DUDE, WHERE'S THE PIRATE PARTY?

So, I’m sitting here at my desk in New York, eating these chocolate stick things that Sarah Mlynowski gave to me earlier tonight when we were discussing the Law and Order presidential candiate situation, which obviously concerns us both, as we both dream of being dead bodies someday. (On Law and Order.) So much to catch up on!

I have promised stories from behind the videos, and I must deliver. First . . . a bit about Dragoncon.

There are many, many stories I could tell from Dragoncon. So many that it becomes hard to know where to begin—and this is maybe not the best time to be bursting with bloggy stories, as I really have to spend all of my time working on Suite Scarlett for the next two weeks. I tried to fit the essence of it into the movie, but there were dozens of day-to-day moments that really need to be remembered.

The Wonder Woman costume—which I have to admit I was a little hesitant about putting on—was actually the easiest way to blend in. I promise you, I took that thing into the bathroom when we registered, and I emerged as a member of the tribe. I was instantly accepted by the other 20,000 or so dressed up people. It was completely natural that I’d be Wonder Woman. Everyone likes Wonder Woman! I have never in my life posed for so many photographs. That’s what people do at Dragoncon—they pose. Or they ask people to pose.

I was a little shy about the first picture or two, but then I crossed the armbands . . . and I was basically off and running. Theo Black bought me that massive sword (the one I twirl so badly and that he does such an amazing job with). (Well, until he accidentally let it go and it went flying . . . but it was great until then.) (And to those of you who wondered how close I came to getting a three-foot sword in the head . . . not that close. It hit the wall a foot or two next to me. Theo felt really bad about it, but I enjoy a small amount of danger in my life.) (Very small.)

Anyway, within about an hour of arrival, I had become a pro Wonder Woman, snapping right into a pose the minute someone came over with a camera. I had developed three by the time the night was over. And then I walked back to the hotel wearing the costume—which was about five blocks, dragging my sword all the way.

This is when Holly told me I’d “gone native.” I think she meant that in a very approving way, as her own husband was walking next to me wearing a real, from-the-set Farscape costume, carrying a robot.

There were other Wonder Womans. I saw about five. One looked really good, but the others were honestly revealing WAY TOO MUCH BUTT. I don’t think you should wear any bottom bits that fit so tight that they create new skin flaps that waggle around—like you have four butt sections. I saw this, and did not like. That is not what Hera would want. I was much happier in my little sparkly skirt, and the cape was great for hiding the fact that the costume was too big and was being held in place by a dozen safety pins.

Just as we were leaving, Cassie and I were sitting in our hotel room packing up. She was reading to me from the massive program book. We discovered that there were literally about a hundred awesome things we should have gone to.

Here are just a few I have flagged:

Off the road with CHiPS: An Hour with Erik Estrada

Danger Woman! (I have no idea what this is and refuse to read the description. I prefer to imagine it.)

Building the Future: In Plastic! (ditto)

Zombie Squad: Are You Prepared? (So awesomely practical! Justine and I should have gone. We know the zombies are coming, even though the others will not listen to us.)

Finding the Evil Within (I could have lead this one.)

Is There More to Gaming than Fun? (I want to know.)

Klingon Karaoke

The 2007 Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant

There Be Pirates, Arrrr! . . . which was then followed by the Secret Room Pirate Party.

Which is sort of where Scott and I enter the story. In the video, you see some very dark footage of Scott and I at the Yule Ball. It took us forever to find the Yule Ball, because Dragoncon took over three entire hotels, so we were constantly going from building to building, crossing streets with huge platoons of Storm Troopers, wending our way through superheroes, going up and down escalators with Quidditch teams.

At the bottom of one escalator near the Yule Ball, we found one pirate all by himself, in his crushed velvet coat, his hook hand at the ready. As we approached, he asked us, “Do you guys know where the pirate party is?”

He was the loneliest pirate you ever saw. We didn’t know, unfortunately. He stood there, all by himself, looking around.

Scott was really taken with the lost pirate, and started speculating on a story called "Dude, Where's the Pirate Party?"

We arrived at the Yule Ball in time to see an entire stage full of Snapes dancing to “I’m Too Sexy,” which I have to report made us go right back upstairs to the bar. The sight was just a little more than we were ready for. As we went, we passed dozens of pirates, whole gangs of them, all with knowing looks in their eyes. They all knew where the pirate party was, obviously. We tried to find the loneliest pirate to tell him, but by then he had been picked up by some Star Trek people.

But . . . let me tell you a little bit about the making of John’s birthday video, which I am astonished to find has had over 12,500 views since going up the other week.


ME: I have an idea for John’s birthday video. We should do a dance video.

SCOTT W: (staring at me over computer) I do not dance.

JUSTINE: I do not appear on camera. But I bet Libba, Emily, Bennett, and David would do it.

One e-mail later . . . Libba, Emily, Bennett, and David all agree to do a dance video.

“It’ll be like OK Go!” said I. “Or not that coordinated! It’ll be like the Praise You video! It’ll be like both of those! Or neither! Whatever! Wear . . . clothes!”

Scott came along, though he was firm about the not dancing.

With my airtight plan in place, we all gathered at Libba’s house. When you visit Libba, even on short notice, she likes to put out a small snack. This time, she had only provided nachos, homemade guacamole, and salsa, fruit salad, hummus, nuts, bagels, two types of cake, cookies, and homemade whipped cream . . . but we had come on short notice.

David had just returned from a visit to his family’s house. He proudly produced a bag of genuine 1986-wear, from when he was thirteen. Astonishingly, it still all fit. We demanded that he keep wearing his multicolored long shorts.

The conversation as we gathered in Libba’s kitchen went something like this.

LIBBA: So, Maureen, what’s the plan?

ME: Oh, the plan is . . . (sticks as many nachos into mouth as possible)

EMILY: Do we have chorography?

ME: (nachos)

BENNETT: Yeah. What should we be wearing, anyway? Dance stuff, or . . .?

LIBBA: I was going to be insane Stevie Nicks.

DAVID: I guess I’m wearing these shorts. I don’t know what that makes me.

ME: (nachos)

SCOTT: You don’t have a plan, do you? (laughs mischievously)

ME: (nachos, indignant)

EMILY: What about a song? Do we have a song?

I plunk my iPod into the base station. The first thing that comes on is Abba, and the first song it cycles through (after the insane “Tiger,” which no one knows but me) is Mamma Mia. I point to the iPod triumphantly, start to eat nuts.

(This entire time, Scott was recording our every move with his fancy new camera. He has much more footage of this than I do. What he plans on doing with it, we may never know. Scott has many schemes.)

Having done my bit of direction, I then let Emily do the chorography. Everyone chimed in with something. We all agreed that it was important to move/climb on as many pieces of Libba’s furniture as possible. That was the most important part. I managed to slice open my knee while doing an across the floor slide (I still have a big mark—it may be a scar, a lifetime reminder of John’s birthday).

The result was about forty minutes worth of footage that iMovie barfed up on four separate occasions, making the editing process a joy! I am pleased with the result, but I promise you this . . . if anyone ever plays Mamma Mia at me ever again . . . I will punch them in the face.

The upshot to all of this is that my beloved editor Emma Lollipop has been writing me for a week, saying things like, “How’s Scarlett doing? Is she easier to make than a dance video?”

Which is fair enough, but it shows you the perils of putting things up on YouTube for all the world to see.

There is nothing but writing ahead for me for the next extended period of time. Feel free to send food. Or a Vespa. Or, as Meg Cabot pointed out, a pink stun gun. While I have advertised them freely here, she is quite correct in saying that no one has sent me one. So I have been forced to take an intermediate step.



Now, that may look like a large-barreled curling iron covered in pink lip-shaped post it notes with stuff written on them. That’s because that’s what it is. This is the best I’ve got. It will not stun you, not unless you drop it in water, but it will certainly surprise you!

I hope the makers of pink stun guns will see this and do the Right Thing.

Back to work. Expect future book-related posts! Onward, Scarlett!

THE RETURN OF THE DRAGONCREW

I’ve just gotten off the 18 hour return train journey, but almost everything you need to know is in here. I’ll be back tomorrow with a written report.



Thank you to Scott for providing so much footage. I was, of course, fighting crime much of the time.

Also, thanks to E. Lockhart for giving the scoop on the making of John’s birthday video.

CHOO CHOO

Hello, friends! I’m back in New York, having said goodbye to Oscar, cat friend, screaming old lady, J.K. Rowling, and all of my companions in the UK, and am back in the heaving steam bath that I like to call home.

By now, many of you will have seen this video, which was created for my friend John Green’s birthday. There are a lot of things to explain about that video. Like the clothes. (I wasn’t super-clear on the wardrobe issue.) Or how it even came about. (Sitting around with Scott and Justine, an e-mail, some drinks, a small buffet at Libba’s house, moving furniture, me injuring my knee, and what will almost certainly be a lifelong aversion to Mamma Mia. It’s a whole saga. Another blog, perhaps? Do you guys want the story? Respond in the comments if you do.)

I’m glad to see that many of you could relate to my feelings on revision. Even Meg Cabot chimed in! That gives me hope, because in my mind, Meg can do anything. Even fly.

The storyboard I had created on the London Office wall, the one that looked so neat and lovely there, was carefully removed and transplanted to the New York Office wall. It is not as neat here, as the wall space allotted to it is a bit on the smaller side. But now I have to pack it up again, just as soon as I got it up!

Yes—it’s Dragontrain time! Right around this time tomorrow, Scott Westerfeld, Justine Larbalestier, Holly Black, Cassie Clare, and I will all be on a full-service sleeper train, barreling down south to Atlanta.

As you may (or may not) remember, this whole thing started when we were all sitting around in Scott and Justine’s apartment at the wee small hours of the morning. (See, basically all my harebrained schemes start in that exact position.) They were talking about how much fun conventions are, and then someone said that we should all do one together, and then someone else said wouldn’t it be fun if we all took a train down instead of a plane? We all agreed that that sounded classy and civilized, unlike planes which are generally horrible and oppressive.

And then I said, “If you actually set this up, I will go in a Princess Leia/Wonder Woman outfit” because I doubted that it would happen.

Which brings us up to now.

I never welsh on a bet, friends. I have just picked up my Wonder Woman boots. I have to say, they are pretty spectacular. I have a sneaking suspicion that the company that made them specializes in stripper wear, but I have no particular problem with this. They have done a top-notch job on these boots. Hera herself would admire them!

(I will not say whether or not I am already wearing my new Wonder Woman boots. That is totally irrelevant. Let us move on.)

We are also about to test the theory that traveling 18 hours on a train is actually better than traveling 1 ½ hours on a plane.

Maybe I should clarify something, as some of you are visiting from outside the United States . . . trains are not really one of our strong points here. We do have trains. We even have a few very nice trains. But we generally don’t use trains very much in terms of longer trips, largely because it seems insane. This is a big country. It takes a long time to travel around it. I’m coming to grips with the fact that we have chosen a method of travel that will literally take 12 times as long as an airplane.

So why have we done this? What made it sound like such a good idea, round about 2 AM all those months ago? Here are the reasons, as I remember them.

1. Trains are generally fun

I really like trains, personally. I especially like trains in the UK, which seem about a million times nicer than our trains—and by “our trains,” I mean our smaller commuter lines, which generally look like castoff pieces of the trans-Siberia line, circa 1977. I have had some excellent rides on trains in the UK, like my fantastic ride from London to Scotland when I went to live in the castle for a month to write 13 Little Blue Envelopes.

(I am invariably thinking this thought, sitting there in my nice little seat, looking at the passing sheep, thinking how wonderful England is . . . and someone will throw up in the vestibule. But even this doesn’t seem that bad—and granted it is always on the midnight train back from central London. Somehow, it’s not as bad when English people barf in public. I think it may be because, unlike here (where it seems more likely that you have Rage Virus and are about to turn into a zombie), that’s just the English way of saying “We have been drinking tonight!” It’s almost kind of friendly, like you’re being invited to join the experience!)

2. Trains seem glamorous

I mean, come on! A group of writers going on tour together by taking a long, cross-country (well, it’s not cross-country, it’s just, well, south-bound, but it’s still pretty far) trip together. And there’s a dining car and a porter, and we can write, and Cassie and I are sharing a little room and we can tell each other ghost stories!


View of my expectations.


3. Unlimited luggage!

We are already planning on loading down this train something fierce. I really need to step up and start packing like I mean business. None of this “weighing your bag” or having to shove everything you are taking with you to your seat into one small piece of luggage the size of a microbe. I am bringing all my stuff. I may even bring some of your stuff. I am living the dream of travel tip number #2—because I can, can, can!

4. Excellent company

This does not come with the train. This just happens to be excellent company!

5. A chance to see the country

I wonder how many Wal-Marts I will see from the train window?

6. A chance to work without distraction

No wi-fi on the train! Nothing but me, some good writer friends, and the track rolling in front of us.

Pretty good reasons, right?

We will see how it all pans out . . .



Another view of my expectations.

In any case, I have promised videos, and they will be here. But they will not feature Mamma Mia. Anyway, I have to go practice my Wonder Woman spinning in these new boots . . . .

I mean revise. And pack.

(Oh, and I guess I should tell you when I am actually speaking. I will post my conference schedule here later! Watch this space!)

EMERGENCY READER POLL

Friends, I’m in a bit of a pickle, and I need your help.

You may remember a while back that I made a bet with Scott Westerfeld that he could not put together a group trip to Dragoncon, where we would all sign and do events. I said that if he could arrange it, not only would I go, I would go wearing the Princess Leia gold bikini outfit.

Why did I do this? Because I’m an idiot.

Most of you are smarter than I am, and would know not to make such a bet with Scott. Within days, it was a done deal. So Scott, Justine Larbalestier, Holly Black, Cassie Clair, and I are all going to Dragoncon together—by train. Yes, we’ll be spending 24 hours on a train together, speeding southward, then four days at the con itself. (I should mention though that Suite Scarlett is due pretty much the minute I get back. How will I write a book while doing all of this? I am about to find out.)

I just looked at my calendar and saw that the time for DRAGONTRAIN comes closer. In fact, I really have only a matter of days to settle the issue of my outfit, as I have to go back to the London Office to lock myself in and try to finish the book before then. (On this note—you are likely to see some frantic “how to revise a book” posts soon.)

This is where you come in.

See, I’ve looked for the Leia bikini outfit. I thought it would be easy to get. Turns out, it’s not. Yes, I know some places online have it—but I kind of want to try it on first to make sure it fits. I went to the biggest costume store in New York, and they didn’t even have it. Cecil Castellucci tried to get one for me at that big 30th anniversary of Star Wars a few weeks ago, but I was painting my apartment and missed her call.

I have asked permission and been told that an alternate outfit will be acceptable. But I’ve never been to a con before. It’s all new to me. I don’t know what to get.

So I thought I’d leave it up to you. Below you will see some options I came up with. Please place your vote in the comments. In about two days time, I will have to make the final decision and get the outfit as quickly as possible.

Please give your selection and your reason for choosing said outfit. I will go with the outfit that most compellingly argued or most popular. If you have another suggestion, feel free to write it in.

Here we go.

ONE: THE LEIA BIKINI

Also know as “slave Leia.” I put this first because this was the original promise. Why is this so hard to get?

PROS: Shiny. I like shiny. Can swim in it if necessary.
CONS: Hard to obtain. May be cold. (Don’t they keep the air conditioning up high in Atlanta?) May be attacked by Jabba the Hutt.



The elusive gold bikini. Jabba not included. Hopefully.

TWO: CLASSIC LEIA

In second position, here is the “classic” Leia outfit—the white robe that we all know and love.

PROS: I can get this outfit. Will be warmer than the bikini.
CONS: Hair buns. I don’t really want to wear a wig. My friend Winchester Grey has a knit hat that looks like the Leia buns, but I don’t want to wear a knit hat around all day either. May be too 1977. Also, may be imprisoned by Darth Vader.


Is this the little black dress of con outfits, or just the last refuge of people who don't know much about SciFi?

THREE: WONDER WOMAN

Why? Ask the four year old mj, who still lives inside me, who used to spin around on the lawn in the hopes that she would transform, just like Wonder Woman did. (Best outfit change strategy ever. Ev-er.)

PROS: TOTALLY AWESOME! Also, Cassie Clare has a friend who actually HAS the outfit and said she would lend it to me.
CONS: Would require obtaining red boots. May be ticketed for illegally parking invisible jet. Also, may revert to four year old behavior and start spinning until I throw up.



By the power of Hera!

FOUR: MAGENTA FROM THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

Why? Well, I know the movie. I like it. And this is a straightforward costume.

PROS: Obtainable. I know the lyrics to all the songs. Would prefer not to Time Warp, but will do so if required. Also, it would allow me to make use of my new, longer hair.
CONS: May get dragged off to sing-along with Rocky fans or to spaceship headed back to Transsexual Transylvania.


Dinner is served!

FIVE: DEVIL GIRL

I’m going to Dragoncon to sign and talk about Devilish, so I figured this was at least relevant.

PROS: Costume easily obtainable as is very generic. Relevant to Devilish.
CONS: Costume is so generic as to be kind of boring. Frankly, I am not as into this idea. May poke self with horns. Also, when I looked up images of “devil girl” on Google, they were so filthy that the only one I can post is of a stuffed hamster.



Costume not as pictured.

SIX/SEVEN: BELLATRIX LESTRANGE OR TONKS

A bit of a curve ball! I could go with either the evil Bellatrix or the ever-so-good Tonks.

PROS: I am a Harry Potter fan, and know J.K. personally. Also, I could pull either one of these off without too much trouble.
CONS: I may be in a sea of Harry Potter characters. This may be too easy.



Will it be everyone's favorite Metamorphmagus?



Or Neville's enemy?

I’m counting on you guys. Please vote! Get your friends to vote! This matter is in YOUR hands now. That’s how much I trust you.

UPDATE AS OF MONDAY EVENING: Tonks has an early lead, but Wonder Woman is catching up.

The stats are:

1. Tonks (11 votes)
2. Wonder Woman (9 votes)
3. Bellatrix (4 votes)
4. Slave Leia (2 votes)
5. Devil girl (1 vote)

Magenta and Classic Leia: 0 votes. May be entirely out of the running.

One commenter points out: "I think Tonks would be chickening out some because it's easier and also, not as recognizable, I would think. Also - it isn't as "WOW She's actually wearing that?" which I think was kind of the whole point of your bet." Meanwhile, Cecil has come through with THREE sources of the Leia slave outfit since I posted.

Which will win? I can hardly stand the pressure! I think I'll have to call a deadline on this, so let's say midnight, tomorrow night.

Also, for those of you who get my newsletter, the deadline for the Girl At Sea picture contest is tomorrow! Get your entries in to win signed books in a special edition Harry Potter bag!

DRAGON TRAIN STRIKE FORCE

Happy Friday, friends!

You know, I figured you guys might be getting sick of reading about the book ban in every single post. So I thought that today, I would write about something else.

This doesn’t mean that I’m not on the situation! I am! I am communicating with my Bartlesville team even as I write this. I know an AMAZING amount of inside gossip on a town I’ve never even been to! Some of the stuff I’m hearing about some of the people involved in this is VERY close to home. Literally. Close to their homes. I could be talking over the fence. I think I love Bartlesville. Maybe I will move there.

I am still asking people who are from Bartlesville or from anywhere else to sign my anti-banning petitions, which I will send to the superintendent.

My next post will undoubtedly return to the subject. I just thought it would be good to catch up with some of the logjam of other things that I had to tell you.

Here are two great things that have nothing to do with the Bartlesville Book Ban. The first is about a great charity and how to get a copy of Girl At Sea! The second is . . . well . . . better just read and see.

THING #1: CHARITY THING WITH A PRIZE

Since traffic on this site has gone way up since this whole debacle began, I thought it would be good to turn something that sucks into something that is made of awesome (in the parlance of my secret, fake brothers, Hank and John).

City Harvest is one of the best, ground-up charities out there. The concept is brilliant. It’s a food rescue organization.

What does that mean? I’ll tell you!

Think about all the bakery items like the fresh breads and muffins that you see at Whole Foods or Starbucks. At the end of the day, the baked goods are still good, but they have to be eaten right away. Or at the end of the day at the Green Market, when there are piles of produce left over that the farmers would have to drive back to the farms, and which may just go bad. Or at fancy restaurants around the city, where more food is ordered than can be used in one evening’s service. Or a big wedding, where caterers prepare many large dishes of food, of which only a percentage may be eaten.

Enter the City Harvest trucks. The fleet goes around New York, stopping at the fancy restaurants, the Starbucks, the big hotels, the Whole Foodses . . . and they—very carefully and to the highest safety standards—package the food up. It goes right to the places where it’s needed, like soup kitchens, community pantries, and more than 600 local organizations.

The result is that people who are hungry are getting great, high-quality food, like fresh produce, meat, and bread. And the food is not wasted. EVERYONE WINS!

I don’t have enough good things to say about City Harvest. It is entirely devoted to decreasing World Suck.

Wednesday, May 16th is Skip Lunch, Fight Hunger Day. The idea is that you donate the amount of money you would normally spend on lunch. I’ve signed up as a team captain. Most people are team captains within their companies, and they take the materials to work. Since I don’t have a company per se, I have decided to call my team the YA NERDFIGHTERS HUNGER STRIKE FORCE.

Everywhere I go for the next few days, I will be carrying Skip Lunch Fight Hunger paper lunch bags somewhere on my person. (And no, it’s not a contest to figure out where.) This means I’ll be taking my bags to the Nebula Awards, and to some cocktail events (where the event will be “Skip a Drink, Fight Hunger”).

If you won’t see me personally, but you like the sound of this and can send a check for your part of the lunch, contact me. I especially encourage my new friends from the last day or so who have graciously taken the time to write to me to tell me all about their personal interpretations of the Bible and the condition of my soul. Nice to meet you! Everyone is welcome here. Won’t you support the fight against hunger?

Make sure to write the fact that you are with the YA NERDFIGHTERS HUNGER STRIKE FORCE on the memo of any checks!

I’ll send whoever sends the biggest check an autographed, spanking new copy of GIRL AT SEA! I can assure you that it is a DIRTY BOOK. This is because it has archeology in it, which is inherently a filthy undertaking. Copies of Girl At Sea are currently quite rare. I only have three. One is for me. One is for my mama. One is for ONE OF YOU.

(Don’t worry, though, if you can’t send money for this. I realize that this is not possible for many of you! I will be giving away more free copies later, when I get the proper shipment.)

THING #2: DRAGON TRAIN, MY NEW OUTFIT

So, I was sitting on Scott Westerfeld and Justine Larbalestier’s apartment floor maybe a month or two ago. Holly Black and Cassandra Claire were there. They all started telling me about an event called Dragoncon, which they all went to the year before to sign books.

I generally don’t go to things that end in con. No particular reason. But I am a person who likes to see the wonders of this world. I listened in awe as they told me about the 24 hour a day costume parade and the security guards dressed as storm troopers. I was amazed.



Dragoncon.

“I never get to go to things like that,” I said sadly.

“You could now,” Justine said. “Devilish is scifi/fantasy. You’re up for a Norton!”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said. But I said it glumly, because I didn’t believe it.

“You could,” Scott said. And Cassie and Holly nodded.

“If you can get me into Dragoncon,” I said, “I will go dressed as Princess Leia in that outfit she wears . . . with the gold stuff . . . in that one movie. The Empire Strikes Back.”

I don’t know why I said this. Maybe because it was the only scifi/fantasy costume I know. Or sort of know. I remember seeing it on Friends at the gym once.

“Return of the Jedi,” Scott kindly corrected me. “And you’re on.”

“And what we should do,” Justine continued, “is all go on the train. We’ll get sleepers and we’ll all ride down together.”

“Dragon Train,” Holly said.

“Dragon Train,” Cassie repeated.

I said uh-huh and nodded. I was busy eating something and picking crumbs off my shirt and not really paying attention, because I didn’t believe Scott would set it up.

Yeah. Don’t make assumptions like that with Scott. The Dragon Train is being booked right now, and it looks like I am now in the market for one of those gold bikini outfits. I have three months to find one. And yes, I will be signing copies of Devilish while wearing it.

Yes, I’ll bring the video camera for Brotherhood2.0.

If anyone has any advice on this, please let me know, because I think I’m going to be kind of cold in it. Does it have some kind of wrap that goes with it? Like a cape or something? I could be wrong, but I think the people at this event might be stickers for detail, and on this matter, detail is something I just don’t have. Yet.



Do you have one of these?

My inferior knowledge of things scifi and fantasy will put me at a disadvantage at the Nebula Awards tomorrow. I’m thrilled to death to be nominated, but my general plan for the night is to keep drinking and shoving food in my mouth so I don’t have to talk, which is the plan I use for many events, really.

In the meantime, here are some aliens I do know, and know well! And they show how books are useful!