MY LITTLE HAMMER

I just got to England. I’m sitting here now with my tea. I Twittered about my plane, which was called the Dancing Queen, and the fact that they played Abba on the Dancing Queen, and then the Dancing Queen got stuck on the runway for about three hours because Air Force One had just been at JFK and all the planes were backed up.

Just in case you think I make these things up, I took a picture:



Click the photo to make it bigger. SEE? I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP!

In the last few weeks, MANY things have happened that I need to tell you about. So many things, in fact, that I need to spread them out over a few posts.

Let’s do the most serious news first. I think you know what I am talking about.

No. Not the fact that all the money is broken and Wall Street fell over sideways. I barely noticed that in the face of the REAL NEWS.

The morning I read the REAL NEWS, I had just made myself a smoothie . . . one of my favorite smoothies, in fact. I had all of this great fruit and I had just GONE for it, smoothie-wise. You know when you just GO for it, smoothie-wise? You put it ALL in and you pretty much guarantee yourself a great day? Well, I had done that. And then I sat down and read this.

Dear ABBA lovers! We hereby announce the sad news that it won’t be possible to open the ABBA museum in Stockholm in 2009. The reasons are that the premises where the museum was to be built will not be ready in time and that the project in several respects has become more complex than we had counted on. This is very sad for everyone involved and especially for all the fans the world over who are longing for the day when the museum opens. But please keep a bright outlook on the future – there will be an ABBA museum . . .

About an hour later, when I could lift my head from the desk, I took a sip of my now warm and separated smoothie. It tasted like metal. I mean, a lot like metal. So much like metal that I went and checked the blades on the blender to see if they were still there. They were, but I suspected that I had gotten just a hint-o-blade in my drink. So I poured it down the sink, then I took down my disco ball and peeled off the glass tiles one by one and flicked them against the wall. I was in a funk, and not a good funk, like one that Boostie Collins might drop in on.

I tried listening to “Tiger” and “Does Your Mother Know?” and “Take a Chance on Me”, but nothing worked. Finally, I decided that I had to stop moping and fix my blender and disco ball. And for that, I needed a little hammer. (I have a caveman’s instinct for tools and believe most issues can be resolved with a little hammer, or, if things are VERY serious, my little drill.)

So I went to the subway to go to the store to buy myself a little hammer. On my way there, I saw this newspaper:



WHAT DOES THIS HEADLINE MEAN?

“The world has gone insane,” I mumbled.

So I got my hammer from the Little Hammer Shop and got another subway back home. As I slumped dejectedly in the seat, watching the stations snap past, I saw that the guy next to me was reading “My First Five Husbands” by former Golden Girl Rue McClanahan. I moved closer to him, seat by seat, on the sly.

“You seem sensible,” I said. “What do you think I should do?”

He jumped, startled by my sudden appearance.

“About what?” he asked.

“The Abba Museum,” I explained. “It’s been delayed. They say they have all the costumes and everything to go in it, but the building is taking longer than they thought. I don’t know why it’s so complicated to put up a building. People put up buildings all the time. And I realize this is a VERY IMPORTANT building, but you would think they would use every resource available and . . .”

I guess I took my little hammer out of the bag at some point in all of this and started waving it around in agitation. He moved away a little, very slowly.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Well, what would Rue McClanahan do?”

“I don’t know. Marry someone?”

“That’s not going to help,” I said, in disgust.

“Why don’t you go there,” he added quickly. “You could help them. With that, um, hammer.”

Friends, it was like the sun came out from between the clouds.

“You’re right,” I said. “The Swedes are a very proud people. They didn’t want to ask for my help, even though they needed it! You, sir, are a genius.”

I hurried home and called my beloved agent, Daphne Unfeasible.

“Listen,” I said. “Abba needs my help. It’s urgent. I have to get to Stockholm with my little hammer immediately.”

“Of course they do,” she said. “You and your hammer. Got it.”

“I’ve got to get on a fast plane,” I said, throwing some clothes in a suitcase and gathering up the mirror tiles from my disco ball. “There’s no time to waste.”

“One question,” Daphne said. “Scarlett Fever . . . you know, the book you’re working on?”

“I CAN DO BOTH.”

“Of course you can. But I just need you to know . . .”

“Look,” I said, “I am a professional writer. I can balance my life. I can help build the Abba Museum with a little hammer and write a book at the same time. I can do lots of things at the same time! Remember that time I made you an origami butterfly while summarizing . . . well, not so much summarizing as explaining in detail . . . the entire plot of the movie Xanadu?”

“All too well. The thing is . . .”

“Why can’t you just have FAITH in me?” I demanded.

“I was just talking to your editor, Emma Lollipop, and she was thinking that maybe instead of releasing Scarlett Fever next May, we should wait until just after Christmas. That way we can have a huge summer celebration for the paperback.”

I almost dropped my little hammer in surprise.

“That sounds like a good plan,” I said. “That way lots of people will be able to read the first book before the second comes out!”

“Well, exactly. Now, about this going to Sweden thing . . .”

But I had already dropped the phone. I had packing to do.

So that’s the Scarlett Fever news. I know next Christmas seems CRAZY FAR AWAY, but there will be LOADS going on between now and then. You won’t even NOTICE. Also! Let It Snow, a book I wrote with John Green and Lauren Myracle, is coming out in just over a week! It will be available on October 2nd!

Like I said, I am now in London. I’m here working on Scarlett Fever and YA for Obama . . . because both of those have to get finished before I can bust my way on to the building site in Stockholm.

Actually, I have other reasons for being here as well. And I have THE NAMES OF THE WINNERS OF THE SUITE SCARLETT SWEEPSTAKES!

When will I tell more sekrits? When will I reveal the winners?

TOMORROW.

REALLY, THIS TIME.

COME BACK AND SEE FOR YOURSELF.

(Just a note about YA for Obama . . . I want to thank the readers who aren’t Obama supporters, but still left very nice comments. You guys are awesome! I happen to be very pro-Obama, but I got lots of love in my heart for McCain supporters too. Like my dad, for instance, who is mega-Republican and sent me a nice note just this morning saying he NEEDS John McCain to win, but is still very proud in a dadlike way that I made the Obama site. We may support different people in the election, but we can all be friends! And to all of you who signed up . . . HOORAY! WELCOME!)

ALSO!

I couldn't finish off today's post without an Abba video. This one may be my new favorite. It's for Tiger, and it features Abba! Driving around in a car! Nothing else really happens, but they look fabulous, and I can't stop looking at Anni-Frid's headband! Proof, once again, that Abba can be the most amazing thing in the room without doing ANYTHING AT ALL. (If nothing else, watch at least the first twenty seconds to see "the dance move." Magnificent.)