HOW TO BE A WRITER IN TEN EASY STEPS

First of all, I have a piece of unbearably wonderful news to share. It seems that Devilish, my take on my high school experience (with a few demons added for good measure) has been nominated for the Andre Norton Award. How this piece of extraordinary good fortune came about, I don’t really know—but I am excited all to pieces about it.

For those of you who have never heard of it, the Andre Norton Award is the YA version of the Nebula, the awards given out by the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. The six books on the finalist list this year are:

MAGIC OR MADNESSS by Justine Larbalestier
MIDNIGHTERS #2: TOUCHING DARKNESS by Scott Westerfeld
PEEPS by Scott Westerfeld
DEVILISH by Maureen Johnson
THE KING OF ATTOLIA by Megan Whalen Turner
LIFE AS WE KNEW IT by Susan Beth Pfeffer

So it’s kind of hard to root for myself here. Personally, I’d have to vote for Scott or Justine. I would probably have to flip a coin over it. I mean . . . Magic or Madness and Peeps! And I’ve heard great things about The King of Attolia and Life As We Knew It. What a list!

Thank you, Norton committee for including me with such excellent company.

Now, let’s get to business. I noticed the following comment on my last post.

anonymous said...
How do you BECOME a writer anyway? You've already talked about what they do.

Fair enough, anonymous. Enough jibberjabber about the eating habits of J. Green, the cakemaking of E. Lockhart, and the bone-breaking of Cecil Castellucci. (But don’t think this will be the last time I will put you through this.) I like readers who say what they want.

Let’s take a second to clarify the question—I think you’re asking how you become a professional writer, or someone who writes for a living. The broader question of how one becomes a writer is not one I can answer.

The interweb abounds with information about this subject, some of it solid and good, and some of it terrible. I’ve already told you how to write a book and a little about the publishing process. Let’s look at the general state of being a writer—habits, behaviors, tricks and tips.

I have broken this subject down into ten elements that I feel are critical for any professional writer. You can go about these in any order you like.

1. HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN IN FRONT OF SOME BOOKS.



This is an absolutely essential first step. People forget things easily in our information-rich world. You don’t want people asking, “What’s this person about? Is she an oral surgeon? Is she a lion tamer?” The books will tell them that you are a Serious Writer.

2. OBSESSIVELY CHECK YOUR AMAZON RANK.



This is the true mark of a writer. Everyone does it. Those who say that they do not are lying.

3. MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOME MEDICAL PROFESIONALS.



Because you won’t have health insurance. My mom’s a nurse and can write prescriptions. This helps. You should make similar connections.

4. BE WEIRD.



If you’re a writer, everyone at the publishing company (and pretty much the world at large) already assumes that you’re two sandwiches short of a picnic. You might as well enjoy it.

5. BE AS INTENSE AND POMPOUS AS POSSIBLE.



Look, no one is going to take you seriously unless you show them that you are a force to be reckoned with. You are a Writer, dammit! People owe you respect! If anyone says anything bad about you or your book, go after them and tell them that they are wrong! Take everything personally! Go to their houses, steal their hamsters, leave threatening greeting cards on their doorsteps. Wax insane on your blog about your enemies, both real and imaginary.

Oh wait. No. People hate that. Just go back to point number four.

6. GET SOME HOBBIES.



Writing is solitary. It’s good to have a few outside interests that get you away from your desk. That means that internet surfing, blogging, “researching,” and Googling do not count. Step away from the keyboard.

7. BROOD A LOT ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU SUCK.



Wait . . . you’re saying YOU wrote the worst book/story/play/paper in the world? Because I thought I had. And you, guy over there. You’re saying YOU wrote the worst one? We can’t all be right.

Get in line, Charlie! Every writer claims this, usually at some bleak midpoint. This is pretty much a requirement. Dwelling on it is a great way to use time that you would otherwise fill with tedious writing.

8. MAKE SOME WRITER FRIENDS.



Writers make excellent friends. They will listen to your long, sad stories about how you suck and have no health insurance—and then match them with their own stories about how they suck and have no health insurance. A conversation like this can go on for hours! Blog about the time you spend with them, until someone sends you a comment and tells you to . . . wait. Nevermind. Just get some writer friends.

9. ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU ARE DEEP IN THOUGHT.



Writers are always supposed to be thinking, even when their minds are empty except for the sound of softly chirping birds. Practice your thinking face in your spare time. It helps to touch your chin lightly.

10. KEEP GETTING BACK UP.



You’re going to fall and fail. Keep getting back up. No, I don’t want to hear any excuses as to why you can’t. Just keep getting back up. Also, make sure you make those friends in the medical profession. They can provide useful medications when the getting up is hard.

There you go! I hope this helps. I invite other writers to add to this list, in case I have missed something.