I had a problem with my bathtub the other day. I usually get along well with my bathtub, which is from the 1930s, and extremely massive, and good at the task of hold water. These are excellent qualities in a tub! But the other day it decided it was going to hold water and NEVER, EVER LET IT GO. It wanted to be with this water forever.
My tub, because it is from the 1930s, is kind of weird. The stopper is this odd little contraption that sits outside of the tub. It looks like a little periscope that comes out of the floor, and you toggle it up or down, depending on what you want the water to do. I toggled and toggled and toggled, but the water remained. I poured drain opener into the tub. I did everything I could possibly think of, but I finally accepted that my tub was broken.
So I called my building supervisor to ask what could be done. He attempted to talk me through a repair. See, inside of the toggley-toggely thing is a thin rod that lifts and drops the stopper. It’s just a stopper on a stick, basically. So he had me pull this out and look at it.
And he said, “What does it look like on the other side?”
I looked at the rod.
“You mean on the bottom half?” I asked.
“No,” he said patiently, as if I was very, very stupid, “the other side.”
I looked at the rod some more. A rod is a stick. And a stick only has one side. Oh, sure, I mean technically there is some other side of a stick. There are probably INFINITE sides to a stick. But when you are dealing with something that thin, for all practical purposes it has one side—the stick side. Every way you look at it, you look at it from the stick side.*
So I explained that I could not follow this logic, because this stick was, from all perspectives, profoundly sticklike and there was no other side to talk about. This conversation went around and around for ten minutes, until I didn’t care anymore. I was worn and broken inside and fairly committed to seeing if I could climb into the kitchen sink for all of my future bathing needs. I was undone by this stick business.
Which brings me to unicorns.
I’m sure most of you by this point are aware of the zombie versus unicorn debate that RAGES ON online. The debate started in February 2007, between Justine Larbalestier and Holly Black. (Many people think that John Green started this. He did not. He later joined the discussion, as did I, both on the righteous side of zombies. But the whole thing started with Justine (zombies) and Holly (unicorns). This is the only known instance in which Holly Black has been wrong. You can read the history of the debate here and here and here and here. Credit for this great battle must be given where it is due.)
You probably thought this was over and everyone had accepted that zombies rule and unicorns are useless, but apparently not. There are still some people who think that unicorns have merit.
But of course, they do not. Unicorns are just stick-headed horses. Like the stick, they lack dimension.
Right now, some maniac, probably a maniac in lederhosen with lunchmeat on his head, is yelling, “It’s not a STICK! It’s a HORN!”
Listen up, my leather-shorted, meat-hatted friend . . . I would give unicorns the time of day if that “horn” was a good kind of horn, like this:
With that horn, I would welcome the unicorn and say, “Come here, little unicorn, have this bag of warm roughage.”
But no. In terms of head-ornaments, unicorns fall squarely into the stick category, even though the horns are technically cones . . . which is a statement that presents a number of geometrical challenges, I know, but we really need to move on and call a stick a stick.** (Or a CORN. Why don’t we call it a CORN, since they are unicorns?)
“But,” I have heard people say, “unicorns represented purity and chastity in the olden days! Therefore we should like them!”
The olden days? Like when you could sell a young girl to an old man to be his bride for three goats, a pound of flour, and some red cloth? You mean the olden days when they used to burn people for being witches? The olden days, when they would cover you in leeches whenever you sneezed? The olden days, when rats ruled the earth, and the ages are simply referred to as “dark”? ALL THE IDEAS THEN WERE BAD.
Good medicine from the unicorn days.
“What do you know?” some other random maniac asks. “Did you research this?”
No, I didn’t, and I don’t need to! Because what could be less useful than a stick on the head? What's there to research? Why don’t unicorns have something on their heads people would actually want, like a sandwich press, or a tire jack, or a nail file? Anything but a stick.
“So,” says the nay-sayer (there are obviously a lot of people out today who want to get involved in this discussion), “what’s so great about zombies, anyway?”
What ISN’T great about zombies is the real question!
But since I must start somewhere, I will say this: zombies are overachievers. As Simon Pegg wrote in his recent, brilliant article on zombies (which should be required reading for everyone, everywhere): “Death is a disability, not a superpower. It's hard to run with a cold, let alone the most debilitating malady of them all.”
This is part of his exquisite explanation of why zombies must be slow. It also explains why zombies are awesome. THEY ARE DEAD. But does that stop them? No, a thousand times no! They battle on against the ultimate case of the Mondays. You hit them? They get up! Kneecap them, shoot them, run them over with a car, and these precious creatures get right back up, because they are CHAMPIONS.
If only we could be more like zombies! We, who suffer daily the thousands of indignities of being alive, who have broken bathtubs and bad hair and sniffles and deadlines . . . we must keep getting back up, as our zombie friends do!
And why do the zombies shamble after us? Because they love us, is why. They want to hang with us. They want to be part of us. Sure, they express love by ripping you to bits and eating your insides, but who is to say that is completely wrong? Maybe it is just more love than we can handle, and whose fault is that?
And who has a greater appreciation of brains than zombies? No one. In fact, the only way you can stop a zombie is by destroying its head. It is as if the zombie is saying, “Without my thoughts, which are admittedly pretty simple, I am nothing.”
Zombies are also COMMUNICATORS, speaking in the universal language of grunts, moans, and hand gestures. When a zombie speaks, everyone understands. Zombies promote global unity and show that we are one people, and that we are all full of tasty insides.
Also, unlike zombies, unicorns are not real.
When will this battle end? How can we resolve our differences and get everyone on the right side of this argument?
Have thoughts? Leave them below. If they are pro-zombie, then they will be welcomed by all and you will be hailed as a hero of the people. If they are pro-unicorn, well . . . if you want to make a laughing stock of yourself and contribute the overall count of WRONG THINGS on the internet, I suppose you cannot be stopped. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also, enjoy this beautiful video made by Lauren Myracle, which features me and John Green! Just skip the opening and the end! Damn it feels good to be a ZOMBIE!
*Shut up, math majors, engineers, and science geeks, shut up shut up shut up. I know you want to say something here about the theoretical (or not-so-theoretical) possibilities of the sides of a cylinder, but you just have to fight that urge, do you hear me? FIGHT IT! Repeat after me: THERE IS ONLY ONE SIDE TO A STICK. I know you feel better.
First of all, thank you for writing in with so much support for Susan and Bermudez. Your ideas and good thoughts have made a huge difference, and Susan has expressed her continuing support of the effort.
I’m not sure what to say about Susan’s resignation, still. To think that a librarian like Susan would give up her job after 33 years fighting for a book (which happens to be mine) is astonishing.
Several of you suggested another letter campaign. I know the last one worked to at least halt the book banning that was going on unreported and get it out into the public. But now, the committee is responding by curling into a tiny, cowardly ball and refusing to answer me. (Maybe because Janet Vernon was too busy running for President-Elect of the Middle States Association, one of the most powerful bodies in American education. Great, huh?)
I have no idea what the people on the committee are really like, day to day. All I know is that they REFUSE to tell me anything else, and that in and of itself is weird and shady . . . and yet all too familiar. To tell the entire truth, I feel kind of bad for the position they ended up in. There are quite a number of crackpot organizations out there (along with individual crackpots) who make a huge and concerted effort to take books away from you. Here’s one of the more prominent ones, which calls itself PABBIS (Parents Against Bad Books in Schools . . . you gotta love it). This little army of loonytunes wants to make sure that books like The Catcher in the Rye, One Hundred Years of Solitude, Beloved, Looking for Alaska, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Slaughterhouse Five, In Cold Blood, and The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole (along with many, many others) are immediately taken out of schools.
PABBIS has not yet gotten to The Bermudez Triangle, but I am sure this is because they just haven’t noticed it. Maybe they are too busy building bonfires or trying to contact their Home Planet.
But you know what? Just because crackpots are giving you a hard time doesn’t mean that you should rip the books from the shelves, lie your faces off, demote librarians, and curl into a fetal position when confronted.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, guys. I really am. I’m sorry that there are so many paranoid chowderheads out there who are afraid of ideas and books and knowledge and People From Outside.
But to prevent making even more paranoid chowderheads who are afraid of books and ideas and knowledge and People From Outside . . . we need EDUCATION. We need you to protect the schools. Many Americans are getting narrower and weirder as the world is getting more and more interconnected and fabulous. That’s just not going to work. Fear of Everything is not a viable way of living*. Instead of banning books, we should be getting together and working toward new ways of saving the planet, collecting shiny things, and getting me a Vespa.
Rant over. The bottom line next step is: I need to get the committee to just tell me what they recommended. Obviously, this is a secret, and I need to crack it.
I was so busy writing about Bartlesville, that I didn’t get you all up to date on the many things I need to tell you. So let’s do that.
WHERE ARE YOU THIS WEEK? AND WHERE IS FREE MONKEY?
As of tomorrow, I’ll be in GEORGIA. Come and see me in Decatur at Little Shop of Stories on Tuesday at 6:30. You can also see me at the Alpharetta Barnes and Noble on Thursday at 6:00. If you know people in Georgia, get them out there! (Especially if they make peach pie. I would really like some peach pie.)
I will otherwise be at the home of Betty Vox, writing away. Betty has three dogs, so I will have lots of furry company.
As for FREE MONKEY, he’s left for his World Tour! At least, the American leg. (International tour friends—your letters are coming soon.) His first stop is in Los Angeles to visit YA superblogger Little Willow. As soon as I have a report from him, it will be posted here!
YOU SAID YOU HAD NEWS. WHAT IS THIS NEWS YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US?
There are actually two things.
The first is about the Extremely New Book That Is Not Girl At Sea . . . in other words, the one I am writing. There have been many developments on this front.
Like I have said before, I love all my books, but I am REALLY, DEEPLY EXCITED about this one. This is my first book for Scholastic. (True story: when my deal was being negotiated, I requested that a line be written in saying that I would get a copy of Harry Potter VII immediately upon release.)
First, it officially has a title. It is called Suite Scarlett (the original title was Empire Suite), and it will be coming out in May, ’08. I am about to start a major revision on it. The cover was shot the other day. I had unprecedented input into the process this time, and guess what? THERE WILL BE NO HEADLESS GIRL. I’ve seen the sketches, the location, and the model. The location was carefully chosen to reflect the setting of the book, which is an Art Deco hotel in New York.
This is all very, very good.
Most of this summer will be spent finishing Suite Scarlett, so expect lots of posts about writing again.
The other very exciting piece of news that just happened is that I will be collaborating on a holiday book with John Green and the amazing Lauren Myracle. John and I have been talking about this a lot, but we couldn’t say anything until it was all a done deal. And now it is. It will be coming out for the holidays in ’08. I’m obviously thrilled to be working with someone like Lauren, and to get to work with my fake brother John.
GIVING AWAY OF THINGS
Last week, I promised to give away a book to whoever would make an internet fuss over Girl At Sea. A book is going out to first responder Katie Jarzombek, who dropped everything and went to her blog.
Meanwhile, if you requested a Girl At Sea card and it hasn’t come yet, it should be appearing pretty much any second. I’m signing cards until the end of June (or until I run out of cards, or just fall over at my desk with a loud THUMP), so if you want one, write in and let me know!
I said before that I was in a book-giving mood. I was just reading through the comments, when I saw this:
jas said... I'm a little broke right now, and I haven't had time to go to a bookstore, so I'm patiently waiting for my chance to win a book. I'm horrible with computer stuff, so I didn't even risk trying to "do something viral," 'cause I probably would have shorted out half the city (at best) or ended up advertising your novels as horrible (at worst). It wouldn't have been pretty. So, could you please do something for us peoples who aren't all technologically inclined? So I don't end up eating my own foot. Can't wait to read it, though.
YOUR TIME HAS COME, JAS! Send me an address! You’re getting a book!
See? You never know what’s going to happen!
I have many cool things from BEA, including these special HARRY POTTER VII BAGS. Based on what Jas has written here, I am trying to think of an exciting way to give away these bags, and more Girl At Seas. Less technological people—ideas?
I will attempt to write the MJ LIST OF THINGS TO BE AFRAID OF IN THE SUMMERTIME in the airport or the plane tomorrow.
Also, as a followup to my previous post about my difficult relationship with shoes. Many of you were extremely disturbed by the fact that I don't like to shoe shop. Well, for all of you, today I bought TWO PAIR. Here they are, for your viewing pleasure. I love them both. This is enough of an accomplishment to merit a photo. Who knows? Next, maybe I'll cut my own food! Who can say?
I kan has shuz?
* Fear of Stuff On My List extremely sensible, though.
The first article has just appeared in the local Barltesville paper about the banning, and right now, I am just the tiniest bit steamed about it. Fortunately, FREE MONKEY is here, and he talked me down a bit.
Here's the link, first of all. But you'll see I have copied almost the entire thing below. Save a click!
I hope you don’t mind a tiny bit of running commentary with both me and FREE MONKEY. Here we go. (I apologize in advance for my behavior. I have since sat down with a cup of calming tea.)
[ALSO: I HAVE UPDATED THIS AT THE BOTTOM WITH AN AMAZING PIECE OF NEWS. IF NOTHING ELSE, PLEASE SCROLL TO THAT.]
Blogs across the country were buzzing about Bartlesville last week after word got out that a book had been banned from the Bartlesville Mid-High Library shelves.
The banning of the book was allegedly a rumor because Bartlesville Public Schools Community Relations Coordinator David Austin says no decision had been made to ban the book.
ME: I contest this fact. I stand by my story that the decision was made. I have lots of people in the know who telling me so.
FREE MONKEY: The Bartlesville team.
But Maureen Johnson, the author of the book, “The Bermudez Triangle,” says she does not think the banning was a rumor.
“My personal opinion right now is the people that wrote in, I think that those had an impact. I think things happened because of those letters. I think they saw it’s a serious issue that people think about. I’ll be interested to know what the superintendent does,” Johnson said. She had blogged about the alleged banning, people read her blog and responded by writing letters to her and to the school district.
FREE MONKEY: I get your point, but you didn’t express yourself very well here.
ME: Look, I was doing this interview over a bad cell phone connection from the street, outside of where John Green and E. Lockhart and I were working, and there was a trash truck in a constant state of backing up and moving forward very slowly next to me the whole time. I kept trying to get away from it, but whatever way I went, there was the trash truck. Welcome to the glamorous world of phone interviews.
A committee was formed to review the book, after a challenge to the book was submitted in March by local parent Angela Rader.
FREE MONKEY: Did you know the name of the person who made the complaint?
ME: Yes. I never printed it, out of concern for her privacy. Obviously, she doesn't mind being in the paper about this.
Rader's child brought the book home and Rader read it. She complained to the Mid-High librarian and to the principal before writing a letter to school administration and filling out a form to challenge the book's inclusion in the library.
"I didn’t appreciate that it was there," Rader said, referring to the book being in the library. "I just don’t think homosexual materials belong in our schools."
Rader said the basic moral of the story is if everyone sleeps with each other to find out who they are, then they will all learn something.
Rader also submitted a petition that had 164 signatures of people who agreed with her that the book should be removed from the library.
FREE MONKEY: You look agitated.
ME:(pacing) I am agitated. I feel like I've suddenly come down with angina. FREE MONKEY: Maybe you should get me a banana.
ME: There are two parts of this that are going to do me in. The first is the part about homosexual materials not belonging in schools. That's a hateful, ignorant statement.
FREE MONKEY: She is entitled to her opinion, no matter how crass and wrongheaded.
ME: Of course she is. Thankfully, we have a social system that should shield students against this kind of bigotry. I don't mind if you’re a homophobe—just do it in your own home.
FREE MONKEY: I agree. I hate homophobia. I would really like a banana.
ME: Second, WHAT THE #&^*$*#&$^&* IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? "The basic moral of the story is that if everyone sleeps with each other to find out who they are, then they will all learn something." Can I just come out and say it now? Can I? If you really think this is what the book is saying, YOU ARE DUMB. You don’t know how to read. You are the last person who should be making any decisions on books. How do you get that from a book with no sex in it, genius?
FREE MONKEY: You are taking this personally. Take a moment to get the banana. I see that there are some rather ripe ones on the kitchen table. You need not trouble yourself with the peeling. I like the skin.
ME: And then . . . and then . . . she says that she got a petition with 164 signatures on it to have the book removed. Where did you go, lady? Was it your local chapter of MENSA, of which you simply must be a member?
FREE MONKEY vanishes for a moment in fear, and returns a few moments later with some bananas and other pieces of fruit. He finds me sitting on the sofa, breathing into a paper bag.
FREE MONKEY: This is what happens when you let this kind of thing get to you. Try a banana. They are full of potassium and other vitamins and minerals that will calm and balance your system.
ME:(eating banana) I know. But it HAS to get to us all, sometime. It seems pretty clear that not all of those 164 people read the book. I sort of doubt that there are that many copies of it in the town. And even with a book swap going on, it would take weeks to get the book around to that many people.
FREE MONKEY: There's no way they read it. Why don't you move on to the rest of the article? The next part is about you.
After hearing of her book’s alleged banning, Johnson tried to make contact with several committee members.
A committee member returned one of Johnson’s calls Friday.
"To be honest, I couldn’t get a lot of information about what was going on," Johnson said, adding that she did learn from the committee member that the book had not been banned yet.
ME: Allegedly.
FREE MONKEY: Allegedly.
ME: They banned it. Then denied it and backtracked.
FREE MONKEY: I know. I was sitting here when you were screaming about it to John Green, saying all those things that you know from people involved in the situation, but that you can't say on this blog because they might get those same people in trouble.
According to Bartlesville Public Schools Superintendent Dr. Gary W. Quinn, the committee has not yet made a recommendation. Once Quinn reads the book himself and receives the committee's recommendation, he will make the final decision whether the book will be banned or not.
ME: Wait . . . what? What do you mean the committee hasn't made a recommendation? I've spoken to one committee member. He TOLD me they made a recommendation already. I have E-MAIL PROOF.
FREE MONKEY: Let's see it.
ME: Here you go. This is from an e-mail forwarded to me by a committee member.
Dated Friday, May 4th, 2007: A committee appointed by the Superintendent met to discuss the book, and their recommendations have been forwarded to him.
FREE MONKEY: That seems pretty clear.
Me: It does. I stand by the fact that the decision was made on April 27th. People were there. It happened.
FREE MONKEY: That’s been denied.
ME: Yes. There's a word for when one thing happens, but you say another thing happens. It begins with L. I’ll bet the readers know what that word is.
FREE MONKEY: So, the committee is saying they haven't made a decision?
ME: Strangely, it appears that way. I also know, directly from the e-mail from the committee member, that he read the book "last week," meaning the week of April 30th-May 6th.
FREE MONKEY: He told you that?
ME: He sure did.
FREE MONKEY: So, he read it after the decision was made.
ME: Right.
FREE MONKEY: Does this issue really need to be this complicated?
ME: No.
FREE MONKEY: The next few paragraphs of the article are just quotes from a letter you wrote. The readers have heard you say this stuff. Then here's the end.
If someone is unhappy with the decision when it is made, Quinn says there is a process to appeal.
ME: Well, that doesn’t sound good. Know what that sounds like? that sounds like someone saying, "Look, we've been dating for a while, and I've just realized we have very different needs. But we're really good friends, and I don't want that to change."
FREE MONKEY: No matter what, someone is going to be unhappy.
ME: See, this is why I wanted to do this. This is book banning. It starts with letters and quotes like the ones you saw above from the parent, Mrs. Rader—and I’ve said what I think about those—maybe too much of what I think about those. From there, it goes to things like committees that don’t read the book. The issue often stops there, and the book is just taken from the shelf, and no one is any the wiser.
FREE MONKEY: So public policy and school materials are being influenced by letters and comments like that?
ME: YES! That’s why this is so important.
Because all the readers got involved, now everyone is spinning in place and spazzing out and making up stories and generally trying to deny and delay . . . so that this relatively small matter of one book getting pulled becomes a bureaucratic nightmare. People start acting like they are in the CIA, planning some kind of black ops mission.
FREE MONKEY: A library invasion.
ME: And now that I've heard about these 164 signatures, which was new information, I'm even more outraged. I think I feel righteous indignation coming on! Maybe a new commitment to this! I'm as sick of talking about this as everyone must be of reading about it, but if I give up and stop . . . then it all just happens. That's how book banning can sometimes be permitted to happen. People try to bore you so much and frazzle you with detail that you lose the will to go on.
FREE MONKEY: It's worth the effort. I would like one of those oranges as well, please. The peel policy still applies.
ME:(waving at the oranges) What if I could get 165 signatures from inside the town of Bartlesville, condemning this anti-American and homophobic action?
FREE MONKEY: I think that is an excellent idea. Will you keep talking in that pompous way, though?
ME: Sorry.
FREE MONKEY: And why not collect signatures from other people as well? So you could have two petitions—one from within the town, and one from outside of it?
ME: I like the way you think.
FREE MONKEY goes to computer and types for a few moments.
FREE MONKEY: Here. I have created two petitions. One is for the people of Bartlesville, and the other is for everyone else who wants to get involved.
It gives you the option of being anonymous, but if you don't mind leaving your name, that would be better.
ME: All right. You had better get back to reading those invitations for your world tour.
FREE MONKEY: You should probably go relax.
ME: Or get a stun gun.
FREE MONKEY: Let’s not go down that road again. I think you should also remind people that GIRL AT SEA is coming out in about three weeks, and that you are sending out signed cards, doing signings, and will generally being doing all kinds of things to celebrate. Also, you are going to the Nebula Awards this weekend because Devilish is up for the Andre Norton Award.
ME: Everyone should have a monkey.
FREE MONKEY: This is true. Now give me your Diet Coke. I have worked up a thirst from all of this talking.
UPDATE: I just got a call from Bartlesville. (Again, I'm somewhat obliged not to say who I just spoke to, but please trust me when I say that it was a trustworthy and non-biased source.) I have just heard the most amazing piece of this story to date.
The person on the phone tried to get to the bottom of this "did they send in the recommendation or not" issue. The PR person said yes. The superintendent said no.
Well, except the committee did send it in. And then they had to pull it back and re-submit it.
Why, friends?
BECAUSE THE COMMITTEE REALIZED THAT THEY ACCIDENTALLY LEFT OUT THE STEP WHERE THEY HAVE TO LET THE PUBLIC KNOW ABOUT THE CHALLENGE AND WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
Yes. You read that right. They DID submit it. When they said it hadn't been submitted, it was because they had to pull it back in because they had forgotten the part where they had to tell everyone so the public could weigh in.
Whoops.
This is the most telling part of this entire story, and the worst excuse I've ever heard. I told you the story stood. Thank you for your support and belief, and for GETTING THE MESSAGE THROUGH! Without your letters, none of this would have happened.
It's a Scooby Doo moment!
They would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids!
I had started writing a post for today, which was all about my experience trying to buy a video camera so that I can begin my role as John and Hank Green’s secret sister . . . and believe me, it was quite the tale. But all of that is being pushed to the side because of this e-mail I just received from Ninja Librarian Susan Hunt of the Bartlesville, Oklahoma school district:
For the past several weeks a committee headed by Mrs. Janet Vernon, Executive Director of Secondary Instruction for Bartlesville Public Schools, has been reconsidering the YA novel The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson. A challenge to the book was submitted to the school board on March 4, 2007. Yesterday, the Mid-High Principal and I appeared before the committee at 10:45. By 2:00 this afternoon, I was informed by [a BHS librarian and committee member] that the decision has been made to pull the book from the Mid-High library.
Well, well, well. Looks like I went and got myself banned! Apparently I have written something so dangerous that it can’t be contained on the shelf of a high school library.
Now, if you’d said that FREE MONKEY couldn’t be contained in a high school library, you’d have a point. But my book? Really? Ninja Librarian Susan says that she has been working in this school for around 19 years, and this is the first objection that has ever been raised there.
For those of you who don’t know it (which is going to be a lot of you), The Bermudez Triangle is about three girls, all incredibly close friends, and what happens when one of them goes away for the summer and the other two begin a relationship. The story is really about what happens to friendship when you start dating. That two of the characters are female and dating is not the entire focus of the book, but it is a fun chunk of it. There is no sex in the book. There is kissing. And a lot of studying and student counsel meetings and working in chain restaurants.
I was permitted to see the objection that caused this to happen, and it sort of took my breath away. Even Free Monkey got quiet for a moment, and it wasn’t his usual thoughtful quiet. One parent saw the book, and this is what she had to say in a letter to the school. I’ve reprinted the entire text as it was given to me, removing only the names:
I’m shocked and appalled at the lack of discretion, and moral decline in the selection of books at the Mid-High library. Homosexual content, unprotected sex, underage drinking, and reckless promiscuity are not values that belong in a school library. I understand there are parents or teens who are dealing with these issues, but not all parents want their kids exposed to this material. Personally, I would not endorse any of these types of book as “14-and-15-year-old-friendly.” Giving teenagers knowledge without guidance is irresponsible and dangerous. As a parent, I screen my 15-year-old’s television, Internet, video game, magazines, and books. There are things she’s not mature enough to handle, or are simply wrong for her. Parents are a child’s best line of defense in a world that rushes to grow them up too soon. This book, “The Bermudez Triangle” has no moral fiber, and wrongly promotes a “do whomever you want to discover yourself” mentality. There’s no mention of the myriad of diseases, pregnancy, destruction of friendships and lives that are very real consequences of a “sexual free-for-all” decision. I ask that his material be removed at once. You have a responsibility to the children at school to protect them and educate them. Let’s raise the bar a little higher, respect moral values and a parent’s right to guard that which has been entrusted to their care.
YOWZA! This is the most badass I have ever felt! I think . . . I think I like it!
No moral fiber? Really? I beg to differ. The book is entirely about what happens to friendships when relationships enter the picture. That is, in fact, the whole book. Since there is no sex in it (just some kissing), pregnancy is not really an issue. I would have brought it up if there had been. Maybe the writer of this letter does not know how babies are made. She could probably use a book on the subject.
The idea that Bermudez is a “sexual free for all” is a joke. My mother read Bermudez—the same mother who wouldn’t let me wear denim skirts and who still tells me the stork brought me—and said, “I can’t see why anyone would object to this book.”
I’ll move on to the form that went with this (called a Citizen’s Request for Removal of Instructional Materials, which is a scary sounding form right there), the one that prompted the removal. I got a scanned copy of the handwritten note, so I couldn’t make it all out. Here are the highlights:
Q: To what material do you object?
A: Homosexual content, unsuitable for children (pages 105 and 363), and underage drinking
I was immediately tantalized by the prospect of “unsuitable content,” and had to go look up those pages. I was left baffled. They aren’t even kissing pages. They’re just people talking.
As for the other concerns . . . sadly, it was what I was expecting. I was really hoping that there was going to be some really creative objection, like that I was discriminating against Bennigan’s. (P.J. Mortimer’s, the restaurant that Avery and Mel work at, is a direct mockery of this chain and its fake Irish food.) I would have been interested in reading a spirited defense of the Blooming Onion. Instead, it sounds like garden variety homophobia.
DID YOU KNOW: that the blooming onion is not actually Australian? And that it is Spike's (of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) favorite snack, aside from kittens? Sadly, the letter mentions none of these facts.
Q: In place of this material, would you recommend other material which you consider to be of superior quality?
A: I recommend a Bible, or other morally + ethically sound material.
I think there should be Bibles in libraries, for sure. But I think there should be other books too, you know, for variety. That’s what makes it a library, as opposed to a Bible repository. It’s part of being . . . oh what’s the term I’m searching for . . . oh right. A democratic society, with freedom of belief.
Look, I’m not saying The Bermudez Triangle is the greatest book ever written. It’s not. I happen to like it, but if you don’t, it’s okay. If you want to criticize the writing, by all means do so. I can take it. Maybe I’ll even learn something. But this single person is trying to get it removed simply because it talks about homosexuality. Forget the sex thing. There isn’t any.
I happen to find homophobia shocking and appalling. I think it is morally corrupt. I would like to see it removed. Where is my form?
And from this, a committee was called. People had to go and defend the book because of this form and letter. And they lost the effort. The committee decided this objection made sense. I'd laugh if it wasn't so alarming.
I think that book banning is like mold. You have to stop it before it takes over and contaminates everything. So here is what I plan on doing:
1. First, I’ll be taking a note from the excellent Chris Crutcher and sending a whole bunch of Bermudezes to the local public library in this area. I’ll send some Devilishes as well, just to keep up the theme of evil.
2. I’m going to try to find out exactly who was on this committee, and see if I can talk to them about why they thought it was a good idea to remove Bermudez from their shelves. Let's chat, people. If you happen to see this, I invite you to get in touch.
Also, make sure to have a look at As If!--Author's Supporting Intellectual Freedom. I'm a member, along with many other excellent writers. The lead post right now about the two girls kissing . . . it ties into this sadly well. How do we stop this nonsense?
Free Monkey agrees: Let’s raise the bar a little higher. Please chime in with your ideas--about book banning, what video camera I should buy, the blooming onion, and FREEDOM! Or anything else. I won't object.
My friends the movie people have made this wonderful graphic, which pretty much sums up what I am thinking.
UPDATE: read the continuing adventures of the Bartlesville showdown here.
