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Saturday, June 10, 2006

The return of mj; a new feature

As promised! It is Thursday, and I am back. Spaz and Deadline are still here, though they are considerably less amused than they were just a few hours ago. I’ve turned in a draft, which means that I can get down to other things, like catching up with my e-mail, which has been piling up. And I’ve noticed something. My mj books account gets spammed like crazy. Dozens of notes every day.

It has made me wonder: is there anyone out there actually buying things they are spammed about? Is there really a sentient human being who reads spam and thinks, “Hmm. I don’t get this part about the moss-inwoven pride-sick thought transference
brass-hilted Non-Arabic wood cleaner, but I really would like a 3.4% interest rate. I’ll give these people a try.”

Someone out there is spending a lot of time writing this crap that just goes out into the void, never to be replied to.

So, there’s going to be a NEW FEATURE on mjbooks! I have decided that I am going to answer some of my spam. I’ll print my replies here, and we’ll see what happens.

(In all cases, I will delete the web address included with the spam and replace it with one I think is better, so the links are safe to click.)


Hi !

I'm a very young and energetic lady! I have very positive attitude to life and people. I do enjoy new experience life can offer me: to see new interesting places, to meet new people.
I do try to enjoy every moment of life and accept everything the way it comes without complaining.
Though my life seems to be quite enjoyable there's one important thing missing. It's LOVE!
Without my beloved one, my soul mate, my King my life is not completed.
I wish i coud find him very soon so that we could share together every momement of the life-time romance!
What about you? Could you be my King? If answer is "yes" - you can find more about me

Galusya B.

Dear Galusya,

I’m sorry to report that your effort here is wasted. I am not your King. I am a female author from New York City, and believe me, my lineage is anything but regal.

For years, my father has regaled me with tales of the many relatives I will never be permitted to meet, largely because they are in jail. While other people talk about figures in their genealogy that were honest workmen, lawyers, bakers, and doctors—I can point to several people in my recent DNA stream who were “second story men” and cheap hoodlums. “Not killers,” my dad told me. “More like guys who’ll beat people up for a hundred bucks.”

In our house, we didn’t put a return address on the Christmas cards, and we spent many a nervous holiday with the blinds drawn, just in case some of our family had made bail and tracked down the cousins out in the suburbs.

On my mother’s side, the family is lovely. Or they were. Sadly, many of my wonderful relatives have passed on. The ones who remain are really cranky. Really cranky, Galusya. I have an uncle who used to make fun of people when they caught cancer. He and his wife drove past our house when we were caught in a flood and slowed down just to laugh and point. That’s pretty mean. They’re famously mean, as a matter of fact. Everyone in our entire town knows they’re mean. They’re like Scrooge, and we’re the friendly, festive nephew Fred.

What was the question again, Galusya? Oh right. You are looking for love.

Well, Galusya, it seems that otherwise you have your head on straight. You’re a happy person. You can’t spell, but that’s okay. And they way you stress not complaining is really admirable. I live to complain, another reason we’re not a good match. I could complain for the U.S. official team. I’m really very skilled.

While I like that you’re putting yourself out there to me like this, I feel like maybe you aren’t giving yourself full credit. Do you really need a King to make you complete? Gloria Steinem says that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Words to think about, Galusya.

And there are a lot of very scary people out there, Galusya. The internet is riddled with creeps and freaks of every stripe. It worries me to think that you might send this note to someone else, someone not as upstanding as myself. Like one of my relatives, presuming they can get e-mail in jail, and presuming that they can read. You got lucky this time.

Why not try match.com, or join a local club?

Still, I’m flattered. Maybe in another place, at another time, it could have been different for us.

Yours truly,

Next time: more spam answers, and part two of How Not to Get Published.


Blogger Chelsea said...

My goodness, I wish you would do more of these. I laughed so hard.

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