ASK MJ: COUGH SYRUP EDITION

Oh hello, friends. As many of you know, I have been recovering from the flu for several days, and my doctor has just prescribed me a massive bottle of codeine cough syrup to help alleviate this rib-shattering cough that I’ve been enjoying so much. He has also ordered me to rest for a few days, so here I am, at my desk, resting.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t answer some of your questions, now, does it?

Itokro says: I was at a largish UK bookshop today. They had half a shelf devoted to 13 Little Blue Envelopes.

This is NOT an advice question, but something I wanted to put in because I am SO EXCITED to finally be out in the UK. It has been my DREAM to have a book out there, and now, that dream has been realized. 13 Little Blue Envelopes will be available exclusively at Waterstone’s until June 26th (where it is part of an awesome 3 for 2 promotion, so it is practically FREE!), and after that, it will be available EVERYWHERE. (Well, everywhere with books. Not at Argos or Tie Rack.) And I'll be having a LONDON GATHERING, location TBA, on June 27th.

ON TO THE ADVICE! Off goes the cap! Glug, glug, glug! Medicine taken!



I am now ready to advise.

Neil asks: How to do I, a math nerd from Scotland, survive a summer in Canada?

Here’s a math problem for you, Neil. 78% of all the meat consumed by Americans comes from Canada. 56% of all UK tourists who go to Canada are never heard from again. Pieces of British passports are found in 17% of all burgers served in the United States. Mathematically speaking, how do you think you’re going to taste when you’re served up with French fries? Good luck with your trip!

McChrista asks: How can I figure out if the guy I like likes me back if we don't talk that often?

The first thing you have to do in a case like this is ascertain whether or not the guy in question actually speaks English. Because this could be your whole problem. The way to get to the bottom of this is by going up to your love interest, getting close into his face, and saying DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? really slowly and loudly. If doesn't react, then your problem is essentially solved, and you should just start making out at once. Wherever you are.



Making out starts now!

If he says, “Yes” then things are a bit more tricky, because he’s probably wondering why you asked if he speaks English. He’ll feel like you don’t know him as well as you should. Start laughing IMMEDIATELY. LOUDLY. Like it was all a joke. He won’t get it, of course, because there is nothing to get. This will make you seem clever.



The laughing makes you seem smart.

Follow this up with something smooth, like, “What is your favorite flavor?” or “Do you follow the shipping news?” or “Would you like to see my calendar of adorable kittens dressed in people outfits?” Any of these questions should get you on an even conversational keel for a few moments. You should use this time to search his pockets for pictures of you. I realize that this can be hard to pull off, so this is why you knock him out with a lamp while he’s answering you. If he has a picture of you, feel free to make out with him the moment he looks even remotely conscious. If he doesn’t have a picture of you, plant one and run away quickly and hide. Approach only when he seems to be regaining consciousness. Say, “I can’t believe that man hit you over the head with that TIRE IRON! Let me NURSE you!” If he appears to remember that you hit him with a lamp, hit him again and keep repeating until he doesn’t remember and then get in there with the nursing line, which always works.

Or just send him an e-mail asking him out for coffee. Whichever.

Anonymous asks: I need advice on how to steal Snape back from the magical frogs named Elmond who are using him in their evil plot to mesh headphones with Twinkies and use it to infect the entire printer force with Frolic Disease.

Someone had better give me back my codeine syrup!

Sarah asks: How should I make money without doing anything?

Sarah, this question has haunted me for years. I like to think I’ve come pretty close, but this is an elusive prize. ABBA, of course, explores this question, because ABBA thinks of everything:



Shrieky asks: There is a girl (who we shall call GirlWhoMakesCoffee) who bugs me. She is in my German class and she comes early EVERY morning and makes COFFEE so my teacher doesn't have to. (Our teacher lets us have coffee and tea in class because she is made of win.) When we were in middle school, GirlWhoMakesCoffee learned the first names of all the teachers and would refer to them in conversation ONLY BY THEIR FIRST NAME. That is the kind of person she is. Not one single teacher sees through her, they all luuuuuuuurve her and think she's the best thing since Scantron cards, etc. Now, unfortunately, my German teacher thinks my friends and I like her, so we are stuck doing our final project with her. There is no way out of this situation. It wouldn't be so bad (well actually it would be), but she keeps looking up literal translations for things in the dictionary. THIS IS BAD. We cannot trust her to write anything because we would have to do it all over again. We're going to have to put up with this situation next year too. What should we do?

I’d switch to French.

Anonymous said: I secretly love a small Asian boy who is moving away next year. Any ideas?

How small? Because if he’s as small as you seem to be implying, you could just CATCH HIM IN A SHOEBOX and keep him forever, like a talking hamster!

I hope this helps! I’ll be answering MORE questions later, after I talk to these NICE BUTTERFLIES that have just come in. Please leave yours below.

Oh, and if you follow me on Twitter, here are the answers (in CODED INITIALS) to today’s BLIND GOSSIP ITEMS: C.C, K.N., S.W., L.B., H.B., J.L. C.C., J.L.B.