MJ’S LOW-PRICE GIFT GUIDE

As you know, I am an expert on all things Cheer-related, so I am kicking off my annual Cheer Blogs, in which I help YOU solve your holiday conundrums. Recently, many of you have been asking for help buying gifts—specifically, gifts that don’t cost too much.

I know it's bad to encourage commercialism and of course the MAIN thing you should be buying is BOOKS, preferably from your local independent bookseller. But okay. I know some people don't want books, or you have to get something BESIDES books. So I have assembled this list of things you can buy for $5-30, most of which I own and can vouch for.

FLIP AND TUMBLE REUSABLE SHOPPING BAGS, $7-9

These bags are awesome. I first saw them at Scott Westerfeld and Justine Larbalestier’s house. They own a half dozen or so. Now, so do I, and I go nowhere without them. They are super durable and fold up into this awesome little ball you can chuck at people’s heads. You just keep one or two in your bag or suitcase and you won’t need any plastic bags at all! Good for the environment, good for you.



A small family of Flip and Tumble bags, waiting for adoption.

HARMONICA, $5-25

I was amazed to discover one day that I had a drawer full of harmonicas. And when I say “full of harmonicas,” I mean that there were two of them. But that is more harmonicas than I was expecting to find. And they are NICE harmonicas, too. They are “professional quality.” So I pulled out one of the harmonicas and IMMEDIATELY played “Happy Days Are Here Again” on it. Like, literally! I never knew I could play the harmonica! Harmonicas are awesome, and an excellent gift for those times when you first start dating someone and you aren’t sure what you “are” yet and you don’t want to freak them out by giving them a piece of jewelry or a vial of your own blood or something like that that just radiates COMMITMENT. Harmonicas are also great gifts for people who really hate their roommates, or for anyone who has a mustache. I think you will find they are RIGHT in many circumstances.



The little black dress of gifts

MAGNETIC JOURNALS, $10-30

I buy a lot of journals. I don’t know why. I don’t usually write that much in them. But I buy them like a maniac and I’ve taken a real shine to this brand, which makes beautiful ones with great bindings and a handy magnetic clasp to keep them closed and tidy. The bonus part of this is that you can sit and flick the clasp closed over and over. It makes this awesome snick, snick, snick noise that will annoy others but somehow really helps you think. Or at least look like you are thinking. And that is what matters.



I own this one. Snick. Snick. Snick.


FIRE EXTINGUISHER, $10-25

Everyone should own a fire extinguisher. It’s a gift that says you care. It’s best given with a word of loving caution and a deep, unblinking stare. Say something like, “You never know when a fire could break out.” Or, “You’d be amazed at how many things burn.”



Things burn, you know.

TREE CANDLE, $11-26

Listen to me, and believe me . . . I am OBSESSED with good holiday candles. Every year I go around to ever shop like some kind of deranged bloodhound, sniffing. I sniff and sniff. And I am not easily satisfied. But let me tell you something . . . this candle smells like a frickin’ tree. I bought five of them, and I’m going to buy more. You probably know someone who wants a frickin’ candle. Get them this frickin’ candle. That is all.



"It smells like a frickin' tree." - Maureen Johnson, author, so-called interesting person on Twitter

PLATES OF WORRY, $10-15

There’s a store called Fishs Eddy here in New York that just makes awesome weird stuff. I shop there a lot. If you are in NYC, you should, because they have cool crap like mugs with the least-famous presidents on them, or drinking glasses with striptese dancers on them, or big piles of flatware for cheap, and they also have a large assortment of antique disembodied ceramic arms. I am really taken with these plates, which have all kinds of demotivational messages written around the edges, like, “It’s hard to be around you when you eat like this” and “For the love of god stop eating.” They are good, strudy plates too, so you can really fill them up! (This store also has totally awesome scissors too, if you are into scissors.)




URBAN DECAY EYESHADHOW PRIMER POTION, $17

So when I was out the other day at the makeup store (the same day I bought the vibrating makeup that keeps breaking and vibrating in my bathroom sink) the saleslady said to me, “You should buy this stuff.” And I said, “What is it?” And she said it is a POTION that keeps your eye makeup on. Now, if you have ever worn eye makeup, you will know that it can rub off and be annoying, and clearly I was in the mood that day to be convinced so I took it. I don’t know what is in this stuff—magic, or uranium, or glue or something—but it totally works. A good gift for people who wear makeup, and a lot better than a stupid vibrating sponge.



Now with NEW WAND

GAP SLIPPER BOOTIES, $25

I own a pair of these in white. They’re nice. I originally bought them because they looked warm and comfy and I thought they would be great to wear on writing days at home. I have discovered their other advantages. Like if you live above a crazy person who sends security after you if you close your windows, or attacks your cable guy while he is installing your Verison FIOS, or calls the apartment complex’s carpet police to say you don’t have enough carpeting even though you totally do and in fact went and bought thousands of dollars worth of deep-pile shag rugs to shut her up but nothing you do will satisfy her, nothing, so you essentially carpet your feet but still that isn’t enough! Anyway, these slipper booties are great for that! Also, you can wear them to walk home from the emergency room at 4am after you have a reaction to medication and you are so ashamed that an ambulance had to drive you ACROSS THE STREET that you go home on foot, which is fine because you are ACROSS THE STREET.



Cozy!

MINI HELICOPTER, $30

I don’t own one of these yet, but you better believe I mean to. Because . . . mini helicopter. There is nothing a right-thinking person can’t do with one of these babies. Check out this sweet video:



See what I mean? Don’t you just want to cover that thing in post-it notes and fly them into unsuspecting people’s heads? I mean, that is what I am going to do with it, when I eventually get one.

Have CHEER-related questions.? Hit me. I am here, ready to help.

AMAZON REVIEWS II: TRAVELS WITH AMAZON

I went on to Amazon to order a book before I left for England the other night. I already knew that Amazon was kind of, well, challenged. It’s always suggesting things in the “Just for you!” box that I couldn’t possibly want to buy, like tap shoes and bagpipes. But Amazon has outdone itself! This is what it had chosen for me:



Yes, it’s a set of four Canopic jars, the hottest gift of 2007. Make that 2007 BC. I think that is the last time anyone really needed a Canopic jar.

In case you don’t know what Canopic jars are (and I do, because I am an Ancient Egypt Nerd Fighter, something you’ll definitely notice if you read Girl At Sea) . . . Canopic jars were ceremonial jars used during the mummification process to store internal organs. These are the jars your liver, stomach, intestines, and lungs went in.

That these jars exist is annoying to me. I think this may be one of those signs that we officially have enough stuff in the world. But that Amazon picked this for me actually made me a little angry. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not like every object in the New York office is a paragon of good taste. There was just something about this that felt like a personal attack.

What astonished me more than the jars themselves was the review that went with them. I have already discussed the varying quality of Amazon reviews for books, but this is another matter entirely, which is why I have no problem at all copying and commenting on them. If you buy Canopic jars and write about it, it’s open season.

The jars got very bad reviews, as it turns out.

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
Terrible!, April 9, 2006
I cannot believe that I bought these. I agree with the former reviewer that these are not quality-looking at all. This does look like it came out of the dollar store and I have been looking for a place to put them and they look good NOWHERE! I am either going to give them away or just throw them away. They are embarrassing to have around the house and take away from any sophisticated decor that you may have.

I really can’t believe you bought these either . . . and then came on Amazon to complain. If I bought these, you had better believe I would be quiet about it. I would buy them under an assumed name and have them sent to the house of one of my sworn enemies. I would pick them up wearing a ski mask while driving a rented car. With a stolen license from a different state.

But, Reviewer, you did buy them . . . and now you’re shocked that they don’t look good in your house? What else do you have in your house that made you think these would blend in? You say it is “sophisticated décor,” and I don’t want to doubt you, but I am having a hard time getting my head around that idea. (Unless, of course, you live in a pyramid.)

Whatever you do, Reviewer, don’t give them away. These jars are a certifiable friendship-killer. Unless you have a friend or acquaintance you’ve been wanting to unload—in which case, these are just the thing. They also make a good threat. I just threatened to get these for Daphne for her wedding.

I guess what bothers me more is that 20 OTHER PEOPLE stopped and thought this decision over and took your advice.

Another dissatisfied review points out:

They look better in the images here than they do in person. I was very disappointed by their size and quality. They are not 4 inches tall they are more like 3 inches. Very tiny and not worth 25.00.

Once I got over the fact that this Reviewer was drawn in by this picture, I got into his or her message. I can see why you might be annoyed—you’re not going to get anyone’s lungs into a 3 inch jar. Believe me, I’ve tried.

If you really like Ancient Egypt that much, why don’t you get something like this, also available on Amazon for much less than $25.



Celebrate your love of King Tut with a street sign.

I did a little Amazon dumpster diving to see what else I could find for these dissatisfied folk, and I think I have some winners. For only $17, you can get this fantastic statue of a dachshund dressed as a ladybug.



Two species, one statue. Delicious together.

If you’re willing to go as high as $40, and I think you might be, maybe I can interest you in this fantastic German shepherd peeing on a fire hydrant?



Worth the extra $15.

Dogs not your thing? Want to stay classical? I understand. What you need, then, is something that blends form and function, and this is just that thing, a bargain at $35:



It’s time to get classy!

How about really classical? I’ve been threatening to buy this for Justine Larbalestier for about three weeks.



Not only is this beautiful, but it has a touch-on, touch-off feature.

Amazon has some great offerings, but I want to see useless and insane things in person, which is why THE GREAT HARODS CAPER is on. It will happen on Saturday, when Daphne arrives in London. I’ve been compiling all of your suggestions for what we should do in Harrods into one long list. Please keep sending them! They are fantastic. On Friday night, probably over a large glass of wine, I will pare the down and set the challenge.

If you plan on being at Harrods around 3PM on Saturday, feel free to make yourself one of the objects we have to find!