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Tuesday, April 29, 2008


The official countdown is on! It’s just three days to the real, actual release of Suite Scarlett . . . and that means three days until the BIG CONTEST with the FABULOUS PRIZE.

Many of you who have read the book already have written in to express a certain . . . affection . . . for Spencer Martin. In fact, he has gotten a RECORD number of marriage proposals. I have been keeping this information from him. If he knew how many people wanted to date and/or marry him, he would be impossible to control, and I need to bend him to my will as I write the second book.

Of course, I’m not just writing the second Scarlett book. I’m also writing this blog! It seems that many of you also blog, or would like to start! And some of you have written asking for advice on this topic.

I am, of course, happy to oblige.

Blogging is extremely hard work, and only very competent people can do it. However, if you get good at it, you will become rich beyond your wildest dreams, and you will probably get some kind of title. But in order to become a Successful Blogger, you have to learn a few basic rules. Master these, and the blogoverse is yours.


Yesterday’s news is so last week! Blogs are about now. NOW, NOW, NOW! Blogs are the vanguard! Every scientific, political, and social development on the planet is charted on a blog. Everything else is out of date. Burn your books! Throw your newspapers out the window!

In order to be a Successful Blogger, you had better know what is about to happen. And the only way you are going to find out is by hobnobbing with rich and famous people. This is what I do, day and night. I try to cover it up by suggesting that I just sit around in my house in mismatched clothes, getting food all over myself as I try to eat and type because I am chasing a deadline. This is all subterfuge and deception.

Right now, for instance, I am in a hottub with former head of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan and his best friend, Posh Spice (who keeps bobbing up to the surface--it's like trying to keep a GOLF BALL underwater with her!). This is what I mean. I am right in the heart of it all. Also, it is very dangerous. I should not be typing while in water like this.

Hobnobbing is the goblin of consistent blogging. Or something like that.

Don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow? Make it up! Just be careful about Rule #2 . . .


You want to be on the Internet? Well, you had better do your research. Nothing is permitted online unless it has been proven to be a 100% true fact. Blogs are regularly patrolled by the blog police, a crack team of experts on absolutely everything, and they read every single sentence of every single blog in the entire blogverse. It you mess up one time, they might let you off easy, maybe just erasing your hard drive or sticking gum in your USB ports. But if they see that you make wrongness a habit, they will come to your house and make you watch hours and hours and hours and hours of Youtube videos like this one.


People don’t read long blog posts, which is why mine are never more than three sentences long. People go to sleep if you write more than that.

One sentence too many, and the readers will slip into a coma.


Pretty much every word of your blog should take the reader somewhere else that is directly related, but not so interesting that they won’t come back again.


People look to bloggers to give them new words, so by no means should you talk like a normal person on your blog. If you want people to take you seriously, be pompous and confusing—otherwise readers will assume you have no idea what you are talking about. This is why I always refer to my books as “algorithms of worditude.” This phrase has made me exceptionally popular among alphabots and biblionobes all around the Textosphere.

You may have to make up some words.


People don’t like to wait for blog updates! This is why I post EVERY SINGLE DAY without failure. Nothing stops me. I’m like the post office—neither snow nor rain nor or famine or grizzly bears stays this blogger from the timely posting of the posts. I think you will find, looking back at my archive, at completely unbroken sequence of posts dating back to 1992. You should be the same way.

In fact, every day you don’t blog, an Apple Store Genius is fed to a crocodile. No pressure.

The croc tank at the 5th Avenue Apple store, New York City.


What? What are you saying? You want sleep? You want food? You want to go out in the sunshine? You want to see your friends? Well, you will never make it in the dog-eat-keyboard world of blogging. You need to know what is going on on ALL BLOGS, ALL THE TIME. If you miss even one hour of one day, everything will change and you will never be able to catch up. You will be laughed off the Internet!

Real bloggers DIE at the keyboard.

Never unplug. Never.


It is a well-known fact that blogs provide the best advice in the world, and you can learn how to do everything by reading them. In fact, just ONE WEEK of reading nothing but blogs is better than going to Harvard for a year.

If you want to have a successful blog, you have to show people how to do things! In my blog, for instance, I give up-to-date, factual information on how to write books, how to be a writer, and how to write blogs. Now that I have explained these things, they don’t ever have to be explained again, so you will have to write something else.

Blogs are the most effective learning tool out there.

There you have it. The eight rules you need. I hope they were helpful.

And no, I did not forget that I had a Suite Scarlett to give away! Today’s RANDOM COMMENT WINNER is Cei Cei. Cei Cei . . . send in your address!

You could be THE NEXT RANDOM WINNER! Every comment is an entry!

If you can’t wait or don’t want to take the chance . . . go out into the world today and DEMAND a Suite Scarlett from your local algorithm of worditude emporium.

Labels: ,


Blogger Gretchen said...

I fully intend to kick the bucket at my laptop, hands clenched in the proper typing position.

Also, I am officially intrigued by this Spencer Martin character.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Breanna said...

Haha great blog on how to blog. I believe every word of it!

It sure would be nice to be the next random winner of a copy of Suite Scarlett, heres to hoping =)

Have a great rest of the week.


10:37 AM  
Anonymous SadieNG said...

Thank you So much for my new ABBA desktop wallpaper. It has made my day.

10:44 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

As a blogger, I found all your advice extremely useful. I will never miss a blog post ever again. :P

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Hannah said...

Yay! Maybe after the actual, official release that i will be finally able to find suite Scarlett from my local algorithm of worditude emporium!

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Kayli said...

I have written a (veryveryvery bad) rap to show you just how much I want a free Suite Scarlett.

Up at the crack of dawn.
Didn't go to bed at all.
Got a paper due in six hours.
Yet I've got to check out the bloggers.
Suite Scarlett would make me chipper.
I'm sure I'd take Spencer over the Skipper.
My rap is done.
Bet I'm the only one
Who thought that was cool, son.

Wow. Well, that's a career I can cross off the list. Thanks for sharing your knowledge of blogging with us, Maureen!

1:56 PM  
Blogger Tasha said...

This whole post made me fall on the floor laughing!! Can't wait to read Scarlett.

2:59 PM  
Anonymous VT Girl said...

Please pick me me me!

3:55 PM  
Blogger Rylie said...

Please pick me -- I'd love a copy of Suite Scarlett!

4:44 PM  
Blogger Dave Bessom said...

Where am I? What's going on? I'm confuuuused...

4:48 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

You may be popular with the alphabots and biblionobes, but did you stop to consider the charactropes?
I did not think so.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Cortney T said...

Maureen, please let me be the lucky winner of the next Suite Scarlett book. All of this losing is making me sad!!

5:42 PM  
Anonymous Alyson Wonderland said...

Still poor, MJ. And still lacking Scarlett.
Come to think of it, I'm still lactose intolerant, too - and on free cone day of all days! TRAVESTY! I think I may need to blog about this...

6:20 PM  
Blogger tigressflowers said...


6:21 PM  
OpenID edarra said...

Hilarious! What a great thing to read about in the morning. I love the "how to buy wood" sign...

6:42 PM  
OpenID theteenageangel said...

Would love a book, Maureen.

And don't you think Hank Green should get health insurance? Do you have it?

^^, Sarah

7:03 PM  
OpenID keisha-strick said...

Random Comment. Please can I have a copy?

8:20 PM  
Blogger Alysa said...

Maureen, you crack me up.

9:17 PM  
Anonymous jellybean said...

Free book please!

All of your good advice was erased from my brain when I saw that "How to Buy Wood" picture. Look at the concentration on that man's face. Even the dog wants to know what is going on! Clearly, I need this 16-page special section.

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Kelsey said...

I admit it-I broke all the blog rules!

9:51 PM  
Blogger Alea said...

I love your sense of humor :) Blogging is hard to keep up, I blog about once every other month. I wish I did it more oh well.

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Sarah W. said...

I would love to get a copy of Suite Scarlett for my 15th birthday, which is in five days!!

Sarah W.

10:35 PM  
Anonymous Kelsey said...

I would be really excited to get a signed copy of Suite Scarlett! I don't think I can wait two more days!

10:59 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I agree with jellybean, that How to Buy Wood picture is a Very Special Find.

11:50 PM  
Anonymous Kiki said...

I just asked my dad to take me to the local algorithm of worditude emporium and his reply was giving me a funny look and going back to cooking 500 billion tons of soup. (He's a cater-er and getting ready for a job on saturday. I've never seen so much chili and soup in my life!) I think he understood it more than when I ask him in spanish though. Oh how I love foreign language classes. :)

11:51 PM  
OpenID trudeau1031 said...

man I've been blogging alll wrong

12:07 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

You give very good advice.

12:42 AM  
Blogger Reese said...

If I don't die at the keyboard, I hope to die actually buying a new keyboard.

12:47 AM  
Blogger Heather♥ said...

I'm never going to stop saying 'algorithm of worditude emporium' when I go to the bookstore (ahem, excuse me ALGORITHM OF WORDITUDE EMPORIUM). But I have a different word for the blogging community: blogosphere. Instead of blogverse. But I guess blogosphere refers more to the blogging of earthlings and does not include those bloggers of other planets, GALAXIES even.

Well, off to the to read an algorithm of worditude! Enter me for Suite Scarlett! woot, woot!

12:56 AM  
Anonymous MelissaN said...

I'm very glad that your posts longer than 3 sentences are so funny because I was awake to see the picture of the funny-mustached man sleeping :)

12:59 AM  
Blogger Kimber Alice said...

This post made my whole day about nine billion times better. The sun is out -in southeast Alaska, which is a rainforest- which also made my day better. So, thanks to you and the sun, I am having a great day.

The one thing that my day is lacking is Scarlett, so I'd love to be the random winner of a signed copy of Suite Scarlett. Only then could my lovely day be complete.

1:45 AM  
Anonymous JK said...

Haha Maureen you give the best advise!
Mabye I would be a more sucsessful blogger if I were to follow your guidelines... or if I had a blog at all.

1:54 AM  
OpenID ohholyhorcrux said...

Can you, uh, add me to the list of people who are, kind of, madly in love with Spencer Martin. Can you put me near the top? Like, if he decides to pop out of a book, it better be mine and he will immediately propose to me, subsequently fainting and knocking himself out when I say yes. Please?

Thanks. You're the best Maureen.

1:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... second ... book ... of Suite ... Scarlett?!!! ... more ... Spencer?! *girlish fan scream*

OMG, seriously, MJ, that is my favorite book of yours, and Spencer si in tie with Keith from 13 Little Blue Envelopes!! can't wait for the second!! you, Marueen Johnson, are a wonderful creator of boy-fantasy for teenage girls!!

...in the back of one of your books, can't remember which one, it says you're married? uhm, since when? :) thanks!


2:02 AM  
Blogger Hillary said...

i wanna win!

2:08 AM  
OpenID imdamuffinman27 said...

I want to join the hoard of Spencer-obsessed fan girls! I would love to have a copy of Scarlett so that I might meet this piece of man candy.

2:18 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I think that I deserve to win Suite Scarlett because today is my birthday, and only one of my friends remembered it! But I have to admit, her present was amazing. It was a pillowcase with a giant picture of Legolas's head on it.

2:49 AM  
Anonymous Raelyn said...

well thanks maureen. that's certainly cleared up all my questions and then some ;)

3:00 AM  
Anonymous khyrinthia said...

I'd absolutely love a copy of Suite Scarlett.

3:16 AM  
OpenID bellacaterina said...

I would absolutely adore a copy of Suite Scarlett. If I had the money, I'd go out and buy it RIGHT THIS SECOND. But alas... I don't.

3:18 AM  
Anonymous Nichole said...

It Happened One Night, huh? Classy. ;) Really, though, who doesn't love Clark Gable?

I'm actually surprised that no one has taken the time to outline these rules for us before. I really think that's pretty careless of the blogging community. Don't you? It's a good thing we have you here to guide us.

This post actually reminds me of a very helpful news article in the University of Texas' newspaper, The Daily Texan. This article really got me through those tough papers in college. I don't know how I would have graduated without it.

Here's the link (cause I like to spread the love):


Thanks again for the helpful rules!

3:22 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

So everyone is after Spencer now? Does that mean Keith is up for grabs?? *fangirl scream*

3:23 AM  
Blogger Renee said...

I fully want to start a blog and fill it with completely FALSE information!!!

I mean that youtube video was AMAZING! I laughed my butt off! and watched it THREE times!

and the wiki site to dust.. pretty awesome!
keep following your own rules you are on a freaking ROLE!

3:26 AM  
Blogger Renee said...

ohh and I have a Question...
Each post is an entry to get the book?

3:28 AM  
Anonymous Miranda K said...

as i am too lazy to attend my algorithm of worditude to acquire a copy of suite scarlett, as well as the fact that they don't have copies with words in the front, i would like to enter the book contest!

3:50 AM  
Anonymous Miranda K said...

algorithm of worditude EMPORIUM i mean, hehe

3:51 AM  
Anonymous aud said...

pretty please mj? i would really love a book.

3:54 AM  
Anonymous Sabrina A said...

Okay, is it me or is Kirby just the cutest video game character.... thing, EVER? Seriously. He's like a giant pink ball of sqeaky sounds and happy smiles.

4:17 AM  
Anonymous Katie P said...

i never turn off my computer or leave it alone for extended periods of time. consequently, it short-circuited.
i hope i have a chance at winning. because i'm broke.

4:20 AM  
Anonymous Nic-Nak said...

i know the big type is annoying but maybe it'll catch your attention.

4:21 AM  
Blogger Caroline said...

I, of course, am already following every SINGLE rule of blogitude. Especially the one about posting regularily. (nods earnestly, attempting to look convincing.)
I don't want Scarlett.
i NEED Scarlett.
I know it's random, but still: PICK ME!

4:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, apparently Spencer is the new MJ heart throb character? I would certainly know, but, alas, I do not have a copy of Suite Scarlet *wink wink*. Right now, I am rereading The Key to the Golden Firebird, it was so good the last time I read it, I just HAVE to read it again:)!
Anyways, I would still LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LIKE a copy of Suite Scarlet!

4:33 AM  
Blogger courtneylynne said...

Very helpful indeed.
So, I just finished Girl At Sea, and I basically loved it =] I'm waiting for The Key To The Golden Firebird to come in to the library so I can read it. It's the only one I haven't read. Besides Suite Scarlett, because the evil library ladies haven't gotten a copy yet. So, I would love to have one of my own!

4:40 AM  
Anonymous Alysson said...

I would dearly like to know how to buy wood. Perhaps someone will write a blog on it...

I would like a copy of Suite Scarlett, Please and Thankie!

4:44 AM  
Anonymous Haddy said...

I want books and why dont you give us better information... like how to buy wood ( you know its very hard)

4:49 AM  
Blogger Kellianne said...

Maybe you should write a book completely about Spencer. I would love to read that.

4:59 AM  
Anonymous Kal said...

I must have the "Fatso loves Alan" t-shirt =O

I'm currently making plans to liberate Alan from JK's basement.. so that he can come live in mine! Please ask JK what his favourite kind of jam is so that I can stock up.

Also, I suppose I wouldn't mind receiving a free copy of Suite Scarlett =D

5:26 AM  
OpenID orangeokapi13 said...

"Algorithms of worditude" may be my new favorite phrase.

I would love a copy of Suite Scarlett. It will definitely cheer me, for the next two weeks I have the SATs and two AP tests to deal with.

6:12 AM  
Anonymous xoxo-amoonzi said...

i would really love a copy of sweet scarlett :)

6:36 AM  
Anonymous xoxo-amoonzi said...

woops! suite scarlett! i was just doing a project on candy through out the years its on my mind :P

6:38 AM  
Anonymous R.T.A. said...

Could i get a copy? :)

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Livi Marie said...

I would love a copy of Suite Scarlett!

Also, you got a good review at Love It, Like It, Hate It.

7:06 AM  
Anonymous Summer said...

hey...I've seen Metropolis.

I got Suite Scarlett on sunday!

7:22 AM  
Anonymous Kheidi said...

It's really heartwarming that we always have someone to look to with awesome truthful advice. It makes me want to start a blog, but I fear that my mom would take away all the caffiene after awhile, so I would end up falling face first into my keyboard asleep... Is there a way I could sneak sugar and caffiene around my mom without her noticing?

7:29 AM  
Blogger Carrie said...

Wow! As a blogger myself, I'll surely take your advice to heart. I feel so enlightened now; I wouldn't want to send an Apple Store Genius to his death.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Bridget said...

Thank you so much for this entry! I'm in the middle of finishing a 15 page research paper for my Modernist Women Writers class and the first link that took my to the official ABBA site made my outlook a whole lot brighter! Brilliant as always Maureen!

8:12 AM  
Anonymous scott westerfeld said...

I am now reading the Wikipedia article on dust (linked to in the section on linking to things). But the header says that the article may require some clean up.

GET IT? It needs clean up! And it's an article on . . . DUST!

I love this planet.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Dani said...

This is fantastic! I'd love a copy of Suite Scarlett. :)

9:19 AM  
Blogger Meghan said...

This is all too depressing. My comment from last night never posted!

In any case, I would love a copy of Suite Scarlett seeing as I still haven't been able to get my hands on a copy and my stupid library didn't have it tonight.

9:42 AM  
Blogger limeywesty said...

are you by any chance trying to stem the possibly blog competition mj?
I have a blog.
I love keeping a blog.
it's true.
I like reading blogs too.
I like sunshine and newspapers too though.
Maybe I'm just a super talented human being because I can fit both into my life.

2:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Maureen,

I was at a library conference recently, and I got to visit with a number of noteworthy authors. It was very exciting, up until I realized that none of the authors were particularly YA-focused, and none of them were as charming as you and your many author-type friends. Realizing this, I did not end up asking even one of them to sign a book (for me)! Instead, I would very much love a copy of your book!
- Amy
PS - The conference, iteself, was lovely. I saw a couple of storytellers that I believe you would have LOVED.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous The Girl Who Lacks Suite Scarlett said...

*sniff* I have yet to get my hands on a Suite Scarlett. I lack the money to buy it and the library does not have it yet. This Spencer person sounds interesting though....

7:52 PM  
Blogger Miss Hannah said...

i should procure a helpful beagle like that man in the photo, and force it to assist me with my slide rule when ordering wood for my next handicraft...

11:42 PM  
Blogger Elainareads said...

Lol i'm never going to be a great blogger but hopefully i will get better at it.

I would love to win the next copy of Suite Scarlett!!!

12:05 AM  
Anonymous Genevieve said...

Maureen, what movie does the picture above the crocodile tank picture come from?

(From what movie did you find the picture that is above the crocodile tank picture? There's not a great grammatical way to write that sentence.)

1:01 AM  
Blogger Shausto-la said...

OMC Spencer! *begs MJ for a copy of Suite Scarlett so she can fangirl over his fawesomeness*

though i must stand my ground that Edward Cullen in as of yet the hottestest *fictional* character. ever.

Regardless of the fact that i am on Team Jacob.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Erin said...


golf balls SINK.

4:17 AM  
Anonymous Hillary! said...


4:22 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Sweet. Scarlett. For. Me. Please. Thanks. Babe.


4:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Metropolist

5:06 AM  
Blogger Sarahbear9789 said...

Great post and advice.

5:21 AM  
Blogger Breanna said...

Haha, I love Scott Westerfeld's comment on the Wikipedia dust article. So funny.

I know I already left a comment the other day, but I couldn't resist leaving another one after seeing that comment. =)

9:34 AM  
Blogger Christina Hicks said...

Totally digging the Clark Gable theme today!

And thanks for all of the valuable blogging advice, now that I know how the pros do it, I will strive harder to become a fantastic blogger. Watch out world!

8:19 PM  

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