THE GREAT HARRODS CAPER

Well, friends, it is done. We completed the Great Harrods Caper. The event was recorded on video, and edited together with questionable results.
Daphne and I followed the list, after a fashion. I think we found the most expensive item in the store. We also found the oldest (the fish you will see on the wall are 50 million year old fossils).

What you'll notice most, I think, is the preponderance of live animals.

Also, I learn an important lesson about gambling.

I should also point out that I am still in England, sitting here comfortably, and not (as I would have been) packing my bag and getting out my passport. This is because I seem to have the ability to attract storms whenever I fly home anymore. As much as I enjoyed sleeping on the conveyor belt all night at JFK the last time I flew home, I decided to skip it.

So, I'll be reporting from here for the next few days. Until then . . . here you go. 13 Little Blue Envelopes fans, here is your virtual visit to England’s most famous store, home of Richard Murphy.

(I have just put up a slightly higher quality version, so it may take a moment for youtube to catch up. Please come back in a few minutes if it doesn't play.)

24 HOURS TO GO

I asked, and you answered.

Right now, Daphne is zipping up her suitcase in New York. Then, after spending a few hours attending to important agently business at Unfeasible Enterprises, she will board a fast jet and hurl herself across the Atlantic in my direction.

And then, the Great Harrods Caper begins.



Caper Central

I have probably mentioned that Daphne and I lived in London together after we graduated from college. We spent a long, hot summer here, during which we were Extremely Broke. I mean, living on change, eating cereal as a form of nightly entertainment, breaking in to our own apartment by climbing over trash cans, saving up to go to Pizza Hut kind of broke. When things got better and we were only Somewhat Broke, we spent a lot of time hanging out at each other’s places of work. I worked at a pub, so Daphne logged a remarkable number of hours there, and she worked at a major West End theater in the management office, so on occasion we got to crash big theater parties, where we would quickly eat all of the snacks and drink all of the drinks before the actual famous people showed up. Boy, did we impress them when they got there.

Things are different now, friends. We can buy snacks.

I am now armed with a video camera (Oscar’s, of course). I have a cup of tea next to me, nice and hot. And I am making the final list for the Great Harrods Caper, which starts in 24 hours. You wrote in with so many good suggestions that I am starting to think you all work at NASA, such is the quality of your thoughts.

One of the reasons I am doing this challenge is that Harrods plays a huge role in 13 Little Blue Envelopes, and this would both fascinate and horrify Keith. Harrods is BIG. It has 7 floors, 28 restaurants, and its own casino, bank, and airline. There are a handful of stores in the world that are bigger (including Macy’s in NYC), but none, I would argue, are as confusing and bizarre as Harrods, which has departments hidden inside of departments, and freely mixes up pianos with swimsuits and pet supplies.

So, tomorrow, I will meet Daphne at her London hotel, and then we will proceed to Harrods at around 2 in the afternoon. We will begin with a drink in one of the 28 restaurants, during which we will come up with our battle plan to tackle the following:

Ride every single escalator/elevator and going on every staircase

Find the cheapest and most expensive items you can

Find the weirdest thing with a Harrods label

Collect as much loose change as you can find and tally it up

Get a photo of you hiding inside a display tent

Find a friend for FREE MONKEY

Find the absolute ugliest dress in the store.

Find a stun gun (they don’t sell them in England, as far as I know, but I can try to find something close)

Find a Vespa

Find all 28 restaurants

Find the creepiest looking doll in the toy department

Find a trampoline

Find a Canopic jar

Daphne quickly latched on to the “go to the wedding dress department.” This is now as dangerous as taking Daphne to the shoe department. I’m kind of afraid that the Caper will come to a grinding halt the minute Daphne sees those poofy white dresses. She will go very still, her eyes will dilate, her lips will quiver. I will see a little flash and feel myself falling backwards as she propels forward, and that will be that. So I think we might have separate challenges here. She’ll try to find the dresses, and I will try to hide the entire department.

I don’t exactly know how this will all go down—all I know is that it will be recorded and put here for your examination and comment.

Along with your suggestions, some of you also let me know about some other important issues.

sarah said...
I have a doll that looks like she could kill me. That's why I worship her and stuff...you know, keep her satisfied. Maybe then she will wake up in the middle of the night and strangle my enemies. Or at least sit on their faces or something so they wake up screaming.

And here it is:



Believe it or not, this is the same doll that Daphne uses on me when I am late on my deadlines. I wake up to find this sitting on the foot of my bed. So here’s a top writing tip from mj: NEVER GIVE YOUR AGENT KEYS TO YOUR HOUSE.

kiersten said...
why does justine hate unicorns so much? i dont like them either but she absolutly HATES them. (or so it seems on her blog.)

No one knows. But you know what? Justine and Scott are off at the Texas Library Association conference right now, and she’s not updating her blog. This is a GREAT opportunity to sneak in there and FILL her comments section with unicorn-related remarks. Just an idea.

nuwon wearspants said...
I love reading your blog. If there was a Blog Award of The Year, you'd win. <3 - I write without pants.

Excellent!

kiersten said...
i also saw free monkey on john green's blog. free monkey stole the show.

Didn’t he? He’s like that everywhere he goes. And he will be coming tomorrow.

Please leave any last minute requests, wishes, complaints, and other remarks in the comments.

AMAZON REVIEWS II: TRAVELS WITH AMAZON

I went on to Amazon to order a book before I left for England the other night. I already knew that Amazon was kind of, well, challenged. It’s always suggesting things in the “Just for you!” box that I couldn’t possibly want to buy, like tap shoes and bagpipes. But Amazon has outdone itself! This is what it had chosen for me:



Yes, it’s a set of four Canopic jars, the hottest gift of 2007. Make that 2007 BC. I think that is the last time anyone really needed a Canopic jar.

In case you don’t know what Canopic jars are (and I do, because I am an Ancient Egypt Nerd Fighter, something you’ll definitely notice if you read Girl At Sea) . . . Canopic jars were ceremonial jars used during the mummification process to store internal organs. These are the jars your liver, stomach, intestines, and lungs went in.

That these jars exist is annoying to me. I think this may be one of those signs that we officially have enough stuff in the world. But that Amazon picked this for me actually made me a little angry. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not like every object in the New York office is a paragon of good taste. There was just something about this that felt like a personal attack.

What astonished me more than the jars themselves was the review that went with them. I have already discussed the varying quality of Amazon reviews for books, but this is another matter entirely, which is why I have no problem at all copying and commenting on them. If you buy Canopic jars and write about it, it’s open season.

The jars got very bad reviews, as it turns out.

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
Terrible!, April 9, 2006
I cannot believe that I bought these. I agree with the former reviewer that these are not quality-looking at all. This does look like it came out of the dollar store and I have been looking for a place to put them and they look good NOWHERE! I am either going to give them away or just throw them away. They are embarrassing to have around the house and take away from any sophisticated decor that you may have.

I really can’t believe you bought these either . . . and then came on Amazon to complain. If I bought these, you had better believe I would be quiet about it. I would buy them under an assumed name and have them sent to the house of one of my sworn enemies. I would pick them up wearing a ski mask while driving a rented car. With a stolen license from a different state.

But, Reviewer, you did buy them . . . and now you’re shocked that they don’t look good in your house? What else do you have in your house that made you think these would blend in? You say it is “sophisticated décor,” and I don’t want to doubt you, but I am having a hard time getting my head around that idea. (Unless, of course, you live in a pyramid.)

Whatever you do, Reviewer, don’t give them away. These jars are a certifiable friendship-killer. Unless you have a friend or acquaintance you’ve been wanting to unload—in which case, these are just the thing. They also make a good threat. I just threatened to get these for Daphne for her wedding.

I guess what bothers me more is that 20 OTHER PEOPLE stopped and thought this decision over and took your advice.

Another dissatisfied review points out:

They look better in the images here than they do in person. I was very disappointed by their size and quality. They are not 4 inches tall they are more like 3 inches. Very tiny and not worth 25.00.

Once I got over the fact that this Reviewer was drawn in by this picture, I got into his or her message. I can see why you might be annoyed—you’re not going to get anyone’s lungs into a 3 inch jar. Believe me, I’ve tried.

If you really like Ancient Egypt that much, why don’t you get something like this, also available on Amazon for much less than $25.



Celebrate your love of King Tut with a street sign.

I did a little Amazon dumpster diving to see what else I could find for these dissatisfied folk, and I think I have some winners. For only $17, you can get this fantastic statue of a dachshund dressed as a ladybug.



Two species, one statue. Delicious together.

If you’re willing to go as high as $40, and I think you might be, maybe I can interest you in this fantastic German shepherd peeing on a fire hydrant?



Worth the extra $15.

Dogs not your thing? Want to stay classical? I understand. What you need, then, is something that blends form and function, and this is just that thing, a bargain at $35:



It’s time to get classy!

How about really classical? I’ve been threatening to buy this for Justine Larbalestier for about three weeks.



Not only is this beautiful, but it has a touch-on, touch-off feature.

Amazon has some great offerings, but I want to see useless and insane things in person, which is why THE GREAT HARODS CAPER is on. It will happen on Saturday, when Daphne arrives in London. I’ve been compiling all of your suggestions for what we should do in Harrods into one long list. Please keep sending them! They are fantastic. On Friday night, probably over a large glass of wine, I will pare the down and set the challenge.

If you plan on being at Harrods around 3PM on Saturday, feel free to make yourself one of the objects we have to find!

WHY YOU SHOULD BE A WRITER

I am constantly amazed by you, readers. Your comments and e-mails are my favorite reading material.

Daphne is thrilled that you are sending in questions for “Ask an agent.” Keep sending them in! This is your chance to have a fancy-pants New York literary agent give you the scoop on the publishing process. And trust me, Daphne is the business. She has the dangerous-looking heels and the impressive view from her office window and everything.

Also, I have been reading your suggestions for my UK challenge with great interest. So far, I have been invited to go to Cambridge to participate in an experiment on autism, to go to the Netherlands, and to run through London with Daphne pretending to be Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. But I think the one I am leaning towards at the moment (and this is not over) is to do a scavenger hunt at Harrods. Harrods is at the center of 13 Little Blue Envelopes, after all.

But I can’t do a scavenger hunt unless I have things to look for or tasks to perform. So what I propose is this: you send in ideas for things to find and do. Harrods is a huge store, and there are plenty of opportunities to do strange things in it.

I leave this to you. There are two more days to get your ideas in for what I am now calling THE GREAT HARRODS CAPER.

Today’s mail brought something that knocked my socks off. Midshipman Tirzah has three pigs, all of which she has made official members of my Pirate Dance Camp crew! Behold, crew members, the Pirate Pigs!



Firstmate Bob, Bosun Arnold, and Captain Fred

But let’s look at a question I get a lot: “Is writing a good career?”

I often dodge and weave around this question, because it is a hard one to answer. But it should be addressed. I would never want you to think that I would avoid a topic just because it is a sticky one.

First of all, writing is not a career in the way that being an accountant or a nurse is a career. It does not have the structure, the hours, the promotions, or anything else associated with a “normal” job. You will also have to go through this conversation a lot:

SOME GUY: Hey, what do you do?

WRITER: I’m a writer.

SOME GUY: No, I mean for your real job.

WRITER: I’m a writer.

SOME GUY: No, I mean for money.

WRITER: Oh. I’m a ditchdigger.

Because you might be. Writers often take other jobs in order to make ends meet. You really shouldn’t consider writing as a career goal if making a lot of money is a priority for you. I’m not saying that writers can’t make a lot of money. I’m just saying, if it’s a requirement, become a banker or a celebutard.

People should be writers if and only if they feel that they have to write, no matter what the consequences. You’ll do it even though you may never, ever get paid for it. You will do it using whatever you have on hand. You prefer a computer or a Moleskin notebook, but you will use napkins if that’s the only thing available. You will probably write when you are supposed to be doing something else, like your German homework or your ditch digging.

I have wanted to be a writer since I was just a tiny mj, and as you can see from this old author photo, I was not the brightest kid in the world. I’m getting my picture taken in a two-foot-by-two-foot photo booth and it seems pretty clear that I can’t even spot the camera.



Look up, Maureen! No, up! Up! At the shiny thing!

I also once ran out of the house to play at my friend’s house, and it was only when I got there and saw her mom that I was informed that I had forgotten to put my pants on. So seriously, don’t base anything on my childhood dreams and desires, because you will be setting yourself up for a world of confusion.

If you are still reading now, you may have your heart set on this idea, so now I will tell you some of the career perks of the writing life.

YOU GET RESPECT

The writing life is a respectapalooza. If you say you are a writer, people will assume you are smart. As I’ve previously said, this is hardly the case, but I never correct this assumption. I get away with it because I have mastered point number nine on my how to be a writer list: I can plaster a smart look on my face for hours and never once will a deep—or even sensible—thought fire across my synapses.

Mostly, I think up sandwich combinations—that’s a big favorite thought of mine when I’m supposed to be being smart.



Reading, or sandwichizing? (Note the touching of the chin. This is key.)

WRITING IS EQUAL OPPORTUNITY

Writing is one of the few careers for which you essentially train yourself, the other two major ones being juggling and pickpocketing. A good education helps—but this is truly one of the cases where you won’t be left behind just because you didn’t go to an expensive school. It also means that people from interesting backgrounds get to work together—doctors, lawyers, ice skaters, chefs, cat burglars. They can all be writers.

Be aware, though: equal opportunity does not mean fair. Very few things are fair.

There is no board of standards to determine who can or cannot be a writer. This means that sometimes bad writers get published and amazing writers get ignored. And if a bad book (or what you think is a bad book) becomes super-successful and gets a huge movie deal and celebrities start coming to the Bad Author’s house to hang out in their tub . . . well, it’s all part of the deal.

If you are the kind of person who thrives on being recognized for your achievements—if you just live for the day when the class rank is announced because you’ve fought tooth and nail to get a 4.3 GPA instead of a normal 4.0 through a clever combination of advanced classwork, alchemy, and kissing up—well, you may find yourself in a near-constant state of frustration.

“Why is Wolves on Skates number #17 on Amazon?” you will ask. “It’s incomprehensible! The narrator DIES in the first chapter. Didn’t anyone NOTICE this?”

You'll probably end up going to some dinner, and you'll be seated next to the author of Wolves on Skates, who will tell you sordid tales of fame, like wild nights of partying at the Amazon mansion and makeout sessions with J.K. Rowling . . . as their assistant sits next to them, cutting up their food into small, triangular pieces because said author is obsessed with pyramids.

Some of these stories will be lies, but not all.



The author of Wolves on Skates may test your patience.

If you really want to be a writer, you will learn not to worry about these kinds of things any more. You will be thinking of new sandwich combinations instead.

READING IS PART OF YOUR JOB

It’s true. You can read pretty much anything you want, and it all counts. Manga. Vampire buddy novels. Phone books. Whatever you want.



The writer at work.

WRITING IS NOT PARTICULARLY DANGEROUS

I watched a show the other night called “Killer Jellyfish,” because that is exactly the kind of thing I have to watch. Did you know that there are people who are professional jellyfish researchers? And that they wade into jellyfish filled waters and pick them up and put them into buckets? In this show, two of the researchers were stung, and they were filmed as they spent the next two days in the hospital, twisting in agony as toxins invaded their system—toxins with no antidote, that produce pain so severe that not even the largest dose of morphine can even dull it?

Writers never have to do that. I mean, some of the rugged ones do it because they want to, but not this writer.



This is one example of a situation a writer is unlikely to end up in, unless they are that kind of writer.

YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT

Writers laugh at the idea of casual Friday. It’s ALWAYS casual Friday! It’s a “pants optional” profession, which is obviously good for me, considering my history.



Acceptable workwear? YES.

I leave you with that, and I hope that you will be sending in ideas for the GREAT HARRODS CAPER. I put myself in your hands.