ASK MJ: THE WEEPING LOVE OF GERMANS

CeCe asks: You are at a stop sign. Do you go right, or left?

I go STRAIGHT UP.

pugnacioun asks: MJ, I have two questions today: First, and shortest, how do you prefer people who follow your blog but do not personally know you address you? MJ, Maureen, Ms. Johnson, Queen of Sparkles? Second, and more verbose, there is a boy in my German class. I am quite enamored with him - however, I have no experience in the ways of love. I think there is potential here, but I have no idea how to tap into it. Can you help me?

1. I answer to anything. But I DO like the idea of having a title.

2. Of course I can help you. I have experience both in LOVE and in GERMAN CLASS. German, of course, is the language of love, and love born in a German class (or “jugendliche Liebe gebürtiger Germanclass”) is among the most precious forms.

I first learned this from many hundreds of hours of staring at my German textbooks, which were created by some complete maniacs in the 1970s and never updated, which largely featured depressive people weeping and playing guitars in their rooms, waiting by telephones in lederhosen for calls that never came, and going to discos where they would be forsaken (“verlassen”) by everyone they met.

This went against everything I understood about the Germans. Granted, I had learned everything I knew about the Germans from this video*:



Which doesn’t involve any weeping or being forsaken at all! Then I realized that this video was about Mozart, who was Austrian. The Austrians, from what I can tell, eat delicious pastries and write sonatas all day long. But they don’t teach Austrian class, now do they? No, we were stuck with Hans and Gisela, who just cried and strummed and wandered the streets in suicidal loops all day, occasionally stopping to buy some veal cutlets or play football. But they always did it totally alone (“ganz allein”).

Oh sure, every once in a while they would manage to ensnare someone equally miserable, and they would go out to the local café for a sausage (“Wurst”) and the soup of the day (“Tagessuppe”), but they would immediately start discussing the fact that there is no point to anything and drive each other to despair (“zur Verzweiflung treiben”). Which led directly back to more lederhosen-wearing, phone-call-waiting, guitar-playing, and weeping. “Was wird aus mir?” (“What will become of me?”) they would often cry. “Es ist immer so!” (“It’s always this way!”)

That being said, pugnacioun, I would Facebook friend him and take it from there!

Mush asks: My question is probably one you get all the time, but during your time playing Amy Gardner on West Wing, who was your favourite cast member? What? You're NOT Mary-Louise Parker? Well can she play you in the movie of your life maybe? I think she may be your long lost twin.

I used to get Selma Blair a lot. Now I’m getting Mary-Louise Parker. I always aspired to look like this, so I’m clearly way off base. Perhaps we can take a vote, just to get this issue settled once and for all. Mary-Louise Parker, Selma Blair, or [fill in other person here]?

JEM asks: are you ever planning on writing any sequels?

I already have. Scarlett Fever, the sequel to Suite Scarlett, is already done. And then, there will be a sequel to THAT, which I have JUST STARTED. As for my other books . . . *looks from side to side mysteriously* I cannot confirm or deny anything AT THIS TIME.

Karen asks: If you had to design the covers of your own books, what would they look like?

Like they had been created by focus groups of small children on painkillers. That’s if I made the cover at all. I have long been advocating covering my books in brown paper bag material with just the name of the book stamped on the front, and three crayons attached that you could use to draw your own and then eat when you were finished.

Gabby asks: Have you ever used your Poetic License to make up a word, besides beda?

Yes. I say “whycome” a lot. As in “Whycome have I no bananas?” My ultimate dream is to have my own point-counterpoint television show called “Whycome?/Whycome Not?”

Chris asks: Are you working on a new book? Please explain.

Yes, I am working on Scarlett 3 and one other book, but MOSTLY Scarlett 3. The reason for this is because Scarlett 3 comes after Scarlett 2, which is now complete.

Lindsay asks: MY question is, now that you're already trapezing, what (if anything) are you going to do for us if Scarlett becomes a bestseller?

I’ll take suggestions on this one, and if Scarlett DOES become a bestseller, then I will complete ONE of them.

Teyrn asks: Maureen, will you ever learn?!

It seems doubtful.

Joe Friedl asks: Maureen Johnson, how do I get Maureen Johnson to like me?

Just by BEING YOU. Also, buying my book, giving me shiny objects, and killing off all my other friends so I am left with you as the only option . . . all viable tactics.

Allison Taylor asks: Is Zac Effron still eating hamsters (about to go see 17 again)?

I’ve seen no evidence to the contrary. I think we’re going to have to assume that Zac is out there, stuffing as many hamsters into his mouth as possible. I think this is particularly true as he transitions into more mature roles and slips out of his High School Musical comfort zone. The pressure will probably drive him to dark places, places where hamsters get eaten in the dark of night, leaving empty wheels and unoccupied piles of shredded paper.

I’ll tell you who DOESN’T eat hamsters, though . . . Rob Pattinson. Not many people know this, but Rob dedicates much of his spare time to saving wayward hamsters and rehabilitating them in a clinic HE FUNDS WITH HIS OWN MONEY. He wasn’t even going to take the Twilight job because he thought it would take too much time away from his hamsters (which he refers to as his “brothers and sisters of the tiny wheel”). It took a lot of convincing to get him to do the movie, and even then, it was only so he could open up more homes for wayward hamsters. I’m not saying Zac is bad and Rob is good—I just want to talk about this, because it bothers me that not enough people know this is going on.

You’re wondering where I heard this. Well, I can tell you that I have befriended the awesome Isabelle Adams, author of Eternally Yours: The Unauthorized Biography of Robert Pattinson. I’m not saying she TOLD me this. Maybe it’s just something I inferred from our conversation. You get what I’m saying?

Because Isabelle and I are good friends, she’s offered a signed copy or two of her book to be given out on this blog. And I’m going to give one out today (again, both on Blogspot and on the Ning) to a random commenter who leaves a question. I have never given out someone else’s book on my blog before, so you know this is special. I can tell you it is one exciting read, and offers MANY PAGES of color pictures of Rob’s hair! Quick! Get your questions in NOW!!!! Get your Rob Pattison fans over here because this is a ONE TIME OFFER!




* I used to be able to this entire rap in German along with the song, but have lost the ability. It seems like something I should work on.