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Monday, February 16, 2009


Every year, come February, people are filled with questions about the nature of love. Personally, I would have tried to skip over Valentine's Day, but my birthday falls just two days after (today, the 16th). I am, in essence, a creature of Valentine's Day. Cupid himself, the fat little monster, presided over my birth. So it is only natural that I am an expert in all things romance.

I've tried to cover up this fact for a long time, because I didn't want to show off. But I feel it's time to come clean and put my special abilities to good use.

I have been collecting up QUESTIONS OF LOVE in the last few days. Every day for the rest of this month*, I will attempt to answer at least one QUESTION OF LOVE.

Today's question . . .

Beth asks:
What are the top 5 worst declarations of love in literature?

5. The Seagull, Anton Chekhov

Treplyov: I wrote a very modern, incomprehensible play for you to star in. Because I know you want to be an actress.
Nina: Oh, thanks!
Treplyov: And I shot you this seagull, because it kind of reminded me of you.
Nina: What?

awkward silence

Treplyov: I’ll just leave it here.

Do. Not. Want.

4. Oedipus Rex, Sophocles

Oedipus: Oh my wife, you are so hot.
Jocasta: I know. And so are you. We’re both really hot. Isn’t it great that two totally hot people could meet and get married?
Oedipus: It is. We even look alike! It’s like we’re RELATED or something!


Oedipus: By the way, did I mention that the oracle thinks I’m going to murder my dad and marry my MOM?
Jocasta: Why, no. Good thing I’m not your mom, huh?


Oedipus: Yeah, and it turns out I was some random abandoned baby left on a hill, and that the people I thought were my parents aren’t—so it was pretty pointless for me to run away from them, because I was scared I might marry my mom. And then I randomly killed some dude on a road, and then I solved a puzzle, and I got to marry you. Which was awesome. Why were you single? You’re so hottttttt!
Jocasta: Someone randomly killed my husband on a road.
Oedipus: Weird. But at least you didn’t have a baby and then just leave it on a hill . . .
Jocasta: This is awkward. I’d better go kill myself now.

Google "unclaimed children." Stop talking to Sphinxes. Put on some pants.

3. Hamlet, Shakespeare

Ophelia is sewing in her room when Hamlet, her boyfriend, runs in, half-undressed, covered in filth. He stares at her. And stares. And stares. And grabs her arm. And stares. And runs away.

Ophelia: What the @%^$?


2. “Saul is a Weird Dad,” The Book of Samuel, Chapter 18

Your daughter Michol is my main squeeze. We must be married! You are her dad. Please let me.
Saul: Well . . . only if you get me 100 pieces of skin. Guy skin. You know what I mean.
David: What?
Saul: You know. I want you to go kill 100 guys and give me the skin from their . . . you know.
David: Are you saying what I think you are saying?

Saul stares inscrutably into the distance and nods.

David: Seriously? Can’t I just, get you a cow or something? Or a bunch of really awesome rocks?
Saul: NO!

David goes off and kills 200 guys, comes back with 200 pieces of you-know-what skin.

David: Look, here. Just . . . just take them. Can I please marry Michol now?
Saul: Two hundred pieces of [DELETED] skin! TWICE as many as I wanted! Go and marry my daughter, who will not be consulted in this process!

Saul runs off, with his bag of [DELETED].

David: Dude. You are so creepy.


David: And why did I bring twice as many as he asked for?
[Saul, in the distance: I am so Youtubing this s%^t!]


1. Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare

Juliet: I love you so much, I’m going to pretend to be dead and get buried. Also, I’m 14 years old.
Romeo: Oh no! You are dead! I am going to drink this poison I have in my pocket!
Juliet: Oh no! You are for reals dead! Fake death fail! I am going to drink your leftover poison! Wait . . . none left! Poison fail! Then I will stab myself!


(Seriously. If anyone tells you this is a romantic play, DO NOT DATE THEM. MAJOR READING COMPREHENSION ERROR.)

Dating fail.

Do YOU have questions? Perhaps I can help. The MONTH OF LOVE** starts now.

* Or, you know, whatever.
** Or, you know, whatever.

Labels: ,


Blogger goooooood girl said...

your blog is feel good......

10:03 AM  
Blogger Thao said...

nice blog! : D

10:18 AM  
Blogger love.life.fool said...

i must say... that was informing... and hilarious... all at the same time.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

haha! that was great! "Fake death fail!". I almost think this question was asked by someone I know...same name also. hmm.

10:31 AM  
Blogger ehmkay said...


It's insane how many times Ive had to argue how unromantic Romeo and Juliet is. It was especially fun arguing about it with my teacher in ninth grade English. I won. :D

This post made me LOL.


Hmm a question:

Have you ever legitimately received a "bad pick-up line?" If so, please elaborate.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Mitzy said...

hahaha those are too funny! I love the picture and "dating fail." I am assuming that is in reference to the amazing "fail" bumper stickers (those are my favorite!!)

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Karen said...

I would like to know what you think are the BEST five declarations of love in literature!

Also, list what you think are the cutest and not-so-cutest celebrity couples. :P

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Emanuel said...

Happy Birthday Maureen! ('tis the 16th in my timezone, so HA!)

And for your birthday, I finally managed to get my hands on that copy of Suite Scarlett that's been On Loan at the library since the dawn of time!
Your birthday makes me happy :)

12:00 PM  
Blogger Monica said...

Right on. I've actually read all of those. Theatre win!

Thanks for making me laugh! Today's been a long day of love-related angst from guys who should have grown out of it by now (they're 25, 28 and 29). Srsly.

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was so funny

Happy Birthday!

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Seagull has to be my favorite worst declaration of love in lit.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Chelsea said...

Wow. Awkward. Although if someone shot a seagull for me, I'd probably just say, "I do," right on the spot.

Or, you know, whatever.

5:54 PM  
Blogger AC said...

Definitely a fun read for a Monday morning--you're awesome!

"poison fail!" made me laugh. There are so many fails in that play it's ridiculous.

6:21 PM  
Blogger ewoklove said...

Maureen, I love you. Here is the jellyfish I caught for you. ...


Happy Birthday!

And I want you to answer Karen's question, but I also want to know your answer to the love question I had back when it really mattered. (Not anymore, been married nearly fifteen years.)

***What if you are generally a very outgoing and funny person, but when you are around that person who makes your heart flipflop you get all stupid and awkward and mumbly? Do you have a brilliant tactic to make your true awesome self known, rather than the stumbling moronic dork that takes over your body when you like a boy?***

6:32 PM  
Blogger ellie_enchanted said...

Great blog post! And happy birthday!

And also, though this is slightly random, that whole thing with David? It's in the book of Samuel. Not Kings. Just thought you might want to know.
(I just had a test on that book. So...yeah.)

7:54 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

That was AWESOME.

Happy birthday Maureen! Hope your day is more pleasant than all of those declarations of love!

7:58 PM  
Anonymous Marigail said...

Actually, the Saul story is in 1 Samuel. What a weird guy.

Also, happy birthday.

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Elena said...

Happy Birthday, Maureen!
This blog brought me lots of joy. Lots more joy than those declarations have ever brought.

9:23 PM  
Blogger Callidora said...

Hope you have a wonderful birthday, Maureen. :o)

10:09 PM  
Blogger Hollishillis said...

That was awesome Maureen.
Happy Birthday!

10:22 PM  
Blogger Khy said...

I completely agree about Romeo and Juliet.

Also, HAPPY MERRY JOYOUS CHIPPER WONDROUS FAWESOME NERDFIGHTASTIC BIRTHDAY! Hope you have a giant jubilee filled with cake and other sorts of sugary goodness.

11:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11:36 PM  
Blogger Marcy Jo said...


Brilliantly hilarious!

Happy Birthday!

11:45 PM  
Blogger Nicci said...

HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud and snorted.

I hope the fat little monster (Cupid) was good to you!

Happy Birthday!

11:52 PM  
Blogger valerie2776 said...

Hahah I *love* the last one.

So great!

Happy birthday!!

12:03 AM  
Blogger suchducks said...

HAH. Maureen, this is kind of awesome. I starred it in my google reader and EVERYTHING. Remind me to show this to my Lit teacher later.

And Happy Birthday!!

12:03 AM  
Blogger TJ Brown said...

LOL great blog. Oh, to have a man shoot a seagul for love of me. Ahem.

12:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy birthday maureen!! i hope the tieresias has a much better oracle for you than oedipus :)

12:04 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I think Taylor Swift ought to read this blog so that she can see her illusions about the allusions in her song "Love Story."

12:04 AM  
Anonymous Maddy said...

Haha, that was awesome. I totally agree with you about Romeo and Juliet. I hope you have a great birthday, by the way! :)

12:06 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Excellent blog, once again! Thank you for warning us of the dangers of interpreting literature as being romantic ;)
I read it to my English major roommate and she enjoyed it very much.

Also ... Happy Birthday!!!!!

12:07 AM  
Blogger LoonyLoopyLuna said...

This made me smile. :)

And happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just read this out loud to my roommate and she didn't understand. Oh, sigh. Maybe it was because I was laughing too hard to act read it correctly.

12:07 AM  
Blogger Ariel said...

I think I enjoy your interpretation of Hamlet best.
And I will be certain not to date anyone with a reading comprehension issue. Also, if they should inquire as to why, I shall direct them to this blog.

12:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Maureen!!!

Now I'm excited to read Hamlet and read the actual dialog t see what happens(though yours is much more entertaining.

12:07 AM  
Blogger Phoenix_Rising said...

The Romeo and Juliet thing is completely true.
In celebration of your birthday I am rereading Devilish because it is currently the closest book of yours on my pile of books that I love.

12:07 AM  
Anonymous dozzzier said...

You have more issues than National Geographic. That's a GOOD thing. :D

You've got to be the most hilarious crazy person whose writings I've ever had the pleasure of reading. (Yes, this is shameless flattery. That doesn't make it any less true.)

This is my favorite fail blog in the history of the genre. Granted, this is the only fail blog I've ever read, so that also makes it my LEAST favorite fail blog...but let's not get into semantics.

Happy Birthday!

12:08 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Another declaration-of-love fail: Arthur to Morgaine, The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley.
Arthur: You robbed my cradle. I will love you forever. $#*! You're my sister!
Morgaine: Who cares? I'm in love with your best friend, who is mutually in love with your future wife. None of us will ever be happy anyway!

12:10 AM  
Blogger Sash said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Just so you know, I'm new to your blog and have been using past posts to cheer myself up today. Thank you!

12:12 AM  
Blogger Chirstina Lee said...

Awesome blog post! I can't wait for the next one.

Happy Birthday!!!

12:12 AM  
Anonymous Laura b said...

You make me so happy!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

12:12 AM  
Anonymous Kristin said...


12:12 AM  
Blogger hannah said...

this is one of the best blogs you've done! Maureen the Love Doctor. i shall call you Dr.Love. hows that, maybe something better. i will work on it but in the meantime keep on coming with the advice and wisdom. :D

Happy Birthday!!!

12:13 AM  
Blogger AndyPants said...

You're so right on with all of those.

12:13 AM  
Blogger rubber ducky said...

I laughed so much during this blog, my roommate started to look at me funny.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know 2 people who have the same birthday as you, one of which is my sister. :)

12:13 AM  
Blogger Becca said...

Happy Birthday Maureen!
Fake death fail FTL!

12:13 AM  
Blogger Chelsea said...

I'm so glad someone else thinks tht Romeo and Juliet isn't romantic.
Happy Birthday.

p.s. Can you explain to me why boys are so lame and are only attracted to girls who are fake instead of girls who are funny and tell it like it is?
Thank you.


12:13 AM  
Blogger buriedsunshine said...

Happy Birthday!!!

When's Volume 2? :D

12:14 AM  
Anonymous Laura said...

Wow, this was totally fool.

Happy birthday Maureen!

12:14 AM  
Blogger TheKnittingViolinist said...

this blog makes my life. i was especially tickled by #4. thanks for the lurrrve advice!

12:15 AM  
Anonymous Shelby said...

I loved this blog!
Made me laugh!<3

12:17 AM  
Blogger Rachael said...

Romeo and Juliet is totally the least romantic story ever... and kind of pathetic.

Also, Romeo is a ridiculous coward. If you're gonna hit on anyone in that play, go with Mercutio.

Got any advice for how to try to get to someone better and spend time with them without automatically seeming like you're hitting on them?

Love your books... must read your blog more.

12:18 AM  
Blogger Mego said...

This is brilliant.

Thanks. :)

12:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!

(And I completely agree on the Romeo and Juliet front.)

-HannaH L.

12:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday! Those are quite epic declaration failures.
My favorite is in Gone With the Wind.

Scarlett: I only know that I love you.
Rhett Butler: That's your misfortune.

Probably my favorite because someone actually said that to me once.

(couldn't resist!)

12:21 AM  
Blogger jujubee said...

i personally think Romeo and Juliet should have been a murder suicide play, but Shakespeare put all his eggs in Titus Andronicus' basket instead. And, ho hum, out he came with that old standby, two star-crossed lovers blah blah blah. whatever.
Happy Birthday.

12:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. Almost everyone I know is always going: "Awww, Romeo and Juliet!" No, tis not at all romantic. Not in any meaning or implication of the word.
Happy Birthday!

12:21 AM  
Blogger Mego said...

Haha. So I said thanks a second ago, but you probably don't know why. It didn't really make sense. Stupid. Okay, so thanks for being awesome and brilliant and writing this because it definitely made my day. I agree with these. Haha. :)

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anna C. said...

Random commenter book giveaways are the best! =)
So I was wondering... have you ever had a guy friend that was a good friend, then one day he tells you you betrayed his trust and he doesn't know if you can be friends anymore but you have NO IDEA what he's talking about and he starts ignoring you... then all of a sudden he starts pretending everything is hunky-dory and avoids talking about what's important? Anyways... have a spectacular birthday! =D

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Kbear said...

Today was a holiday where I lived...for no apparent reason, so i decided to spend 3 hours of my very exciting life reading all of the entries you have ever put on your blog.
They made my day :)
Also, Romeo and Juliet were definately THE epitome of dating fail!
Anyhow, hope you had a Supercallafrajalisticexpealladociously awesome birthday!

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Susie Driver said...

Happy Birthday!

The one about the skin is just disturbing. ;)

I love how you transform something ordinary and make it extraordinary.

12:23 AM  
Blogger colleen said...

Happy birthday Maureen! I hope you have a wonderful day, week, year, life in general! I lent 13 Little Blue Envelopes to a friend, but the badger diaries has made me want to re-read it. I need to subtly find a way to ask for the book back, but it will be ... difficult nonetheless because I'm sure he's enjoying it and I don't want to take away the pleasure.

12:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hulluuuu :)

12:25 AM  
Anonymous Beckster4491 said...

I imagine your birthday cake decorated with tiny plastic zombies on top of it... and oranges, they could be the brains. Sounds delicious. perhaps I'm insane. Happy Birthday!

12:25 AM  
Anonymous David said...

Loved it!

I never understood why people thought Romeo and Juliet was romantic. If they had just been able to wait a few weeks they could have gotten married and less people would have died.

12:27 AM  
Anonymous Hannah said...

Agreed, especially Romeo and Juliet. It has some cool lines but it's NOT romantic. Although now I'd like to know which are the most romantic according to you.

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Reese said...

Oh, 'Oedipus', how you exude incestual and tragic entertainment. Fab blog, Maureen, and happy birthday to ya, doll. :]

12:30 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Happy Birthday to you, Maureen. ^_^

12:31 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

absolutely great... oh maureen johnson you are an absolutely amazing author.

12:32 AM  
Blogger amy said...

I like the seagull one: "Do. Not. Want."
Your blog is hilarious, and your books are awesome!
Happy Birthday!

12:33 AM  
Blogger Rebecca L said...

awesome blog entry :D
love? what? pshhh... haha

12:34 AM  
Anonymous Katie Wak said...

This made my day. Happy Birthday Maureen! I hope you have a made of awesome day!

12:36 AM  
Blogger librarian pirate said...

Happy Birthday!!! I am a children's department and today I just happen to have gotten a slew of teenagers looking for good books and I sent them right upstairs to check you out. Just 'cause I work downstairs doesn't mean I don't love me some YA!

12:38 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

LOVE this entry! Still laughing...

Apparently you and my diary have the same birthday. :) Happy Birthday!

12:39 AM  
Anonymous Christie said...

Hahaha this is amazing.
And have a very happy birthday today!! :)
<3 Christie

12:39 AM  
Blogger grace said...

Happy Birthday! Love your blog. My favorite part was the Juliet quote. "You are for reals dead!"...lol...timeless

12:41 AM  
Blogger Lil said...

Wow. Just wow.

You so made my day! Bad romance lines FTW! Especially Romeo and Juliet...

You rock MJ!

12:41 AM  
Blogger Allie_32 said...

Awesome!!!! Happy Birthday!!!!

12:43 AM  
Anonymous Kelsey said...

Happy Birthday!!!! Celebrate with books, cake, and parties!

12:46 AM  
Blogger lauren said...

Hahahaha! Your blog is always full of epic win, Maureen, but this was more awesome than usual. Bad romantic literature FTW.

Happy birthday!

12:47 AM  
Blogger Meghan said...

Happy birthday, Maureen! I am currently stuck at O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Fun stuff, I tell you. People are probably wondering why I'm smirking. Your blogs are always laugh-inducing. =)

12:48 AM  
Blogger Lis and Chelle said...

This is a thing of beauty. I laughed so hard, and it was such a pick me up since my work day has been such crap! Thanks

12:51 AM  
Anonymous Katie said...

Happy Birthday Maureen!!!
I laughed so hard at the Romeo and Juliet one. Dating Fail. I have always said that it wasn't romantic. Just the other day my sister and I were talking about the wierdness of Oedipus.

I have a question...
OK, so I am the one sad girl who has never had a boyfriend. I just want to know if you have any "Rules of Dating" for us beginners.

12:53 AM  
Anonymous Fabiola Accomando said...

that was freaking hilarious! I love how you translated it into like modern day lingo. haha great! cant wait for the upcoming blogs!

12:55 AM  
Blogger Bei said...

Happy birthday, Maureen!
You are so funny and so inventive!!
Never stop writing!!

12:56 AM  
Blogger Nadia Murti said...

Question of Love:

How do you get a creepy guys who likes you off your back?


12:57 AM  
Anonymous Ali said...

LOL. 'Put on some pants' - sound advice which could in fact be applied to many romance dilemmas. You are so very wise MJ :)

And Happy Birthday again!

12:57 AM  
Blogger K. said...

That David-killing-for-you-know-whats-for-Saul story makes me cringe. So awkward to study that one in theology freshman year.

Happy birthday, Maureen, from a fellow it-looked-like-fun-non-Catholic-Catholic-school-attendee!

1:00 AM  
Blogger Molly Jo said...

You know, an ex told me his favorite Shakespearean play was R&J and I totally didn't pick up on it being a bad sign. I didn't think it was romantic, though. I should have thought "Oh, that's dumb. Moving on." Oops.

1:00 AM  
Blogger Katie C. said...

The Blog of Love does not disappoint!! :) Thank you for, again, sharing your fantastic insights with us.
For the record, number four is my favorite. Paraphrase Win. :)

1:05 AM  
Blogger Renee said...

I have no questions about love. This perplexes me. I should have SOME questions about love.

Lemme think.

Oh, do you think it's awesome to have a Halloween wedding or completely lame? I'm totally making everyone dress in costume and my fiance and I are going to dress in pretty fancy old-timey clothes and...

Well, people keep telling me it's lame. But I think a regular old white wedding is borrrrrring. I wanted to do something different, you know?

So, we're probably doing a Halloween wedding.


Do you think they're lame?

Hope you're doing well.


1:10 AM  
Anonymous Nora said...

The Blog of Love is as good as The Rock of Love and even better than The Flavor of Love.

Happy Birthday!

1:10 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I can agree with all of the above couples esp. Romeo and Juliet.

1:10 AM  
Blogger Brittani said...

Happy Birthday! Awesome blog. =)

- Britt

1:17 AM  
Anonymous Tessa said...

Remember, Share The Cake, don't hog it all!
Happy Birthday MJ!!

1:18 AM  
Blogger Candy said...

Happy Birthday!

I love your re-tellings of existing literature. You look at the world in a way that is just so much funnier than how it presents itself to most, and that must be a great way to live :)


1:20 AM  
Blogger Bree said...

This blog made me ridiculously happy.

1:24 AM  
Blogger LaBelleRiviere said...

that was funny as hell especially since I knew exactly what you were talking about except for the one with the dead seagull.

1:33 AM  
Blogger juksie said...

this may be the greatest thing i've ever read.

1:34 AM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

You make me smile. Like EVERY time I look at your blog. Or your website. Or your YouTube channel. Or your MySpace. Or your books. Thanks.

-Jocelyn, Super Librarian

1:35 AM  
Blogger Dasha said...

This is awesome. WANT MORE BLOG OF LOVE!

Also, incidentally, happy birthday :D

1:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha :) But i still love romeo and juliet :)

Happy Birthday!

1:36 AM  
Blogger Kaitlyn said...

Best literary analysis ever. I feel as though you understand on a very fundamental level.

1:40 AM  
Anonymous Alexandra said...

This made my day! XD

1:42 AM  
Blogger Sparks-of-Magic said...

I must say I find your reworking of the words for each unromantic moment quite hilarious. Especially for the first one. hahaha.

Thank you for making Romeo and Juliet number one, that made my day.

Happy Birthday!

1:43 AM  
Blogger Amee said...

Happy birthday Maureen!

1:43 AM  
Blogger meganlucinda said...

The Seagull!

I wonder what that guy on my street would say if I shot him a seagull...

Your blogs bring out my crazy.
Even though I aready wrote it on your Facebook wall...
But you didn't know that because you don't know me.
Awesome, I'm a stalker as well as crazy now.
I'm a crazy stalker!


1:45 AM  
Anonymous Katie K said...

Happy Birthday!

1:50 AM  
Blogger Winter Breeze said...

In English class we were talking about the Oedipus complex. You know, where everyone wants to kill their parent of the same gender and marry the one of the opposite gender. Let me say that there is NO WAY THIS IS TRUE. I don't care what my frikkin' id says, this is CREEPY.

And Happy Birthday Maureen!

1:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On the bright side, you can buy cheap chocolate. =P

"Fake death fail".

1:57 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

Happy Birthday! You have the same birthday as my best friend.

2:02 AM  
Blogger Nadia said...

LOL, that was hilarious!! :P I love your love blog! :) I can't wait for the next one! :)...oh! and Happy Birthday! :D

2:04 AM  
Anonymous noel! said...

Oedipus! Hahaha. That makes me laugh! :)

2:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


2:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!

2:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


xoxoxo Brittany

2:19 AM  
Anonymous Michael christesen said...

I just loled my booty off

2:19 AM  
Anonymous Rhonda Sue Weasley said...

David: And why did I bring twice as many as he asked for?
[Saul, in the distance: I am so Youtubing this s%^t!]

And I loved your summary of Oedipus Rex. XDDD

2:26 AM  
Anonymous Rhonda Sue Weasley said...

P.S. The captcha for this new comment fits so well with the theme today, I had to leave another.


Good times. xD

2:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!
Ah, love. Hilariousness....

But! I also have a question. Say, say, there is this guy, who may be a werewolf. Who for several years avoided you for no reason, and now may not be a avoiding you, except sometimes he may be, except maybe you were the one actually avoiding him, and what was even going on in those days before he was avoiding you anyway, and maybe your friends think he is a time-traveling poisoner who travels through the ages poisoning badass people for their wardrobe and then recording it in his LiveJournal.
...that was not phrased as a question, apparently. Alright, say, say, if I wanted to go about finding the non-sucky kind of mind-reading (I know mind reading usually sucks, I've read Midnighters enough times), so I could understand this whole situation. How would I do that? I've been thinking trying to find a magical genie in a tuba or something, but I've been so far unsuccessful.

....that was far too long.

2:27 AM  
Blogger Cleverest_Witch said...

Maureen, I completely adore your sense of humor. I hope your birthday has been as made of awesome as you are because you deserve it.

Have fun and I'll see you in less than a week in Westport!


2:31 AM  
Blogger Anila said...

I love your books! Also,, (<- there are two commas there because I dropped a piece of chocolate on my keyboard and then picked it up and ate it) Romeo and Juliet has to be Shakespeare at his worst. These two kids killed themselves over infatuation!! Awful.

2:35 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

I totally want a guy to give me a dead seagull because it reminds him of me. Lol, wow.

Happy Birthday Maureen! I hope you have a wonderful day. :D

2:37 AM  
Anonymous Dimitra said...

Happy Birthday!
Romeo and Juliet is my least favorite Shakespeare. I also love your Oedipus/Jocasta dialogue. *wants free book*

2:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday Maureen! I have a love question for you - How do I amalgamate my love for vastly different things? My love for Jane Austen and zombies has already been combined in what can only be a gift from god. But what about my love of cheese and converses? Or my passion for monkeys and yo gabba gabba?

2:50 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

This was great!
Happy birthday, MJ!

2:52 AM  
Blogger Joanna said...

I have always thought that about Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet. Seriously, Shakespeare had a crazy idea of love.

3:05 AM  
Blogger Hannah said...

I couldn't agree more about Romeo and Juliet! I have never understood why people found that romantic! haha, this post is awesome. Can't wait for the others!

(Also, I'm gunning for that free book... yeah twitter! :))

3:06 AM  
Anonymous Maylene Su said...

haha ... very interesting and amusing at the same time
I love it!
I hope this special day turns out to be one of the best.

3:07 AM  
Blogger Travis said...

Maureen, do ANY Shakespeare plays feature a normal version of love? Take "The Taming of the Shrew," for example. Or "A Midsummer Night's Dream."

Actually, playwrights in general have an odd sense of love, don't they?

3:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Maureen! I hope you liked your video. (I was in it.)

Regarding love between fictional characters: What do you think of Heathcliff and Cathy?

3:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate Romeo and Juliet and anything else it has spawned because that shit is just not romantic. Not even West Side Story. It all makes me ill.

Oedipus was another one that made me go "WTF?" when I read it in high school.

3:16 AM  
Blogger slowtrain said...

Oh Maureen, how would I ever get along without you?!?
Now, thanks to you, I am fully aware of exactly what "romantic" situations to run away from should they ever occur in my daily life... as I am sure they someday will

3:17 AM  
Blogger Maria D'Isidoro said...

1. *ahem* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
2. I once considered Romeo and Juliet to be the stupidest couple in literature that I knew of and thought of their suicides as a public service.... then I read Twilight. Woe is me.
3. My Valentines day reading consisted of Devilish 8D and having gone to a Catholic school in my dark, distant past(but never distant enough; I think nuns are specially trained with sniper rifles that throw chalk and javelin tossing with rulers), I think an infestation of demons might've been an improvement.

3:21 AM  
Blogger Gina said...

Hahaha this is amazing. I especially love your interpretation of Oedipus Rex.

3:21 AM  
Anonymous Katie :D said...

Hahahaahaa this was hilarious. I almost started laughing out loud, but then I realized that I would probably frighten my family and be sent to a happy place with nice soft yellow walls...Happy birthday! I hope you had an awesomely amazing day, and that there were no jellyfish.

3:25 AM  
Blogger EmPbooklover said...

wow I'd say that this is pretty awesome!Great way to spread the cheer with some Valentines fails! I just finished reading Oedipus in school actually.. it was interesting to see everyone's reactions. I would love to see some of these stories put into modern time...
Happy Birthday!!

3:25 AM  
Blogger betty said...

I was laughing so hard at the your interpretation of Romeo and Juliet. It is so true.

Happy Birthday!


3:28 AM  
Blogger S. Barrett said...

Great post, and happy birthday! May you get many things nice and shiny! It's my father's birthday as well, so maybe this was a special, sekrit way to get me to remember... but that's another story... Anyway, like I said, think shiny today. Silver. Other metals. Mirrors (unless you're RPattz, of course).

3:31 AM  
Anonymous ladyillogic said...

*Sorry if this is a repeat post. I am not tech-savvy.*

Happy birthday! I hope that the Jonas brothers, JKR, ninjas, etc. all leave you alone and let you celebrate in peace.

My question for you is this: where did all the good guys go? Were they abducted for alien research? Did they all go on a cruise and get sucked into a whirlpool? Did they turn into furniture? WHERE ARE THEY?

3:33 AM  
Anonymous Sarah Saville (and Penguin) said...

Am I a random commenter? *puppy-eyes*

I would also like to repeat that you should tell your friend that "property of zombie" is the only thing one can print on a burger/steak/other-meaty-or-vegitarian-things.

^^,) Sarah and Penguin saying HI and happy birthday from Sweden.

3:35 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Wow. This was pretty epic... I especially loved the Oedipus interpretation. Amazing!

Happy birthday!

3:36 AM  
Blogger Anila said...

I forgot to click on the unsubscribe button here and now I'm getting all these notifications from people who are writing comments to get your book.

There's like a new one every two seconds.

It's making my head hurt. As well as spamming my inbox.

3:39 AM  
Blogger Christopher said...

Happy Birthday! (Your birthday is on Presidents' Day, does that make you a President?)

I was going to say you always know how to make me smile, even if I've never read any of your books... then I remembered Let It Snow, so I guess that counts. (No Maureen in the school bookstore, and no Maureen in any of the libraries.)

triblev - the act of levitating on MJ's Birthday

3:40 AM  
Blogger Literary Adventures said...

Happy Birthday Maureen! DFTBA.

3:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg! happy birthday! hilarious blo!!!!
Question- what is your take on the Jonas Brother's love life? :P

3:43 AM  
Blogger Marvelous Maggie said...

Your interpretations are spot on, I must say. My favorite is so the Saul and David one.

"Look, here. Just... just take them."

And I also fail to see the romance in Romeo and Juliet. I just see lots and lots of stupid.

Anyway, bravo, Maureen! And happy birthday!


3:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Maureen!
I very much enjoyed the Romeo and Juliet one.. Especially the last Juliet quote there.
'You are for reals dead! Fake death fail!'
I made my sister read it, because she is studying Romeo and Juliet in school, and it's always good to have an understanding of how horribly wrong the romance goes BEFORE you say "Aww.. how cute.."
Also, that same quote made me crack up because it sounds EXACTLY like something my friend Jessa would say. I saw her saying it in my head while I read it, and I 'for reals' almost fell off my chair.
So I will leave you with the lyrics of my favorite Happy Birthday song to commemorate this day, and I hope you give me a book. :)

Once a year we celebrate,
With stupid hats and plastic plates,
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun.
And the whole clan gathers ‘round,
And gifts and laughter do abound.
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song.

Happy birthday!
Now you’re one year older.
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn’t over.
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much.
But you didn’t die this year, I guess that’s good enough.

So let’s drink to your fading health,
And hope you don’t remind yourself,
Your chance of finding fame and wealth,
Decrease with every year.
‘Cause if you feel you’re doing laps,
And eating food and taking naps,
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life may hold some cheer.

Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You’re starting to get fatter.
Happy birthday!
It’s downhill from now on.
Try not to remind yourself your best years are all gone.

If cryogenics were all free,
Then you could live like Walt Disney.
And live for all eternity,
inside a block of ice.
But instead your time is set.
This is the only life you get.
And though it hasn’t ended yet,
Sometimes you wish it might.

Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money.
Happy birthday!
Your life’s so sad it’s funny.
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry, so just cut the stupid cake.

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Dear Maureen!!!!

OH, and a love question:
How do you tell a guy you LIKE like him when you don't really know him and you think he might like like you too but, again, you don't really know him so it's hard to tell? An example of a such situation would be a great help. :)

3:55 AM  
Blogger Juanita said...

Fake death fail was the best part of this blog. Happy birthday!

3:57 AM  
Blogger KelseyPants said...

Happy Birthday Maureen!

3:57 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

Hilarity! I truly hope this does go on every day in February. Or, you know, whatever.
PS: Happy Birthday!

4:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Lindsay W.

4:18 AM  
Blogger gabgirl94 said...

haha that was so funny! i just finished oedipus rex in school and your interpretation is so funny! however, i just want to point out that michal is the only woman in jewish scripture that there is a verse that says she loved a man. so she was not upset about marrying him, as you suggested.

4:20 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

That was brilliant!

As per above- you will find that the song of songs (shir hashirim) has several passages which appear to be (song of songs is confusing) from the point of view of a woman in love with a man. But whatever.

4:27 AM  
Anonymous poodle649 said...

That was quite LOVEly. No, um, really...

4:30 AM  
Anonymous Becky D. said...

Happy Birthday!!!

4:33 AM  
Anonymous sarah said...

im reading you book, which i am enjoying.

and Happy Birthday. its my dads birthday too. and Ice-T's birthday. i find that funny.

when my english class watched romeo and juliet, we watched that part where she stabs herself like twenty times trying to figure out how it works.
=) good times...

6:39 AM  
Anonymous Cris said...

Happy Birthday!

6:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was great.
and i have to agree,
Oedipus=just wrong
we read that in school, and the whole class was just like, wait wut did he do? He wut with his mom? how could he do that? wow he's dumb.
And Happy Happy Birthday!

7:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maureen, did you not pick up on the fact that Hamlet could communicate telepathically? He was obviously sending Ophelia love signals. As for Ophelia, she thought that the declaration may have come a smidgen too soon and that he was a little forward with his thoughts.

7:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And, of course, happy birthday, Maureen! What better way to extend the annual celebration of love than to celebrate in your honor? Hope you had a great day!

7:27 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

What's your take on long distance relationships during college? Any tips on getting past crushes on people in long distance relationships, haha? You can never have too many friends. Am I the only one who thinks platonic love is chronically undervalued?

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Rah said...

Happy Birthday lovely person!

5:07 PM  
Blogger Miss Hannah said...

I know this isn't exactly a romance question, but are you at least partially responsible for this (http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347)? I thought your zombie salon from days of yore might have been the birthplace of such awesomeness.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous SEliz said...

Happy Birthday, Maureen! You are the awesome-est of awesome.

YAY BLOG OF LOVE!!!!! This is so happy. Tee hee

Two questions of Love:
1) How does one get rid of stalkerish, unwamted suitors who are basically nice, but you don't want to be proposed to everyday and you're afraid they might if you don't run away.

2) How does one deal with epic dreams of world-saving with girlfriend-having guy who, in the dream, professes his undying love to you. You're also in the same play where the two of you play squabbling lovers. How does one remedy this?

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so thrilled about the MEGAHUGEGINORMOUS booksigning in NYC....

10:06 AM  
Blogger Michal Chinn said...

Correction on the David, Saul, you-know-what-skin story.
Her name was Michal.

I know this because my name is also Michal, I was named after David's wife.
She died old, alone and barren.
Thanks, Mom.

8:00 PM  
Anonymous Effy said...

OH MY... Jane Austen and Zombies together?? Wowww


12:50 AM  
Blogger Kelly Fineman said...

Genius. Love Ophelia's line in particular.

6:05 AM  
Blogger angela said...

You, Maureen, are a legend. or will be. Or will become. Well, I will honor your blog as long as it doesnt turn into a tragic "love" story that really is just a tragedy. poor Sakespeare,. I think when people doubt Shakespeare didn't write his stuff, they overlooked the fact they didn't have addictive painkillers back then so what was a guy to do except make plays? I mean, honestly people it's a simple solution.

P.S. I left my questions on Facebook.

7:14 AM  
Blogger Nadia Murti said...

Sorry; I made a typo earlier and it was annoying me.

*Question of Love:

How do I get a creepy guy who likes me off my back?

12:29 AM  
Anonymous Joey-la said...

here is my question:

what do you do if one of your best (male) friends likes you, and you don't like them back??


9:24 AM  
Anonymous JK said...

Hahaha. I just finished reading Oedipus the King last month. Hilarious. You'd think one of them would notice when they each had the EXACT same prophecy.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Bridget said...

Darnay: Hey, Dr. Manette, I really love your daughter, Lucie. Has she said anything about me?
Manette: (eyes get big and wide)
Darnay: I know she's important to you. I promise I won't take her away from you.
Manette: (more stunned silence)
Darnay: Really, I love her!
Manette: Ooooooooookay...
Darnay: Oh, and by the way, I'm going to tell you my real name.
Manette: Aaaah! Don't do that! Stop! No!
Darnay: Ooooooooookay...
Manette: After the wedding, then. If you get married.
Darnay: Sure! And if she asks, will you tell her what I said? But only if she asks, okay? Thanks, bye!


Stryver: I'm going to marry Miss Manette!
Lorry: Uhhh... bad idea.

(Even Later)

Carton: Can I tell you something?
Lucie: Sure!
Carton: I really really love you, and I feel compelled to say this even though we'll never be together and I'm actually okay with that because I'm such a horrible person and my life sucks but I'm really not okay because if I was okay I wouldn't be standing in the middle of the room talking about how much I love you and I know you'll never love me and I'm actually okay with that and I'll just stop talking now.
Lucie: Is there anything I can do?
Carton: No.
Lucie: I'm sorry about that.
Carton: Yeah.

3:33 AM  
Blogger Bridget said...

Sorry I didn't introduce the above. I finished reading A Tale of Two Cities for class and if you wanna talk about worst declarations of love...

3:36 AM  
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