ASK MJ: THE BIG BOOK OF SNAKES
Melissa asks: Maureen! What happens on Friday when Blog Every Day April is over???
This is an excellent question. While BEDA may be ending on Thursday, very little will really change. The Ning is permanent! The only thing that changes is that I, personally, won’t be blogging every single day. I need time to do other things, and I just need to spend a least a LITTLE time away from my computer. However! Blogging every day in April has been excellent conditioning for me. I’m blogging MUCH FASTER now. So I’ll still be posting quite a lot, I imagine a few times a week. I will still be answering questions and giving out stuff and helping you in ANY WAY I CAN.
People have also been asking if I’ll do this again. I think it’s likely. I also think I might try to work up a NEW project for this summer . . . something ELSE we can all do. I am always up to something. I have a few ideas.
More important, though, is what it means for you. If you’ve started blogging during this month, if you’ve made friends . . . keep that going. If you have a BEDA Buddy, continue on reading each other’s blogs! There’s no reason to stop AT ALL!
Also, I just want to point out that a few BEDA-ers have started the BEDA Awards on the Ning! Check it out!
And if you have any suggestions about what we should do for the last day of BEDA, let me know!
omgsquid asks: I'm wondering what size feet you have?
Women’s 8.5, American size. Also, my feet are flat. Totally and utterly flat.
SIXella asks: I have a question: What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I am a very traditional girl. I just use a gun.
Whyohyou says: I sat on my little sister's birthday cake and ruined my jeans.
Not a question. But I really need to know how this happened.
Raine asks: So. I have heard whispers you and John Green appeared on a Food Network show. It was Molto Mario, wasn't it? Will you please prehaps... share a video? Or at least confirm that it was Molto Mario? The public demands an answer.
It wasn’t John Green. It was ANOTHER friend of mine named John, but for the purposes of simplicity, we will call him Sebastian Goodnight. And it wasn’t Molto Mario—it was a show called Good Deal with Dave Lieberman. Someone who knew of my obsession with cooking shows asked me if I wanted to be in the audience for one. I said yes. I dragged Sebastian along under the promise that we would never be on camera and would just get to watch the show being taped and try the food. What ACTUALLY happened is that we were the ONLY people on the show, aside from Dave and Dave’s actual friend from Yale, and we were going to be “Dave’s other friends who are meeting him for a picnic.” The show featured just the four of us, and it was shot at a brewery, and they kept making us drink and sniff things and bit food over and over. It was all very surreal. Sebastian STILL wants to kill me for that, but I honestly didn’t know we were going to be FEATURED PLAYERS and have to pretend to know the guy.
hilly_wa asks: what do i do when a boy i dont like keeps hitting on me?
Well, Hilly-wa, first . . . be flattered. It is very nice when someone likes you. Some people have a hard time expressing this.
That being said, there sometimes comes a point when you have to let someone know that they really have to stop. There are a LOT of ways to do this. If you want to be friends with the person, then you really have to talk to them and be nice, but honest, so you can get on with your friendship.
If you don’t plan on being friends with the person, really, can I recommend the Big Book of Snakes approach? It takes a little bit of work, but once you’ve done it, it will come in handy again and again! And you can do this for less than $20. In fact, you might be able to make this with materials that are already around your own house! Here’s how it’s done.
1. Get a notebook or scrapbook of some kind. Any kind of blank book with do. Go with your instinct—fancy scrapbook, art pad, flowery, photo album, Jonas Brothers notebook, whatever feels right.
2. Make a cover for it that indicates that this is YOUR Big Book of Snakes. Again, be creative! Write it in colorful marker, stencil it in, use stamp art, cut letters out of newspapers in a ransom-note style. Make it your own.
3. Now comes the fun part! It is time to fill your big book of snakes! Find some old magazines, go to the library and make photocopies, print them out from the internet. Wherever you can find them. Get a bunch of them. They don’t even have to be real snakes. Ideally, you should have some cartoon snakes, or pictures of stuffed animal snakes. Here’s the critical step: you must include one or two pictures of things THAT ARE NOT SNAKES AT ALL. Pictures of sofas, fire hydrants, cement blocks, trees, cats, sweaters . . . these are all good.
4. Now it’s time to assemble your book! Make sure that the first several pictures are all the snake pictures and that the non-snake pictures come a few pages in. This will make for a wonderful surprise! And feel free to write in captions, preferably in spidery, tight handwriting that crowds the page. Here’s are just two sample captions to get you started:
I really like these snakes they live in the jungle, I wish I lived in the jungle, sometimes I dream about these snakes eating everyone I know lol! No not really but okay kind of. They are not poisonous but I wish they were. RWAR!
This is a south American python, native to Canada. It lives in fruit trees and eats seven times its weight every hour. Mostly it eats mice but sometimes it will eat other snakies like it. It likes crackers too. Yay! I like crackers.
You get the idea, I am sure.
Now that you’ve made your Big Book of Snakes, you are ready to go! When the person hits on you again, say, “I have something I really want to show you. I think you’ll like it. It’s kind of . . . I don’t know . . . personal. Kind of sentimental. I feel I can show it to you. I think you’d really get it. I think you’re just like me.”
They are likely to accept. Agree to meet them somewhere nice and public—coffee shop, mall, something like that. All you have left to do is bring along the Big Book of Snakes. Treat it with great reverence. Flip through it slowly. Make sure they see ALL of your snakes.
You should have no problem after that.
This is an excellent question. While BEDA may be ending on Thursday, very little will really change. The Ning is permanent! The only thing that changes is that I, personally, won’t be blogging every single day. I need time to do other things, and I just need to spend a least a LITTLE time away from my computer. However! Blogging every day in April has been excellent conditioning for me. I’m blogging MUCH FASTER now. So I’ll still be posting quite a lot, I imagine a few times a week. I will still be answering questions and giving out stuff and helping you in ANY WAY I CAN.
People have also been asking if I’ll do this again. I think it’s likely. I also think I might try to work up a NEW project for this summer . . . something ELSE we can all do. I am always up to something. I have a few ideas.
More important, though, is what it means for you. If you’ve started blogging during this month, if you’ve made friends . . . keep that going. If you have a BEDA Buddy, continue on reading each other’s blogs! There’s no reason to stop AT ALL!
Also, I just want to point out that a few BEDA-ers have started the BEDA Awards on the Ning! Check it out!
And if you have any suggestions about what we should do for the last day of BEDA, let me know!
omgsquid asks: I'm wondering what size feet you have?
Women’s 8.5, American size. Also, my feet are flat. Totally and utterly flat.
SIXella asks: I have a question: What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I am a very traditional girl. I just use a gun.
Whyohyou says: I sat on my little sister's birthday cake and ruined my jeans.
Not a question. But I really need to know how this happened.
Raine asks: So. I have heard whispers you and John Green appeared on a Food Network show. It was Molto Mario, wasn't it? Will you please prehaps... share a video? Or at least confirm that it was Molto Mario? The public demands an answer.
It wasn’t John Green. It was ANOTHER friend of mine named John, but for the purposes of simplicity, we will call him Sebastian Goodnight. And it wasn’t Molto Mario—it was a show called Good Deal with Dave Lieberman. Someone who knew of my obsession with cooking shows asked me if I wanted to be in the audience for one. I said yes. I dragged Sebastian along under the promise that we would never be on camera and would just get to watch the show being taped and try the food. What ACTUALLY happened is that we were the ONLY people on the show, aside from Dave and Dave’s actual friend from Yale, and we were going to be “Dave’s other friends who are meeting him for a picnic.” The show featured just the four of us, and it was shot at a brewery, and they kept making us drink and sniff things and bit food over and over. It was all very surreal. Sebastian STILL wants to kill me for that, but I honestly didn’t know we were going to be FEATURED PLAYERS and have to pretend to know the guy.
hilly_wa asks: what do i do when a boy i dont like keeps hitting on me?
Well, Hilly-wa, first . . . be flattered. It is very nice when someone likes you. Some people have a hard time expressing this.
That being said, there sometimes comes a point when you have to let someone know that they really have to stop. There are a LOT of ways to do this. If you want to be friends with the person, then you really have to talk to them and be nice, but honest, so you can get on with your friendship.
If you don’t plan on being friends with the person, really, can I recommend the Big Book of Snakes approach? It takes a little bit of work, but once you’ve done it, it will come in handy again and again! And you can do this for less than $20. In fact, you might be able to make this with materials that are already around your own house! Here’s how it’s done.
1. Get a notebook or scrapbook of some kind. Any kind of blank book with do. Go with your instinct—fancy scrapbook, art pad, flowery, photo album, Jonas Brothers notebook, whatever feels right.
2. Make a cover for it that indicates that this is YOUR Big Book of Snakes. Again, be creative! Write it in colorful marker, stencil it in, use stamp art, cut letters out of newspapers in a ransom-note style. Make it your own.
3. Now comes the fun part! It is time to fill your big book of snakes! Find some old magazines, go to the library and make photocopies, print them out from the internet. Wherever you can find them. Get a bunch of them. They don’t even have to be real snakes. Ideally, you should have some cartoon snakes, or pictures of stuffed animal snakes. Here’s the critical step: you must include one or two pictures of things THAT ARE NOT SNAKES AT ALL. Pictures of sofas, fire hydrants, cement blocks, trees, cats, sweaters . . . these are all good.
4. Now it’s time to assemble your book! Make sure that the first several pictures are all the snake pictures and that the non-snake pictures come a few pages in. This will make for a wonderful surprise! And feel free to write in captions, preferably in spidery, tight handwriting that crowds the page. Here’s are just two sample captions to get you started:
I really like these snakes they live in the jungle, I wish I lived in the jungle, sometimes I dream about these snakes eating everyone I know lol! No not really but okay kind of. They are not poisonous but I wish they were. RWAR!
This is a south American python, native to Canada. It lives in fruit trees and eats seven times its weight every hour. Mostly it eats mice but sometimes it will eat other snakies like it. It likes crackers too. Yay! I like crackers.
You get the idea, I am sure.
Now that you’ve made your Big Book of Snakes, you are ready to go! When the person hits on you again, say, “I have something I really want to show you. I think you’ll like it. It’s kind of . . . I don’t know . . . personal. Kind of sentimental. I feel I can show it to you. I think you’d really get it. I think you’re just like me.”
They are likely to accept. Agree to meet them somewhere nice and public—coffee shop, mall, something like that. All you have left to do is bring along the Big Book of Snakes. Treat it with great reverence. Flip through it slowly. Make sure they see ALL of your snakes.
You should have no problem after that.
posted by Maureen at
12:51 AM
27 Comments:
Lol!! The Big Book of Snakess makes me laugh! I kinda want to make one just for the fun of it!! (Also: never hurts to be prepared,right?) :)
that was awesome! you should write a book with all your dating advice in it! :) it would be a best seller for sure.
I am so going to make myself a Big Book of Snakes! I can't wait. This will be a great distraction from my homework.
Also, my word verification word is unstag which obviously means that one has a date to prom.
The big book of snakes is hysterical.
Heres a question for you. What the hell do I write my valedictorian speech about?!?!?
I've sat down to write it a couple of times and haven't gotten anywhere.
DFTBA
Tenley
I already have something like the Big Book of Snakes, except it's a Big Book of Dining Room Furniture and Other Medical Oddities.
It's kind of personal, though; I don't really like to talk about it.
What do you do if you are DEATHLY AFRAID of snakes? Can you make one with rats? Or parasites? Or other scary things? Or does it only work with snakes?
Maureen, I have a question: whilst writing your blog, do you ever find yourself laughing so much you can't type properly? Because honestly, that is what reading it is like.
- Ali x
Dear Maureen,
Have you seen the play "Wicked" or read the book by Gregory Maguire? If so, what did you think?
Sincerely,
Maggie
Oh my goodness. The Big Book of Snakes is full of win! I am definitely going to do that. So so so awesome.
I laughed really really hard reading this. People are looking at me.
Marvelous Maggie: I saw Wicked this last Saturday! So fantastic.
Ali x: that is what it is like for me too.
MJ: My feet are utterly flat as well. Do you have superfeet insoles? Because they are fandiosa.
Also, what do you do if the boy you like is a track and field god who is incessantly cool and you are not? And the other guy you like can't make up his mind? And the other guy is four inches shorter than you?
I had a friend who did something to the snake book. She kept a folder full of pictures, drawings and articles about tornadoes.
At what point did you realise that you could be a writer? As in, when did you know that you could sustain a career as a writer?
I think we should all nominate MJ for a special achievment award for BEDA.
MJ, your dating advice is winsome.
Do you have any suggestions along the lines of "How to Make Friends and Influence People?"
Maureen, can we BEDA in August... or is the A reserved for April?
Oh my. That soup picture made me laugh so much I had to explain to the entire room. haha.
Can I have your brain? Please?
I'd take good care of it. Feed it cookies and ice cream and fudge.
Best.
Advice.
Ever.
Excellent blog. Really like snake book idea, though if put in that situation I might do a variation involving those lizard thingies with the big hoods that stick out when they hold their mouths open.
I finally have a question for MJ! It is this: Are good writers typically good speakers? Do you consider yourself a good speaker? Because personally, writing comes easilly for me, but when I try to talk it's sort of like words-buzzing-around-super-fast-gotta-catch-one-that-actually-makes-sense-when-you-say-it and I come out with something like: "HI, BIRD!!!". :P No time to think.
Considering it is my birthday tomorrow, I would love an answer from MJ as a speshal prezent. Regardless, I'm sure I'll love your awesome ranting, whatever it's about. Congrats on (almost) finishing BEDA!
-Jacleen
Mo,
On Dave "Dude, I cook n sh#!" Lieberman: Be assured. I will get you back.
-Sebastian
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL
"I think you're just like me" HAHAHAHAHAA
MAUREEEEEEEEEENNNNNNN!!!
I was laughing soooo hard when i read this!! HAha i told all of my friends about it today at school. They all had no clue what i was even saying but thats okay cause it made me feel pretty cool!
I love your books!
,... this is my first comment by the way!!! YAY!
I love the Big Book of Snakes. But what would you do if said guy pulled out his own Big Book of Snakes?
Hey Maureen!
I personally love your blog! It is so great!
So I have a question...
I like a guy, but he is a TOTAL player. He just makes me feel so good about myself, though. He tells me that he likes me, but then I just see him flirt with other girls. What should I do??!!
Your FRIEND!
Hey Maureen,
Reading your blog makes me so insanely happy. Are you sure we can't convince you to do BEDAY which is, of course, (b)log(e)very (d)ay(a)ll(y)ear. I'll understand if you say no... or if you run away screaming. But I can still hope.
Sarah
Hey Maureen,
My teacher was wondering this about authors yesterday: How much of your work is truly original? She thinks that there aren't any original ideas anymore and wants your opinion on that.
And my question would be: What is your opinion on fruitcake?
Hahaha!
This is one of your best ideas yet Maureen! Just yesterday my friend asked me for advice on how to get rid of a boy. Having not read this blog yet I did not know what to say. Next time I will be prepared with this wonderful answer.
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