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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Death and The Author: a play in three acts

ACT I

MJ is sitting at the table, typing away on her little Apple PowerBook. There are notes and papers all over the table. She constantly runs her hands through her hair in despair.

MJ: This can’t be due in a few days. It can’t be.

There is a knock at the door.

MJ: The food! Finally!

DEATH shows up at door, poorly disguised as delivery guy from local British Thai take out place, “It’s a Thai!”


MJ: Great. I’m starving. How much do I owe you?

Death: YOU OWE THAT WHICH IS MOST PRECIOUS TO YOU.

(MJ shakes head, thinking that this is some British way of talking. Holds up ten pound note.)

MJ: Is this enough?

Death: MONEY HAS NO MEANING TO ME.

MJ: You want a credit card? Oh. Follow me, then.

(MJ takes the food and brings it into the apartment. Death follows silently.)

MJ: Is this soup vegetarian? I hate to be one of those annoying people who asks about the broth, but if it’s chicken . . .

Death: THAT DOES NOT MATTER.

MJ: Sorry. It really does. If it’s chicken, I can’t eat it.

Death: YOU WILL NOT BE EATING IT.

(Death takes off It’s a Thai! cap and shakes scythe.)

Death: I AM DEATH.

MJ: Really?

Death: YES. REALLY.

MJ: Where did you get this food from?

Death: FROM A RESTAURANT.

MJ: Why?

Death: IT WAS PART OF THE DISGUISE.

MJ: Can I still eat it?

Death: NO. WE MUST GO NOW. I HAVE COME FOR YOU.

MJ: Sorry. No can do.

Death: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOUR TIME HAS COME.

MJ: Look, I’d like to help you out, but I can’t. I have a book to finish.

Death: THAT DOES NOT MATTER.

MJ: Ho ho! That’s where you’re wrong. See, if I don’t get this in, my editor is going to kill me.

Death: NO. I HAVE COME TO KILL YOU.

MJ: My editor sent you?

Death: NO ONE SENDS ME. I COME WHEN I MUST.

MJ: Seriously. I just need a few more hours to finish off this chapter.

Death: BUT . . .

(MJ guides Death over to the living room of the London Office, where there are piles of video games.)

MJ: Look. Just a few hours. You can play these. Come on. Just give me a little more time.

(Death pokes a bony finger at the Xbox 360.)

Death: YOU HAVE A LOT OF GAMES HERE.

MJ: I know. And, you’ll notice, seven different game systems. The people who own this place like video games.

Death: DO YOU HAVE A GAME IN WHICH MANY PEOPLE DIE?

MJ: Probably. (MJ paws through the games.) What do you want? Shooting? Driving? Axe-wielding? I don’t really like these violent games.

Death: IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE VIOLENT. DEATH IS OFTEN SILENT.

MJ: How about Katamari Damacy?

Death: WHAT IS THAT?

MJ: You roll things up into a ball. You collect things. It’s fun.

Death: I COLLECT SOULS.

MJ: Exactly. It’s perfect for you.

(Death sits down on the sofa uneasily.)


Death: I WILL GIVE IT A TRY. BUT THEN WE MUST GO.


ACT II

Four hours later, DEATH is still playing the video game. MJ is slumped over her computer, her head banging against the keys. She gets up and goes over to DEATH.

MJ: Okay. Come on.

(Death is too consumed by the game to answer.)

MJ: Seriously. Get up. I’m doomed. Let’s go. You win. Time to go.

Death: NO. NOT YET. I HAVE NEVER PLAYED THESE VIDEO GAMES BEFORE. THEY ARE VERY SATISIFYING.

MJ: That’s nice. But don’t you have some reaping to do?

Death: AND THEY IMPROVE YOUR HAND-EYE COORDINATION.

MJ: What is wrong with you? You don't even have eyes.

Death: I HAVE FOUND A CHANNEL TO RELEASE FRUSTRATIONS I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD.

MJ: You’re Death. You kill people every day for real.

Death: I DON’T GET POINTS FOR IT. IT IS VERY UNREWARDING. AND THERE IS NO MUSIC. I WISH I HAD MUSIC.

MJ: Look, you have to kill me now, okay? Because I am never going to be finished this book on time. And it’s your job. Why don’t you do your job?

Death: WHY DON’T YOU DO YOURS?

MJ: Oh, no you didn’t.

Death: GO AWAY.

MJ: No. No, I’m not going to go away. I’m going to hit myself over the head with this game controller until I die.

(Wields Playstation controller in a threatening manner and stands in front of the TV.)

Death: I DON’T CARE. SMACK YOURSELF ON THE HEAD ALL YOU WANT. YOU WON’T DIE UNLESS I SAY SO. NOW MOVE. YOU ARE BLOCKING THE TV.

MJ: What kind of Death are you?

Death: THE KIND WHO WANTS A BONUS ROUND. WHICH IS WHAT I’M GIVING YOU. GO FINISH YOUR BOOK.

MJ: Fine! You want to play like that? I challenge you to a game! If I win, you have to kill me.

(Death considers this.)

Death: YOU’RE ON.

ACT III

There is a montage scene of MJ and Death battling it out over a video game. For some reason, they have been joined on the sofa by some guy named Mookie, who keeps yelling the phrase “Over and out!” whenever something exciting happens.

Death wins the game and throws the controller down in triumph.


Mookie: Over and out!

Death: VICTORY IS MINE.

MJ: Fine. So what now? I lost.

Mookie: Over. And. Out.

MJ: And where did you come from?

Mookie: Where’s there’s a montage, there’s a Mookie. Over and out!

Death: YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT VIDEO GAMES.

Mookie: Mookie is the master! The master blaster! Over and out!

Death: I SEE.

(Death looks at Mookie curiously.)

Death: YOU INTEREST ME, MOOKIE.

MJ: Don’t you dare! This is my death! If you don’t kill me, I have no excuse!

(Death steps closer to Mookie.)

Mookie: Over and out?

MJ: Get away from Mookie! Run, Mookie! Run!

(Mookie tries to run, but Death grabs him by the collar.)

Death: HE IS COMING WITH ME. HE HAS INFORMATION I NEED. NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

(Death and Mookie vanish into a puff of smoke.)

MJ: No! Nooooooo!

Curtain.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

amazing truly amazing

10:08 AM  
Blogger Jennifer Lynn Barnes said...

I should be writing. I know I should be writing, but reading your blogs about procrastinating about writing is just so much more entertaining. Poor Mookie. Rest in Peace.

12:02 AM  
Anonymous Joa said...

My God, that was hilarious. My giggles were silent but hysterical. I'm going to show this to everyone I know. I'm HORRIBLE with deadlines.

1:45 AM  
Anonymous Suvi said...

This is the best thing I've ever read! :D Seriously. I smiled all the time.

6:02 PM  
Anonymous Chelsea said...

Hahahahahaha, oh man. That was great.

7:16 AM  
Blogger Haley_is_British said...

*snaps*

1:50 AM  

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