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Thursday, January 11, 2007


I have several points I have to follow up on today. Five, to be precise.

1. Okay. I admitted my shame in front of everyone. I admitted I wanted a stun gun—a weapon seriously frowned upon by Amnesty International—because I saw it on the one and only episode of CSI I have ever watched, and because it reminded me of a toy I got at the circus when I was four. I said this was a bad, low, evil thing to want.

And then what do they do? THE VERY NEXT DAY? They make a pink one.

Color me appalled. Who is this for, if not me? And I don’t want it. I shun it.

(Also, I asked Daphne again if I could have one and she said, “No, no, no, no. Not ever. No.”)

2. I’ll tell you what I did buy, though. I bought a super-cool microphone. And why should you care? I’ll tell you why. Because starting in the next few weeks, I will start recording the MJ PODCAST. Also, I will probably do at least one “audio book guide” to 13 Little Blue Envelopes—which will be me rambling about 13 Little Blue Envelopes for about a half an hour.

As for the podcasts, I’m hoping to do excellent interviews as well as the general rambling you’ve probably come to expect from me, if you expect anything at all.

Is there something (or someone) you feel I must include? A topic you would like covered? By all means, e-mail me. The less actual thinking I have to do, the better!

3. The very first official blurb for GIRL AT SEA has come in. It’s from none other than Jodi Anderson, author of Peaches! She says:

Maureen Johnson's clean, clever writing bestills my heart. If this blue-skied, starry-nighted sea voyage doesn't enchant you, you must be sleeping with the fishes!

Now, that’s some kinda spicy quote! It also brings me to . . .

4. So many Dancing Pirates out there! I am collecting up your addresses. Soon, I will send out the first SECRET MESSAGE to my Pirate Dance Campers out there. When I made my announcement, I really wasn’t expecting to get such good applications. Here are just a few highlights:

- When I was little I wore a sticky tan eyepatch and went to ballet
class every day. Now that I am grown up-ish, I have a pink eyepatch
and dance jigs in the living room with my dog, who would make an
excellent sidekick if you allow canine members into the Pirate Dance
Camp Society.

- you said members recieve 'strange, memers-only emails' well,I am as good as any a person to send these too. I get a lot of strange and random emails from people. People who knows me see a strange or random thing and 99% of the time I pop into their mind. And two minutes later it shows up in my inbox (this includes,but is not limited to: pictures of Lizzie Borden bobble heads, a picture of plans to build a RAILING-FREE staircase on a traffic island in New York City, and an add for earrings that are replicas of the ones Kirsten Dunst wore in Marie Antoinette).

- I would be a good member of this elite society because I have a variety of talents like the ability to touch my nose with my tounge. I can also bake delicious snicker bar cookies that would be excellent refreshments for any Pirate Dance Camp Society gatherings.

- My friend just had a birthday yesterday. I got her a pirate balloon. No, it wasn't a birthday balloon, but it was cool. My friend and I named the pirate Fred. Fred was put in the doorway. If you wanted to go through the doorway, Fred had to be pushed out of the way. This meant saying "Excuse me, Fred." as you passed because not doing so would be impolite.

- My high school is performing the musical How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying this year, and I am the resident student choreographer. In less than 48 hours, I will have to teach our cast the Pirate Dance (no lie, there is a pirate dance in this show) that I have not even attempted to choreograph anything for yet.

And that is really just a small, small sampling of what I got. I am overwhelmed.

5. A correction from Oscar. I said the other day that he compared the sound of a Vespa to a blender.

“That’s not what I said,” he informed me, in his crisp English accent. “I said it sounded like a hair dryer.”

I don’t care. I still want one. I am trying very hard not to imagine how great it would be to have BOTH a pink stun gun and a pink Vespa. I could do so much good!


Anonymous Liz said...

Won't they ever learn to put dangerous, oddly chic-looking, pink things in cardboard boxes so that people amused by shiny things (namely, me) won't further injure themselves?!
And, in all honesty, WHO CARES, or even notices, what a Vespa sounds like--as long as it stays cute, it is good.

8:02 AM  
Anonymous Migraine Boy said...

You should have asked me--I totally would have gotten you the stun gun. If you'd zapped me with it, it might have made this @#$^% headache go away. But listen, I have this problem with squirrels. They're infesting my house. What hardware would you suggest? I've killed them with rat poison, left bins of rainwater for them to drown in, run them over with a car, frozen them solid inside traps, and once even smacked one on the head with a shovel. But they keep coming back. Help!

8:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it too late to be a Dancing Pirate? I only just found out about it, and I love the idea. (And I'm qualified! I went to the last Colorado Renassiance Faire as a pirate, and one of my favorite TV shows is about ballerinas. No lie.)

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