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Monday, April 13, 2009


So, I was getting off the train in Philadelphia, and I was standing in the vestibule between the cars, and the conductor turns to me.

“Hey,” she said, “guess what I just found out?”

This conversation could have gone a lot of ways.

“If someone rips off your thumb,” she said, “or, you know, it comes off . . .” She waited for me to nod. “ . . . it turns out, they use your big toe. Weird, huh? Well, happy holiday!”

Now, as it happens, I had heard of this, because my mom is a school nurse and she occasionally has to deal with a lost digit or two. “So I had to run down the hall with my flashlight when I already had an office full of kids,” she’ll say. “Those boys in that shop? They think they’re so big and tough. But as soon as someone gets a middle finger ripped off in a motor, you should see their faces. It was hard just to get one of them to hold my flashlight while I fished it out.” The implication being: They act like they’ve never seen a severed finger before.

Still, it seemed an odd thing to just say to someone standing around on a train on Easter morning.

Friends, I have to admit something. While I am generally very pro-holiday, I have never been able to get behind Easter. I have my reasons. Here they are.

1. It moves around too much

I realize Easter is not the only shifty holiday. Thanksgiving, for example, is on different dates each year—but always on the third Thursday in November. Easter is DEVIOUS. It flickers between March or in April. That can be a whole different SEASON here. It could be a winter snowstorm. It could be a blazing hot spring day. It has no seasonal identity.

2. I don’t eat ham, or lamb, or any of those rhyming meats

In fact, I don’t eat any meat at all. I have been meatless for many years now. And don’t get me wrong! I am all about making awesome vegetarian food for the holidays. But when you are vegetarian on Easter, people often make you . . .


Eggs . . . are my kryptonite. And Easter is a holiday built all around them. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THEM. You decorate them. You eat other forms of candy in the shape of them. (Robin Wasserman was scandalized to find out that I cannot even take Cadbury crème eggs, because it’s just sick and bizarre in my mind to eat something that has been designed to look that much like an egg. Why not just make candy that looks like a war wound? Who had this terrible idea?)

The only activity that’s ever really planned is an EGG HUNT. The last thing I want to hunt for in the entire world . . . is an egg. I thoroughly approve of taking eggs out of your house and hiding them, never to be found again. But to go looking for them! MADNESS!

And yes, when you finally get to dinner—often the most awesome part of any holiday—there is invariably some egg dish that a well-meaning person has prepared for the non-meat types. And I go green in the face. And I die.

“But the CANDY!” you say, not unreasonably. “What about the CANDY???”

I hear you on the candy. I do. But the fact that you get some candy doesn’t really make up for the rest of the day. I mean, you get candy on Halloween too . . . but Halloween would STILL be awesome without it. The fact that you also get candy just gold-plates it.

And, honestly? Easter is when the crap candy comes out. The aforementioned crème eggs. Peeps. Jellybeans. Crusty, colored sugar lumps all. The truly superior candy (by this, I of course mean tiny chocolate bars) is generally the providence of Halloween. I don’t know why this is. I don’t make the rules. That’s just usually the way it goes.

I know these are strong views. I know that Peeps devotes are reading this in shock. But I think, Peep friends, that you must admit that Peeps are just old marshmallows covered in even more sugar. And how can you trust any candy that can be stored for ALL OF TIME and taste essentially the same, maybe just a little crispier?

Easter is also the only holiday I’ve spent in the hospital. (The time I ended up in the emergency room after sticking paper up my nose doesn’t count, as that was on Christmas Eve, not Christmas.) When I was six, my cousin hit me between the eyes with my Barbie sportscar (by accident) and I woke up the next day unable to see correctly. I can’t even remember what was wrong with me, but I do remember that it rained all day . . . WHICH IT OFTEN DOES ON EASTER.

I hate to be down on any holiday. You know I love them. I get behind my festivities! But Easter is just not as good as the others, and it’s best to be honest. And it does have good things, like flowers and rabbits. But really, flowers are a spring thing, and I already control all the rabbits.

Speaking of, my rabbit is out. You know it’s my rabbit because it looks like this:


The rabbit is a relative of the stocking that also belongs to me:

One of these is mine. Try to spot it.

I’ll be back tomorrow with MORE BLOG, and perhaps you will join me for the LIVE BLOG TV SHOW at 6pm New York Time. Last time, I got pranked, climbed out of a window, and did some matchmaking. Who KNOWS what will happen tomorrow! See you at 6!

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Blogger Melany said...

Whoo! I am the first commenter.

I am one of those outraged Peep devotes of which you speak.

I am not disappointed in your candy choices. I have many friends who question mine.

I understand your dislike of Easter because of your incident... it's ok, I accept you.

5:59 AM  
Blogger Jennila said...

With your fear of eggs I guess it's a good thing you're not Greek Orthodox... they have something about dying eggs red with the "blood of Christ." Something about chicks/newborns??? I don't know.

6:09 AM  
Blogger Nadia Murti said...

What's the relation between the reason for the holiday and chocolate eggs (which are weird)?

6:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say, I'm dismayed by your taste in candy. Easter has the BEST candy of any holiday. While I agree with you about peeps, there are still peanut butter eggs which, for some reason, are a thousand times tastier than regular peanut butter cups. (Something about the peanut butter to chocolate ratio.) As for Cadbury cream eggs, I'm sorry, your judgement has been clouded on this issue. Try eating one and pretending it's made to look like a golf ball instead. You could even smoosh it a little. It's one of the most amazing tastes in the world.

6:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Finally someone who does not like this Easter holiday for all the same reasons I don't!
The candy is just plain yucky, eggs are creepy (Alfred Hitchcock was afraid of them), AND I don't eat meat.
Hurrah for vegetarians! :D

6:55 AM  
Blogger Trish Doller said...

I'm totally on board with the yuckiness of Peeps and Cadbury creme eggs. But there is one tiny ray of Easter candy goodness--Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. And they taste so much better than regular peanut butter cups because the peanut butter to chocolate ratio is higher.

6:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is the whole, Jesus Christ atoning for our sins and being resurrected part of Easter, but with all the sugar and bunnies and eggs, people tend to forget about it.

6:57 AM  
Anonymous Dimitra said...

@ Jennila- I'm Greek Orthodox ( and not a fan of eggs, either)They dye the eggs red to symbolize the blood shed for sins (or something.) and then one person taps one over another person's egg, attempting to crack it, and says " Christos Annesti" ( Christ is risen!) Then the other person says, "Alithos Annesti!" (Truly he is risen!)
Just in case you wanted to know.

7:46 AM  
Blogger Alyssa said...

I also am one of the Peep people. I LOVE them. but i accept your dislike.

tommorrow is my mother's birthday and i will be going out to dinner for it around 5:30 so i will probably miss most of your show AGAIN. *depression* =[ So, pleaseee, please, pleaseeeee stay on as long as possible so i might see some of it.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Mitzy said...

lol I'm cracking up. I love your reasons for hating Easter, especially the Egg factor. It's hard not to notice how many eggs are floating around during the Easter season, but until you pointed it out, I never really noticed how strange it is!

Well happy easter anyways =)

8:02 AM  
Blogger Miss May said...

I agree with you so much about Easter being a minefield for vegetarians.

And I have to say, I've never considered the creme eggs to be like...similar to real eggs. I've never eaten one but I now totally think you're right. It's completely disturbing haha. Thanks for opening my eyes to lollies that are too realistic for their own good.

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok so being a total "random facts" breed of nerdfighter and all I can explain why Easter is so shifty. Easter is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal (spring) equinox. Like this year for instance Thursday was the first full moon after the vernal equinox and so today was the first Sunday. So that means that while Easter cans sometimes feel "wintery" it's never actually in winter. Soooo yeah sorry had to share.

8:22 AM  
Anonymous Alex said...

I was actually eating a peep while reading your blog. lol

I'm not a big fan of peeps, but every once in a while I crave a few... like now for instance. :-)

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Kayli said...

I looked up war wound candy, because that seems like the sort of thing that might actually exist in this crazy mixed up world of ours. But, alas, it does not. Oh well.

If you are still doing Ask MJ, I'd also like to ask you the story of how you mean Oscar. I have a nagging feeling that you have already told this story and I am just forgetting, but if not...tell away!

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Julia said...

Easter is indeed a vegetarian nightmare! I knew there was something I liked about you - besides your fantastic writing and warped sense of humor...*passes you a large plastic pumpkin filled with Halloween candy"

4:06 PM  
Anonymous InTrouble said...

I need help with an Easter disaster.

We had a big family dinner on Easter. One of my young nieces asked me to explain the Easter story. We aren't an especially religious family, but ok, no problem. I took her through it. She was thoughtful for a moment.

"So, Jesus was dead."
"Then he stopped being dead and got up again."
"So... Jesus is a zombie."

As you can imagine, I did some major backtracking. No dice. My niece is now convinced that Easter is a holiday to celebrate the zombie Jesus. I am in so much trouble with my family, I can't even tell you. Please help me!

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

I actually just found a package of peeps that were almost a year old. They were rock solid.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Caroline said...

My grandma, who has a certain genius for finding the few candies no one in our family likes, used to always get us Peeps and Creme Eggs every year. Once, after everyone had left, I moved a footstool and discovered a stash of Peeps hidden underneath.

6:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

War Wound Candy? You mean like this severed foot I had hidden in my candy stash?


6:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

try being a vegetarian jew during passover at an easter party... no leavened anything, no meat, i don't like eggs either! i ate fruit. lots of fruit, and chocolate, which i dont even like plain! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

12:47 AM  
Blogger Callidora said...

I love Easter for the candy. I love Peeps, Cadbury cremes, jellybeans, ect. In fact, I like Easter candy more than Holloween candy. Mmmmmm :o)

2:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. I, too, had an Easter Incident. I was five years old, but I never forgot it.

2. Cadbury eggs freak me out. I like eggs, but why do these look like eggs? I wouldn't eat an actual raw egg, so why would I eat something that looks like one? Gross!

3. Peeps are nasty. My aunt got me to bite the head off a Peep last year by arguing that they were really much better than I remembered. She lied to me.

4. That rabbit is one scary little monster. It looks like a junkie. It's a Crack Rabbit.

5:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I know Peeps sound like disgusting food objects EATEN around Easter, but they have many other objectives in there short little lives.

For Example...have you even taken a Peep and hit it with a tennis racket??? Those suckers fly!!!


Have you ever stuffed Peeps into your mouth, as many as you can fit, and choke out "Chubby Peepies?"

Hmm...you haven't???

6:11 AM  
Blogger DeAnna said...


1) Peep jousting.
2) Treasure hunt, i.e., not eggs.
3) Silly string fight!
4) Claim cannibalism of small children does not violate tenets of vegetarianism.
5) Seitan peeps.

7:46 AM  
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