPS.” 3. YES.
JK says:
What is wrong with you people? You are food obsessed. But to answer your question . . . yes, they count. (Weren’t all those sweets I invented in the books BRILLIANT? Like the Puking Pastilles? I am more clever than twenty clever people at a clever convention. I should own a sweets company. Maybe I will buy one.)
JK says:
DO YOU NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD? And anyway, everyone knows what a toyon is. So I’m not going to tell you. Happy holidays.
MJ adds:
I’m sorry. She can be rude.
JK adds some more:
Shut up, jam-hoarder. What ever happened to hospitality? If you came to my house, I would give you all the jam you could eat.
MJ adds more on that:
I have no intention of going to your house.
JK adds the final word:
No one said you would go voluntarily.
THE WINNER
On that note, I handed over the jam. While was eating, I chose the winner of THE VERY FIRST COPY OF SUITE SCARLETT!
I can barely stand it! I’m so excited!
It was a hard choice. But I had to pick someone. I had to. It caused me pain. I agnozied. I asked JK!
So . . . .
*drumroll*
*okay, JK tapping a spoon on the coffee table*
The winner is Karen, who wrote:
This is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. And what’s more . . . Suite Scarlett features Shakespeare! Specifically Hamlet! On unicycles!
So, Karen . . . send me your address over e-mail RIGHT AWAY, and the very first copy of Scarlett is yours for consideration.
There will be more in the future!
FINAL THOUGHTS FROM JK:
Suite Scarlett sounds stupid. Where are the moving staircases? Where are the house elves? I’ll probably read it anyway, because I am exceedingly generous, but I won’t like it. This jam is okay.
FINAL, FINAL THOUGHTS FROM MJ:
Please forgive JK’s lack of CHEER. I should tell you that there I do have elves . . . namely, the Holiday Workshop Signing Elves, who have agreed to work for one more night. So if you still want a card, and you write in tonight, you can get one!
TERMINAL THOUGHTS FROM JK:
Signing Elves aren’t real. I think it’s sad how she makes these things up, don’t you? Oh, and now she’s saying something about how you can keep asking cheer-related questions, whatever that means. I guess she’ll need me to help out with those again, since she’s clearly a little bit on the incompetent side. I mean, look how long she went without posting the other week! I wrote, like, a ZILLION pages of Harry Potter in less time! Still, we cannot all be me.
Anyway. Ho ho ho, etc. Write in if you want. I’ll be here. I think she’s got crackers somewhere. I can smell them.
So there I was, sitting with the MJ Holiday Signing Workshop Elves, signing a pile of Suite Scarlett cards and waiting for various members of the Martin family to drop by and sign as well . . . and I got hungry. I remembered that I had purchased a jar of really good jam. I wanted some jam on toast!
The thing about the jam was, I had put it in the fridge. So when I went to get it out and have some, the lid wouldn’t come off. I tried and tried, but it was no good. I ran the thing under warm water, but I could see that was making the jam all runny . . . so I decided it needed a more gentle warming up. Like if I just held it in my hands for a few minutes.
So there I was, hugging my jam jar. As you do.
Now, imagine if I was framed for a crime I didn’t commit, and the police came and asked me what I was doing on the night of the 19th of December. I would have to say, “Why, just sitting on my sofa, officers, hugging a jar of jam.”
They would look at each other, then one would warily ask, “Can anyone back up this story?”
“Oh, the elves can!”
Another look.
“And J.K.Rowling,” I would add.
Did I not mention this? Of course she was there. I HAD JAM. (I swear, she can hear me every time I step into the kitchen.) She must have been lurking out on the fire escape with a glass cutter, because I never even heard her until she was sitting next to me. She even had a spoon.
“Give me the jam or I’ll kill Harry Potter,” she said.
“Too late,” I replied, smugly. “Everyone knows Harry lives. Suck it, Rowling!”
Oh, she didn’t like that. She stewed for a moment.
“Give me the jam or I’ll kill that girl Bella from Twilight!”
“You didn’t write Twilight! You can’t kill Bella!”
“Oh, can’t I?” she said. “I am MAGIC!”
“No you aren’t.”
“Yes I am! I’ll prove it! Accio, jam!”
She made a lunge for the jam, but I was ready for her. I jumped up just in time, hugging the jam close.
“Since you’re here,” I said, “you can help me pick a winner for the Suite Scarlett giveaway.”
“Give me the jam and I’ll think about it.”
“I will share the jam,” I said, “after you help me.”
“Fine,” she grumbled. “But I’ll get that Bella yet. She’s been hitting on Harry, and I don’t like it.”
WHAT IS JORGE RODRIGUEZ?
That’s the question that was written across the tape dispenser at the East Village post office. I took a picture of it. This photo, of course, is the basis of the Suite Scarlett challenge. I asked you to explain it. Here it is again:
“What is that thing?” J.K. asked me, studying the photo. “Is it a phone?”
“It’s a tape dispenser.”
“What’s tape?”
“It’s sticky stuff,” I explained. (For all I know, “tape” may be an Americanism. I am willing to give J.K. the benefit of the occasional doubt.) “You use it to stick things together.”
“You mean glue.”
“No. It’s not glue. It’s tape. It comes in a roll. This is a picture of it.”
“What, the phone?”
“It’s not a phone!” I yelled.
J.K. smiled. She likes it when she gets me riled up.
“I’m getting my own amusement park,” she said. “I think I know what tape is. But it’s your book. You figure it out.”
“I’m not giving you any jam unless you help.”
“Peevish girl. Fine. Let me see some of these other questions. I’ll answer them. You talk too much.”
JK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS
anonymous said...
I know for a fact that I'm going to be getting a whole lot of book store gift certificates for Christmas. I've got a few ideas of what to buy, but not nearly enough to quench the fire that is gift-certificate-mania. Have you read any really great books lately that you'd recommend?
JK replies:
I am the top selling author on planet earth and am magic . . . and even I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future! I don’t think you’re going to get a gift certificate at all! I’ll tell you what you’re probably going to get—you’re going to get a turtleneck! Or you may not get anything, because I pretty much own everything! Did you hear about my dolphin? I have a dolphin!
But I’ll play along. You want to buy a book? I assume, of course, that you already have my books. (Everyone does.) Maybe you should buy one of Maureen’s books, so then she’d get some money and stop being so STINGY with her jam. Merry Christmas.
cardiganweather said...
I have come to the conclusion thats it's JK Rowlings way of keeping in contact with you. She's leaving clues everywhere, so when you find out what Jorge Rodriguez is , JK will leave another one. All the while, she will be plotting getting away you from your house just so she can break in to try and steal your food. Watch your back. She's coming. Which is scary.
JK says:
You’re next, cardiganweather, if that is your real name. Which I don't think it is. Your house of lies will come tumbling down!
anonymous said...
Wow! So many questions! I can't speak German or French like apparently every other soul reading this blog can (Spanish, anyone?), but... I'm the 50th comment, so that means something, right? Who's your favorite friend (who is also an author?)
JK says:
I am.
reese said...
Maureen, My friends think that my current goal is weird. It is a well known fact that gay guys make the BEST friends ever. So my goal is to make a gay italian guy who's two years older than me my best friend. I just haven't found him yet. That is a perfectly good goal to have. What do you think?
JK says:
Dumbledore is gay. He will be your friend. Give me jam.
ally said...
Do you like cupcakes? Do french fries dipped in ketchup creep you out? Do you like Hershey Kisses?
JK says:
1. YES. 2. THE WORD IS “CHIPS.” 3. YES.
ysa said...
I have a cheer related question... Maureen, where are you on the whole candy cane thing. Do those gigantic peppermint sticks that are about an inch long count as candycanes?
JK says:
What is wrong with you people? You are food obsessed. But to answer your question . . . yes, they count. (Weren’t all those sweets I invented in the books BRILLIANT? Like the Puking Pastilles? I am more clever than twenty clever people at a clever convention. I should own a sweets company. Maybe I will buy one.)
joanna said...
Hullo Maureen, Since you are knowledgeable on all things Christmas-related, I am hoping you can answer a question for me. I recently did a Christmas-themed crostic puzzle. When it asked for a 5-letter word for the clue "Christmas berry", I first thought that it must be "HOLLY"; I quickly realized that those letters were all wrong, though. Upon completing the rest of the puzzle, I found that the answer had to be "TOYON". Toyon?! They never taught me about toyon in Hebrew School! If you have the time, I would greatly appreciate the inside scoop on this mystical Christmas fruit!
JK says:
DO YOU NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD? And anyway, everyone knows what a toyon is. So I’m not going to tell you. Happy holidays.
MJ adds:
I’m sorry. She can be rude.
JK adds some more:
Shut up, jam-hoarder. What ever happened to hospitality? If you came to my house, I would give you all the jam you could eat.
MJ adds more on that:
I have no intention of going to your house.
JK adds the final word:
No one said you would go voluntarily.
THE WINNER
On that note, I handed over the jam. While was eating, I chose the winner of THE VERY FIRST COPY OF SUITE SCARLETT!
I can barely stand it! I’m so excited!
It was a hard choice. But I had to pick someone. I had to. It caused me pain. I agnozied. I asked JK!
So . . . .
*drumroll*
*okay, JK tapping a spoon on the coffee table*
The winner is Karen, who wrote:
karen said...
You know, it strikes me as odd that the initials for Jorge Rodriguez are JR. Why? You may be asking this question. Well, MJ, I'll tell you why. In the spoken-phonetic alphabet, JR stands for Juliet & Romeo. Romeo and Juliet may very well be the most famous play ever written by the possibly most famous playwrite in the world, William Shakespeare. If you do not know what this play entails, I suggest you get your butt out of your computer chair and read it. Anyway, for those of you who do not know, Romeo and Juliet entails the story of young but tragically forbidden love. The only conclusion you can draw from this is that Jorge Rodriguez symbolizes young but tragically forbidden love. LOVE I TELL YOU. Hrmm, I guess theatre really did help me in the end.
This is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. And what’s more . . . Suite Scarlett features Shakespeare! Specifically Hamlet! On unicycles!
So, Karen . . . send me your address over e-mail RIGHT AWAY, and the very first copy of Scarlett is yours for consideration.
There will be more in the future!
FINAL THOUGHTS FROM JK:
Suite Scarlett sounds stupid. Where are the moving staircases? Where are the house elves? I’ll probably read it anyway, because I am exceedingly generous, but I won’t like it. This jam is okay.
FINAL, FINAL THOUGHTS FROM MJ:
Please forgive JK’s lack of CHEER. I should tell you that there I do have elves . . . namely, the Holiday Workshop Signing Elves, who have agreed to work for one more night. So if you still want a card, and you write in tonight, you can get one!
TERMINAL THOUGHTS FROM JK:
Signing Elves aren’t real. I think it’s sad how she makes these things up, don’t you? Oh, and now she’s saying something about how you can keep asking cheer-related questions, whatever that means. I guess she’ll need me to help out with those again, since she’s clearly a little bit on the incompetent side. I mean, look how long she went without posting the other week! I wrote, like, a ZILLION pages of Harry Potter in less time! Still, we cannot all be me.
Anyway. Ho ho ho, etc. Write in if you want. I’ll be here. I think she’s got crackers somewhere. I can smell them.
Labels: ask mj, jam, jk rowling, Suite Scarlett
posted by Maureen at
2:51 AM
26 Comments
